Out with Spouse, awkward?

[abigailf]

Do you go out often with your spouse?
If so, what is the experience like?

I have not been out often with my wife, but it does happen. It also feels a bit awkward.

She has known for about a year and a half now that I dress. Actually, we both have. Even though I have been dressing since my teens, it always seemed more fetish like. Only in the last couple years have I understood it to be more. When I had that clarity, I told her about it.

She did not take it too well but she is trying and I am grateful for that. I know I had 30 plus years to come to my understanding, she only had the 18 months. But that may explain why she is awkward around me dressed, but why am I awkward around her?

I can probably count on one hand the amount of times she has been out with me and mostly only to go shopping. This week, we had dinner out and a movie. While we were out together, I felt constrained (if that makes sense). Like I was making an effort not to display my girly side even though I was dressed. When I am relaxed and comfortable, I can be quite girly. However not this night.

Maybe at some level, I am trying to be gentle. However, when we are home and I am not dressed, I tend to be more girly than when I was out with her. It was a strange feeling.

Has this happened to anyone else?

[Rhonda Jean]

Yes! I know exactly what you're talking about! I may have posted about this previously, but I'm not sure.

My ex wouldn't go out with me, so for over 30 years I'd been doing this solo. By myself I'm almost never even the least bit nervous. The first time my gf and I went out together I became hyper aware of everything. The way I walked, the way I stood, the way I spoke, the way I looked in general. It hit me especially hard when we first parked the car at the mall and were getting ready to get out. I was wearing a dress, and I saw my bare legs, the strappy heels, the polished toes, my polished fingernails. My breast forms felt odd to me, I could feel my bra straps across my shoulders, my purse felt cumbersome and out of place. I was stiff in my walk and mannerisms. My voice seemed... well, as if it was not my male voice, but not my fem voice either. You get the drift. Was I a boyfriend? A girlfriend? It was just wierd. It was hours before I began to relax, and I'm not sure even then that I was the same as I would have been had I been alone.

It's usually, but not always, better now when we go out. There's still a little bit of "what the hell am I doing" going through my head. I'm on edge, to one extent or another. It's not a pleasant feeling. I LOVE going out with her, but it's quite a different experience than going out alone.

[Cheryl T]

My spouse and I go out ALL the time together. In fact, that was one of the guidelines we established at the outset. As she put it, "I want to be there, even if it's only to call 9-1-1 for you if something happens (read non-accepting, ignorant, violent person) to you".
Unfortunately, she doesn't have a cell phone and as I pointed out...it would be difficult to call if she has to dig through my purse to get the phone while I'm being attacked...LOL.....
But her heart is in the right place.

[Jonelle]

While we were out together, I felt constrained (if that makes sense). Like I was making an effort not to display my girly side even though I was dressed. When I am relaxed and comfortable, I can be quite girly. However not this night.

I can completely understand this feeling. and if you break it down deeper I think at least in my experience, even though i can comfortably dress around my wife acting girly almost feels like a sham because it is not what we built the relationship on. Does this match your feelings at all??

[2B Natasha]

I have been out several tiimes with my GF. I don't feel awkward so much as I dno ot want her to feel embarressed by me. Embaressed in the way I act or interact with people. I am not a social leper but there are those out there that are not as understanding as others. As to my awkward feeelings I guess I really don't feel any. Mostly I think because I am not trying to put on an act or change my mannerism's. I am who I am so to say. I sit with my legs crossed at the knee and my foot draped down to my ankle in either mode. I eat with a fork and knife in either mode. I sit listed to one side in either mode. I will sit with one legged tucked up under me in either mode. Plus I never try and change my voice. I talk softer but no change in tone. So no. I don't feel any awkwardness when out. When I feel a bit of that is when we are getting ready to GO out. since makeup and hair are not something I am really good at yet and she is so dang beautiful with or without makeup I do feel like a toad next to her when I look in the mirror.

[juno]

I would love to go out with my wife, but she doesn't want to be outed as a spouse, being seen by someone she knows.

But, here are my thoughts based on interactions at home. My wife does not like to be affectionate when I am dressed, which is reasonable for a straight female. Out in public, it is normal to show affection toward your spouse, but it would not mesh with being en femme. So, being your fully-female self results in being a bit distant toward your wife, so you try to balance these two conflicting desires. I think there would be no problem if your spouse was comfortable presenting as lesbian.

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife I was a CD when I proposed to her in 1954. We married in 1955 and had almost 50 wonderful years together. And boy did we go out together, as husband and wife and as two girls having fun together. I am pretty sure she loved Stephanie as much as she loved the male me! But why not? I am only one person! The clothes I put on do not change me in any way, except for the way I look. And she knew that! And she did not ever present herself as a lesbian, just as a female with a very good female friend, who happened to be a man!!

