Crossdressing and lonelyness

[fluffy]

How do you all deal with the problem that when you hide a major part of your life, you can't really be open to your friends?

I mean, do you also feel a kind of distance because you couldn't easily have something like a pajama party with your regular friends or a movie night where you're just yourself.

I'm not really talking about partners and relationships now because that's been discussed a lot but please mention it too if you find it relevant.

[Daintre]

Fluffy, this is a question that comes up frequently. It is very hard to hide a portion of your life that means so much to you. Yes your SO can agree but what about friends? That is very hard to handle.

[prene]

Lucky I have a few friends. CD, gg and one gm who knows. It took a long time to come out.
A few years.

I did it like many here on Halloween I dressed.

I dressed well, a gg friend said I looked great and said I should try a different makeup. I said can you help me, she said sure. I dropped it and so did she until we went over the pics the next week.

Well she show me a few things....

It was lonely for me.
This site does help those days.

[thechic]

Originally i found this so hard the hiding a lying,the massive amount of stress that i was going through ,I started to become such and unhappy person.I just could not deal with it,I would go to friends places but not be happy as i was not really my true self,I would often worry about friends coming to visit as they might see me as i am at home.my sister intervened,I went to counciling,came out of the closet,and boy do i feel better,still small problems but nothing like they were.and you find out how are your true friends.

[Evildawn]

i havent told my friends yet,.. i dont think that i ever will sadly. i only have 1 friend that i actually hang out with. theres other people that i know and see on occasion when they hang out at the same friends house, other than that im pretty isolated in my own little world.

my friends once mentioned something about a guy they knew in school who now is a CD. they all had a great laugh at his expense. maybe i should of stood up for myself right there? i dont think i can though if the cost means being alone.

i know i dont make many friends because im afraid to be myself around people but i dont exactly live in a place where its easy to meet others like myself

[fluffy]

I went to a CD club once and I didn't feel like I belonged there either. It seemed more like a gay bar with a CD night theme once a week.

[Evildawn]

i dont think there are any CD clubs around here. maybe i havent looked hard enough though cuz we have a pretty major city not far away.

[Noel Chimes]

I have only come out to one person and he was and still is very supportive.:daydreaming: I can drop in and be myself most of the time. However, he recently became involved with someone and they don't understand and are not at all approving. The kick is that they are both male!!! :eek: I know it is a rough position to be in (wanting to be yourself and people not understanding). You can only lead a horse to the water but you can't make her drink it.

[Joanne f]

I can see how this will affect some of the younger and single one`s and it is or can be a very difficult choice to make ,be yourself or have friends , in some respects everyone needs friends yet one also needs to be themselves , i lost all my so called friends when they found out about me and it can be very difficult in life to cope with major things that happen when you have no one to turn to but (always that but) :heehee: you learn to get past that unlike being TG you can never get past it .
The world is changing and it has become more acceptable and if i were you i would take a chance and share a bit of you with some friends as choosing one or the other will not work forever.

[Kate Simmons]

No one is going to come to you if you hide your light under a bucket. When I decided to "come out" I basically lost my family and most of my friends. I made a bunch of new friends, including many in the LGBT communities. Most of them know me in both modes and have no problem being my friends one way or the other. People cannot be your friends if they don't know you are there.:)

[Amanda Stubbs]

Reading through the replies I seem to find myself in a minority. I have told my family and close friends and anyone who asks and recieved very little adverse reactions.
My family have always known, I've cd'd all my life. My children know, I often shop with my daughter, my son is ok about it. My friends have been fine and I've lost none of them. I'm also always meeting new TG friends and acquaintances. I live a very full life.
I'm a happy go lucky type of person and when approached with direct questions eg: "Is it true your a crossdresser ?" I reply, "Yes, I have a great time too ! You should try it !". I find many women love it, it's seems to make them feel your more approachable somehow. If you make light of it and laugh at the banter, people, I find, generally don't care.

[Angiemead12]

My friends and family know I CD but they seem to be very quiet about it, no signs of acknowledgment. Even though they know I feel distant still coz I cant seem to express my true self.

Im lucky my partner is very supportive, I get to share with her all my rants and raves.

[Jinx]

I know the feeling.

