kinda confused

[dominated]

I'm not sure how to start this. I am happily married and wife has known about my CD'ing side for 9 years now. I dress mostly when she is not around, not sure if it's b/c I'm embarrased to be dressed around her or if it's cause she's not completely comfy with me doing it.
Here's my confusion situation. When i am dressed I from time to time enjoy a little bit a pleasure, and here in the past couple months I have been with a man while dressed, about 3 time's "same guy each time" and have really enjoyed it. I don't do this while in male mode, but only in girl mode. Does this make me Bi? or what? In my life I have wished so many times to be an actual woman mostly b/c woman are so beautiful, but never acted upon this. I am so confussed now after my 3 encounter's that I am so unsure of what to do!!! Anyone else been in this perdicerment that could add some advice or input??? If so it would be very helpfull

[Karren H]

Imho, if you have sex with a male it makes you bi no mater how your dressed and if your wife doesn't know and or approve I'm thinkin that it also makes you unfaithful?

[dennisGTS]

Imho, if you have sex with a male it makes you bi no mater how your dressed and if your wife doesn't know and or approve I'm thinkin that it also makes you unfaithful?

Totally agree with Karren. ...including the unfaithful part.

[cindym5_04]

I'm in agreement here too- bi and unfaithful.

[dominated]

Here's the thing after those instances I wouldn't dress for some reason. But the truth is I enjoyed it but not going to do it again, mostly b/c of the guilty conscience, and the fact that I don't want to ruin my marriage..

[kimdl93]

Don't do it again.

[Stephanie47]

You owe it to your wife to have a blood test to check for STD's and HIV. You know you were unfaithful, if you did not have the explicit approval to carry on another relationship. And, yes I agree with the others that you are bisexual. I believe I've read several times that even under hypnosis a person would not do anything against their moral code.

[Lorileah]

You want to be a woman because they are beautiful. So that would be IMHO a fantasy. Like you want to be a race car driver because they go fast. Not because you were born to be a great driver....just because what you see makes you think their life is so cool. You use dressing as an escape (many people here do that for many different reasons). Part of your escape is that it allows you to play out a bisexual fantasy (see above...you are bisexual, you just use dressing to allow you to participate). Now you feel guilty. Welcome back to reality.

Moral judgments aside, you have to work this out first with you then your spouse. You have to decide what is important and what is something you do because you want to. Hey, playing pinball all night long in a penny arcade is fun but it really isn't something that is good for your relationship. Sex is fun, usually sex is enjoyable. But you have made a conscious decision to break what you believe are the boundaries (otherwise you would not feel guilty). Those guilt feeling may subside but they don't go away. You want validation? You need to start with yourself and then your spouse. Maybe she will validate your desires (I know a few who have) and then you can explore your fantasy more. I would not bet on it though.

You asked for the opinion of someone who has been where you are. Most here won't admit it. I was a lucky one. My wife knew about my TG tendencies and we discussed bisexual urges. She did not deny me anything. Maybe it is just me, but that in itself probably kept me from acting out. Call it forbidden fruit. The same thing happened when I was a teenager. My parents told me I could drink all the alcohol I wanted as long as I stayed at home and didn't go anywhere (it was a different time folks so don't start with the child abuse and social services stuff ok?) and thus I never had the desire to go out and get plastered.

You like the danger now, the feeling of being a rebel, walking the thin edge. Soon those desires will become boring and you will start looking for more. That guy who you promised to never see again? He is looking pretty good already isn't he? And what is next? You have been safe up until now but hey, he's a good guy and he is clean and...well you know.

You have to fight the guilt you feel by yourself for now. I would, if it was me and my spouse, discuss your feelings (if you don't bring up the affair right now, we won't blame you) and see if there is some sort of way you can involve your spouse in your desires so you won't feel the need to play in the street.

Guilt can be a powerful emotion. It can consume you. Even if the guilt is from something most people would feel is a minor issue, not bringing flowers more often, not holding her more. They can keep you from enjoying life later on.