[Rachel Morley]

It sounds to me like your awkwardness stems from you knowing that your wife is not as comfortable with your crossdressing as you yourself are.

You say you are even more girly but more comfortable when you are at home not dressed, yet I'm thinking that when in public, fully dressed where (to help your passibility) you are going to go the whole 9 yards with not only dressing en femme but also you perhaps alter the way you speak and act, mannerisms etc, this just tips the balance and you know that you are doing something that your wife had not seen "her husband" like this before .... and it is this thought that make you feel awkward. In other words, it's you not wanting your wife to think anything fundamentally different about you and your marriage that is making you feel uncomfortable. This is just a guess on my part :2c:

[Sophie86]

We've been out to a few parties, and to one masquerade ball that was in a public place. It wasn't awkward at all. Except there was that one time she had too much wine, and kept calling me Sophie. :heehee:

[t-girlxsophie]

I can honestly say the times I have been out with my wife have been the best times,having her by my side gives me extra confidence when Im out.Im proud to step out with her

:hugs:Sophie

[*Andrea*]

I have been out with my wife once early this year, but I was with other CD girls and wives, and the CD girls were talking on one side and the wives in the other. I felt totally confortable and acted feminine. However, apart from that one time, I only dress at home, and always feel ackward with my wife. I want to try my female voice but I can't, I try to move feminine and I can´t!
1. I think that I cant forget that I am her partner, protector, listener, etc... and cannot disconnect from the role of being her husband. (vrs a girlfriend)
2. Also I think that we may have some fear on what their thoughts are, and that they may doubt of our sexuality?
3. acting feminine in front of them could be like enbodying someone else. Although we dress in women's clothes, we are still the same person and female manerisms and voice would be like acting.

[PretzelGirl]

I have been out with my wife shopping, going to movies, dinner, and Tri-Ess meetings. My wife is one of the most non-judgemental people I know (which sure helps the acceptance). I don't believe I act any different going out than I do at home dressed. My "girl" isn't that extreme, so there isn't a lot to hold back on if I was to try to do it.

[Michelle James]

My wife and I go out together all the time with me dressed. The last several weeks that is the only way we are out. She seems the same to me either way. It feels like we are connecting on a whole different level. We have been married for 35 years and she has known since the beginning. For some odd reason lately if I am being lazy (rarely any more) and am in drab she will say something like "aren't you going to get dressed?".

[linda allen]

I would love to go out with my wife, but she doesn't want to be outed as a spouse, being seen by someone she knows.

There's a pretty simple solution to that - go to another town where nobody will know either of you. :)

[suchacutie]

I think the focus here is the topic of "...displaying my girly side". I think for all of us there is some point that we have to get over, even if we think we totally accept our feminine selves there can be some deeply held, surprising issues that hold us back. My wife and I discovered Tina together. My wife has made it clear that she enjoys Tina, and is fascinated by this side of me. We do anything together and there's never been an issue for me....until

I had done a lot of work on Tina's voice, and she was ready to unveil her new fem voice to my wife. She couldn't do it. She suddenly got shy, for the first time ever, and just couldn't do it in front of my wife. Is that weird? It took a number of months to get over this shyness. Was it the last piece of masculinity? Tina just felt silly, for the first time ever!

Your situation sounds so very similar to this, although it is complicated with the acceptance issue of your spouse. For me it was putting everything together in my mind, and then just forgetting that Tina hadn't always spoken like this.

My experience was that doing it was the only "cure"!

tina

[sherri]

I think the SO's attitude would make a world of difference to me. Just dressing in front of a disapproving or ambivalent mate would be very awkward for me, let alone going out. I would be too conscious of her critical eye.

[Laura Evans]

My gf and I go out together often, she is fully accepting. I don't feel awkward as much as I am aware of what I do or say so as not to embarrass her. Just two girls out together.

[Karen 812]

My SO and I go out together very often with me in femme. We go every where, to church, food shopping, to the malls,some dress stores reconize me both ways, because I try on cloths en femme often, even to the bank. Our only concern, also, is having a neanderthal attack me or both of us, being seen by friends has not crossed our minds. We will cross that bridge when or if it happens. Being made only seems to be done by Latinos or Hispanic or children, mostly women. We have fun watching the expressions on peoples faces trying to figure me out. So far, I have had no negative comments. I am waiting for the first time a child asks his/her mother in a voice loud enough to be heard in the next state,"MOMMY, THAT MAN IS WEARING A DRESS"

[Angelofsomekind]

I've never had any issues with going out with my wife. I love it! I wish we could go out more. I'd say it's more awkward getting all dressed up and just hanging out around the house.

[LisaM]

Abigail,
I totally understand how you feel. My spouse has been out with me a few times a number of years ago. At first she wanted me to relax and act feminine. But later she changed completely and criticized me for acting 'girly' and telling me that I would never be a woman. So we stopped going out together. I am not being critical of her - it was just too much for her to deal with and it made me uncomfortable as well.

