Do we have choices

[pernille d]

I have been wondering if I am alone with this or others have it like me.*

I have been here on the forum for a while now and since joining I have learnt a lot and i have changed a lot. I have realized I am not alone and that I have been silly in hiding my true self away far to long. *That's the good bit . (as a clever person once said there is always an opposite side.) So the bad is I have spent *many years getting where I am with family, job home etc,now that becomes the problem as admitting one thing puts the other at risk .

*Now I realize I can't hide the true me the other side of my life and from what I can see here my journey down the road is never finished. So I know pernille will be a bigger part of my life . Therefore I just**think it's unfair that I spend almost 30 years coming to terms with who and what I am , which is a relief . Only to find that the one problem leads to another just as big problem.

Is it not unfair that all the choices Are made for us *as in the long run we know we can't give up being who we are . We can quit being a cd but it will come back . But if you loose your family/ home that never comes back !!!

[Joanne f]

It is annoying and frustrating to be in that situation , do you take that risk or not , the ones that have done it and got away with it will say "yes "go ahead and tell for that will lighten your burden considerably , but (always that but) on the other hand there are the one`s that told and ended up losing a lot , so in the end you have to weigh up your own situation on how you would think it will go .
I think it all has to do with how much and how far your expectations are of how far you go with CDing , a small amount should be OK to come out with 24/7 is going to be a lot harder to get accepted, i will always say that it is the right thing to do and share with your wife/SO but doing right doe`s not always get you what you want .

[eluuzion]

Hey, the Beatles made us believe that "all we need is love"...and look where that got us...:brolleyes:

You can still be anybody you want be and do anything you want to do, without facing any consequences!

you just have to do it on the internet...:heehee:

hey, keep your chin up...Walmart will think of something...:D

:love:

[Gerrijerry]

Life is not fair. There is always an effect to ourselves and others when you change how others see you. For some that effect is mild for others all hell breaks out. It depends on who you are and the amount of change, how other's accept that change. Where you live also plays into it. Truth be told you are correct we have no choice and that does effect everything around us.
Is it worth it? Depends on what the value of being who you really are is worth to you. Then again not everyone can handle that kind of change in there lives and its effect on others. Either way can destroy yourself ,put you into total emotional stress. So what you need to do is talk to someone who can help you deside what is correct for you. That would be in private with a counselor. He or she can help you to determine what is correct for you. No general group or club or website can help you sort that out. AND THAT IS MY 2 CENTS.

[Michelle 51]

I know what your talking about .We always need to go a little farther but there's always a risk.Its nice to see those who risked it all,made it to the finish line and can now say.Hey it was worth it all and I'm happy and the real me at last.We don't see all those who never make it.The suicide rate is extremely high for our community.After years of blaming myself I'm starting to realize this is not my fault.This is the way I am.I had no choice in it.I have choices on how I deal with it And those will vary for each of us.The big thing for me is try to find happiness each day where I am and not chase after it because you may never catch it.

[Kate Simmons]

Coming to terms with it and sorting it out are two different things. Only you can determine what is more important in your life.:)

[pernille d]

Coming to terms with it and sorting it out are two different things. Only you can determine what is more important in your life.:)

True!! but I have come to terms with it and it's easy to determine what is more important . Family first right ! But what happens when you lock part of you away that you know will be back. That is what i think is unfair even though you can choose , you can't really as we are who we are and that you can't run from.

[SuzanneBender]

Pernille I do think we have a choice in all of this. We don't have a choice concerning who we are. Numerous things and events beyond our control determine that, but we do have a choice concerning if we acknowledge who we are. I, like you, spent the bulk of my life doing everything I could to deny all of this and then a wonderful thing happened. I realized that this is me and its time to be proud of who I am.

There are costs to being honest and intimate about who you are, but that is true even if you were not transgendered. When you share the true you you run the risk of being rejected. Many people will live their whole lives hiding from who they really are because of the fear of that possible rejection.

I love my life as it stands. I have some very special people in it that I dearly love that are the source of all of my strength and being. Coming out meant the possibility of loosing all of that. Losing those I love would have been difficult to bear, but for me it was not as difficult as lying to them everyday of the rest of my life about who I really am.

[PortiaHoney]

Life is full of choices and consequences. There are no blueprints or easy answers. We each make decisions and sometimes there is just no going back.

