Inna
01-03-2011, 05:59 PM
We all start on this journey to arrive at ones self, true and whole. It may at times seem like a wonderful dream, it did to me from time to time. But what I have experienced over Christmas was both devastating and awakening. I want to share this story with you and I know you are capable of loving, laughing and crying with me and are true and wholesome.
Christmas was approaching fast and anticipation of my sisters arrival brought feelings of joy and good times to come. She is my angel who has listened to me open up and accepted me with warm heart and without limit or condition. Her whole family was coming to stay with us over Christmas, two beautiful girls, two year old handful boy, oh boy he is a handful, and wonderful, soulful mate husband. I have welcomed them at the airport and vacation has started. One of the main reasons they have came down was my sisters husbands parents. They are of frail condition and especially his father who is undergoing chemo for cancer. We do not know how much time is left but as indicated by medical specialists, time is running out. One of the scheduled trips was an early Christmas celebration with my father at his house. We have all packed into a van and headed there with an anticipation of celebration. First night have come and gone, we talked about spirituality and bothersome issues my father feels towards people in general. He is 70 and still pulling his weight and working like a horse, but his hatred toward the establishment and people in general is overwhelming and we, my sister and I, felt that there is more to this and that he suffers from pain caused long time ago during his childhood and issues he had with his father. Second night my sister confronted him in order for him to open up, he had few drinks and was just as usual, pissed off at the world. I said that he was not the only one experiencing such pain to which he suddenly started pay much attention. I have left the conversation, and as I have learned later, my father insisted my sister would reveal the secret I mentioned. What happened next can only be described as ones worst fear.
My sister opened up explained my situation and circumstances of my pain. My father was shaken up to his rusted foundation and refused to accept the fact in the most drastic and repulsive way.
Now, I was placed in the hated camp, joining lawyers, administration officials, lesbians, gays, lepers, perverts, and placed amongst lowest life forms imaginable by fathers standards. I was betrayed by my own blood, thrown into gutter by the one I so loved and admired, and the rejection I encountered was so unexpected and painful I broke down in the car coming back home. Next came the dreaded phone call from him, "I don't think I am able to see you ever again" chill filled my entire being, emptiness surrounded my soul and no answer was able to sound.
I didn't cry this time, I just felt so empty and lost.
Evening came and I mustered strength to call him back to say that I love him very much and will do so forever.
I took the phone in hand and shivering, dialed the number. His wife picked up the phone and I started to talk about the pain and suicidal thoughts I had and how it led to finally opening up and letting it spill out into the open.
What came next shocked and broke my heart in two, she asked weather I have done anything to my child, have I ever touched him inappropriately. Tears started to pour out of me, pain penetrated to the deepest crevasse of my being, speechless and broken I gathered strength, "What are you asking?" she repeated, "don't touch him, please, don't do it!" Through disbelief I answered; "How can you think such a dreadful thought, do you honestly believe I would be capable of such atrocity?" I was now at the place I never thought I would find, monster, horrible dreadful place.
Realizing that my entire life meant nothing and a single label provoked and changed me into a demon.
Conversation has lasted several minutes and throughout, I was able to convey what I felt and get some consideration from both of them. At the end my father asked to speak with my ex who was with us ensuring me he will keep this news a secret from her for now for the consideration of my 16 year old safety.
After hanging up with my father, my ex directed everybody to clean up after Christmas eve, but her behavior gave away the feeling of dread and I knew then that my whole world was starting to unfold. Everyone felt uneasy but none had knowledge of what was said over the phone. Next morning my sister and her family drove over to her husbands father, I stayed home. My boy has gone to play outside and my ex has asked from the kitchen; "so, how you feeling?'' I was confused and replied; " about what?" she then said; "well, I know everything, and want to hear you describe it to me" I choked, tears once again filled my eyes, I started to talk, few words but decisive. "I have a identity crisis, I am transgender" She approached where I was sitting and embraced me, held me and said "I understand now, I always felt it, but now I understand''. I cried like a baby and said how sorry I am for all the hurt and suffering. She said; ''you will always remain my best friend".
It felt good, and I found a bit of light amongst ruins of my soul.