[Tasha McIntyre]

No, my wife would never go out with me. If someone she knew saw us the embarrassment would be overwhelming to her, and her social standing would be wrecked (her words).

But ya know what - although envious of many here with accepting spouses, I'm actually quite happy with going out alone or accasionally meeting another CDer for a coffee, chin wag and wander around the shops. At least I get to go out and be myself guilt free as I don't keep any secrets from my wife :)

[abigailf]

Thanks for the responses, they are all very helpful.


... i can comfortably dress around my wife acting girly almost feels like a sham because it is not what we built the relationship on. Does this match your feelings at all??

Yes, this sounds a lot like my feelings and maybe it is more about how we were conditioned as a couple over the past 20 years.



1. I think that I cant forget that I am her partner, protector, listener, etc... and cannot disconnect from the role of being her husband. (vrs a girlfriend)


Similar to above. Maybe I am so used to being her husband, that I don't know how to be her girlfriend (and vice-versa).


I think the SO's attitude would make a world of difference to me. Just dressing in front of a disapproving or ambivalent mate would be very awkward for me, let alone going out. I would be too conscious of her critical eye.

Although I don't think of her as ambivalent, I definitely don't get a warm fuzzy feeling. Maybe our discomforts feed off of each other making it even more awkward.

[Sally1983]

I am still quite firmly in the closet, happy with dressing at home. My wife is very OK with it, and has suggested that we test the waters on an outting together beyond the front door. At this stage I am not ready for that...I would feel very awkward. One day maybe.

[linda allen]

I am still quite firmly in the closet, happy with dressing at home. My wife is very OK with it, and has suggested that we test the waters on an outting together beyond the front door. At this stage I am not ready for that...I would feel very awkward. One day maybe.
Like I posted above - go to a different town. Better yet, a large city or a crowded resort area.

[Aleca]

I personally would feel very awkward being out dressed with my wife, as I am used to being out with her male. I would probably do some role playing/ acting as a woman with knowledge of myself as a male who was dressing in female clothes after the fact. The realization hits later that is all I was doing - just pretending to be one. This helps to enhance my belief in myself as a cross dresser and not a transsexual though and that beats being torn between the two.

[Lena Teegal]

I know exactly what you mean, even when not out but at home when dressed I feel this way. For me I just started acting more natural little by little, and I grew more comfortable. She didn't have a problem with it.

[sarac]

My first time yes i felt so awkward. I felt i could not be as girly as i felt. She did try to tell me to relax. I think i was maybe more afraid to show it. On our third time out i feel i needed to try and feel as if we were just 2 girls out and was better.

[tamarav]

I told my wife well before we got really serious and later married. She has been going out with me for over 25 years and still has a lot of fun doing it. She has never been adverse to our going out, in fact, she gives me pointers on how to be more feminine. I have listened to her and she has been incredibly supportive.

[JohnH]

Tamara,

You do an incredible job of listening to your wife. You look more feminine than 90 percent of the GG's out there!

Johanna

[busker]

It is a bit like playacting --probably for most I'd guess. Just imagine how you feel if you dressed up as an astronaut and tried to convince a real astronaut that you were one of them. You might have some of the jargon down, but there is a whole lot more to being an astronaut than wearing a space suit.
Subconsciously, we KNOW we are not genetic females and looking at one--a wife, a gf, a passerby, and trying to "fool" them makes us nervous. Your SO's know that you are NOT female and trying to fool them is going to be--?????
How we feel to ourselves is a different matter, but few of us are going to superb actors to pull it off. SO's that are confortable with their CD spouses, and not looking to be convinced that you are indeed a female.
Just a thought. It might be less awkward if both just think it's holloween come early, and have a good time out.

[Mindymaycd]

I have been out with my wife one time; we went to the Adam Lambert concert. I had told her the only way she would get me to go to it would be with me in fem. She said O.K. so we did it. Having only been out a hand full of time and only to CD venues, it was very intimidating.
We had to walk about a block to the venue and I was so stiff, I know I was not even passing from behind. My big revelation was that no one gave a dam about me being in fem. They just enjoyed the show. I did not have a good time as I was so uptight and not willing to interact with anyone.
I left the venue about ten minutes before the end of the show as I did not want all the lights on and having to deal with the unknown.
The best part of the night was my walk back to the car. I was a bit frightened but it was such a rush walking in my heels and mini skirt. I took the long way to the car walking about four blocks. The only issue was when I walked to the rear of the venue the roadies were there pointing at me and making comments that I was not able to hear.
I would say the problem was me being to uptight about the whole thing. Had I just enjoyed being a girl and not about my inability to pass and how much I looked like a guy in a dress, I would have had a much better time.
The lesson, Just enjoy yourself.

