Where is it okay not to "pass?"

[Genivieve]

I have dreamt of going out as dressed as a girl since I was age 10 or so.
I even made a plan once when I was in the 5th grade to wear my sisters clothes
and take a walk when my parents left me home alone for the first time.

I think I finally want to give it a try but I clearly do not look like a woman and
do not want to have an uncomfortable experience. Where do you think is a good and safe place to try.

I have been to gay bars (in male clothing) and they weren't exactly welcoming
to the drag performers on stage.

You always seem to come through for me with helpful answers so thanks in advance!

-Gen

[msniki48]

Gen, my 1st experience was to attend a tri-ess support meeting. There you are among like minded people, and not every girl is passable...not even close, but we are supportive , and you get to experience interaction while dressed as a woman. It is a great way to start.


PS: if you are afraid to travel en femme...you can dress at the facility most times.

hugs

msniki48

[NicoleScott]

I dressed only in private for many years before going out. I started going out at night driving, then walking, and gradually getting a little more "seen". I have been into a few shops (wig shops are the best) and never had a problem. But I never felt at ease.
As a pleasure dresser, I don't desire to blend in, but to go out in my preferred over-the-top style. I stayed in much more than I went out, because staying in removed any concerns about dressing "inappropriately" in public. I would rather stay in and dress/makeup my way than tone it down so I could go out. Kind of an unresolvable problem. Still, I wanted to go out some.
Finally, several years ago while on vacation I found a tg-friendly bar. I went in the daytime in male mode and asked if I could come back en femme. Yes. So I did. I dressed in my preferred over-the-top style, not really caring if anybody knew I was cd. It was the best time - out in public but dressed to please myself. I had a great time. No problems.

[Karren H]

Personally I don't think there's any place you can't go.... As long as you don't mind what people think... And there is no safety issues... I'd stay away from places where groups of young kids hang around. Personally I could care less what anyone thinks but I'm not stupid enough to put myself in harms way so I pick my venues carefully. Stores are always good since the customer is always right? Lol.

[Christy_M]

I have been a couple places but the place I really felt I could relax has been lgbt bars. There are some folks in the lgbt community that are intolerant of us but I really think that is very isolated. There are reasons why drag shows are held in these places and that usually is because they are more tolerant of people's differences.

To echo Karren, if you don't mind what people think, you can go anywhere. I do still mind so I try and limit my outings to places I feel safe and where I can get lost in a crowd without too much attention.

[Genivieve]

Thank you all so much! Those are great suggestions and insights.
I still may not be ready for such a leap when I consider all of your experiences.

[lauraabdl]

Gen th only way to get out is to get out. As mentioned short trips or walks at first to build up your confidence, then girlfriend go fo it. It helps not to answer the rude people just keep walking anyways they are few and far between in my opion.
I get out as often as possible and even more lately, but thats another story. I have recently shaved all body and facial hair off so avatar is an ols picture(one year ago).

[Jonianne]

Like you when I was a child I wanted to wear a dress through a park and now that dream has long been realized. I used to go to a local botanical garden (membership or pay to get in) in the late fall or winter time when there are very few people and on a Sunday morning, when there are even fewer. It was wonderful to just spend time there alone walking the paths.

Most of us have to accept the fact that we are not going to pass. You just have to learn to be OK knowing that people likely can tell, but so far no one has ever said anything negative to me at the gardens. Most are just enjoying the moment being there themselves.

[Alice Torn]

It is always ok, not to pass, in the closet.

[Michael]

Hi, everyone (I just joined and this is my first post here); I would have to agree with the gay bar thing, it's the best place to go and probably not get harassed or bothered much. It is true that some gay men are as lacking in understanding towards crossdressers as are some straight people, but this is not very common. Many gay men seem to be only really familiar with drag queen performers.
And I think with many drag performers, they are almost more about the performance than really about the crossdressing. I think a lot of gay men make the same assumption about CD's that straight people do: that we are all gay. Kind of surprisingly, I have never felt any negative attention from lesbians, I think they by and large understand the desire to feel the experience of the gender that you were not born to.

But I have gone to numerous gay bars crossdressed and never had a problem. Often I am the only CD there.