Some time has passed and sun has set on the horizon, my ex asked me to go and get her couple packs of cigarettes before she departs on tomorrows trip to New York. As I was stepping out she asked; "have you ever done anything to your son" I thought that the end of the world was near, once again I was betrayed by the person who I thought knew me. I explained just as I have to my fathers wife and stepped outside to get the cigarettes. I drove to the first gas station got the cigarettes got back to the car and headed back, but the pain was too strong, I didn't want to return back, I kept on diving forward without direction. I ended up at the parking lot where I used to drive my boy in the dark morning hours to wait for school bus. I parked. Sky was totally dark by now and bit of the misty rain was falling down. Excruciating sorrow filled every and each cell of my body, tears poured out of me like geysers spewing liquid pain, my body was convulsing in an uncontrollable spasm. I shouted; "please, please stop my heart from beating" I kept repeating on and on, and just as I asked, the thoughts of my son, with his beautiful heart and wonderful loving soul kept on bringing me back. I wished for the end and such thought was peaceful and felt almost pleasant, but pain kept on twisting my body and mind and entire soul. "Please hear me, stop my heart and release me from this bond, please, release me" then the thought of my beautiful angel, my sister and her love. Back again to teared eyes looking into an abyss with no love in sight.
I screamed; "Father, your son is dead, your son, is dead" I was dead, suspended, in no place, and no time. There were no flames and no monsters, just sorrow, unimaginable sorrow, sorrow so deep I looked onto death as release.
I peaked through rain spotted window onto an oak tree under which the car was parked, its black branches were coming towards me as though to embrace me, it was real, oh my god, it was real. I felt it was the end, and once again thoughts of my mother, pure, loving, selfless, kept on pushing me back. Pain in my head! Oh god is it a stoke, oh please let it be, but no! just sinus headache from pouring tears.
I died that night.
Then a phone call pierced the silence, its my sister, "hon, where are you?" "I am somewhere near"I said,
" where are you, baby", "I am near by at the parking lot"
"please come back home, I need you, I love you"
She pulled me back, once again she brought me to life. "please put your babies to sleep hon, and call me when its done, I will be ok" I said, she reluctantly agreed and hang up. After a while my ex called and asked not to do something stupid, and that she needs me as well and our son need me the most. I came back that night, but Fathers Son was dead.
Christmas was approaching fast and anticipation of my sisters arrival brought feelings of joy and good times to come. She is my angel who has listened to me open up and accepted me with warm heart and without limit or condition. Her whole family was coming to stay with us over Christmas, two beautiful girls, two year old handful boy, oh boy he is a handful, and wonderful, soulful mate husband. I have welcomed them at the airport and vacation has started. One of the main reasons they have came down was my sisters husbands parents. They are of frail condition and especially his father who is undergoing chemo for cancer. We do not know how much time is left but as indicated by medical specialists, time is running out. One of the scheduled trips was an early Christmas celebration with my father at his house. We have all packed into a van and headed there with an anticipation of celebration. First night have come and gone, we talked about spirituality and bothersome issues my father feels towards people in general. He is 70 and still pulling his weight and working like a horse, but his hatred toward the establishment and people in general is overwhelming and we, my sister and I, felt that there is more to this and that he suffers from pain caused long time ago during his childhood and issues he had with his father. Second night my sister confronted him in order for him to open up, he had few drinks and was just as usual, pissed off at the world. I said that he was not the only one experiencing such pain to which he suddenly started pay much attention. I have left the conversation, and as I have learned later, my father insisted my sister would reveal the secret I mentioned. What happened next can only be described as ones worst fear.
My sister opened up explained my situation and circumstances of my pain. My father was shaken up to his rusted foundation and refused to accept the fact in the most drastic and repulsive way.
Now, I was placed in the hated camp, joining lawyers, administration officials, lesbians, gays, lepers, perverts, and placed amongst lowest life forms imaginable by fathers standards. I was betrayed by my own blood, thrown into gutter by the one I so loved and admired, and the rejection I encountered was so unexpected and painful I broke down in the car coming back home. Next came the dreaded phone call from him, "I don't think I am able to see you ever again" chill filled my entire being, emptiness surrounded my soul and no answer was able to sound.
I didn't cry this time, I just felt so empty and lost.
