I have advantages as a TS that most TS/CD only wish for.

[Nicole Erin]

Or do i? :sad:
Folks I know I have been a real shit lately. And I apologize.

So what do I have? Well -
I can pass reasonably well day to day among strangers.
Everyone in the family is accepting. Even my dad, while if he had his "druthers", has not rejected me. My best friend is 100% cool with it. Still calls me male name but, it's cool, Bro! :heehee:
I have no spouse griping at me about "Erin".
Voice is good enough to not give me away.

Most of all, I have gained the apathy to step out and not give a rat's what anyone thinks. Not confidence, but apathy. Glad I learned that today. Had to show my ID, which has my female info but I was looking pretty rugged. And I didn't give one crap.

So with all these advantages, somewhere I lost interest in femininity. Lately I don't even bother with anything except maybe shower off a bit, thorw on the sweats I always wear and go. I relish the days I don't have to look pretty as "Erin".

The accpetance, the semi-passability, the freedom to live as I want. I ended up taking it so for granted that I don't even care anymore.

Some guy I was talking to about some business I need to attend to called me "sir" and it didn't even bother me. I knew I looked like a bum.

What is my problem? Why did I fight and work so hard for this and now I don't care?
I don't tell myself "if I could afford this or do that, life would be perfect". I don't think in the least that FFS or SRS would solve a damned thing.

Like I said - with a decent day to day effort, I have little problems passing and living as a woman but anymore, I don't even care.

Is this a stage of transition that no one ever talks about or is it something deeper like I am making a mistake? How can you want for something for years and when it arrives, it is like, "whatever"? Maybe it is just cause I am worried, tired, sick, and lonely lately. Like I don't care about *anything*

They say people are too wrapped up in their own business to care about anyone else and let me tell you, that is true.

[Stephanie Anne]

You want some validation maybe? I have all the advantages you have plus a well paying job and a great support system. I don't feel the need to define my femininity so much anymore either. I choose to do so because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good.

Maybe you are either rebelling over having to do something or you just are going about things too fast. Either way, without knowing you from the inside out, I have no real idea what you are searching for.

[noeleena]

Hi Nicole.

Is the underliying detail here self regrets self dought. or just life & its getting you down . I have many women friends & some on a fourm im on we are just women no trans just normal women & they have day to day detail going on , in a nut shell , life & with other people .
Whats the root cause here ,
I do know some have gone through all what many go through to see them selfs as woman yet after a time they say they cant live as women so its back to a male life . im looking at the Psychological, & mental side of things as this seems to be left out of the picture. & i do wonder if some trans are really able to see being a woman is a long way different to being a male,

Some of us have the looks & do pass as women others & im one who does not pass or have the looks & thats not going to change, yet i am a woman & accepeted as one just i know im different thats all. please let me know some more on how your thinking & if you see some things thatll explain the why your feeling this way so ill leave it here for now . till youv had a think some more .

...noeleena...

[NiCo]

I think with every person who transitions but “passes” on a daily basis, has all their documents change and is finally comfortable with one self feels how you do.

I know that since I made some major changes in my life [disowned family and friends who don’t try] I have been happier and being UBER MASCULINE is not as important now. I just let it all flow naturally, I don’t watch how I am walking or make sure I don’t do anything considered “feminine” because…I…don’t…care…anymore…so…jog on.

As a guy, it is easier for me to go out looking like shit and pass, cause most guys don’t give a shit anyway…and although I am vain as hell, I don’t always have the time to poof myself up.

I never get mistaken as female, I never have family who drop in the wrong pronouns or wrong name, and friends don’t do it either…I have ID to prove I am male, so don’t care what anyone says…

Surgery changed a lot for me, chest surgery was absolutely vital for me to be able to be comfortable enough to leave the house. Now that I have it, and I am happy…I don’t care what anyone thinks.

Things that used to annoy me, whenever dealing with someone who knew about my situation, such as sensitive matters or ex-insults, for example; “tranny” or “do you have tits still?” doesn’t bother me anymore. I laugh in their faces cause I am comfortable, even if I look shit.

I think you have reached a peak where you are more comfortable than you have ever been…and look around you; do you see women going about their daily business dressed up as if they are going to a formal-do every day? No. they go from A-B in what they feel comfortable in and they don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. Because they are who they are…aye?

If people don’t like you for who you are, trans or not…then they aren’t worth your time. If a trans person told me what I was doing was “wasting masculinity” [:heehee: waaaat???] then I’d most probably tell them they are idiots and to “get a grip” which would follow with much lulz.

My life is MY life. Yours is YOURS. No-one owns you or tells you right from wrong, that's your choice! :)

Who cares what anyone thinks? There is something I found very common in the trans community, sticking judgement on people because they aren’t “following da rulez of being trans” there ain’t any rules. Do what YOU want. Screw everyone else. If you are comfortable and happy with how your life is going then that’s cool…keep being happy…forget what the outsiders think, they are not important. At all. :tongueout

[Melody Moore]

Hi Nicole, whats up?

its obvious to everyone something is bugging you or your 'I don't give a rats' attitude
would not be present in your post if you had advantages that most TS/CD only wish for.

