I lost my woman

[Nicki S]

I have been dating a woman for almost three years now. I found her after a long term (18 yrs) marriage. Her and I hit it off quite well right out of the gate. Soon after we started dating, I came out to her and she was very accepting and encouraging. I guess I could say that she pulled me out of the closet. And we all know what happens once your out.
So 2 days after Christmas her and I had an argument that ended us as a couple. I could feel it coming on for a little while, with a feeling that something wasn't right.
With my job, I am away from home for 21+days at a time, but also home for equal time. This alone can really play with the mind when it is time to return back.
So with this being said, I have had quite a bit of my emotions stacking up in the past few days.
I have been on estrogen since Sept and full HRT since mid Dec. and I think that this might be part of the cause for me to just want to sit in a corner and cry. Which was okay at home, but now I live at my manly job, I need to keep my emotions aside. It is amazing the attachment that we can create with a person in a 3 yr period. I feel a large void in my life.

[Melody Moore]

Nicki, I am sorry to hear that things haven't worked out for you & I know the emptiness you now feel. 3 years is more than long
enough to develop a strong emotional bond with. You can develop a very strong emotional bond in much shorter time believe me.

I don't know what he nature of the argument was to understand why you split up, but I can see it has had a profound effect
on you. I imagine your bond was extremely strong by how much she supported you. I hope that you have people to turn to,
friends, and your therapist can also really help you through these difficult times, but we are also here as well for you as always.

Now what I am going to say sounds easier said than done for a lot of people in your situation, but trust me, what I will tell you
does work really work, it just will take some time for you to heal & get over the pain of losing someone you really cared about.

The best way I have found to cope with relationship breakdowns is to embrace your new situation in a positive way rather than
in a negative way. I know you are feeling awkward & lost right now but you need to find a direction and start taking some baby
steps to find your way again. You obviously knew this was coming & something wasn't right, so it's better this happened now
rather than later, because the longer you were together the harder this would be. I don't know how tense the situation was
before you split up, but by clinging on to a failing relationship things go from bad to worse & become even more emotional. So
by bowing out of a relationship now graciously means that you can go your own ways with dignity. The best part is if you do it
right & stay cool with each other you can still remain the best of friends. I am still good friends with my ex-girlfriend & we went
out together last New Years Eve.

What my point is that there is always so much that can be salvaged from a relationship, including friendship. But most importantly
it is important to salvage yourself and don't let that other person tear you in two when they leave because they half of you with
them because you become so emotional dependant on that person. We are often vulnerable to this because of the type of bond
we form with our partners. So the key here is to be able to separate from each other in the calmest & coolest manner with the
least amount of pain as possible for both you and your partner.

Sometimes things can get a little heated when you are not getting along and especially when you're going your own ways
because often have this fear feeling lonely & maybe not finding someone else again. The truth is there are many more people
we might find peace, love & happiness in a good relationship with but before we can do that, we have to have peace, love &
happiness within ourselves. We also need to be free of any baggage before we are ready to move on.

So being single again is valuable time for you and you will really grow from it if you really know how to embrace it & garnish
every single thing that you can get from this period in your life. This will make you so much stronger, much more independent.
You will have time to give to yourself & replenish yourself. I don't know about you, but I have more money in my purse now
that I am single than I ever did when I was in a relationship. While that might sound greedy that I mention money like that,
but I don't think it is. Because at this point of my life, I need to focus on my transitioning and what spare money I do have
really needs to go on that.

I really don't know your social life if you have family & friends for support, so these things I am about to mention are merely
suggestions if you are on your own. If these suggestions don't benefit you, maybe they can be of a help to someone else.

I want to talk about friends for a minute, I don't know if you have many friends you can socialise with, but I find them extremely
valuable in my life. Often when we get into very emotional relationships we forget about our best friends and if we are not careful
we might not have any because we neglected them. So I think having friends is vitally important when you are in a relationship,
but more so when you are not with someone. If you don't have many friends, try getting involved in some type of group activity
doing something you enjoy. Ten-pin Bowling perhaps? Also maybe joining a local transgender support network & GLBTI groups
at some of the social events to attend. All these thing go a long way to help fill in some of that void in your life.

My belief is be confident & positive, be happy & always smile while staying focused on your goals & more doors will open for you.