I lost most of my friends recently due to their lives changing, it happens, people move, new job, etc. What I noticed is the fewer friends I had the more I could be ME. I guess I have used friends as an excuse not to be myself.

I have known what a true friend is, it is nothing short of amazing, everyone needs a true friend. It just seems we surround ourselves with horible people and call them friends. Its like I have always found a way to justify my self dysphoria by keeping people in my life who would hate me if they knew. Luckily, circumstance caused me to lose alot of those people, I will NOT repeat this. Not going to do it.

I know my path is my own and others will see my choices and wish they could do it and I know some people will disagree with me, and that's ok. I just think (in my case) that I need to openly (as a guy) find better irl friends. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I know that I can't be "me" around the people I have known.

As I just found out, there are alot of people out there who feel the same as I do, they are just as scared as me, just as embarassed as me, and just as lost as me. It would be really neat if we (as a community) could have some small something to identify us to each other, but I know it won't work. Just a thought.

I am lonely too, Its my own fault though.

[Chari]

Great advice from previous posts! IMO, having gender problems is like being a secret spy. We continue to live double lives, try to keep emotions in check & attitude high, and are very cautious as to how much we tell others. Most of us have very few "good friends" who will understand, accept, listen, and we become afraid that those too will avoid us if we reveal our "secret". Be confident and comfortable in who you are, and always be the best you can be - no matter what packaging you are wearing! To have a friend, you must be a friend.

[NicoleScott]

My wife knows I cd, but she doesn't participate so it's pretty much Don't Ask Don't Tell, and that works for us.
There are other aspects of my life (besides cd-ing) that I am not completely open about, like any medical issues I have or my finances. If other people don't need to know things, why should I tell them? I don't live as a hermit in a cave, but rather I enjoy my privacy and keep things to myself that other people don't need to know. As to the original question "how do you deal with it?", each of us has to find a way. I suffer no guilt by keeping certain things private.

[Gaby2]

Fluffy's question gave me a shock - the replies are very comforting though.

I have always had lots of acquaintances and friends but somehow I've always been "lonely". This paradox has never seriously worried me - it's just one of those things that I don't need to understand. Perhaps I enjoy "loneliness" in a sort of strange way. Indeed my normal outgoing personality seems to want this undeniably darker feeling when nobody else is around.

Crossdressing was more problematic for me as I had always been afraid of it.
After moving into a place of my own a couple of years ago I started coming to terms with my crossdressing. Not all at once, but more and more. I now think that crossdressing (= the right to choose?) was probably the main reason for leaving a married-context that was exemplary for most people.

I struggled on alone in my new home.
I then joined the forum, and learned to speak a little about it.
I told a few people. The reactions were a kaleidoscope between acceptance and confusion. The ice was broken though and my sense of relief still overwhelms me.

I won't live under one roof with anybody in the foreseeable future. My SO accepts that which is very important for me.
I often have guests who regularly stay overnight. That includes my daughters and also colleagues.
My crossdressing remains hidden from them.

But I'm changing. I'm no longer embarrassed by the fact that I'm a crossdresser - but I've become more self-concious.
It's an interesting development because I now keep crossdressing to myself mainly because I want to look well when I tell someone.

The pressure is gone. I'm learning and taking my time. Nice and easy - not nearly often enough - and having some great fun.

That's mostly alone!
My friends, even my best friends, don't need to know everything about me.

Take care
Gaby

[the_me]

I've found over the past few years, a lot of my (so called) "best friends", ones I've had since as early as the third, have been getting on my nerves more and more. We've grown far too comfortable, and I'm apparently on the low end of the pole and get picked on quite a bit, especially when drinking. Although for the most part they are pretty nice people, interesting jobs, hobbies, lived with some of them for years even. However their noticeable intolerance of the gay community, and questionable tolerance of TG individuals and CD specifically, what I would once shrug off as "whatever, at least I don't think like that" is becoming somewhat unbearable to just keep shrugging off. Especially realizing I might fight into two categories they insult the most, gay/bi and CD. (If I say "I might", it probably means I am huh? Subject of another topic I suppose.)

That being the long, here's the short of it... yeah, I completely feel the distance you speak of fluffy. Being single, having "friends" like that, and just plain not knowing how anyone else will react is depressing and sometimes frightening. I debate every day I'm hanging around with them of just flat out telling them, and they can be damned if they don't like it and let me move on... but just sitting near them and thinking that terrifies me.