Is it validation that you are after or is this just a need to vent?


They say people are too wrapped up in their own business to care about anyone else and let me tell you, that is true.
Not everyone Nicole, because if that was true, then noone would have even bothered to reply to your thread.

People here do care enough to listen to each other. But you must also bear in mind that the world still keeps going
around. Sometimes other people do switch off to someone else in need because they have other important things
going on in their lives. It might not necessarily be as important as your needs, but to them its important all the same.

Let me tell you a very true story.... back in the late 90s I worked in commercial printing and the father of our receptionist
passed away suddenly from cancer. This woman came to work every day after he died in a very upset mood, it was obvious
she was grieving, but there was a business that also needed to be ran. Her moods were affecting everyone and it got to a
point I was the one who told her to go home and deal with her issues and that the best place for her was not at work. She
got absolutely furious with me when I told her this, but the manager agreed with me and said she was better off going to
deal with what she had to on her own. It is not that noone cared, we all cared immensely about her. But what could anyone
at work really do to help her through her time of grief?

After about a week away from work, our receptionist came back to work and that morning I decided to stay well clear because
of the fireworks we had before she took time off. Anyway, I got a call from her first thing that morning, she wanted me to go
downstairs an see her. When I did, she apologised to me for the way that she behaved and she couldn't see what she was
doing with the way her attitude was at the time was only making things so much more difficult for herself. We did care & she
just didn't see it.

The receptionist told me that she had to go to the morgue to make funeral arrangements for her father & it was after she came
out from seeing her father's body and dealing with this that she realised why some people are so busy that they don't seem to
care for others. What happened was she was walking through the hospital grounds and seen a family sitting under a tree having
a picnic and she had this thought go through her head 'How dare they be having a picnic, don't they realise my father just died?'.
But as she go closer she realised that this family was huddled around their sick child in pyjamas who was a patient in the hospital.

The receptionist told me that she felt so guilty for always thinking only of herself. We all have duties, obligations & responsibilities
to deal with. At work I had a job to do and so did everyone else. It never meant for one second that noone cared. We all took time
to talk to her and be supportive just after her father passed away, but there was a point that we also had to fulfil our other duties,
obligations & responsibilities. That family having that picnic was fulfilling theirs by making the day much happier & brighter for their
sick child. If you were in that situation then how would you feel if someone came along and was so demanding for your attention?

Nicole, don't take this the wrong way when I say this, but I think there is something seriously wrong with your attitude right now.
I have no idea what is causing it, but if you shared a little more, then hopefully we might understand. But don't think that the world
is against you and that everyone is too busy to care. If I didn't care would I have bothered to write all this?

:hugs:

[Jonianne]

Maybe your feeling like s#*t means you need a change of direction or at least a tack in direction to find your wind again. I assume you are seeing a gender therapist and sharing these thoughts with her. I guess the questions I would ask myself before proceding are:

"Am I OK living in this current state of being the rest of my life or do I feel a strong need to finish the path I started?"

"Have I reached my emotional and gender balance just as I am?"

"Would proceding be something I would do because I am accepted and expected by everyone to continue?"

"Is my Gender Dysphoria abated or gone?"

Nicole, you are a good person in my mind, by owning up to things you feel you have not been appropiatly reacting to. That is a sure sign of someone that has a genuine caring heart. By reaching out and searching inward, I'm sure you will find the right answer for yourself in time.

[Frances]

The opposite of gender dysphoria is not gender euphoria. I find life as a woman pretty ordinary myself, and that is the way it should be. In general, women and men are not excited about being women or men.

However, being perceived as a woman and communicating that gender to the world is paramount to me. It would not be okay to be called sir or my old name by anyone, not even my family.

[Traci Elizabeth]

The opposite of gender dysphoria is not gender euphoria. I find life as a woman pretty ordinary myself, and that is the way it should be. In general, women and men are not excited about being women or men.

However, being perceived as a woman and communicating that gender to the world is paramount to me. It would not be okay to be called sir or my old name by anyone, not even my family.



Frances says it well for me too. I have no problems passing, and am accepted by everyone as a woman. I am fortunate to have had a very feminine body to begin with and the results of my HRT have been just short of a miracle for me to include now large female breasts that stick out under bulky clothes even without a bra. But the point is, I no longer "try." I just am. Everything about my life is now "female" and in that light, it is uneventful because no one who meets me would have any idea that I was once a "man."

So I have openly transitioned into total acceptance and life as a woman - no big deal. I am who I am!

But even though it is uneventful to be me - a woman, it brings me great joy, happiness, peace, and freedom to be my "True-Self!"

[TeaD]

Have been on hormone therapy for 7 weeks and have already discovered a need to be sexually ambigious as opposed to female. Sex drive down and the amount of time I spend on the internet "shopping" is way down. Spend my time trying to figure out how to achieve passable not sexy. In that regard you are blessed. Every day you should wake up thankful and happy of that blessing. Run with it.

