Accepting of others but not you?

[Samantha Scott]

Hi all.

I was out shopping today and saw an ex (but did not talk with her) and it got me thinking, how many people have had a partner accept others doing something but not their own partners?

This ex was not accepting of my dressing at all and I could only really do it when she was away, however shortly after we split she mentioned that she had been at a work mates party and part of the way through the night he went and changed into a dress, wig, heels and full makeup and walked out to announce that he was a CD. She mentioned that she thought it was great and was very accepting which did upset me so I just walked away.

This makes me think that she was obviously worried that I might embaress her or ruin her reputation while we were together.

Has this happened to others?

Love
Samantha xx

[VanessaVW]

Yeah, that certainly seems like a double standard, doesn't it?

[Ami]

Definitely a double standard. My ex is very open minded and accepting of others, however, when we got together as lovers, she didn't even want me wearing earrings, much less anything else. However, she says I look so sexy in tights.

[Karren H]

My wife loves Prince Poppycock and would freak out if she saw my pink eye lashes... She also accepts our gay child but not e crossdressing husband... Sigh....

[Nicole Erin]

That's how women are, they are OK with TG'ism as long as it is not her own husband doing it. Well that also depends on if they are going thru an "Accepting" time or not. You know what I mean by that.

[Joanne f]

It is quite normal for this to happen as there is no emotional attachment with other people doing things , you see it from quite a different perspective than if it is one of your own doing it and you only have a passing glimpse of what it is like to be around someone else doing it which is quite different when it is your husband/SO doing it as you then have to worry about all the things that you think could happen, these things are not your problem when it is someone else.
With that level of detachment i am not sure that you would even all it acceptance .

[Samantha Scott]

Yes, deffinatly double standards ladies. But thats ok because I am much happier now and have a wonderful SO who loves me for who I am.....I sort of do feel sorry for my ex though.

[Starla]

This ex was not accepting of my dressing at all and I could only really do it when she was away, however shortly after we split she mentioned that she had been at a work mates party and part of the way through the night he went and changed into a dress, wig, heels and full makeup and walked out to announce that he was a CD. She mentioned that she thought it was great and was very accepting which did upset me so I just walked away.

Was this person actually "coming out" to his friends and co-workers, or just doing it as a joke? I've found that many women are accepting of CDing when done in a lighthearted spirit of joking or entertainment, even to the extent of enjoying DQ performances (which they view as a form of "performance art"), but find the notion of a garden-variety male doing it with any degree of serious self-identification as female (in spirit, whole or part) to be offputting, especially in a partner.

Case in point -- I was married for a few years back in the day. Though I was in denial and not actively CDing at the time, my wife knew that I had struggled with it, and while she didn't condemn me for my feelings, she would have been horrified if I had started to CD again. Yet, this is the same woman who found the movie "Tootsie" hilarious, entertaining and delightful. It was fine for Dustin Hoffman to doll up in the name of entertainment, and even understandable to her in the character's context (an actor doing it for the work), yet for me to do it would have freaked her out no end.

[Samantha Scott]

Was this person actually "coming out" to his friends and co-workers, or just doing it as a joke?

It seems that yes she was coming out and thought this was the perfect time to do so because a few weeks later she started dressing at work with the full understanding of her wife.

[Angie G]

Glad you now have someone who lets Samantha in. My wife let Angie in from the time I told her.:hugs:
Angie

[jamey]

OMG yes, I've been through the exact same thing...with TWO exes. The more recent one used to stand right beside me at the drag shows we went to...bought herself a RHPS hoodie....and then got completely grossed out if she found any trace of the girl version of me.

[Pythos]

Not quite an SO, except in the family sense.

My mother is very much double standard land. She is very accepting of a mutual friend of ours that went through GRS, as well as has many gay friends.

But her son wear the stuff he likes and he is imedeatly a "gay ballet dancer" or "fairy" or "faggot" (she has not used that last one in a long while).

It really really sucks when people are like that. My GG freind considers my mom sexist due to her wearing jeans or pants all the times she has seen her.

[linda allen]

I think a wife or girlfriend may think she's less of a woman if her husband or boyfriend is a crossdresser. Or she may think others would think that of her.

I think the public perception of a crossdresser is someone who's not quite a full man.

[eluuzion]

Another option might be that she is your ex, and knows how to push your "hot" button...and maybe she got a little pleasure out of pushing your button, and watching you walk away upset.

Nah, ex's don't do that mean stuff, do they...nevermind...