One time when I lived in Southern California, I went out to a gay club, and I was dressed really sexy in a short skirt and full-fashioned stockings; and I needed to stop at an ATM, a lingerie shop, and a gas station on my way there.
As I stood at the ATM, some guys in a car drove by and saw me and let out exclamations that indicated they really liked what they saw; I am quite sure at that distance and at night and from the back, they had no idea I was a CD. I didn't feel threatened or concerned.
At the lingerie shop, there were only a couple customers who didn't seem to really notice me, and the female clerk who helped me buy some boots was really sweet and pleasant.

At the gas station I was eyeballed a bit, in particular one swarthy looking guy would not take his eyes off me, even before I got out of the car he just stared and stared and stared, this was creepy, and it gave me some understanding of how women can sometimes feel about men just not giving them a break and creeping them out. But I never felt threatened, just uncomfortable.

I don't mean to downplay anyone's worries about safety, and it is a valid concern, but I think using common sense will keep you out of most bad situations; there are some areas, at some times of night, when certain questionable looking characters might be around, you need to avoid. I find that probably 75% of the time people are caught up in their own life and won't give a thought to you doing whatever, if they notice you at all.


And I don't want to get into a political argument with anyone, but I have read on here postings saying that you should not carry a weapon because it can be used against you, because that is what happens sometimes to cops. Deciding to carry a weapon is a personal choice, based on your circumstances and your personality. Do you think you might not be able to use it if you had to? that you might hesitate? then maybe you shouldn't carry one. I am not a gun nut, but some people sometimes would be prudent to use protection. Just some average person, who doesn't carry a lot of money, who isn't a likely target of rape or violence, might be kind of excessive to always be armed, but everyone here knows that crossdressers have been brutally attacked or murdered just for being who they are.

Personally, using force to protect myself does not bother me at all ( and I speak from experience ). I am a very considerate and sensitive person, but I don't make the mistake of conflating this with feeling sympathy for some thug who gets shut down fast and hard.
And unlike with a cop, anyone who attacks me will not even know that I have a weapon until it's much too late for him.
But you don't even have to deal with guns, and I would certainly not make a gun your first and only line of defense, it could have severe legal consequences for you. There are lots of good pepper sprays on the market that will take down multiple attackers. And there is a cool compact air taser that will fit easily in a small purse, it runs about $300 and it is actually more effective at stopping someone than a gun. And it's available in pink.

[AKAMichelle]

if we knew where you lived, then we could point you in a direction. I can tell you what a lot of people have done. Go out of town where nobody knows you and meet other cd'ers. If you want to do it in Denver, we have a group here to help people go out for the very first time.

[Gennifer]

I agree that out of town makes sense. But I also really appreciate the comments about being comfortable with you are, and then going for it (safely).

[DebsUK]

You'll get most indifference to passing at TG support groups. I've been to a few and there are CDs here that are in various stages of dressing and passing, like without a wig or without femme shoes. You would also be able to get away without passing at fetish clubs. Otherwise, LGBT bars, especially on the designated CD nightswould be especially tolerant. This might help you get a thicker skin and more confidence before heading out into more "mixed" environments

[Michael]

Also, I have been a member of several CD meetup groups; most larger cities have one, some more active than others.
The one in LA is of course pretty active, the Dallas one is great, Houston is not bad; unfortunately the one in my home town of Austin is pretty much dud.
The meetups are great, you can get together with a number of other CD's and meet; strength in numbers if you are leery of going out dressed:
check it out:
http://www.meetup.com/

[Debb]

Our local transgender group meets at a small gay bar; those kinds of meetings are pretty good.

Also, if you can find a friend, or already have one who crossdresses, going somewhere together can really make a difference in confidence levels.

And ... don't fool yourself, it's more about your own confidence than anything else. Developing that confidence is damn hard, but worth it.

[Angiemead12]

My first time out was with my girlfriend last year for dinner at a small cozy restaurant. We had a corner table so it was pleasant and private. And I have also done many night drives dressed.

Since I live in a small town I would like to travel to japan soon and let loose there for a few days without worrying of who may see me or recognize me. I think Im pretty confident with myself, just scared to get recognized!