So - where to for you? You won't know until you take the first step. But, you don't have to take any steps at all. That is your choice. Until you make that decision you won't know what the outcome will be.

You can stop going around in circles and make a decison either way. At least then you will be getting somewhere. It may not be where you want to go and you may not get what you want - but you will break the pattern and the circle. You may even discover what is REALLY important to you. Getting the fantasy out of the head is a great way to discover what you really need.

If you are lucky, all will go well. But, the only person who can make that decision for you - is you. The only way to find out what will happen is to make something happen.

Good luck.

And besides - who ever said life was fair? Is being fair just you getting your own way? Is it fair on your partner and family? Someone will not be getting what they want. Your choice is to work out who. I think you already know where you are heading - it's the consequenses that are holding you back. Get some counselling. They will help you find what is important for you, but they won't tell you what to do either.

[Kate Simmons]

True!! but I have come to terms with it and it's easy to determine what is more important . Family first right ! But what happens when you lock part of you away that you know will be back. That is what i think is unfair even though you can choose , you can't really as we are who we are and that you can't run from.I know Hon but the real talent is taking the "bad" with the "good", turning it around and making it work for us.:)

[kimdl93]

Its pretty much all been said, but I'll throw in my 2 cents worth. I don't know anyone who has no regrets. There may be such an individual out there, but it seems to me that life requires us to make choices, sometimes well-reasoned and jusftified, and at other times impulsive and ill-considered. But either way, our choices have consequences, also good and bad.

[Starla]

You have choices, but they are not absolute, nor do they exist in a vacuum. Any choice you make about one aspect of your life will also affect others; some for better, some worse. Life is a balancing act, and you have to focus on what's most important to you.

There's an old saying that is a favorite quote of mine: "You can have anything you want, but you can't have everything you want." Sounds tautological at first blush, but the contrast is there: anything vs. everything.

I've known TG girls who under different circumstances would have increased both the frequency and intensity of their dressing; some may have even transitioned if their lives had taken a different course. But they were hopelessly devoted to their families, and/or passionate about their careers, and didn't want to screw either one up. For them, CDing was important, but not nearly as important as other things in their lives, and they were reconciled to expressing that part of themselves on a much more limited basis than they would have considered ideal.

Your priorities and needs are uniquely yours, and you just have to strive to find the proper balance. Is it easy? No. Can it be painful or frustrating? Yes. But it's all part of being human.

[Vicky_Scot]

An alchoholic can stop drinking but will always be a alchoholic.

A crossdressers can stop dressing but will always be a crossdresser.

[Karren H]

As a good friend likes to remind me all the time...

"Like sucks.... Then you die"

[Starla]

As a good friend likes to remind me all the time...

"Like sucks.... Then you die"

Or, as I like to put it: "Life is a 100% fatal sexually-transmitted disease." :(

[herwannabe]

An alchoholic can stop drinking but will always be a alchoholic.

A crossdressers can stop dressing but will always be a crossdresser.


Vickie is the most correct here (My Opinion) you may stop dressing but you will always be a crossdresser
I don't know how we acquire it, if its genes, or something that happens to us when young or just what, but I know that you can not take a pill or get a shot or talk to a shrink to get rid of it, it is yours for life.
As for myself I don't want to get rid of it anyhow my only regret is that I am not woman looking enough to go out, I would never pass. But I will never stop, in my mirror in the confides of my home I am gorgeous.

All replies here 100% correct in their own way, we do not know if the choices we make in life are right till they are made whether they be good or bad we just have to live with them, I am living with mine. Life is a B%$CH I'll get over it.

[paulaluvssz8]

I'd say that yes in life we a given the choice for whatever it is that we face.....

[sissystephanie]

Suzanne gave you some very good advice. Choices are not made for us, we make our own choices! If you think your family is more important than crossdressing, and they are, than totally quit crossdressing!!! You alone are the one who is crossdressing, no one is forcing you to! At least I don't think anyone is! So if you really want to stop you can!!

That is why I tell every CD that I can to tell your wife about your CD'ing ASAP! I told my late wife when I proposed and we had almost 50 years together. She fully suported my CD activities because she knew that I was always her man, no matter what I was wearing. I would suggest to you that you and your wife either have a talk together, or go to a Gender Therapist so she can get some answers. Right now you are living a life that is built on a big lie, and that is not a happy way to live.

[Lorileah]

Do you know what I just heard? Anyone who likes chocolate is a loser. Yes a loser and the dregs of society. Do you buy that?

