..........depressed..........

[katrinakat]

I've been depressed, mostly because of my jealously.

All I want to do is be a girl!. Which could never happen! But constantly all day i see women prancing around in the cutest outfits and shoes, and I die inside!!!!! God I wish I could be a GIRL. This PINK CLOUD has become unbearable!!!!! What to do now?

I just want to feel like myself, but no matter what I never feel like me!

WHo am I really? I wish I would have known and embraced myself earlier;
as opposed to running away.

Looking for kind words. Sorry just a blue day! :(

[Loni]

sounds like a lot of us here.
but take hart it is worse on the other side of the fence...believe me i know.
just one example, you get Friday night off work Saturday off work so you can go party friday night and ring in the new year dressed as you like.
i have to work and will be stuck in a motel not knowing anybody in the area. and must sleep so i can get back into the truck and get home sat am. with luck i can be off work by noon on sat. and back to work very early am on sunday. sat is a day off for me but the company rigged it so i do not get it off. i work 6 days a week and on the "only" day left i must wait for a phone call for work the next day. the call used to be before noon, now it can be anywhere from 10:am till 3:pm.

.

[Debglam]

Hi Kat,

I wish I had some magic words to say to make you feel better but. . . I think we all have our issues that we are struggling with and take some comfort that you are not alone on this forum. You will figure things out in due time.

Debby

[AliciaCheerCd]

The pressure is for us to try to "find ourselves" within the "girl" group or within the "guy" group. Society is slowly beginning to accept the "other" category which has many subsets. Don't focus on what you can't be, focus on what you are! You are an awesome beautiful person with an amazing talent to draw on feelings and desires from both a fem and masc perspective. You are special, and you are unique. I'm sorry that you feel depressed. I hope that you feel better. Remember that the universe made you the way you are. We can tweek and prod, but fundamentally we are who we are. Try to stay focused on the things that make you an awesome individual. :-)

[Christy_M]

Well I can certainly relate to your post. I know that I am always conflicted about who I am and what/where I want to be. What keeps getting me through is a certainty that life will always get better. having been doing this to some degree or another for 40 of my 45 years I have spent plenty of time running and now I am certain it is too late to go as far as I really wanted to 20 years ago. Knowing there are plenty of people here who are in the same boat really makes me feel a little less alone. I am sure there are plenty here who are willing to step in with words of encouragement and support.

I found a therapist who has experience in TG issues and she has really helped me talk through these feelings. It has been 4 months of regular discussions and we are really getting into some meaty topics. If that is available to you, I would recommend someone with similar experience.

[Barbara Dugan]

I have to admit that I have days that feel the same way you do Kat...It is hard to get out of those thoughts. I am starting to accept that it wont be much different my life being a man or a woman, I will be essentially deep inside the same person and my purpose will get the most of life on either mode...just hang in there you are not alone:hugs:

[Joanne f]

KatrinaKat,
we are almost are own enemy as it is all to easy to look at and dwell on the things we cannot do or at least do the same as a real GG , yet i am sure that there are many GGs who can feel just the same if they let it get at them , it is very easy to see a pretty dress and think ,holy cow i would love to put that on and just go out and enjoy myself ,and i would have loved to have grown up as a girl , so the trick is to look at what you do have , you are attractive have a nice body and can wear what you like at some given point , so move forward with that in mined and try to stay away from the areas that are depressing you at that moment ( i just bypass those pretty little dress`s now ) OK i still look sometimes and dream.

[Avana]

i know exactly how you feel girl... keep listening to that inner voice!! :) it will take you anywhere you will it. you are beautiful.

[thechic]

Yep thats something that hit me so often i just could not bear it any longer, so i started seeing a TG therapist.and did that help
I started coming out to everybody,that had some ups and downs,started living as woman 20/7.and boy do i feel better,Its great when you dont have to hide.I still get the odd bad day but not so often.

[Rogina B]

Many of us feel this same way and somedays it is worse than others..I know that I would like all the good parts of life as an attractive woman.BUT,I want to skip the bad parts..Pretty much what many women have to say about life as a man! lol

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Kat,

I'm going to start with a question: Why could it never happen for you to be a girl (or at least a woman)?

I lied to myself for nearly 5 decades that I could never live as the woman I know I am - guess what? It wasn't true!

I think the crux of your post is where you say that you never feel like yourself. Others have suggested consulting a therapist with experience helping TGs, can you do that?


This PINK CLOUD has become unbearable!!!!!
...
Sorry just a blue day! :(

Put the two together and you get a really cute shade of lilac, maybe that's your way forward :heehee:


Who am I really?

Now that one is fairly easy: You are a valued and valuable member of our community. Someone who is loved and cared about by all of us here.

[GirlyBits]

Kat I am 100% with you. I know exactly what your feeling! >.<

[Jill Devine]

Kat, never use the word never (except when telling someone never to say never. LOL). All things really are possible and any circumstance can be changed. You really do have the power to change your life. Others have done it and so can you if you wish to.

I agree 100% with the advice to start seeing a specialist. It *might* be that you will fit the profile of being transgendered and could start steps toward SRS. Fact is that being different makes us strong and it's that life learnt strength that will be a foundation to face anything your therapist suggests.

It's a cliche, but Rome wasnt built in a day. Take baby steps each day, turn your dreams into goals, and before long you wil be on course to where you want to be and not where life takes you. Above all else, be patient with yourself.

