Confused

[greenleaf]

This is quite a complicated storey but I’ll try to shorten the years into a short story as I would like an opinion, please ask questions if you need.... So, I've been married to my wife for 12 years. We have 2 kids, 9 and 7 and are all happy. I told my wife about 8ish years ago that I cross dress, she was shocked of course but life went on. I digress for a moment now to tell you about before we were married… We both lived in Germany for a while I was working there (my company paid for both of us to move back then, boom times I guess) and 1 night during that time she asked if she could put makeup on me. I agreed, and she started with lip liner and then did eyes and after a little we had sex. We had a fight one night a little after and she left the country for a while then I moved to the UK. After a while she moved over and we never spoke of that again. We got married in after 2 years in the UK. Then we moved to the country where we now live and soon after our first was born. Two years later our second, I think it was just before that that I told her that I like to cross dress. She was shocked and I think she was trying to work out if I was gay, which I am most definitely not. So years went on and every now and again she said I looked beautiful at weird times. I couldn’t work it out. One time she let me choose between 3 lipsticks but nothing else was said, it was like it didn’t happen. I thought that she was some how saying that she was ok with it. Time goes by. One day we had a fight and I left the house. I told her via txt (finally I had courage) that I wanted us to dress together, before that it’s was never spoken of. She replied back in a txt that that was my thing and she's not into it and that I need to stop. So I thought that was it. I told her that I wouldn’t do it and purged. Then after a while she started mentioning that I should get a pierce in my ear. I always didn’t say anything because I thought she was testing me. But she would bring it up from time to time over 2 years, always a wouldn’t say much. Then on my birthday one year by surprise she took me to a chemist to get it done. Now just this Christmas she bought be a necklace, kind of a gangster rapper one, and a hoop kind of ear ring. But she still hasn’t said anything about the cross dressing and I still get the impression that it’s not what she wants. All during this time she would know when I spent time at night to dress. Normally she would have a shower and then come out to lounge. I would then go into our room, lock the door so the kids wouldn’t come in, and dress but not fully, just a bra maybe and lipstick. She knows I use her lip stick and started hiding the best stuff but would leave the not so good stuff in places that I would find. I probably should say that my wife is very beautiful and always wears makeup every day. I like the heavy kind of feeling from lipstick etc and that’s the stuff she uses also and also hides, so I only get the light stuff that I don’t think she wants.
So my question is... What the f**k is going on! Is she just being tolerant? What do you think? I would very much appreciate a thoughtful response. And thanks for taking the time to read this.

[audreyinalbany]

I'm somewhat familiar with the problem of getting mixed signals about my crossdressing from my wife. Her reactions vary from tears to good natured teasing about it.
You're asking the wrong people about what's going on. You need to talk with her, as painful and frightening as that may be. Have somebody watch the kids for the night and the two of you sit down and talk. It may very well be that 'it's not her thing,' in which case you need to know. That doesn't mean you need to stop, just negotiate boundaries that you can both live with.

[greenleaf]

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. May I ask where your from?

[Allsteamedup]

Dear Greenleaf,
So what don't you understand?!!! She's a woman, like me, the wife of a crossdresser. I don't see anything odd in her behaviour. Save yourself some time, and read the stickies, about coming out to a partner, and why sometimes she approves and sometimes not. Be fair, you haven't really come out to her at all. You haven't discussed what this means to each of you and how you will continue with your children about (try a cd'ers group).
Read the stickies, have the chat and come back if you need to.
PS. What did you buy her for Christmas.....?

[Chari]

First let me welcome you to this very friendly forum! IMO it appears that your wife is still testing you as to how far you will go with your "dressing up". It is obvious she has strong emotional feelings for you but may have a difficult time trying to communicate her desires to you. Consider taking some "private time" just for the two of you, away from business, kids, and other distractions. Calmly open up to her, explaining your desires/needs, and how you really feel about your femme side. Try to get her involved, as she can become a vital helpful part of your dressing to become more femme looking, acting, etc. If she rejects all of your feminine side, you will have to go it alone. Many of us have for years exisited with only the encouragement of forums like this or truly understanding/accepting friends. You can do it too!

[greenleaf]

I just re-read my post and got all the errors.
I dont understand the mixed messages that I get.
I bought her some perfume and an Ipod nano, why is that relevant?

Thanks Chari, Thats the first thoughtfull answer I've had. Even though I read you're answer its harder said than done....

All steamed up, why are you all steamed UP?

