Facing up to the other side

[discoveringsophia]

I am almost giddy to report that my therapist is writing me a letter and giving a referral to an endocrinologist, which is a nearly 30-year-old dream come true. I live most days as a female. My beard is nearly gone after many, many laser treatments, which will soon be augmented by electrolysis. My wife is supportive and by my side, having even gone to my therapist with me for a joint session (heartily recommended to all of you with spouses of any flavor). Life is fantastic.

And then there is the other side of things.

In front of all of you who are considering transition, are in the midst of transition, and who have been through transition, I have to say this: I’m scared.

That isn’t something I read a lot on the boards, so I am concerned about voicing it, and yet there it is. This is scary. What is going on in my head looks something like this:

omgwhatifthehormonesworkomgdontworkomg
whatdoesitmeantoworkomg
omgandhowwilliknowomg
canipullbackomgomg
omgomg
omg

And much more of the same, so let me put this into English.

I am simultaneously worried that the hormones will not settle well in my body and worried that they will help settle my emotions, libido, etc in a way that I have never felt.

I am simultaneously worried that the hormones will have no impact on my breasts and worried that my genetic predisposition will create rapid and highly visible breast growth.

Outside of hormones, I am worried about other things on the path.

Unlike some of you who were more than happy to jettison your old name (“how could my parents have ever named me Patrick / Julie / Jason / Mary / insert name here”), I have become somewhat attached to my name. My parents spent a great deal of time and love picking out that name, based on the societal and medical expectations they were given.

More fundamentally, will I feel like a fraud calling myself by my chosen name, when I have called myself by another name for over 40 years? I have never used a female name when out in public under the rationale that I am still me. I don’t assume a female persona; you just get a version of me that is allowed to express the woman within -- the woman very few people get to see. (This is probably a topic worthy of an entire thread, so I will run away while I still can.)

In an effort to tie all these fears up into a package, let me give you one more glimpse of the other side…

I regularly practice visualizations, which helps me deal with all sorts of complex situations in my work, family, etc. One of my most recent visualizations is a beach vacation.

My wife and I regularly go to the beach with friends from college. We love this couple and their daughter (who is my favorite and for whom I would move mountains). Naturally, they know me as a boy. They have been to the beach with me as a boy many times.

So my visualization is an attempt to see myself at the beach in the only bathing suit that has ever made me feel comfortable (a very modest two-piece tankini with a cute skirt on the bottom -- I hate taking off my shirt in public; it feels wrong). I play in the surf with their daughter. The husband wades out into the waves with me. We laugh and reminisce.

Can I believe that he calls me by my new name without irony, without sarcasm, without hesitation?

I nearly cry thinking about it. It makes me so happy in a way that I have not been in years.

I am so incredibly scared… and ready to see what tomorrow brings.

[StaceyJane]

It's okay to have a bunch of different emotions.
You're lucky to have your wife by your side on this journey.

Everything will be okay. Enjoy the adventure :)

[JohnH]

I just want to make sure I read it right - the husband calls you by your new name as only a visualization and something that has not actually taken place.

One possibility for a feminine name would be to choose a close variation of your masculine name.

For example, my masculine name is John. A very close feminine variation I use on this forum is Johanna, and that would be the name I would use if I were to transition. That way I would not feel that I was really jettisoning my original name; I would simply be adapting it to a change of circumstances.

Like you I do not like to take my shirt off in public. My breasts are too big. I'm not on hormone therapy; breast development in men runs in my family.

Johanna

[Melody Moore]

Sophia,

Being scared and nervous about actually taking hormones is natural because this is crunch time. Just deal with
things one step at a time. This is the time to see if hormones are the right thing for you. I knew hormones were
right for me after about a week after I started taking them because of how I felt. I found that I had this inner
peace & calm like I have never felt before. This to me is something I consider very valuable and important, so
I am willing to make other sacrifices in order to keep that main benefit that hormone therapy has given to me.

Don't worry about the hormones not working, because they will ok? Things will change, the first real signs
start to appear after about 6 weeks with soreness of the breast & as your body hair & skin starts to change.

As for breast growth, don't even think too much about that, it will happen at it's own pace & however it is meant to. I am very
pleased at my rate of breast development so there are no insecurities there. Hopefully yours will be a similar story later on.

As for sex, I still have a libido, but I would describe it as a female libido and not a male libido. There has to be
an emotional connection, without it, I cannot get turned on by someone I don't feel is special to me. Sex just
isn't so important to me now. Sexually I am most aroused when I am touched & caressed by my partner just
like any other female & get really turned on & orgasm but the good part is, it is without all the sticky mess. LOL

As for assuming a female persona. I don't believe a transsexual does that, we just express who we truly are by
being ourselves and letting that other side of us come right out. People like us can't help but pick up & adopt the
feminine mannerisms when we do start living full-time & by also associating with other natal females. I am good
friends with my girlfriend and we do still get together every now & again, but we live apart now. but her influences
are helping me. We do stuff that any other two girls would do together. Everything I do in my life 24/7 as female
just comes naturally now & without even thinking about it. I don't see anything I am doing that is as a male.