Only thing I can think of to do, and am about to begin over the next couple weekends, is at least get the courage up to mingle with the local TG community and with some luck make a few new friends.

I do sure wish that there were (a LOT) more people like everyone here around. It would be much less depressing than it is right now. Even just a supportive SO feels like just a fantasy right now.

[Kitty Sue]

Hi, great thread.
Loneliness can be an issue for me. Thankfully I do have several friends who are supportive of me, although there are none that I dress around. A couple of hours away there is the "Stonewall club" in Columbus, Ohio which has resources for LGBT people. I think location may often mean the difference between coming out in a supportive environment or not.

Loneliness can indeed be an issue, and I wish I could be more helpful to those of us who experience this emotion.

[Christy_M]

i can totally relate to tbe loneliness. I spent most if my life there. i have 1 true freind who I know would take a bullet for me and would be OK with Christy, too. I will never tell him because I don´t want him takibg a bulket for me.

I have met great people here and have gone out with them and felt safe and relaxed and accepted. i am truly blessed to know them. Time is the only measure of true friendsbip.. With mutual effort, I know it will blossom.

[docrobbysherry]

More alone since I began serious dressing. But, NEVER LONELY!

Between BEING ONLINE HERE, sewing, putting outfits together, taking and editing pics, and SHOPPING, when does a girl ever have time to be lonely?

[sherri]

DISCLAIMER: The following, highly condensed opinion does not apply to everyone or reflect everyone's experiences, but it does reflect a common experience.

After a decade of feminine expression, my recommendation is that unless you are prepared to come out of the closet fully and build a whole new life as a TG (which comes with its own set of problems), you better have things other than CDing in your life or you are going to experience a great deal of isolation and loneliness. If you become consumed with CDing to the exclusion of other interests and relationships, you are going to get lonely, perhaps to a degree that is unhealthy. There are two principle reasons: 1) our society just isn't ready for us yet, which limits us in all kinds of ways and makes it difficult to forge deep, meaningful relationships; and 2) we tend to invest time, resources and energy on CDing that would normally be spent on other activities, interests and people.

I might also add that venues like this forum are great, but as a rule, no amount of digital interaction can or should take the place of r/t interaction. In other words, we can forge online friendships that are real and beneficial, but they're not enough; we all need someone with some skin on, so to speak. We all need to love, and we need to be loved, and that is best done in person. To neglect love is to jeopardize our own well-being, and can damage other lives as well. It is vitally important to maintain some perspective.

[Loni]

lonely is a life style for some of us. maybe it could change, but i am not ready maybe never will be. to be "out" as loni full time, so non of my friends know, never at my job (i would be out of work with in the week). not company fired that is not legal, just problems with the other workers.
i am in a group in sac, but not in a "friend circle", so just go ever month or so.
i have lived all of my life alone, not many friends, live so far out of the way nobody knocks on my door. my job has me working weird long hrs so no body even knows when i am at home...not even my mom. i can go 30 hrs and only talk to some 10-12 people and this is at work. ( this past two days 40 hrs only talked to one person, waved at one other and i am at home) most of the time 80% i am alone. glad the ipod was invented.

Loni
.

Loni

.

[Cindi Johnson]

For better or worse, loneliness is part of the human condition. Depending upon your personality (which is not yours to choose), it may be unavoidable. Don't blame it entirely upon crossdressing. Plenty of non-TG's live very lonely lives. Males, in particular, tend towards loneliness far moreso than females.

In the media, TV and movies, nobody is ever lonely. Life is always exciting and interesting. But Hollywood is not reality.

If you're young, the normal "solution" to loneliness is to marry and have kids. And for the most part it works. Also, just keeping busy helps.

I suspect being more open about being TG may not appreciably change your loneliness, but it can make you a happier person, a more self-confident person. And that may in turn make you easier to like, which could ultimately decrease your loneliness.