Evening came and I mustered strength to call him back to say that I love him very much and will do so forever.
I took the phone in hand and shivering, dialed the number. His wife picked up the phone and I started to talk about the pain and suicidal thoughts I had and how it led to finally opening up and letting it spill out into the open.
What came next shocked and broke my heart in two, she asked weather I have done anything to my child, have I ever touched him inappropriately. Tears started to pour out of me, pain penetrated to the deepest crevasse of my being, speechless and broken I gathered strength, "What are you asking?" she repeated, "don't touch him, please, don't do it!" Through disbelief I answered; "How can you think such a dreadful thought, do you honestly believe I would be capable of such atrocity?" I was now at the place I never thought I would find, monster, horrible dreadful place.
Realizing that my entire life meant nothing and a single label provoked and changed me into a demon.
Conversation has lasted several minutes and throughout, I was able to convey what I felt and get some consideration from both of them. At the end my father asked to speak with my ex who was with us ensuring me he will keep this news a secret from her for now for the consideration of my 16 year old safety.
After hanging up with my father, my ex directed everybody to clean up after Christmas eve, but her behavior gave away the feeling of dread and I knew then that my whole world was starting to unfold. Everyone felt uneasy but none had knowledge of what was said over the phone. Next morning my sister and her family drove over to her husbands father, I stayed home. My boy has gone to play outside and my ex has asked from the kitchen; "so, how you feeling?'' I was confused and replied; " about what?" she then said; "well, I know everything, and want to hear you describe it to me" I choked, tears once again filled my eyes, I started to talk, few words but decisive. "I have a identity crisis, I am transgender" She approached where I was sitting and embraced me, held me and said "I understand now, I always felt it, but now I understand''. I cried like a baby and said how sorry I am for all the hurt and suffering. She said; ''you will always remain my best friend".
It felt good, and I found a bit of light amongst ruins of my soul.
Some time has passed and sun has set on the horizon, my ex asked me to go and get her couple packs of cigarettes before she departs on tomorrows trip to New York. As I was stepping out she asked; "have you ever done anything to your son" I thought that the end of the world was near, once again I was betrayed by the person who I thought knew me. I explained just as I have to my fathers wife and stepped outside to get the cigarettes. I drove to the first gas station got the cigarettes got back to the car and headed back, but the pain was too strong, I didn't want to return back, I kept on diving forward without direction. I ended up at the parking lot where I used to drive my boy in the dark morning hours to wait for school bus. I parked. Sky was totally dark by now and bit of the misty rain was falling down. Excruciating sorrow filled every and each cell of my body, tears poured out of me like geysers spewing liquid pain, my body was convulsing in an uncontrollable spasm. I shouted; "please, please stop my heart from beating" I kept repeating on and on, and just as I asked, the thoughts of my son, with his beautiful heart and wonderful loving soul kept on bringing me back. I wished for the end and such thought was peaceful and felt almost pleasant, but pain kept on twisting my body and mind and entire soul. "Please hear me, stop my heart and release me from this bond, please, release me" then the thought of my beautiful angel, my sister and her love. Back again to teared eyes looking into an abyss with no love in sight.
I screamed; "Father, your son is dead, your son, is dead" I was dead, suspended, in no place, and no time. There were no flames and no monsters, just sorrow, unimaginable sorrow, sorrow so deep I looked onto death as release.
I peaked through rain spotted window onto an oak tree under which the car was parked, its black branches were coming towards me as though to embrace me, it was real, oh my god, it was real. I felt it was the end, and once again thoughts of my mother, pure, loving, selfless, kept on pushing me back. Pain in my head! Oh god is it a stoke, oh please let it be, but no! just sinus headache from pouring tears.
I died that night.
Then a phone call pierced the silence, its my sister, "hon, where are you?" "I am somewhere near"I said,
" where are you, baby", "I am near by at the parking lot"
"please come back home, I need you, I love you"
She pulled me back, once again she brought me to life. "please put your babies to sleep hon, and call me when its done, I will be ok" I said, she reluctantly agreed and hang up. After a while my ex called and asked not to do something stupid, and that she needs me as well and our son need me the most. I came back that night, but Fathers Son was dead.