[Rianna Humble]

From the symptoms, I would say that what is wrong with you is that you are becoming normal :eek:

As others have said, you don't see many genetic women dressed for the catwalk when they are going to the gym or going shopping, they are comfortable in themselves.

However, I do think that there is something worrying you that you have not (could not) articulate in this thread. I hope you can talk it through with someone. If it would help, please feel free to PM me.

[Jorja]

As many here know, I transitioned a long time ago. I remember after being 24/7 for a while I too developed a don't care attitude. You see, life isn't any greener on this side of the fence. It is only your view that changes. You still have to pay your bills, mow the lawn, take the garbage out, deal with family matters and so on. Yes, HRT helped calm me down and I became "normal". While it felt good to be the true me, I still had all the road blocks ahead of me that needed to be cleared. As soon as I realized I was exactally where I wanted to be, my attitude changed. I picked my cute a$$ up and continued on with my life. I believe it is called depression that you are experiencing. If it continues or symptoms become worse, please see a doctor about it.

[Hope]

What is my problem? Why did I fight and work so hard for this and now I don't care?

For the answer to your own question - read on.


I don't even care. I am worried, tired, sick, and lonely lately. Like I don't care about *anything*

This my friends is what we call depression.

You aren't comfortable going out in a dirty pair of sweats looking like a bum because you are "normal" or have somehow "arrived" as a woman. Most women don't go out looking like bums. Most PEOPLE don't go out looking like bums. You do this because you, as you said, are worried, sick, tired, lonely and don't care about anything.

If you haven't been seeing a therapist - it is past time.

[Stephanie Heplby]

Hope offers a very astute observation. I second the notion; please talk to someone -- it sounds like you are hurting and might not even realize the depth.

[jenniferlace]

Hey, Nicole...well, you said it yourself didn't you? "I am worried, tired, sick, and lonely lately."
Nobody would feel satisfaction in gender or journey or destination under those circumstances.
Just because you reach the end of a road doesn't mean you've arrived at your destination, you know?
And apathy serves no other end but protection from our own emotions regardless of what others feel, say, or do.

First thing: give yourself a break. Don't be so hard on yourself. Clear your head with exercise and health and not dwelling on negatives.

Hope's advice about therapy is straight and sound. It's also true that therapy when you don't need it can be a waste of time and money. So maybe you've already been there and done that, but can't really speculate on that. It's almost irrelevant if you are feeling that way you do. I say 'almost' because good therapy hinges on the therapist of couse, so there's that to consider. I think I went through 4 or 5 people before I found the 'right' therapist for me.

But when dealing with issues of potentially serious consequence, functioning therapy provides a space for all the bullshit and emotional chaos to pour out and be 'safe" at the same time. And pouring out isn't just catharsis - it's the beginning of an exploration of self. I think the most important thing therapy does is create the possibility that there are more ways to see and feel about something than we allow ourselves to believe. For when we hold onto something with such intensity, even our open hearts and minds can be blind to a greater sense of self in reality. Life is not ever just simply the way we 'see' or feel it - how could it be?

Regardless, the thing is that you're posting these feelings here - even if you're talking about having discovered the 'benefits' of apathy, there's another layer of emotion and self-concern which prompted you to write it down for us to read. I'm not questioning the validity of your sense of numb removal from things- you experience yourself. But your words convey more emotion than perhaps you can express to other people in your real physical world as opposed to the shell of anonymity that this forum provides. And from my own experience a truly apathetic and anhedonic state of mind doesn't have the will to write down it's feelings - it has none.

Your post is moving, especially because it starts out with such bravado and spirit - but coils down into a sense of worry and waning hopes. While it's great that you have all of those 'naturally' occurring blessings of physicality and life-circumstance, all of that stuff is exterior - isn't it? And so all the passing and freedom in the world doesn't mean a damn thing if there's not a sense of liberty and place and purpose, mild or massive, on the inside. I also think it would be impossible to exist with any happiness in a state of such juxtaposed forces - being so capable of expressing your femininity with ease out in the world and life while simultaneously fearing that you've made or are making a mistake. I think uncertainty is a normal fluctuation of being alive regardless of gender situation, but condemning yourself is a trap to which only you have the key of release.

With gentleness and concern I'll say this...my impression of your post is that it reveals more feigned toughness than true apathy...and underneath it all some kind of unspoken indication that, in some way, you are not having your truest needs met, regardless of all of these apparently wonderful circumstances of chance. We change our lives, but life changes us as well, and in unpredictable, unknowable ways. I mean, are you even the same person you were when you started passing seriously? Really? How could you be? Didn't those experiences of living life from the other side change you? How could they not?

I feel for you, baby...and perhaps with 'chance' already in your favor you will find a clearer pathway towards making choices based upon what you need NOW - as opposed to what you wanted when you started out.