Hugs Melody :hugs: Xx

[noeleena]

Hi Nicki .

Oh dear thats not very good at all , & yes some as youv found out the meds can & do change you not every one in the same way tho.
Dont blame your self or your s o just a pity it ended in a argument & after all this time, dont give up hope .

If your emotions are going over the top then see your endo & back off the meds a bit as that can help , & yes it takes a while for your body to ajust to them as they do or in your case , your rereacting to them .
& it will take a while to settle down .

all the best i do know what its like.

...noeleena...

[Gaby2]

Hi Nicki,
your honesty with yourself (and with us) is heart-warming. There are never any answers that help 100%, are there?
I feel for you and the turmoil caused by your breakup.

My present relationship is just six months old - and that after a similarly long and relatively happy marriage.
Two years then elapsed before I stumbled onto this forum (in high-heels) last Summer. The people here helped me to learn to speak openly (in private conversations) about my cding.

That then sort of "killed-off" other "interested" and "former" partners. That aspect still shocks me.
I haven't told any of my male-friends yet, by the way - at the moment I don't need them to know. I wonder if that will change at some stage.

My present SO was totally surprised and had never seriously thought that there were men like me out there. She has taken it in her stride though and is not only supportive but encourages me on my cd-journey.
This relationship is the first where my partner knows the full truth about me from the word go.

I want this relationship to last forever. That's no guarantee though so I try to appreciate every minute.

I hope you can take comfort from the good times you enjoyed with your (former) SO.
Keep going - it's always worth it!

You have a lovely smile.
Gaby2

[Nicki S]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes it is a difficult time for me now. As far as my group of friends, that has been reduced over the years also. 8 yrs ago I move away from my home state and now live 1200 miles from there. So that alone drastically reduced the number of real friends. My wife and I had restarted our lives with new friends after our relocation. She divorced me almost 4 yrs ago and I lost most of our new friends in the divorce also.
With my job, I am away from home for 1/2 of the year. So it is tough to start friendships, let alone a relationship with a woman.
I fully agree that I need to keep my chin up and look at the glass as half full.

As Melody said, I now should have more money in my purse. Sounds like more shopping now!

[sandra-leigh]

As far as my group of friends, that has been reduced over the years also. 8 yrs ago I move away from my home state and now live 1200 miles from there. So that alone drastically reduced the number of real friends.

Pretty similar situation for me. Along the way, I discovered that what had been holding my circle of friends together was me.

The friends I've made here in the new location... nearly all have moved away, or divorced, or stopped talking to me for no apparent reason.

My circle of friendly acquaintainces who enjoy spending time with me has widened considerably since I started cross-dressing, especially as I go more and more "public". Though likely more correct would be as I more and more accept myself as androgynous and comport myself that way full-time, rather than cross-dressing being a distinct activity.

[Melody Moore]

I fully agree that I need to keep my chin up and look at the glass as half full.

As Melody said, I now should have more money in my purse. Sounds like more shopping now!

You didn't really lose your woman, your woman set you free. So go & have some fun girlfriend ;)

[Traci Elizabeth]

I feel your loss but I also caution you to take time in establishing a new relationship. It is all too easy to jump in with both feet at the first sign of affection only to be hurt again.

You know as well as I do that you do have a bright future ahead. Just don't rush it.

Hugs,
Traci

[Nicki S]

I agree with you 100% Traci. After my divorce, I jumped into the relationship that just failed. I really need time alone and I can concentrate my worries on becoming Nicki. As boring as it is to be alone, I believe it is for the better.

Another fly has been recently added into the ointment now though. I had my 18 yr son living with me when I am home. He was accepting of me dressing too. Anyways him and I have now had a real falling out. There have been many issues with him that I forgot and forgave. The biggie here now is the extreme harsh words said to me and his choice to smoke pot instead of search for a job. Im sorry, but I find that very unacceptable. So I have the house to myself again.

[Aprilrain]

It sounds like you did the right thing by enforcing the rules of the house with your son. 18 is a hard age (Alice Cooper, not a boy not a man). I think you made the right decision, it's our job to be our kids parents not our kids friends they will often lash out with harsh words.