You are very lucky since your partner is also so supportive and her support & influence will be good for you,
so everything should just happen naturally for you. I think in time it becomes harder for others to see you
as anything but a female if you allow that side of you to grow. Other who knew me as a male now address
me as a female. I changed my name and it does take getting use to, especially for those who knew you as
someone else. Now it's up to you what name you use. If you are happy to be called by your male name, fine.
but for me, it never felt right. The name I chose I like & not because someone else liked it & decided it for me.
So I don't feel like a fraud for changing my name. It is who I am and how I want to be addressed from now on.

It's good that you take the time to try & visualise aspects of your life, but to draw your own conclusion just based
around what you believe could be seriously flawed. Here is what I found. Some of those who knew me as a male
and seen me transition have a very difficult time now seeing the male in me that was there before and the reason
I know this is happening is by the fact they call me by my new name & also refer to me now in my proper gender.

I don't think that people who care about you will refer to you with irony & sarcasm, hesitation yes, because some
times they have to stop and remind themselves of your new identity, but they do get use to it. My girlfriend never
refers to me by my old name or gender. Its always 'she' or 'her' when I have heard her talking to others about me.
So I believe that others will eventually get use to it and find it easier and more comfortable to address you as who
you are. But like I said if using your male name is fine with you, go for it.

Friends can also feel really awkward if they slip up because they do see you as a female - so it could also be awkward
for them to call you by a male name when you present as a female. I had to laugh when I found out recently that one
of my friends was going out of his way to avoid me for fear of doing this to me. I told him it was OK, I could handle it. LOL

[discoveringsophia]

Thanks everyone for your replies. One of the things that has given me significant emotional support has been a small statement by my wife. Looking at me getting dressed one recent morning, she said, "When I look at you, I don't see a boy anymore; I see a girl."

That definitely matches up with what Melody says above, so I hope that others see it too.

Thanks for "listening" to me fret.

[Melody Moore]

Thanks everyone for your replies. One of the things that has given me significant emotional support has been a small statement by my wife. Looking at me getting dressed one recent morning, she said, "When I look at you, I don't see a boy anymore; I see a girl."
You are welcome Sophie.

The bottom-line is hun, just 'be' who you really are and everything else will eventually fall into place.
Goodluck with it all, and cannot wait to hear how things are gong through your hormone therapy. :hugs:

[Billijo49504]

One thing you can really be thankful for, you are doing it the right way, with a doctor. That's the safest way...BJ

[Rianna Humble]

In front of all of you who are considering transition, are in the midst of transition, and who have been through transition, I have to say this: I’m scared.

That isn’t something I read a lot on the boards, so I am concerned about voicing it, and yet there it is.

Thank you for having the courage to say that :hugs:

Sometimes we don't put it in so many words, but I believe we all get scared about what is happening in my life. I'm pretty sure that is what was going on in my head when I had that "who am I kidding?" feeling a few weeks ago.

I might put on a brave front, but I'd be worried if I didn't feel scared about the changes in my life. This is a big thing to be happening.

I'm really glad you have such a supportive wife, and please don't forget you also have us as your extended family. We care about you.

[Katesback]

Thinking ya need a Jack and Coke. Make it a double. Really I think you are thinking about the whole thing WAY too much.

I recently got new skates (I play roller derby) and I went out the first day I had them into a scrimage game. Prior to the game I was really scarred on them and messing up a lot. A few minnutes later I am playing the scrimage game and had no time to think about the new skates. Guess what happened? They felt great. I was not thinking about them.

Thats my story and I am sticking to it.

Katie

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I will call you Sophia based on you screen name, We sometimes think too much about what will happen when we go on to transition. We think how our relationships will change, how work will change and how we will change. We sometimes feel fear over that because we have much to lose. Problem is when we think too much about the fears, over what we may lose, we paralyze ourselves and nothing happens. When we finally get the courage to go forward and take that first step we are so fearful of what will happen others sense that fear and pounce on us.

My suggestion is just be yourself, feel comfortable with yourself and who you are. As far as your name there isn't any shame in changing to a female name. My name is based on women I knew decades ago, my two children were named after two of my friends I knew years ago. When I took my name Kimberly Marie Kelly (previously Michael Herbert Kelly) I had no shame in changing the name I was given by my mom. I feel more like myself with my name of Kimberly Marie and I'm proud of my chosen name.

I was afraid at first deciding to transition, but I knew it was right for me, I took a step of faith coming out as me and God has rewarded me with such an abundant life as Kimberly Marie Kelly. God does not think of us as abominations, we are not doing something sinful. We are simply being us, who were created this way and God's loves all you come to him. The churches with their interpretations of scripture is who condemns, not God. My coming out began with the simple knowledge that God Loves "ME"

Don't thinketh too much on the issues, just decide to be you and accept who you are. Kimberly Marie Kelly:)

[Stephenie S]

Thinking about transition? Your biggest worry is your NAME?

Dear, you have some distance to go, I think.

S

[Traci Elizabeth]

I agree with Kimberly, most gals "thinket" TOO much! Just let it happen naturally and take it one step at a time. I think you will find that in the end all your worries and stress was for not!

[discoveringsophia]

Thanks to everyone else who read the entire post and replied with sensitivity.

[Hope]

You sound healthy and normal.

If you weren't worried, it would be a sign that you haven't really thought about it or don't understand what you are considering.