[Samantha B L]

Hi Mrogredick, Your not %100 passable but you'll do as a 2/3 to 3/4 just fine. I used to go all over the area where I lived in Southern Illinois and St.Louis Missouri in kind of a semi-drag. I wore satiny women's items in violet and pink shades and I tried to do makeup but I couldn't get the hang of it. I had some pink bell bottums . I had a pair of women's shoes that were white. This was all back around 1975 and 1976. I had "my own" hair which through trial and error I figured out how to give myself updos,boofoos,beehives,topknots and all that i've described here is how I dressed for a couple of years. I had to stop eventually because my Mom and a couple of other people wouldn't shut up about it so I had to confine my dressing to times when none of those people were around the house. Nowadays I live in the twin cities area in Minnesota and I'm careful about where and when I dress so the stigma of it all won't reflect on my nephew who's presently kind of getting it together job-wise and school-wise. Just in case he runs into people who could maybe know about his uncle's "transvestitism" I don't want him to have to be the object of any s__t. Otherwise, I'm "out" to a lot of people. I've always thought support groups could be a lot of fun but I've never actually been to one. If you're looking for places to shop or kind of hang out while dressed balloons and ice cream kinda places like Sears and Roebuck or even sorta dull places like supermarkets can be safe places to be in for like a half hour to an hour. And if you are buying like $30-$40 of groceries or other items they'll be glad to have you as a customer. Mrogredick,I know it all sounds funny but the balloons and ice cream places(dairy queen and Kmart for instance)won't steer you wrong for the first few times and won't discriminate because mainly the other customers are little kids and middle aged housewives. they are busy enough without doing anything to hassle the "TV". So I know that none of this is as fun as going to see Hedda Lettuce after dinner at an Indian Resturaunt. But it's just something for starters. I like your outfit and wig in your avatar pic. You'll do OK. People often don't pay acute attention and many of them won't know your a "guy in drag".

[sissystephanie]

I have been a CD for over 60 years, and have been out and about more times than I care to count. Not always "passable," but I don't really care. When my late wife was around to do my makeup and wig I really was "passable." Now that she is gone, I still go out dressed enfemme but as a man! No wig and no makeup. And I do go everywhere! Shopping, both grocery and clothes, etc., to the Post Office, or just out to eat. The whole thing is YOUR ATTITUDE!! If you act like you belong doing what it is you are doing, you will get by. Sure, you may get some "looks," but who cares? I just mind my own business, and talk nicely to people who talk to me and never have any problems. BTW, I have been going out like this for over 5 years. I am terrible with makeup and not too good with my wig!! I have had compliments on my feminine clothing from both men and women. And I do wear skirts a lot! Love them!! I have had women ask me where they could buy a similar skirt on numerous occasions! And I do tell them if I can remember where I got it!! Just dress up and go out!! You will enjoy it!!

[danica d]

Out of town feels more secure, in other words if you get noticed who is there you'd know...nobody. I've found places where you're not likely to stand out, think malls during holiday season or other busy urban venues. But as others have pointed out keep it in a safe place that's well secured too, it's a bit of a balancing act until you're 100% confident! Don't worry you'll get there!

[Sophie_C]

Most big cities have cd + tg mixed bars (places like NYC are so big they have both, separate), so I should suggest that as the best place to start. Also, the bigger the city is, the more unusual things people have seen, so the less they'll give a care about you.

[Juliemckay]

My first answer to this question was:


On 3rd and short, if the Offensive line is controlling the line of scrimage... I've been watching too much football

[Amymonroe]

you could try and have someone else CD/TG go out with you. thats just one idea that sounds safe.

[Missy Tanya]

I would look for a TG Support group in your area. They will be accepting, how ever you look or dress. We have almost 1-2 first times each month at our group. Some have been doing it for ages at home. Other this is the first time dressed or quite a few come in drab the first time. Just to check it out. That's what I did. But they made me feel right at home in minutes. Then I was disappointed that I didn't dress pretty. Now every meeting is another great night out as Tanya. And after every meeting, they go have Pizza and Drinks at a local anyone welcome restaurant. First meeting I went as Tanya, my wife went with me.
They asked us to join them at the restaurant, I was having so much fun out in public at Tanya, why not. Then walking into a place with 60 or so people eating, chatting and so on, was quite eye opening. Now two years later, I just waltz right in and take my spot at the table, not caring what other customers are thinking or if their even looking our way.