Pot is A hard drug to deal with. For some people it's no big deal and for others like me it's completely addictive and of course there is no way to tell until it's to late. In any case 18 year olds are to young to be doing any drugs or alcohol on a regular basis, but try telling THEM that.

Is he blaming you for whatever? This is a common reaction from kids try not to take it personally.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Nicki, I am sorry to hear that things haven't worked out for you & I know the emptiness you now feel. 3 years is more than long
enough to develop a strong emotional bond with. You can develop a very strong emotional bond in much shorter time believe me.

.............................

My belief is be confident & positive, be happy & always smile while staying focused on your goals & more doors will open for you.

Hugs Melody :hugs: Xx

Melody, that was very thoughtful and well said advice you gave. I could not think of anything else I would add. Way to go !


Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes it is a difficult time for me now. As far as my group of friends, that has been reduced over the years also. 8 yrs ago I move away from my home state and now live 1200 miles from there. So that alone drastically reduced the number of real friends. My wife and I had restarted our lives with new friends after our relocation. She divorced me almost 4 yrs ago and I lost most of our new friends in the divorce also.
With my job, I am away from home for 1/2 of the year. So it is tough to start friendships, let alone a relationship with a woman.
I fully agree that I need to keep my chin up and look at the glass as half full.

As Melody said, I now should have more money in my purse. Sounds like more shopping now!


Your son may be having a difficult time of things right now, I'm not sure i would have sent an 18 year old out of the house, but i would have done things like making a huge list of chores around the house to get him into the work habit. I have an 18 year old nephew who was doing the exactly the same thing as your son, I got on the phone and reamed him a new a**, Told my sister , not to feed or cloth him until he jot a job, I also told him there was nothing wrong with washing dishes as a teen agers first job, he complained that jobs were hard to get in Florida, I had him goto a resturant and offer to wash dishes for a week for free trial basis. He's doing that now. Manager will hire him if the quality of his work is good by Saturday.

[Nicki S]

It sounds like you did the right thing by enforcing the rules of the house with your son. 18 is a hard age (Alice Cooper, not a boy not a man). I think you made the right decision, it's our job to be our kids parents not our kids friends they will often lash out with harsh words.

Pot is A hard drug to deal with. For some people it's no big deal and for others like me it's completely addictive and of course there is no way to tell until it's to late. In any case 18 year olds are to young to be doing any drugs or alcohol on a regular basis, but try telling THEM that.

Is he blaming you for whatever? This is a common reaction from kids try not to take it personally.I agree that pot is a hard drug to deal with. I am guilty of partaking in the years past, but I was also employed and self supportive. There are many worse drugs out there he could be experimenting with, So I am thankful it is just pot, and hopefully doesn't evolve into anything worse. The part that gets me is that he feels that I need to continue to support everything in his life just because he is my son. Wrong! I told him a while ago, that if he choose drugs he will hear my wallet slam shut.
There are other instances that lead me to give him the boot. He has sticky fingers and is stealing from the hand that feeds. How does that saying go? 1st time shame on me, 2nd time, shame on you. That is just something I have a real hard time accepting also.

Oh Yes, I do get blamed, but not nearly as much as he blames the ex wife for divorcing me. He hates that we are a broken family. So do others, I guess that kids just have a different level of difficulty to deal with.

So needless to say, Next to making my HRT decision, kicking him out was a very difficult decision too, I still love him dearly, but I guess now it is tough love.

Melody, that was very thoughtful and well said advice you gave. I could not think of anything else I would add. Way to go !



Your son may be having a difficult time of things right now, I'm not sure i would have sent an 18 year old out of the house, but i would have done things like making a huge list of chores around the house to get him into the work habit. I have an 18 year old nephew who was doing the exactly the same thing as your son, I got on the phone and reamed him a new a**, Told my sister , not to feed or cloth him until he jot a job, I also told him there was nothing wrong with washing dishes as a teen agers first job, he complained that jobs were hard to get in Florida, I had him goto a resturant and offer to wash dishes for a week for free trial basis. He's doing that now. Manager will hire him if the quality of his work is good by Saturday.That is amazing that you could get him to work for free. I can't get mine to work even with the reward of a paycheck. Good on you for stepping in and setting him straight. I'm sure your sister is more than appreciative.