:love:

[Rachel Morley]

This ex was not accepting of my dressing at all and I could only really do it when she was away, however shortly after we split she mentioned that she had been at a work mates party and part of the way through the night he went and changed into a dress, wig, heels and full makeup and walked out to announce that he was a CD. She mentioned that she thought it was great and was very accepting which did upset me so I just walked away.
Ooooh .... that hurts! :sad: That sucks really bad. I can imagine how I would feel in a situation like that, and it's not good! I guess this was a situation of "not in my backyard" when she was in the relationship with you. To me this means she is not really accepting of it ... not truly. Then again, you might have introduced her to CDing and she has had time to come to terms with it and even think it's fun or cool .... but in the meantime you two have broken up. :2c:

[Marissa]

I think it goes in line with Joanne's of "no emotional ties" with a touch of Rachel's "not in my backyard". Especially when together, she may not want or be able to see you in this manner, but once a relationship is over and ties are severed then maybe they can share that side of you. That was the case with my last ex. No way, no how while married..but once divorced "yes, I would go shopping with you even when your dressed". Yes, normally most would jump for joy, but I could not since my emotions had not been let go. Still she would not have wanted me sexually if dressed even after the divorce.

But she had a lesbian experience (even a gf) years ago and talked about a gay friend who was a drag queen, so I didn't think it would be a turn off for her, but I was mistaken.

And yes, many SO's and family/friends are okay if it is someone who does not impact their life so closely..that is their defense shield.

Hope everyone can be happy (as some are now) to have an understanding and supportive SO and family in their lives...

[Annie D]

My wife is the same way; it's okay to cause ripples in the pool next door but don't cause any in our own pool!

Karren, you are not "blood" and your son is; people are totally different when talking about a blood relative and someone who is related by marriage!

[Tasha McIntyre]

Accepting of others but not you?
Has this happened to others?

Yes Samantha, it's called the NIMBY effect (Not In My Back Yard)

I few years ago I saw first hand how my wife actively stood up and defended a male co-worker of hers (who came out of the closet as gay) to a group of other co-workers and his parents. I remember very clearly such phrases as "we all must accept him for who he is....he is still the same person to us.... he has the right to live his life.... and good on him". Her strength and character were outstanding that night, and was the main reason I knew I could safely come out to my wife, which of course I did.


That's how women are, they are OK with TG'ism as long as it is not her own husband doing it.

Classic NIMBY......Unfortunately, that is my reality now. She's very unhappy and disgusted by the whole thing and wishes it would all just go away and has even "offered" to burn my clothes for me. There is absolutely no discussion on the matter. I'm still glad I told her though.

Not all partners are unaccepting though. Just reading here, esp the loved ones section shows many of us have beautiful accepting SO's.

[Alice Torn]

I know my dad still pushes my buttons all the time, and, I can never do enoughto please him for long. There is double standard against me, too. He can hardly handle, that i have my own life, brain, opinions. Of course, if i disagree with him, I am really a losy son.

[ChristiesGurl]

Not quite an SO, except in the family sense.

My mother is very much double standard land. She is very accepting of a mutual friend of ours that went through GRS, as well as has many gay friends.

But her son wear the stuff he likes and he is imedeatly a "gay ballet dancer" or "fairy" or "faggot" (she has not used that last one in a long while).

Grrrrr. I'm wearing a men's bathrobe right now... it's warm and is miles too big and it's comfy. Does that make me a lesbian? Certainly not... Sorry, Pythos... seems your mom is fine with gender bending as long as it's not in *her* family. :-(

I'm going to go further and say, for myself... if you love somebody, you love them. ALL of them. And if CD'ing makes them happy, what is the harm in that? I want my SO to be happy...

I feel, in a lot of ways, so naive. I just don't understand SO's that freak out over this. I admit that I wondered if my attraction meant I was a lesbian, but I wasn't running around freaking out about it. I thought about it rationally and came to the conclusion that I wasn't, and decided that I didn't need to analyze why I feel that way I do any further. I just do. It's like having a favorite color.. no one bothers to worry why they like purple or how it came to be that purple was attractive to them, they just have and buy purple things... I want a man in pretty things... so what? It makes ME happy. :-)

[AKAMichelle]

This is rather common. They can accept others dressing because they don't have to deal with the other issues. Once their BF is a cd'er then they have to worry about a whole bunch new issues

[Sophie86]

Don't we all have things that we will tolerate in our friends that we wouldn't want in a spouse? It's a double standard, I suppose, but doesn't it make sense to have a different standard for our friends than we have for spouses?