They have other events almost each month and anyone is excepted. I've made so many "good new friends" that at least I don't have to worry about what I say or how I'm dressed. So just look around, I'm sure where ever you are located, there is one somewhere in driving distance.

Tanya

[marcia.silk]

if we knew where you lived, then we could point you in a direction. I can tell you what a lot of people have done. Go out of town where nobody knows you and meet other cd'ers. If you want to do it in Denver, we have a group here to help people go out for the very first time.

Michelle, I live in Denver, and I would love to make contact with your group. Could you email me at [email protected]? I would so appreciate it.

Marcia.

[AnnaCalliope]

Like a lot of people have said, its all about your attitude and self confidence. I've been out en femme six times in the last few days, 4 times out to eat with friends and twice grocery shopping by myself. Strut your stuff and smile. Most people will just shrug and go about their business.

[Rachel Morley]

You'll get most indifference to passing at TG support groups.


I would look for a TG Support group in your area. They will be accepting, how ever you look or dress.

Exactly! ... this is what I was going to say. Ok, I'm a little biased as I am on the board of one of the largest transgender support groups in California, so I am somewhat "pro TG support groups" but all the attendees at these events have been, or still are, where you are now. They'll be accepting and encouraging of you no matter how much you do or don't pass.

[mywifeswoman]

Personally I don't think there's any place you can't go.... As long as you don't mind what people think... And there is no safety issues... I'd stay away from places where groups of young kids hang around. Personally I could care less what anyone thinks but I'm not stupid enough to put myself in harms way so I pick my venues carefully. Stores are always good since the customer is always right? Lol.

I would so love to actually meet someone like you in public..I love to try on many different things, spend time with the wife doing girly things, but as of yet seem to lack the courage to try to go out, especially in the daytime and to any regular place. But then again, this is the reason I joined this site, to help meet others and gain courage to go farther than just the insides of my home.

[mywifeswoman]

My first time out was with my girlfriend last year for dinner at a small cozy restaurant. We had a corner table so it was pleasant and private. And I have also done many night drives dressed.

Since I live in a small town I would like to travel to japan soon and let loose there for a few days without worrying of who may see me or recognize me. I think Im pretty confident with myself, just scared to get recognized!
You look fabulous in your profile pic, Id be hard pressed to think you wernt a man based on it. In fact, If i was looking for a gf as a single man, you would catch my eye. Good luck in whatever you do..Lauren.

[lingerieLiz]

Where to go? What do you like to do? I've never been someone who liked bars or clubs. I love to shop and have found that most malls during the day are fairly safe especially when school is in session.

I strongly don't recommend late night drives. I did it when I was young and nearly got caught a few times back in the days when they put CDs in jail. Today you have people doing drive by shootings for no reason. A woman driving by herself late at night is not only a target but causes the police to take a look. Remember the police are looking for things that don't fit in. When my daughter and her friends would drive by themselves late at night they would wear guys hats and try and look like a guy as much as possible.

Today, I don't think there are many places if any that CDing is a crime. I was at a mall one day and watched someone walk through with his parents sporting a look that was designed to attract attention. Everyone looked, but then they went back to what they were doing.

[Amawa Hibiki]

My first time out was with my girlfriend last year for dinner at a small cozy restaurant. We had a corner table so it was pleasant and private. And I have also done many night drives dressed.

Since I live in a small town I would like to travel to japan soon and let loose there for a few days without worrying of who may see me or recognize me. I think Im pretty confident with myself, just scared to get recognized!

You would love Japan. I am trying my hand at teaching English there. Its much easier to sound Feminine speaking Japanese than English. Some areas are better than others there. Its all in what you want to do.

[Genivieve]

So much to say, but I'll stick to what's on my mind right now. I recently got away from everyone and rented a hotel where I dressed in solitary peace. It was so nice yet...Now I feel this backlash inside, regret, fear, deception.

A large part of me believes that if I was passable, if I did look like some of the beautiful women on this site
then who could question me? I could have faith in it. The truth is I largely began to give up dressing once my body betrayed me. By age 16 I had too much hair for pantyhose, and my previously button nose took over my face.
I never quite developed enough to be a male specimen, yet I have somewhat girly arms legs and hips.

On top of that I have never felt any benefit whatsoever for being a man. Maybe a lack of role models or society as it is today who knows but the males I met left me quite uninspired.