Bottom line right now is life is a bit tough. Like Melody said, keep smiling and my faith and I will get through this. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I love my virtual family.

[Nicole Erin]

[C I had him goto a resturant and offer to wash dishes for a week for free trial basis. He's doing that now. Manager will hire him if the quality of his work is good by Saturday.

So basically the economy and people's values have gotten to the point where people, especially young people, are expected to show up at a job and work for FREE? THAT is a good way to teach someone the value of work. I know a lot of the older generation feels like it is OK but it is dead wrong.

Take my case - when I was a teen I basically was convinient slave labor for whatever upgrades for the parent's house. So then, the kid get conditioned in a way that they have REAL low expectations of what hard work pays off. So they settle for low wage jobs, just out of conditioning, they know nothing else. They end up either avoiding work or if they do work, have to get a lot of assistance in things like grants, food stamps, filing bankruptcy, etc. They end up like me - a burden to tax payers.
Then you have those who completely live off the system and the middle class complain about that. WELL, what does one expect of them? Work at McDonalds for less money than what they could get off welfare sitting at home? Hard choice - less money for more work or more money for less work...
So yes, if you condition a kid that even with working they get next to nothing, they either live that way their whole life or the smart ones find a way around having to work as slaves for a living. By slaves I mean the 30 year old guy who is still working fast food. OBVIOUSLY his problem is no motivation, right? All his fault.

About the parent's house I slaved away at -
Well, obviously I was living there so I should earn my keep. How about this - instead of parents complaining about a kid living there for free, the parents keep their pants on to begin with and not have kids that will SO burden their lives. So as soon as they are 18 they are suppose to be these established adults? Unless mommy and daddy are going to put them thru college and can help them build a SOLID future, a kid doesn't stand a chance. I seen this too many times.

Waits for someone's - "Well I started with nothing and now I make $1,000 a week".. "Well actually it is more than that..."
Well isn't that just wonderful? You got lucky. Yeah, you got lucky. Let's just hope no one finds out about your little weekend hobby and things don't come crumbling down like we read about often on this forum.

But, in the meantime, let's keep the new generation conditioned to expect a life of poverty. :)

[Traci Elizabeth]

Nicole - sorry but you expound naivety and immaturity. Another "woo is me" complex and victim of the real world.

Your story has been preached by each generation since the beginning of time. Yet, the world continues to spin and those same folks who cried "woo is me" for the most part matured and are now contributing members of society, support their families, and rejoice in their life.

So I think in the long run there is hope for you to get past your negativity.


To Nicki, tough love is the most difficult kind for love for a parent to use on their child BUT it is also the one love that is needed above all others. It is your higher duty as a loving , caring parent to stand by your child in their time of need and often that means doing what is ultimately better for the child in the long run, not what makes it easy on them or to allow them to use you as a crutch. As you well know that can mean closing doors, shutting off support, and taking a tough stand always with the intent of helping them to mature and helping them to grow in strength, and to heal from any weaknesses they may have.

As such you will always be there for them to help them help themselves, and to guide them thought the right decisions, or to get them the right help they need but not to be the financial money tree for them.

Yes, tough love is extremely hard on the "parent" who loves their child. But if there is any hope for your child, it must be through that committed love - a tough love parent must endure for the ultimate sake of their child.

I have been there and have done that and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But in the end it was not a question of my child liking me or my decisions but whether my committed love was strong enough to "help" my child get past the troubles, the drugs, the immaturity, and get them the help that they "really needed." In the end and almost without exception the child gets through their crises and learns that it was YOU alone who stood by them with your "tough" but pro-active love. And they come to realize that you where there for them before, during, and after. And the day will come when they become productive, positive, and loving and when you again become a major part of their life and the family thrives once again.

[sandra-leigh]

Take my case - when I was a teen I basically was convinient slave labor for whatever upgrades for the parent's house. So then, the kid get conditioned in a way that they have REAL low expectations of what hard work pays off. So they settle for low wage jobs, just out of conditioning, they know nothing else. They end up either avoiding work or if they do work, have to get a lot of assistance in things like grants, food stamps, filing bankruptcy, etc. They end up like me - a burden to tax payers.