[Sandra]

If your wife doesn't know or approve of this then I'm sorry but in my book you doesn't deserve her...you are being nothing but unfaithful, not to mention the health risks that you are putting yourself and her at.....and then people don't understand why SOs get so annoyed and don't want to accept/tolerate the cding :Angry3: :Angry3: :Angry3:

[MichelleP]

Like the others have said, as far as sexual orientation goes - you've demonstrated on more than one occassion that you are bi. As far as gender identification goes you are at least a CD. As far as your marraige goes, you are being unfaithful and you are putting your wife unfairly at risk.

[happy2cd]

I agree with the others and would suggest that you try to dress and be with your wife. You might find that you can get a thrill from her while dressed also. I would have suggested doing this before doing it with a guy since she would probably have been inclined to try it to keep you from acting on the urge to try it with a guy. For now I wouldn't be surprised if she just showed you the door and threw all your clothes at your backside as leave.

[Pinky188]

Thats just not right!! Im sorry but your cheating on your wife with a man. She does not deserve that. You are bi and unfaithful. Get a blood test. My heart goes out to your poor wife!!

[Stephanie Miller]

You know the game Russian Roulette? Where you put one bullet in the cylinder - give it a spin, hold it to your head and pull the trigger. All the while with the hopes the cylinder it stopped spinning on was empty? You're doing the same thing except holding the gun to your wife's head as well.
Well to me it's one thing to play R.R. by yourself, but to drag your wife into it -especially without her knowledge- is not just wrong but also immoral. You owe it to her to get tested and end the marriage with her if you want to continue being "confused".
Color me wrong, but I just don't get this type activity :brolleyes:

[t-girlxsophie]

You go with a guy,then unless they have moved the goalposts your Bi.That aint the biggest issue think of your poor wife and STOP god sake you must know thats the right thing to do

[Shelly Preston]

I think the first thing you need to do is stop and look at your situation.

You need to make sure you have not caught anything or passed to your wife either. Although given the fact you MUST to tell her to get tested your marriage may well be over

Once that is sorted out you can then consider where you are on the gender spectrum. Are you planning to change sex or not.

You have a lot of things to consider and none of them easy.

[Lorileah]

Harsh crowd here. Angels everyone I see. Ok Dominated gets the point, bad bad Dom.

Now I have a question. Everyone is jumping on the fact that Dominated has had encounters with a male and needs testing. Kind of one sided you do realize you can get STD's from females also right? I know no one meant to be prejudiced on this but it comes off that way. Now back to stoning Dominated

[Marissa]

Harsh crowd here. Angels everyone I see. Ok Dominated gets the point, bad bad Dom.

Now I have a question. Everyone is jumping on the fact that Dominated has had encounters with a male and needs testing. Kind of one sided you do realize you can get STD's from females also right? I know no one meant to be prejudiced on this but it comes off that way. Now back to stoning Dominated

Lori, I was just thinking the same as I read each post :) Course, that "Angels everyone I see" was mainly getting to me... She (he) without sin, throw the first boulder.. ;)

To answer the question at hand, you are "Bi Bi Miss American Pie" :)

[Michael]

Hm, I think the moral issue is obvious, and Dominated knows full well whether or not what he does is right or wrong with regards to his wife.

As for all the talk about STD's and HIV and getting tested and go get your wife tested...
I'm a bit confused:
Dominated has not indicated that he engaged in unsafe sex.
He would have to elaborate on what he actually did for me to have an idea of whether he has risked his or his wife's health.

[Stephanie Miller]

I am not naive enough to think I would be anywhere close to "angel" status Lorileah, but I have not knowingly put my wife - or any other person in jeopardy of their life because of my "lifestyle". (My cooking doesn't count, does it? :doh:).
And protected is a relative term Michael. Here is what the F.D.A. states in a common brochure:
There's no absolute guarantee even when you use a condom. But most experts believe that the risk of getting HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases can be greatly reduced if a condom is used properly. In other words, sex with condoms isn't totally "safe sex," but it is "less risky" sex.

Again.. which chamber has the bullet?

[Michael]

Eh, he didn't say that he had sex...
Maybe they just touched each other.
Did his partner even orgasm?
If he did, was Dominated even exposed to the fluids?

This is the point, he didn't specify at all what he did.

I understand that many people have reactions like yours that are more emotional than logical, but it makes me bristle on an intellectual level;
you're assuming things about Dominated for which there is no information to actually support it.
And you do the same thing with what I said: I was not saying that I thought Dominated was safe if he had sex with a condom, I was really saying that he has not actually stated that he had sex at all.