No huh?

Well it is also proven that people who wear the color red will always get whatever they want in life. Not that on either huh? However if tomorrow you wear red and win the lotto, you will believe it was your color choice.

It is all perception. If I say "Terrorist" what image popped into your mind? Yeah life is unfair in many ways. We should never be hungry, we should never feel pain, we should always be happy. Life sucks but it beats the alternative. We have all been victims of perception. Especially when young. We are sure that if we tell our future spouse about our crossdressing they will run screaming for the hills. Probably many do because when they hear the word(s) crossdresser, they see a comic or a pervert or a psycho killer. Maybe even you had one or more of those images when you first thought about donning a skirt. I know I did and I didn't understand why I could feel so "normal" and want to do something that obviously was against everything in nature. I know better now and so do most the people here, but the perception of the majority is still strong that we are one of the above. You know you are a good spouse, parent, citizen. What you wear does not change any of that.

So what to do to get life to be more fair? Quit eating chocolate? You could but the desire will be there still. Wear red? So far I haven't hit the big one but the guy I saw on TV who did was wearing a red sweater...so maybe??? No none of those. You do what you can right now, small steps. Some of us here were lucky enough to be able to tell when we started a relationship but to be honest, I have family I cannot tell still. Not fair. How do we make it fair? First convince ourselves we are "normal" that we aren't sick or strange. You start with you, wear red and know that you are a winner. I hope to convince some people on this site of that, but I know I won't change everyone's mind. Then you can work on those around you. Everything they know was "told" to them in this case. It isn't true but they were told chocolate was bad for you and they believed it. So let them taste some, see that is isn't a gateway to the dregs of society. No it isn't fair, we all know that but it can be more fair with a little education. You know those kids you have? You don't have to "come out" to them but you can teach them that the world has many facets, that there are many flavors and none are "better" than another. They will grow and question "rules" and maybe change those "rules" when they show how unfair they are. I would like to say you can do this with your spouse, but adults are harder to get to see injustices. Many can though with time and patience.

[Prissy Linda]

Lorileah, I like the way you think, I just could never explain it like you did.

Linda

[pernille d]

Wow what some responses
I know and understand where everyone is comming from. But what I surpose I mean is . "ok I quit dressing as family first . But I know sooner or later the dressing will be back ,it's just to much of a powerful thing to keep away. So yes I make the choice but in the end I don't as the choice is made for me as I can not hide from who I am."

Or maybe to take it to another level, is it' just a failure in making the right choices earlier on on life As those choices reflect or influence the choices we. Have further on in life .

[Lorileah]

not so much "right" choices but choices that in hind sight would have made things different now. It wasn't wrong to be happy and to want a family and all the things that everyone wants. It wasn't wrong to do things for them. If you had been up front in the beginning, you may have all you have now, maybe more maybe less. But as time has gone on you see that keeping this a secret had as big a toll as it would have had telling. Not right or wrong, just different

[Gaby2]

"ok I quit dressing as family first . But I know sooner or later the dressing will be back ,it's just to much of a powerful thing to keep away. So yes I make the choice but in the end I don't as the choice is made for me as I can not hide from who I am."
I wish you wouldn't feel so guilty, Pernille. There are probably many answers to your dilemma - try to believe you will find right ones.
You sound like you're struggling with some sort of self-perceived negative destiny - I've been learning that it's a priveledge to be a crossdresser. It is problematic though and more than anything else, I hope that your family-life will remain intact and even benefit from your crossdressing in the long run.


Or maybe to take it to another level, is it' just a failure in making the right choices earlier on on life As those choices reflect or influence the choices we. Have further on in life .
Life starts right now. Fondly yours, Gaby

[audreyinalbany]

Choices are hard because we never have to choose between something we want and something we don't want. We have to choose between something we want and something we want more.

[sherri]

It might have been different if this self-discovery had come when I was young, but I arrived at this place after I'd built a "straight" life, so for me the choice to honor, protect and preserve that life, especially when it comes to loved ones and career, is a given. I believe that the sacrifices we make for family and responsibility are vastly more important than some sort of self-realization that can be, in the society we live in, at odds with a constructive life.

But there's something else to think about: supposing you did throw caution to the wind, and risk relationships, job, etc., so you can be "you". Eventually you wind up right back where you started, seeking love, career, financial stability and meaning for your life (except now the odds are really against you). In other words, wearing a dress in and of itself is not enough. You can express gender preference all you want, but if you're doing it in alienation and isolation, you have lost, perhaps irrevocably, and you have mandated that others suffer loss as well.