[Missy Tanya]

I'm one of the lucky ones that have had my wife by my side for many a night out. She was there so many years ago for my first time out, Halloween, but we did win a prize. Then just two years ago when the desire kicked in big time. She was holding my hand as we walked into the TS Support Group Meeting for the first time I told anyone else that Tanya exist. Then two weeks later to my official coming out Party. Now two years later, she isn't always by my side, welcome anytime. But she says Tanya needs her time out enjoying herself too.

So last year, Tanya walked outside and enjoyed the world, 23 times. Want more each time..

Tanya

[Debutante]

I went to a Halloween party several years ago wih my wife. She helped with make-up and hair. we went to a TG group's party. It all went well.
But nothing since that time... I'd love to go out again, but i need practice and building of a new confidence based on new self-realization,
and self-aceptance.
My wife is very accepting... it's all up to me now...

[Tanya C]

I love going out dressed with my spouse. She doesn't inhibit me at all. To the contrary, she has been very encouraging and helpful with my female presentation.
Of course, I enjoy spending time with her in any mode. I just love being with her.

[mywifeswoman]

My wife loves doing it with me and wants to take me out for a day with her. Il have to tell ya about it when it happens!

[linda allen]

I went to a Halloween party several years ago wih my wife. She helped with make-up and hair. we went to a TG group's party. It all went well.

Well, I sort of did that many years ago but that was before I really "got into" crossdressing (but not before I had done it). There were several other guys dressing as women and nobody trying to "pass".

Looking back, I really missed an oportunity with that. My wife loaned me an outfit, bra, etc. but there was no wig, makeup, butt pads, etc. If I ever get the chance again, I'll demand more.

[cindym5_04]

My wife and I go out together randomly. It, to a point, doesn't seem any different than normal, aside from the fact that we're generally at a club and I'm in heels and makeup and wig.

[Marilyn Beck]

I went out dressed with my wife for the first time last week. It was awkward and not a lot of fun.

I have been dressing regularly at home for about two years and have been out in public (always alone) only a few times. My wife and I don't go out together in public in our home town because we are concerned that she will be recognized and I will be outed. But she agreed to go out with me during our vacation in New Orleans last week. Our plan was to walk a few blocks from our hotel to Harrah's and hang out in the casino for a while. Depending on how things went, we might venture elsewhere in the French Quarter.

We went to Harrah’s for about an hour, as planned, then returned to our hotel room for a bathroom break. We then walked several blocks to Café du Monde, a major tourist trap, for beignets (glorified donuts) and coffee. As usual, I was both nervous and excited about being dressed in public. But the presence of my wife was distracting and diluted my enjoyment of the en femme experience. Part of the problem was my wife’s attitude. I think she felt she was doing me a big favor by letting me go out dressed with her, and therefore she expected me to go along with her agenda. Before leaving the hotel, she was hungry and impatient, and she rushed me to get ready in a hurry. Although I wasn’t quite happy with my makeup and wasn’t psyched up to feel girly, she whisked me out the door, down the elevator and out to the busy sidewalk. My wife is fast walker, and it made me uncomfortable to weave through the crowds as I tried to keep pace with her. Usually, I try to maintain a low profile and not draw attention to myself. But following my wife often placed me in highly visible and awkward positions. I was especially nervous as my wife led me into the very crowded outdoor seating area at Café du Monde. She was annoyed by my trepidation, and complained that it was not much fun being out with me en femme.

On a positive note, we did not experience any negative reactions to my crossdressing. In fact, I did not perceive that anyone even read me (except a Harrah’s cocktail waitress, who smiled and called me “baby”). Frankly, I had the most fun while my wife and I split up and went our separate ways in the casino. I think my biggest problem with being dressed in public with my wife is loss of control. When I am alone, I am not subject to my wife’s unpredictable whims and can exercise more discretion over the situations I place myself in. I need to gain more experience and confidence dressing in public by myself before I consider going out with my wife again.

[kimdl93]

One of my long term goals is to be able to go out and travel with my wife - en femme. I live en femme nearly 24/7 (since I work from home), but so far, when we go out, I can wear some marginally feminine items, such as androgynous tops, heeled sandals, and a touch of make up. Still, when/if the time does come to go full en femme, I may be a little self conscious at first, just as I was the first time I wore heels in public.

[joank]

I have had this happen just once (so far). It was to look at the Christmas lights in the neighborhood with her doing the driving (see old post). I would like to go out again but she may be afraid of my being outed(?) or maybe her psych can't/won't process it. I hope this will change.

[Jenniferathome]

I am still quite firmly in the closet, happy with dressing at home. My wife is very OK with it, and has suggested that we test the waters on an outting together beyond the front door. At this stage I am not ready for that...I would feel very awkward. One day maybe.

Sally, you are missing out on the day of your life. I wish I had someone to share my days out. Go!