My sister and I had to do a lot of work around the house when we were teens, including cleaning, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and the dishes. Both of us were honours students and both of us went on to university. Both of us are using our university educations in our jobs. I am completely debt free, own my house outright, and edge into the top tax bracket about 40% of the years.

The work we did as teens taught my sister and I responsibility. We weren't assigned that work "for fun" or due to parental laziness: there were solid medical reasons that my parents could not do that work themselves. Each of us was doing what we could to help the other.

[Areyan]

although i disagree with much of the sentiment in Nicole's post and it is going slightly off-topic, i'm going to risk being the unpopular one here in agreeing with her on how a couple of things come together to create the point she was making. parents with no prospects and ideas on how to raise their children together with the welfare system and unequal/unfair pay has contributed to a very real problem in the world. i'm going to share some snippets of my life in hopes that some of you at least, will understand the world doesn't conform to your cookie-cutter expectations or your sheer luck in coming from a wonderfully supportive family.

when we live in a system where financial reward for work has become such a pittance compared to what the state can offer for sitting on our butts doing nothing, there will ALWAYS be people who will use it as a crutch to support their lives. my mother was one such person. although she worked sporadically throughout her life, when she left my father in the '80s, the government rewarded her with a weekly income that was ample enough to rival a mid-level entry position in the work force. did she put money away for my future or invest in me and my sister at all? hell, no. goodness knows what she spent it all on but by the time i was a teenager she was in a relationship with a no-hoping alcoholic and didn't care too much what was going on with me.

it's a no-brainer from there - of course, she never went back to work unless the job paid more than her weekly handout. this is a shameful reality and though i see people fighting to have this assistance removed, i don't think it should be. in a lot of circumstances welfare payments can really tide good people over while facing job crises and redundancies and also, women from violent marriages can get this support so that they can start again with their children.

had my mother got off her butt years ago when i was a small child and gone back to work permanently would she have changed who she was and become supportive of me financially? simply put, children need someone who is willing to put the dollar into it to begin with so the child has at least some opportunities. i am not talking about 18 year olds here, but younger people who need the help to lift off the ground in the first place. my parents were unable and unwilling to do so. by the time i reached 18 i was failing school through lack of encouragement and my social issues, and i had no prospects for the future. yes i worked pitiful jobs to get by but it taught me nothing about appreciating capitalism at all and with my mother's lack of support i felt scared and alone about getting out in the world, not confident and ready.

consider something else too, without the lower class none of us would have a middle class.... this system is designed this way on purpose... in order to have "Haves" you must have "Have Nots". woe is me for being born into a "Have Not" family eh? it's called the birth lottery, and it's sad how many of you dump on people in situations like this considering we had no choice in the matter! yes i can pick my nose, but i could not pick my parents or their lack of support. being born trans is exactly the same thing - again, a birth lottery. some of us are born into families who actually care about sending their kids off into the world to make something of themselves, and some of us are not. not everyone has 100% control of their destinies from day dot or parents who work hard to provide more than just the basics and some of us are just lucky enough to have had more opportunities on offer - even if we had to work for them.

one thing that was glaringly obvious in reading through all the posts of people who had successful work ethic was this one - supportive and hard-working parents. Nicole is not slagging off your wonderful families here, but is making a point that the ones who are not supportive and actually create the sad situations that cause more poverty and despair in their children's lives are part of this huge problem. you can call this negativity or whatever you want to call it. this was my life and i cannot go back and right the wrongs my parents did, all i can do now is try to move forward.

[Gaby2]

Nicki, your son has taken a choice that has caused you probably more heartbreak than losing your woman. It's keeping you both apart at a time when he could be supportive of you. Your strength of character is amazing - I hope he realizes that asap.



The work we did as teens taught my sister and I responsibility.
Well Sandra, my Mammy kept throwing me out of the kitchen, because as far as she was concerned, I was only ever getting in the way.
Nevertheless I feel my parents managed to instill a sense of responsibility in us siblings, even though they had almost insurmountable "have-not" problems to deal with.

Thanks to Areyan.
Well done, Nicole, for not being afraid to say what you think - to me you are just expressing honest opinions based on your own experience - take it or leave it.
You sure outshine my almost-she reactionary thoughts.

Gaby

[Nicki S]

Traci and Gaby, Thank you!