[Roberta Marie]

I have to agree with the others. The person that you need to ask these questions is your wife. It seems like right now the two of you are playing this cat and mouse game, dancing around the subject, and trying to figure out what the other is thinking. But the only way to find out what each other is thinking is to talk about it. And more importantly, you need to listen to each other. Ask her how she feel about your crossdressing, and then listen to her answer. That's the only way that you will know if she's been "testing" you, if she's tolerant, or if, in her way, she's been trying to support you. From what you say, it sounds like she is just as confused about what you are feeling as you are about what she is feeling. But the only people that can end that confusion are the two of you, by talking about it.

Grace,

Bobbi

PS. You might also try, rather than using her lipstick, get some of your own. Just the fact that you are using her's, and making her hide some of it, might be getting her angry. It's the little things that we sometimes do, things that we think are harmless, that can just bug the crap out of our spouses.

[kitchenette]

Dear Greenleaf, I'm sorry for your marital troubles. It feels awful when the person you are closest to is at times so far away. My SO is a CDer and we've had our ups and downs but I'm mostly accepting. I do get really scared at times, despite being rationally and intuitively understanding, every now and then I just get panicky. I try not to, but it's hard. I think part of that issue stems from my SO's own struggle for self-acceptance. Sometimes, our mutual confusion can send us off on a bit of a downward spiral. Right now, we're in a good place with it.

I would look through some of the "coming out to your partner" threads, as others have mentioned. Honestly, if my husband sent me a "coming out" text (that seems to have been spurred by a fight) I would be scared and upset. You may feel angry at times, about not feeling you are allowed to dress, but you must bear some of the weight of that yourself, for not opening up a true dialog. If you want to dress, the ball is in your court, you should reach out to her in a loving, kind way and pour your heart out. As allsteamedup pointed out, she is probably full of questions and has no idea what your desire to dress really means. Enlighten her. You can think she has given you "mixed" messages but actually, I would say she has given you some positive cues that she's not completely against it. Maybe with a little more information and hand-holding, she might be more open. Good luck!

[Karren H]

Personally I think she loves you and signed up for a husband not a girlfriend but is willing to let you dress as long as she isn't involved... My wife is similar but she has not bought me anything.. Mine has hidden all her makeup too... Like I'd use her junk anyway! Lol. But I would go buy your own makeup... Sharing is not hygenic! So if your looking for a recommendation. Don't push her too hard else she will snap back and go 180 degrees the wrong way... Don't let her forget you dress... But just don flaunt it in her face.. Imhoi.

[Sandra]

I think you should be sitting down with her and talking to her about it all.

[Ann Thomas]

greenleaf, there's plenty of good advice in the answers above and I think I'll be reading more of this and the stickies too, as I've had some troubles with my wife as well. But, there's one aspect not mentioned (maybe it's in the stickies referenced). That aspect is I have to wonder if your wife is anything like mine in that she feels threatened by your femininity. For my wife it's because she doesn't feel feminine enough herself, and views my femininity as competition. Of course I don't see myself as competing with her, but rather I see myself as simply fulfilling my desire to be true to myself. My wife also has had her ups and downs and sends me mixed signals, too. But we've talked quite a bit of the years and established a few boundaries and I try to remember them and stay within them as much as I can to avoid conflict.

Hugs,
Ann

[JulieC]

Greenleaf, I think you're reading too much into her actions. Some women just want their men to get their ears (or one) pierced. It's very common. Ear piercings have long been accepted for men in western society now, and it doesn't mean she's saying she wants you to crossdress. Even a hoop earring doesn't mean anything. Now if she got you a very feminine dangly earring, that might be different. Same goes for the necklace. You're just reading too much into it in my opinion.

She knows you crossdress. She wants you to stop, but she probably realizes at this point that you're not going to stop. What I see is detente; there's a don't ask, don't tell policy in place. I don't see that she's making overtures to you to open the door more.

Also, STOP using her lipstick. Get your own. Using your spouse's stuff without her permission is very, very bad form. Many women are actively angered by this. There's a reason she's hiding her good stuff. SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU USING HER STUFF. Her leaving out the cheap stuff isn't a sign she wants you using it. If you're wearing her clothes, stop. Go get your own stuff.

Many crossdressers, if not most,want more acceptance from their wives, regardless of how much acceptance they currently have. You have the luxury of having a wife who KNOWS you crossdress, and hasn't left you. There are many here who can tell you of wives who left. Be content that she knows, and be content that she hasn't left over it. I wouldn't try to rock the boat at all, at least not until the kids are out on their own. Take solace in the knowledge that at least with her knowing, any accidental discoveries by her (like finding a pair of panties that don't belong to her) are not going to result in the sky falling down on your head.