It is better, I think, to seek some sort of balance wherein you can protect that which you've already put into play and still seek opportunities to explore and express who you are, how you are -- and in the process try to make little personal inroads against social prejudice that makes all this such a dilemma.

Another thing to keep in perspective is that resources like this forum can be wonderful sources of comfort and encouragement and learning, but at the same time, they can be a big ol' fog machine, depending on how you use them.

Oh, by the way, in this imperfect life, fair has nothing to do with it. It is what it is, and it's how you cope with life's trials that matters.

Caveat: It is important to acknowledge that for a small percentage of us, the ones who were truly and profoundly "born in the wrong body", correcting gender identity is not so much a matter of preference as it is self-preservation, and hopefully, as our society slowly comes to terms with that fact, they will be able to assume true identity at a young age, before they have made other commitments. For the rest of us, however, it is a matter of preference, not survival, but too many of us start rationalizing that we have no choice in order to justify self-centeredness.

[suchacutie]

The only constant in the Universe is: change.

I know that your transgenderism is your focus at the moment, but I'm sure your life is as complicated as everyone else's, and that means that you have many issues that affect you every day. The fact that you have an idea what the issues are put you in the advantage over most people (in my opinion). Sit back for a moment, take a broader view, gain some perspective, smile a little as you understand just how gifted you are, and then be alert for the ability to let your world evolve, for it surely will.

tina

[Gaby2]

It might have been different if this self-discovery had come when I was young, but I arrived at this place after I'd built a "straight" life, so for me the choice to honor, protect and preserve that life, especially when it comes to loved ones and career, is a given. I believe that the sacrifices we make for family and responsibility are vastly more important than some sort of self-realization that can be, in the society we live in, at odds with a constructive life...
That's all very well if things are going well, Sherri, and the "straight" life continues to grow and develope positively. But what if the opposite is the case? What choices are you left with then?
One can certainly feel imprisoned - and that's an interesting parallel to being a closet-dresser.


...For the rest of us, however, it (i.e. correcting gender identity) is a matter of preference, not survival, but too many of us start rationalizing that we have no choice in order to justify self-centeredness.
That sounds a little too judgemental to my ear. Don't we have a basic right to choose? Shouldn't we be allowed to do what we think is right even if our actions seem selfish?
Gaby

[sherri]

That's all very well if things are going well, Sherri, and the "straight" life continues to grow and develope positively. But what if the opposite is the case? What choices are you left with then?
One can certainly feel imprisoned - and that's an interesting parallel to being a closet-dresser.Well, that's an entirely different scenario than the one described by the OP, right? If you're saying you have nothing to lose by being totally out, then that's different. But is that really your situation? The truth is that the odds are very, very high that even if you've already suffered loss in your life, there can still be serious repercussions to your choices.


That sounds a little too judgemental to my ear. Don't we have a basic right to choose? Shouldn't we be allowed to do what we think is right even if our actions seem selfish?
GabyThe difference between you and I is that you think in terms of what "should" be, and I think in terms of how things are. Yes, all of us who are serious about our gender expression, even if it's just part-time, should look for opportunities to influence the status quo, and if you're in a position to damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead in a big way, then by all means go for it. Where I draw the line is in expecting innocent bystanders to pay the cost, too. You see, in my book selfishness is a dirty word; another way of putting it is that I don't believe we can be selfish and right at the same time. I believe that it is the sacrifices and efforts that we make out of compassion and love and duty that truly define us and make us better people, and that shirking those commitments and responsibilities makes us smaller people. So, yeah, I'll stand by my original statement.

[Salina]

Wow, what a great and thought provoking discussion. Having just come off a 3+ year break from crossdressing (I viewed myself as a non practicing crossdresser during that time) I am wanting to take my dressing to levels never experienced before. Part of that is thinking seriously about coming out to some select people, something I never had considered before. My wife has known since we were dating and an ex fiance cited my dressing as a big part of the reason she broke up with me. Coming out to my family, at work, fellow church members is not an option right now because of the life I have built and wish to protect. Part of my hesitation in sharing with these select people is wondering will they keep it confidential. I view my crossdressing as a part of the whole that makes me up, not the most important part. Choices can be tough as you all have mentioned, but if and when I choose to share, I must be willing to accept any and all consequences that come along with it. Many years back I was a practicing alcoholic and cocaine addict and hurt many people while addicted. My family all stood by me when I gave them every reason to shut me out, many friends stood by me, and I lost some friends, jobs, relationships as well. I get going on the life isn't fair thing when I think about how a harmless thing like crossdressing could ostracize me from family and friends yet they stuck with me through the wreckage i caused while practicing my addictions. I gotta live life on life's terms. Thanks all for your comments on this.