[Melissa Rose]

You are male and had sex with a male. You found it pleasurable and have desires to do it again. Regardless of the gender you are presenting at time, you are bi.

How you are conducting yourself within your marriage is your business. IMHO, it is not my place to judge, determine whether it is right or wrong, or tell you want to do. While I have an opinion on it, it is my opinion. You know your relationship with your wife better than I do, and only you and her can decide whether your conduct is acceptable.

BTW, if you are having unsafe sex, stop it immediately. It has to be safe sex - there is no other way. Be sane, be safe and be smart. More than your own health and life is at stake. That one is perfectly clear and there must be absolutely no confusion about it.

[MsJanessa]

You are truely at a crossroads here---on the one hand you enjoy sex with men while dressed as a woman--and yes that would define you as bi--and you feel guilty because you are doing it behind your wife's back and without her consent---obviously not a good thing but your not the evil monster that some here would portray you---it's an awfully large club that you belong to and as long as you engage in safe sex and don't put your self or your wife in danger of catching an STD, its your business what you do---but you obviously feel guilty about it--most people who have extra marital affairs do---the question is what to do now?

You mentioned that your wife doesn't feel comfortable with your CDing---does that mean she knows about it but doesn't want anything to do with it? In that case your choice is to stop CDing and deal with that. Not the easiest thing to do. Or you could CD behind her back, but it sounds like when you do the urge to have sex with men is overwhelming you---do you think you could dress and not go with guys? Do you think that your wife might be won over to your CDing and become a willing participant in it?

If the answer to both those questions is No then you have a third choice and that is to end the marriage---whether you do that or not depends on a number of things, not the least of which is if you have children? If so you might want to stay in it for their sake(many do) but if not you should sit down and take a good honest look at why you are staying in a marriage where you feel compelled to stray outside it--the answer may be that you married the wrong person and so did your wife---and the kind and smart thing would be to end it now.

The point I'm trying to make is that if you keep on doing what you are doing, you will be miserable---you don't seem like the type who can cheat and not feel guilty about it. And you also would be miserable giving up CDing. The choice is yours Good luck on whichever path you take.

[Stephanie Miller]

I understand the tact your taking Michael, and I can appreciate your coming to the defense of Dominated. I also understand, as an example, when a person walks into a bank -with no weapon seen, but the suspect alludes to being armed. If I was the teller I would not wait to see if the threat was real prior to giving away all the money.
Using your explanation on sex, then I have nowhere to go but to assume his romp with the male friend was no more than two friends sharing a beer - or "something"? But definatly not cheating.:eek:
Your right Michael - Dominated did not state any direct facts. So just call me skeptical.

[MsJanessa]

Nah---it seems like she's stating she had sex, of some kind, with the same guy three times---I doubt that she's talking about sharing a beer, playing golf, or bowling---but hey, if I'm wrong then I stand corrected. btw must be rough to bowl in stilletos

[SweetPea_GG]

If your wife doesn't know or approve of this then I'm sorry but in my book you doesn't deserve her...you are being nothing but unfaithful, not to mention the health risks that you are putting yourself and her at.....and then people don't understand why SOs get so annoyed and don't want to accept/tolerate the cding :Angry3: :Angry3: :Angry3:

100% agree with Sandra =/

[Michael]

I understand the tact your taking Michael, and I can appreciate your coming to the defense of Dominated. I also understand, as an example, when a person walks into a bank -with no weapon seen, but the suspect alludes to being armed. If I was the teller I would not wait to see if the threat was real prior to giving away all the money.
Using your explanation on sex, then I have nowhere to go but to assume his romp with the male friend was no more than two friends sharing a beer - or "something"? But definatly not cheating.:eek:
Your right Michael - Dominated did not state any direct facts. So just call me skeptical.

Gahhh hahaha, it's like you can't speak without doing it!
Nothing I have said has anything to do with me defending Dominated, lol.
And the fact that you admit that you are assuming is interesting, but I don't think you are really aware of how much assuming you are doing.

