gretchen2
01-04-2011, 01:10 PM
I generally do not start threads or post, because by reading what all of you have written down about your trials, tribulations and SUCCESSES I become fulfilled with what I need to carry on with my own transition. Thank You, I just needed to say something today.
So I have noticed that within the last three to four months I have a melt down every three to four weeks. It is clearly the hormones that I am taking to manipulate my body and mind into becoming a woman, or as close as I possibly can get. Which strangely enough did not happen the first four to five months prior to these meltdowns. It is clear now that I am going through my second puberty. I kind of forgot how hard it was the first time, now going through it the second time I think it might be even harder than the first. The first time I could hide who I really was, this time around there is no hiding and I appear to be wearing my heart on my shirt sleeve (bad idea). I remember the first time how disappointed I was when my voice changed, now I am trying to change it back to the way it was before my first puberty, along with everything else. Throughout the weeks when times are good I can ignore the negative stares and the occasional verbal slip-ups that people have towards me, but I can only do it for so long. Depending on the severity of slip-ups and stares during my happy period will largely dictate how bad my melt down will be. I will probably never really fit into any woman’s group. I will always be an outsider with an in, I will always be just a Trans-woman, not a woman. during these times I do not know if I have the strength to go on. I know I can not go back, I can either go forward, or stop? Stopping is a poor solution, it pains me deeply to think about stopping. I have to remain strong and hope for the best and expect the worse. That sounds almost fatalistic but that is where I am right now. My financial problems are not helping during this time either. All I want to do is move forward, but with no money the problem areas on my body remain the same. The inside does not match the outside, I desperately need work. I’ve cried more in the last four months than I have in my whole entire life. It really makes me wonder how many of us take our own lives in the early stages of transition? I wish this road had fewer bumps, A freshly paved Highway would be really cool.
So I have noticed that within the last three to four months I have a melt down every three to four weeks. It is clearly the hormones that I am taking to manipulate my body and mind into becoming a woman, or as close as I possibly can get. Which strangely enough did not happen the first four to five months prior to these meltdowns. It is clear now that I am going through my second puberty. I kind of forgot how hard it was the first time, now going through it the second time I think it might be even harder than the first. The first time I could hide who I really was, this time around there is no hiding and I appear to be wearing my heart on my shirt sleeve (bad idea). I remember the first time how disappointed I was when my voice changed, now I am trying to change it back to the way it was before my first puberty, along with everything else. Throughout the weeks when times are good I can ignore the negative stares and the occasional verbal slip-ups that people have towards me, but I can only do it for so long. Depending on the severity of slip-ups and stares during my happy period will largely dictate how bad my melt down will be. I will probably never really fit into any woman’s group. I will always be an outsider with an in, I will always be just a Trans-woman, not a woman. during these times I do not know if I have the strength to go on. I know I can not go back, I can either go forward, or stop? Stopping is a poor solution, it pains me deeply to think about stopping. I have to remain strong and hope for the best and expect the worse. That sounds almost fatalistic but that is where I am right now. My financial problems are not helping during this time either. All I want to do is move forward, but with no money the problem areas on my body remain the same. The inside does not match the outside, I desperately need work. I’ve cried more in the last four months than I have in my whole entire life. It really makes me wonder how many of us take our own lives in the early stages of transition? I wish this road had fewer bumps, A freshly paved Highway would be really cool.