[Jamiegirl1]

I feel like you,it is very frustrating to accept that we are CDers and be comfortable with it,but that we have to hide it from everyone around us that we care about.I do not want to lose my family and friends,I wish there was an easy solution,like you said,the CDing seems to get stronger the older we get,and yet we must keep it a secret.makes me soooo frustrated when I am having a great time dressed and have to go back in the closet....... we must be thankful for this forum,so we can talk with others,just like ourselves and see that we are not alone.

[sherri]

Many years back I was a practicing alcoholic and cocaine addict and hurt many people while addicted. My family all stood by me when I gave them every reason to shut me out, many friends stood by me, and I lost some friends, jobs, relationships as well. I get going on the life isn't fair thing when I think about how a harmless thing like crossdressing could ostracize me from family and friends yet they stuck with me through the wreckage i caused while practicing my addictions. I gotta live life on life's terms. Thanks all for your comments on this.That's a really interesting observation, I hadn't thought about that. It just goes to show, I think, how strongly our society misunderstands and condemns gender variance. And as someone with an addictive personality, I'm sure you can understand how addictive CDing -- or just about anything, really -- can be. But it sounds like you now have a handle on things, and how things are. Good for you.

[NathalieX66]

As a good friend likes to remind me all the time...

"Like sucks.... Then you die"

I know that song.

Song notwithstanding, I'm happy to be me.....finally.
Maybe I'm weird for saying so, but being a cd'er and/or TG keeps me together. I'm happy to play guy or girl anyday, anytime.

[Cheyenne Skye]

Or as Geddy Lee once said:
"You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice.
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill;
I will choose a path that's clear
I will choose freewill."

[GingerLeigh]

Since joining this site, like you I've come to grips with the reality that I am who I am and there isn't anything wrong with that. There are so many out there that are in the same situation as me. However with that said, there are many people out there that don't share the same sentiment about crossdressing and will never understand us. My wife may be like that.

So it is an enormous risk to tell my wife. I have an excellent life and it was a significant life struggle to get to this point. I have wonderful young children and a loving wife. Telling not only risks my gains in life, but my family will be victimized as our lives falls apart. Oh, sure divorce is common nowadays and we'll survive, but they will be forever scarred and it will be all my fault.

We all make sacrifices for the better good. I would die for my family if need be. Living a lie as I have for so long may not be the ideal way to live but I've sadly gotten damn good at it. Exposing my true self is too dangerous to others so very dear to me. What do I gain? Oh sure I get to go to bed alone dressed as I wish, emphasize alone. I can buy girly stuff freely and have a wardrobe that even RuPaul would envy, yay. I can strut around the house dressed like lady GaGa and meet others like myself whenever I wish. So what? What good is it if I'm all alone, destitute, all the while knowing my wife and children are suffering for my misdeeds.

This is me, I'm a man with an odd hobby and desires. Not everyone feels the same way. Some may be intensely driven by the "pink fog" and are compelled to tell. Some are wishing to live full time as a woman. That's fine but that's not me. Is it you?

Ginger

[GaleWarning]

Its pretty much all been said, but I'll throw in my 2 cents worth. I don't know anyone who has no regrets. There may be such an individual out there, but it seems to me that life requires us to make choices, sometimes well-reasoned and jusftified, and at other times impulsive and ill-considered. But either way, our choices have consequences, also good and bad.

Looking back over my life, there have been a number of key moments where I made choices which have radically changed the course of my life. Too often, perhaps, I made poor choices. With the benefit of hindsight, I can reflect and say, "I ought to have done that, rather than this."


But then I stop and think ... and I realise that I have no idea how my life might have turned out, had I made a different choice at some stage ... only this is certain ... I would not be the same person, living in the same place or in the same circumstances.

And I realise that I am content, so what is there to regret?

I have been blessed with a rich and varied life, full of blissful joy, and only a little pain.