[t-girlxsophie]

Aye very good,so by saying we think its wrong to cheat on your wife were automatically assumed to be acting like angels,cant say thats ever been used to describe me.Call me old fashioned but not ever cheating on my wife doesnt make me an angel only a,loving and faithful spouse

:hugs:Sophie

[Stephanie Miller]

Your assumption is interesting Michael. You assume I am not aware of how much assuming I am doing. I assume you have some basis of fact in this?

It is true I can only take the information given to us by Dominated and make a (to me) reasonable assumption. Which I did.

You made the assumption that “Dominated knows full well whether or not what he does is right or wrong with regards to his wife.” If all my assumptions are correct and that statement by you is indeed true the I feel Dominated is a larger scumbag than I thought of at first. (my opinion)
The assumptions that your prior posts of your exploits in public are indeed true. We have no pictures or second person validation. ( Not that I really care – or doubt, just a point being made).
This forum is based on people and their words. Filled with facts, lies and assumptions. Discussions follow using one or all of these as their base. It is up to people like Dominated to clarify the facts if wrong assumptions are made, leave because they don’t care for the replies or any other action they choose.
(Dominated has loggged on since starting the thread - and has yet to reply.)
Even the Laws of Physics are dependent upon the assumptions, and any lack of attention to the assumptions.
Alas, I feel this thread is being highjacked by you and me going back and forth. Therefore I shall move on so others can continue with their comments and assumptions to, and about, Dominated. Bye :wave:

Euclid taught me that without assumptions there is no proof. Therefore, in any argument, examine the assumptions.
Eric Temple Bell (1883 - 1960)

[Christy_M]

Nah---it seems like she's stating she had sex, of some kind, with the same guy three times---I doubt that she's talking about sharing a beer, playing golf, or bowling---but hey, if I'm wrong then I stand corrected. btw must be rough to bowl in stilletos

I have looked high and low for stilleto bowling heels and have not yet found them. Maybe there is a market here for a whole bowling line of clothes and shoes tailored for the TG community. :)

I am guessing if we haven't scared the OP into never posting again, there will certainly be more torches and pitchforks after my post. Extra-marital affairs are personal and private (until the actions are posted in a public forum) and the adulterer either has the moral dilemma to care or not. Our opinions of whether this is right or wrong is just that, opinions. (I believe this is wrong, as well) but we can not as a group minimize the dilemma the OP finds herself. Having never desired a man, I cannot speak to the strength of need to fulfill those desires. I know I can speak to the need to desire a specific woman or a specific woman's look. Those are pretty hard desires to fight off especially when they are so readily available.

Now IMO the OP needs to determine what is most important to her. Is it being a good husband? Is it having the ability to dress whenever she wants? Is it having the ability to have sex whenever and with whomever she wants? Each of these will require a different course of action but it all starts with her. Either sit down with a counselor or someone else and work through those questions. Find where your heart wants to go and then follow it. It may hurt people around you, at least as much as the affair if not moreso if the decision is not to salvage the marriage. Unfortunately a lot of us have hurt people around us. Maybe not through being unfaithful but certainly by not living up to their expectations. A lot of us have felt shame and/or guilt for hurting those around us, not unlike how the OP expressed her guilt.

Morals are always a hard thing to expect others to live up to. Society usually refers to religious beliefs about these things but we have seen in this string where some say that being bi is OK but being unfaithful is not. The bible refers to sodomy and adultry with the same disdain. The feeling of the SO are important but that is a different issue than being bi or unfaithful. If you care about someone, you try not to do things that cause them pain or anguish. When you disregard the feeling of people IMO you have already decided that you don't care enough about them to make different decisions.

Whew...I am now going to put the soapbox away for the rest of the afternoon.

[Mackenzie]

Dominated, break it off! You married your wife and you need to stop living the fantasy of being a woman if it's going to wreck your marriage. Look ahead 5, 15, 30 years from now. If you keep this up and get divorced over your fetish, will you be glad about it?

Sorry to come with a blunt hammer, but if I was sitting down with you I would be more blunt. I say this because, though not knowing you or your wife, I care for you. My wife and I have done so much marital counselling over the years.

Marriage is not something to be trifled with , but to take your vows seriously. It seems that you want to be noticed as a woman and the man is fulfilling that, and your wife is not. Again, I think you are walking on very thin ice and it will only get thinner if you don't break it off.

Like Lucy in Peanuts, "25 cents please".

Mackenzie