[Karren H]

That sucks.... Being depressed sucks... I verey rarely go there... I never wanted to be a woman.. Ok maybe a few times... But I have an unapproving wife... Enough to make anyone depressed.. But I refuse to let it or anything else get me down.... You have to deal with the cards that are dealt you and move on.. Else you wll spirial out of control. Don't like something... Then change it.....

[Debutante]

I think we all feel that way. I do today, too.
We are longing to be "the girl within". we need to express her and tend to ourselves.
Give yourself a little kindness, and do a girl thing... it's what women do when they are blue...

[katrinakat]

wow, Alicia from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the kind words. I'm crying a little, but in a good way. Peace and Love
The pressure is for us to try to "find ourselves" within the "girl" group or within the "guy" group. Society is slowly beginning to accept the "other" category which has many subsets. Don't focus on what you can't be, focus on what you are! You are an awesome beautiful person with an amazing talent to draw on feelings and desires from both a fem and masc perspective. You are special, and you are unique. I'm sorry that you feel depressed. I hope that you feel better. Remember that the universe made you the way you are. We can tweek and prod, but fundamentally we are who we are. Try to stay focused on the things that make you an awesome individual. :-)

[katrinakat]

THANK YOU TO U ALL!
Your words give me strength. I'm so happy that I found this website!! I know
I'm not alone and it's so nice to express myself and receive honest, insightful, and kind responses.

xo KatT

[Holly]

Kat, in life pain is not optional... but suffering is. You can do this.

[JamieTG]

I also look at cute girls with jealousy and envy wishing I could be like them. Its not so much the cute outfits that make me ache but their curvy bodies. Just to have a more feminine shaped body is what I dream about. I feel that I'm a TS that would never go as far as SRS. I've thought many times that hormones would help me be more comfortable with my body but I'm terrified of the side effects. Kat I hope you find your way.
Jamie

[Alice Torn]

Kat, The envy of gg's and their mannerisms, gorgeious clothes and shoes, and faces, has bugged me many times. Attractive gg's are in demand by everyone, while us blokes are left toourselves mostly, notin demand. But, my waqnting to actually be one of them, has waned a lot. There are things about being a rugged male, that are assets, especially, as times grow worse, and more frightful. I have slowly learned to value both my guy, and cdlady opposites sides. This takes time, and boy, doI get depressed about it at times. Girls just wanna have fun! And usually can, easier than guys. But, our guy sides are good for a lot of things, too, maybe not quite as fun, but important. I don't think i could handle being beautiful, and having guys hitting on my constantly!

[*Andrea*]

KatrinaKat,
we are almost are own enemy as it is all to easy to look at and dwell on the things we cannot do or at least do the same as a real GG , yet i am sure that there are many GGs who can feel just the same if they let it get at them , it is very easy to see a pretty dress and think ,holy cow i would love to put that on and just go out and enjoy myself ,and i would have loved to have grown up as a girl , so the trick is to look at what you do have , you are attractive have a nice body and can wear what you like at some given point , so move forward with that in mined and try to stay away from the areas that are depressing you at that moment ( i just bypass those pretty little dress`s now ) OK i still look sometimes and dream.

totally agree with you!

[LitaKelley]

I know exactly how you feel, and I understand this pain and depression all too well, and I too think I can never "become" a woman because the costs of doing so are so far beyond my financial capabilities :( The only comfort I have is dressing, wearing a wig and makeup and creating this outward expression of who I am inside

[ReineD]

Looking for kind words. Sorry just a blue day! :(

I can't begin to understand how devastating it must be to not have your physical gender match your insides, since I am a GG who identifies female. But I do see the pain in your words and I am all too familiar with having to come to terms with extremely painful circumstances that I cannot change and that are beyond my control.

The trick for me was to realize what I could change and what I couldn't, and to do my best to accept my losses, appreciate the good things in my life, and move on. You might want to be proactive and see a gender therapist, and begin thinking seriously about taking steps to transition, even if it does take awhile.

And if it means anything, I also look at young, beautiful, happy women sometimes who seem to have it all put together in terms of looks, personality, career, finances, and having custody of their children, and a part of me envies the care-free and happy ways they seem to go about their lives. But, to focus on what they have and what I don't have is entirely counter-productive since it prevents me from enjoying and appreciating what I do have. It's also good to remember that you may not wish to trade lives with that woman who wears all the cute clothes. You don't know what losses or crosses she has to bear, or what's in store for her in her future, that you might find unbearable if you had to live with it too.

[Angiemead12]

hope you pull through, i have times that i do feel like that as well,and then i am reminded of how difficult it is to become a woman full time which make me appreciate being a man again.

[eluuzion]

Hiya Katrinakat,

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm...

Many negative feelings have more to do with how you perceive events rather than the actual content of the events.

When you can't figure out "what you want", one option is to let go of that strategy, and start listing "what you don't want". This is usually an easy mental task that produces a detailed list quickly. Then you review each issue on the list, focusing on the opposites of each issue.

Sometimes it reveals some productive solutions. At a minimum, the process makes you feel like you are being productive and "doing something about it" rather than feeling like you are stuck in a hopeless rut, just spinning your wheels.

It can turn depression into anger which can motivate action.

Just a thought...

Not everything requires a solution by tomorrow...

Good Luck

:love: