RachelDee
01-02-2011, 08:37 PM
Because I have never posted one before :) and I was replying to another thread and ended up writing out a brief overview of how I got to where I am today.
So. I thought I would post it in a seperate thread. Since it turned out so long, and maybe someone else might identify with some of the things I wrote (which may be of help to them).
--- 0 to 28 ---
I seemed to start crossdressing at a very early age (which is quite a common theme so I noticed). I have a only a few memories of it, but most of what I know is the embarassing stories from my childhood that my mother brought up every so often. I am not sure what items I wore, but the main memory I have is of my mothers pantyhose/tights.
It was all quite without shame then, and was open about it since I have memories of being sat in the living room, just watching TV while doing it for example. I assume my mother thought it was a phase? Or cute? Because she must have been alright with it (as she didnt stop me?).
As I got older it obviously stopped. While I do not know the exact reason (I was very young after all!) I would assume that it was because I realised/was told it was not acceptable for me to do so and/or felt embarassed/uneasy etc. I should really ask my mother about it but still feel sort of embarassed as to what she might tell me.
Late teens I relented on the desire to do this again. Just once. It was a moment of oppertunity (and a rushed one). It felt nice, however I automatically felt like I was doing something wrong... and I quickly reverted to ignoring the desire again. In my early 20's the desire must have been strong enough that I actually bought some items myself online.
I had the 'flood gates opened' experience this time. At first it seemed to be quite straight forward. I wanted to do this because I found womens clothes sexy/nice? But that quickly turned into confusion about myself as a lot of feelings started emerging. Many I did not really understand until I looked online to see if other people felt this too (and this is when I discovered Gender Dysphoria).
Unfortunatly I was accidentally 'outed' to my parents and had to explain -which caused more pressure on myself as well as guilt since it upset people. I did see a GP about it but never pushed it any furthur (for lots of different reasons).
This past year it all came out again. While I cannot say from an early age I knew I was a girl/female, I think I could explain that to some degree with general ignorance of gender until my teens. I was just me. I dressed how my mother told me too, and did what other people who were boys did (though not always) because thats what was expected. I did not feel like a girl, or a boy. I did not pay that much attention, I knew there was a difference but didnt really care? Though girls always made me feel uneasy, inexplicably I recall feeling quite angry/anxious when they talked to me? Like I was trying to seperate myself from them totally. I don't know. I just have a few more vivid memories and I remember being quite upset when a girl said she 'liked' me........ :idontknow:
Up into secondary (middle?) school I was quite the odd one out. Not because of how I dressed, but in everything else. Well actually.. every one else seemed obsessed with wearing 'brand named' clothes and such and I couldnt understand why. Clothes were clothes.... I just wore whatever. As I always have. Male clothes were not interesting, or anything I would think too much about. I bought what fit lol.
I was sensative, emotional, liked things that other 'boys' didnt seem too (like my teddy bear collection...). I quickly learned not to express certain 'views' and tried to fit in the best I could. I did not like football (or any sports), I was not agressive, I was not at all interested in anything most people seemed to be doing. I didnt drool around girls like a horney rabbit (though I liked girls of course) and that kinda made me feel uncomfortable.
Do not get me wrong though. I was not wanting to play with barbies or something either. I just felt like I had very little in common with any 'male' in my school on any level that mattered.
I do remember a few times of looking at girls, and feeling like they were much more like people I could relate to (emotionally and such). But they were also all focused on chasing boys and the like then... which didnt interest me at all lol. So I could not identify with that. I disliked boys in general XD and didnt really think of myself as one (or the other).
Puberty came quite late for me (14-16) and I tried to hide it! I did not like the body or facial hair. I liked how I was before. So I shaved it off, and plucked it a few times -hoping it wouldnt come back! It did though of course.
All other guys seemed to be 'waiting' for it though like it was some sort of good thing. So I felt quite confused about that. Seemed like I had the wrong idea of seeing this as a bad thing.
My school life was not so happy in general then, since I was 'out of place' and felt it, I was also a target for most embarssing or humiliating stuff that went on. Being very unagressive I was an easy choice. Meaning I hated going, and I know I ended up having a lot of 'sick days'.
When I left school, I was so happy to finally not to have to go to this place where I felt the 'odd one out' (and a victim). I went to college like everyone else was doing, but felt immense anxiety. I felt the whole 'out of place' thing again, and I couldnt cope with it.
I had an anxiety/panic attack on the way home on my 3rd day (which I had an EKG for, because my parents thought it might have been a heart attack and so did the GP). I ended up dropping out of college for the anxiety I felt.
I drifted around for a while doing various easy courses, and being quite reclusive really since I had left school with few to 0 friends that I kept in touch with. I ended up on an I.T course, and I decided what I needed to do to fix my 'out of place' feeling was to get some confidence! So what did I do? I tried to fit in. Which meant be the best 'male' I could be. I bought some new clothes (really the first time I actually picked something with the sole purpose of trying to be 'stylish') and started paying attention to my hair style (copying what seemed to be popular) & general appearance. I also started trying to 'bulk up' lol to get muscle (failed!).
It sort of worked for a short time, I felt a bit better and more confident -however it was an act. It felt like an act, even if I almost convinced myself I was finally like everyone else. I was still trying to be this other person that people (other guys) would accept and not just tolerate. It was tiring.
It was near the end of this course that I started to develop OCD symptoms, badly. There were periods in childhood where I did have little OCD like things, but nothing that caused any impact on life. This was a lot more intrusive and detrimental.
I just about made it to the end of the course, but had done little work. It felt like I had spent all my energy trying to work on fitting in and being someone other peopel would accept that I had none left to focus on the reason for being there. Plus the OCD symptoms made things even harder (not being able to touch a public keyboard for example and trying to make excuses to other people as to why...).
OCD then ruined the next 5 or so years of my life, and I let it make things easier for me by cutting myself off from people, and really myself too. It was so much easier to get through the day when I didnt have to think about myself, and/or fitting in with other people.
When I look back at my right life now, I feel like im doing a dot-to-dot. While I did not know *then* what my feelings were, I feel like I can join things together with the understanding I have now.
It does make me think sometimes though; Am I joining the dots together because I have a better understanding? OR am I joining the dots because I am looking for & so creating the meaning?
I have only seen my GP about my feelings thus far (and a very short talk with my OCD therapist before she discharged me at the end of my OCD therapy).
On my visit in November 2010 I practically broke down in tears before getting to the door. But then the feeling and emotions had come back so strongly it felt like a winding elastic band that had snapped. I couldnt shut it out and I was in a constant state of anxiety/panic. I managed to keep myself somewhat composed but had a very shaky voice and nearly started crying a few times while telling her and had to choke it back. :o
I did start to feel more at ease as I started explaining however. She told me she would have to apply for funding to get me to a GIC in Nottingham. Of which she informed me likley would not be a fast process, funding wise or GIC waiting wise.
I asked her if there was someone I could talk too before the GIC, but she didnt know of anyone (except the clinics themselves). She said I could ask my OCD therapist about it, and to come back in 2 weeks and she would put things in motion if thats what I wanted.
Which I did (had a small chat about things with my OCD therapist) but she phoned and asked someone about any gender therapists or support in the area, and there was seemingly no one that delt with it....
I ended up returning to my GP with the phone number and details for 'Transhealth' in London. Telling her that I really needed to see someone *now* because the anxiety I had been feeling was so bad I didnt feel I could cope waiting months and months just to talk about it. Even if it meant having to pay for it myself.
She said she would contact them to arrange it, and if I came back with a letter from them with a diagnosis she would contact the PCT and apply for funding to send me to an NHS clinic. She said it should help speed things up.
Transhealth contacted me before Christmas about my GPs referal, and I paid the deposit for the first appointment and arranged to go this month.
So on the 27th of January I will finally see someone officially about it. That's about it really. So far. :)
So. I thought I would post it in a seperate thread. Since it turned out so long, and maybe someone else might identify with some of the things I wrote (which may be of help to them).
--- 0 to 28 ---
I seemed to start crossdressing at a very early age (which is quite a common theme so I noticed). I have a only a few memories of it, but most of what I know is the embarassing stories from my childhood that my mother brought up every so often. I am not sure what items I wore, but the main memory I have is of my mothers pantyhose/tights.
It was all quite without shame then, and was open about it since I have memories of being sat in the living room, just watching TV while doing it for example. I assume my mother thought it was a phase? Or cute? Because she must have been alright with it (as she didnt stop me?).
As I got older it obviously stopped. While I do not know the exact reason (I was very young after all!) I would assume that it was because I realised/was told it was not acceptable for me to do so and/or felt embarassed/uneasy etc. I should really ask my mother about it but still feel sort of embarassed as to what she might tell me.
Late teens I relented on the desire to do this again. Just once. It was a moment of oppertunity (and a rushed one). It felt nice, however I automatically felt like I was doing something wrong... and I quickly reverted to ignoring the desire again. In my early 20's the desire must have been strong enough that I actually bought some items myself online.
I had the 'flood gates opened' experience this time. At first it seemed to be quite straight forward. I wanted to do this because I found womens clothes sexy/nice? But that quickly turned into confusion about myself as a lot of feelings started emerging. Many I did not really understand until I looked online to see if other people felt this too (and this is when I discovered Gender Dysphoria).
Unfortunatly I was accidentally 'outed' to my parents and had to explain -which caused more pressure on myself as well as guilt since it upset people. I did see a GP about it but never pushed it any furthur (for lots of different reasons).
This past year it all came out again. While I cannot say from an early age I knew I was a girl/female, I think I could explain that to some degree with general ignorance of gender until my teens. I was just me. I dressed how my mother told me too, and did what other people who were boys did (though not always) because thats what was expected. I did not feel like a girl, or a boy. I did not pay that much attention, I knew there was a difference but didnt really care? Though girls always made me feel uneasy, inexplicably I recall feeling quite angry/anxious when they talked to me? Like I was trying to seperate myself from them totally. I don't know. I just have a few more vivid memories and I remember being quite upset when a girl said she 'liked' me........ :idontknow:
Up into secondary (middle?) school I was quite the odd one out. Not because of how I dressed, but in everything else. Well actually.. every one else seemed obsessed with wearing 'brand named' clothes and such and I couldnt understand why. Clothes were clothes.... I just wore whatever. As I always have. Male clothes were not interesting, or anything I would think too much about. I bought what fit lol.
I was sensative, emotional, liked things that other 'boys' didnt seem too (like my teddy bear collection...). I quickly learned not to express certain 'views' and tried to fit in the best I could. I did not like football (or any sports), I was not agressive, I was not at all interested in anything most people seemed to be doing. I didnt drool around girls like a horney rabbit (though I liked girls of course) and that kinda made me feel uncomfortable.
Do not get me wrong though. I was not wanting to play with barbies or something either. I just felt like I had very little in common with any 'male' in my school on any level that mattered.
I do remember a few times of looking at girls, and feeling like they were much more like people I could relate to (emotionally and such). But they were also all focused on chasing boys and the like then... which didnt interest me at all lol. So I could not identify with that. I disliked boys in general XD and didnt really think of myself as one (or the other).
Puberty came quite late for me (14-16) and I tried to hide it! I did not like the body or facial hair. I liked how I was before. So I shaved it off, and plucked it a few times -hoping it wouldnt come back! It did though of course.
All other guys seemed to be 'waiting' for it though like it was some sort of good thing. So I felt quite confused about that. Seemed like I had the wrong idea of seeing this as a bad thing.
My school life was not so happy in general then, since I was 'out of place' and felt it, I was also a target for most embarssing or humiliating stuff that went on. Being very unagressive I was an easy choice. Meaning I hated going, and I know I ended up having a lot of 'sick days'.
When I left school, I was so happy to finally not to have to go to this place where I felt the 'odd one out' (and a victim). I went to college like everyone else was doing, but felt immense anxiety. I felt the whole 'out of place' thing again, and I couldnt cope with it.
I had an anxiety/panic attack on the way home on my 3rd day (which I had an EKG for, because my parents thought it might have been a heart attack and so did the GP). I ended up dropping out of college for the anxiety I felt.
I drifted around for a while doing various easy courses, and being quite reclusive really since I had left school with few to 0 friends that I kept in touch with. I ended up on an I.T course, and I decided what I needed to do to fix my 'out of place' feeling was to get some confidence! So what did I do? I tried to fit in. Which meant be the best 'male' I could be. I bought some new clothes (really the first time I actually picked something with the sole purpose of trying to be 'stylish') and started paying attention to my hair style (copying what seemed to be popular) & general appearance. I also started trying to 'bulk up' lol to get muscle (failed!).
It sort of worked for a short time, I felt a bit better and more confident -however it was an act. It felt like an act, even if I almost convinced myself I was finally like everyone else. I was still trying to be this other person that people (other guys) would accept and not just tolerate. It was tiring.
It was near the end of this course that I started to develop OCD symptoms, badly. There were periods in childhood where I did have little OCD like things, but nothing that caused any impact on life. This was a lot more intrusive and detrimental.
I just about made it to the end of the course, but had done little work. It felt like I had spent all my energy trying to work on fitting in and being someone other peopel would accept that I had none left to focus on the reason for being there. Plus the OCD symptoms made things even harder (not being able to touch a public keyboard for example and trying to make excuses to other people as to why...).
OCD then ruined the next 5 or so years of my life, and I let it make things easier for me by cutting myself off from people, and really myself too. It was so much easier to get through the day when I didnt have to think about myself, and/or fitting in with other people.
When I look back at my right life now, I feel like im doing a dot-to-dot. While I did not know *then* what my feelings were, I feel like I can join things together with the understanding I have now.
It does make me think sometimes though; Am I joining the dots together because I have a better understanding? OR am I joining the dots because I am looking for & so creating the meaning?
I have only seen my GP about my feelings thus far (and a very short talk with my OCD therapist before she discharged me at the end of my OCD therapy).
On my visit in November 2010 I practically broke down in tears before getting to the door. But then the feeling and emotions had come back so strongly it felt like a winding elastic band that had snapped. I couldnt shut it out and I was in a constant state of anxiety/panic. I managed to keep myself somewhat composed but had a very shaky voice and nearly started crying a few times while telling her and had to choke it back. :o
I did start to feel more at ease as I started explaining however. She told me she would have to apply for funding to get me to a GIC in Nottingham. Of which she informed me likley would not be a fast process, funding wise or GIC waiting wise.
I asked her if there was someone I could talk too before the GIC, but she didnt know of anyone (except the clinics themselves). She said I could ask my OCD therapist about it, and to come back in 2 weeks and she would put things in motion if thats what I wanted.
Which I did (had a small chat about things with my OCD therapist) but she phoned and asked someone about any gender therapists or support in the area, and there was seemingly no one that delt with it....
I ended up returning to my GP with the phone number and details for 'Transhealth' in London. Telling her that I really needed to see someone *now* because the anxiety I had been feeling was so bad I didnt feel I could cope waiting months and months just to talk about it. Even if it meant having to pay for it myself.
She said she would contact them to arrange it, and if I came back with a letter from them with a diagnosis she would contact the PCT and apply for funding to send me to an NHS clinic. She said it should help speed things up.
Transhealth contacted me before Christmas about my GPs referal, and I paid the deposit for the first appointment and arranged to go this month.
So on the 27th of January I will finally see someone officially about it. That's about it really. So far. :)