Cindi

[suchacutie]

Only my wife knows. In all honesty, I don't have time to be lonely. I barely have enough time for life :)! Since my wife has been there from the beginning of Tina, she knows everything, and we talk about my dual-genderedness all the time. I just can't even imagine having to answer all the questions that would inevitably arise from allowing others to know about Tina. I'm 60 years old. I like my life. All of my friends know only different parts of me. I have no inherent need to share my every waking thought (ala facebook) to my friends. That's what I have a wife for! :) Tina is just one of those things that really doesn't need sharing. It could very well be that part of this lack of sharing need is because I am very happy with the male life I had for 55 years before Tina. Maybe 20 or 30 years from now Tina will naturally become a topic of conversation. Maybe after only 5 years of Tina's existence I don't know enough about Tina to involve her with my current friends. Maybe Tina needs her own set of friends. Since Tina's personality is so different from my masculine personality that my current friends wouldn't care for Tina anyway.

Anyway, no lonliness here so I'll just keep carrying on carrying on :)

tina

[Leanne2]

Loneliness is a way of life for me. I have no male friends; just acquaintances. I can't have any girl friends because that is considered inappropriate for a married man. My wife is my one and only friend but she hates that I am transgendered. I feel trapped and don't know how to get out. If I lived my life as woman then I would loose my only friend because she would divorce me. I am respected in our small town but that would end as well. Thank goodness for this forum. It's my lifeline. Leanne

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Never lonely because you always got your otherself for company. If you are male or female only then you maybe lonely as you have not got your otherself for company.

[Maria 60]

Something good may happen on the weekend with Maria, and Monday morning i go to work and i start telling the story and realize i can't tell this story, but i really want to tell it.

[Genivieve]

Wow, I feel exactly the same. In fact yesterday it hit me so hard I almost had a panic attack. I feel like a devious liar with 2 lives.

[juno]

Loneliness is because there is too much secrecy. I also don't get along that well with other regular men. CD friends are the best, but it is hard to meet them due to the secrecy and shame. Think how fun life would be if you had numerous local CD friends and got together on a regular basis. Actually, think how fun it would have been as a teenager to have girl fun with other trans girls. Instead, teens were a hard time for most of us.

[sherri]

personally I lost EVERYONE that ever mattered to me by being open about my "need" to be transgendered and cd. lost my job..all friends..noone in my family has anything to do with me..even my own sons stopped coming to visit me..so after many years living as a hermit and eventually ending up disabled due to depression and suicidal thoughts...Ive decided to forget anyone and all from my past and try and have a new life..I am taking all the changes as to being more feminine as a good thing in my life..allowing the real "me" to finally live...hopefully one day soon I will begin to make new accepting friends..I hope...I simply cant be who everyone eles wants me to be anymore..I felt for many years I had no identity of self..I am in constant pain and regrets of so much lost..but my only survival is to push ahead and be myself..I only wish I couldve spent my younger years with the changes already in place.and just avoided a wasted life as a man

That is a tragic story, one that would break my heart if it happened to me. You may never fully replace what you have lost, but I do believe and hope that you can forge a new life. You are right, I think, to count the cost, but it doesn't necessarily follow that your life is wasted. And I also believe it's a mistake to write people off forever. You don't know what the future holds, and people have a way of coming around eventually, if you're willing to leave a door open.

[sometimes_miss]

Though I've always been pretty much a loner anyway, since my divorce I've pretty much lived in isolation from the rest of the world when I'm not at work. I've broached the subject of crossdressing with my few friends, and haven't gotten any positive responses, so in the closet I stay. Some will say that those friends aren't worth having, but right now they're all I've got, as I haven't met anyone else so I'm not willing to break all ties and have absolutely no one to call should an emergency occur.

[Lucy_Bella]

To be honest,

I think I hide my Lonleyness through dressing?..I can only guess it's how I deal with it, I am not that much of a socialable person.. I really never have been, hard to explain but after I thought about a few post on this thread ,I thought to myself why else would I be doing this ( being lonley ) and the only answer I can come up with is because ..It how I choose to be..

I will have friends or family over every now and then but thats my limit and after I get my feel, my time is my time.. I feel I have gave enough of my life and even tho My children are all but out of my life they will never ever be anything but my life. But now that they have their own lives ,I can control and manage my time with them.. Friends..Well thats just it what are friends? havn't met a true friend yet..Sure I have friends but as far as friends go they are more into themselves and their families just as I am in mine...Only time a friend is a friend in deed is now a days one in need..

So yeah my dressing has more or less been a void for lonleyness ..If I didn't have my Daughter and Family living with me know who is to say JUST HOW LONLEY i REALLY AM..

[BiancaEstrella]

Hmmm...

I don't know how to approach this subject.

I don't feel lonely. In fact I'm generally socially capable.

Things are a bit different for Dani, though. Of my 1672 Facebook friends (I've managed to keep contact with people from all walks of life; there are some randoms in there, but 6 years of work, 15 years of school, and various extracurricular activities has loaned me lots of people I cherish), I've only felt comfortable to fully share Dani with 27 women and one CD. Of those, seven are local enough to me. The other 21 live elsewhere in the world. My Facebook friends know that Daniel cross-dressed during Halloween '08, but only those 28 can confirm that there's other motivation going on here.

Because of distance, Dani really only has seven close girl friends. Often she feels lonely and misunderstood, but is generally a happy, bubbly person and full of confidence from the neck down. While she wants more friends, she accepts that not everyone would be very accepting of her. It's a catch-22. I'm not alone (that's a different angle), but Dani certainly wishes she had more time to express herself.

[t-girlxsophie]

In the past before I met my wife,and told selected GG friends about my dressing,I always found myself on a downer with a few tears,especially after I had experiences such as CD weekends and trips with TG friends,hated the fact that i couldn't tell my friends about all the lovely times I had.Im afraid its the nature of what we do if we keep it secret from ppl

:hugs:Sophie

[naye]

A lot specially with my GF, I dont know if someday I would have the braveness to tell her.

[Melissa Rose]

I don't feel a need or desire to tell my friends and family from my male life. I don't feel there is a burden I need to release or that I have a secret I need to share. I have great friends (males, GGs, t-girls) as a girl so I have plenty of people to share my girl life with, and I'm totally out in the mainstream. I live a portion of my life as a woman and get treated accordingly. I suspect this makes it much easier for me not to feel and need to share and reveal my "secret". However, I understand others do not feel that way and I respect that. A few of my t-girl friends are that way.

[Derp]

I'm not lonely because at the very least my significant other knows (and still accepts me for who I am).

CDing is still quite taboo in our society today so it's best to not distance yourself from your friends. I know the old saying goes that they are truly your friends if they will accept you for who you are, but societal norms may force them to distance them from you.

But for me it may be different because its more of a hobby and a release rather than a complete yearning to be the other gender (I do get that every now and then though!)

[charlie]

As Jennie so stated, it is a real problem to partition off a part of ourselves that is so important to us. That said, most of my family and friends know nothing about my CD.

[Stacye Rose]

All I can add is my experience.The best thing I've ever done was to quit trying to hide part of who I am and leave my closet to my clothes and shoes. I have made new friends and strengthened some existing friendships both as my male self and as Stacye. Most of the people I know don't care if I show up as a male or as a female. Either way I am their friend, I just look different.

[Yolanda_Voils]

I have NO friends who know I CD

At one time there were two, one was my live-in g/f who supposedly supported me. She was pretty often buying me night gowns, panties, party dresses, shoes and makeup.

Then, BAM, all of a sudden I'm a f****** faggot, and many other hurtful words.
We have broken up and I'm sure she's outed me to many of her friends, some give me the sly smile that says "you're sick"

The other friend was a mgr at Wendys, she had a wife and enjoyed looking at my pictures of me dressed, I never went in there dressed as it's in my HOME town. She said that she could not believe that it was really me in the pics, a real compliment..
Anyway, on one visit to the Wendys I asked for her and one of the employees told me to come on back to her office.
She went off like a firecracker with a loose fuse,, talking LOUDLY that "I wasn't supposed to be behind the counter"

That's been 3 years and I haven't been back, we had visited in the lobby perhaps 5-6 times for her to see my pics.
On that day, I had just printed my very best pics and was excited to show her, she glanced at my hand with the obvious picture folder as she finished her rant.

Handled in a more cool manner, I DO understand rules, but ANYONE who makes a scene over such a minor infraction, is in my opinion unworthy of my trust. That word, "trust" is perhaps my pet peeve, or rather the most important factor in any relationship, friend, lover or relative.. Without it, there is nothing.

So now, as many of you, I have NO friends who know of my CD'ing and I find that difficult.

Yolanda