What is your compromise with SO

[Christy_M]

For those of you with disapproving SOs, what is your compromise so you can express yourself and still keep the peace in your relationship? As some of you know, I have a deal with my wife that I can take two weeks out of every two months and come home all hours of the night 4 or 5 times and this gives me an opportunity to let Christy out of her cage and be free. The trouble is that for 6 weeks, I am unable to get all prettied up because I have a goatee and only have my drive times to be dressed.

As I read more and more here, I realize that there are many others who do not have wives that participate in their femme side and would rather not hear about it. For those who have wives who participate, while comments are appreciated, they can't help me understand how others are dealing with a similar situation to mine. Unless the hand of god pushes my wife into knowing Christy, it will never happen.

Please tell me about how you and your SO work through this.

Christy

[DebsUK]

I'm about to tackle this again with my SO. She doesn't know I'm back on the girly bus again, but I want to dress up properly tomorrow night for the first time in ages. I think she should be OK, but it's climbing up that entropy slope to broach the subject in the first instance that's holding me back at the moment, once I suggest some compromising. Watch this space....

[joyce483]

Compromise - As soon as my X-wife found out I am a Bi- Cder, she moved out the next day. I would consider anyone lucky that has a wife and she lets you get dressed once a year. Women want a man in the house!!

[Raychel]

Compromise - My wife knows about Raychel and didn't throw me out oif the house, So I guess that is good. She still prefers not to talk about my dressing. So I guess that is as close as I will get.

[ErickaJ]

So far every SO I have had claimed they were ok with my dressing. My rule before dressing full time was I tell everyone about it from day 1 so its out in the open and they know what they are getting into. At first all were cool with it, then the truth of what I do set in and became problematic. My only compromise is, take me for who I am completely or don't take me at all. So far it has made for a very long and lonely/single life. It may not be the best choice but its something I feel I need to do to not be changed by someone else's conditions.

[SuzanneBender]

My wife is not unapproving, but she isn't approving either. Unfortunately, I waited 15 years to come out to her which causes and entire separate set of issues. To make matters worse I didn't come out as a crossdresser I came out as a trans person that was already functioning in this big bad world as a female. The deceit, omissions and every question that comes along with coming out as transgender presented enormous challenges for us to overcome. Everyday is a fight for our marriage and finding a compromise is not easy.

We can not change who we are. Unfortunately, who we are hurts those that we love. Those little reminders that allow us to get by cause our wives so much pain. Which is better; hiding who we are behind the veil of masculinity or being truthful and risk loosing those that we love? My wife begs me to be honest with her, but on the other hand she tells me she doesn’t know where her breaking point is. Does a compromise exist? The worlds finest romance writers couldn’t craft a more difficult quandary of the heart.

We are trying to find ways that I can express who I am while still being the person my wife and children need me to be. Therapy has helped. Lots of nights in deep loving conversations have also helped,but we are still a long way off from finding our new normal. l

I wish I could give you a magic list of compromises, but one doesn't exist dear. This is discovery learning. Good luck you and your bride are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Karren H]

The unspoken deal is I keep it out of her face and don't flaunt overt femininity around her and she won't divorce me and take all the money! Lol

[StaceyJane]

My wife just doesn't want to see me as a woman. On the plus side she suggested that I put all my girl stuff in a spare bedrom we have. So now I have my own closet and place to put my stuff out of the way.
Since we work different schedules I have two days during the week that I can dress and go out while she is at work.

[Sarah Doepner]

My wife approves and supports my crossdressing, but is clear that the marriage and family are the highest priorities. Since she is the only one in the family who knows about my TG side, the understanding is I don't put my crossdressing above the needs of the family and don't share this with them until she thinks it's time to do so. Our kids are adults and don't live at home and even though her folks live nearby they generally don't just drop in. I know I may never come out to the family, but there are a lot of opportunities to meet my desire to dress and not interfere with those higher needs.

[Alice B]

My agreement with my wife has taken several years to resolve and has gotten better for me. At first it was keep it out of her face and only when she was not at home. Now it is still keep it out of her face, but I wear panties 7/24, nighties to bed, have painted toe nails and can go out dressed once in a while. I went out last night and had new heels in which I could not reach the strap to hook. I asked her to do it for me and she was very reluctant to do so. Once she had help she said they looked great on me and then immediately left the room. As she is ultra consertative this was a big step. She has now given me the green light to go to Diva Las Vegas. She still does not wish to participate or see me dressed, but there is progress. The key all along has been open and honest conversation and steady assurance that I love and appreciate her.

[Kiera79]

I look at it like this if she can't the wives can't accept this part of you then they are really not accepting YOU at all. I mean if you shush one side you are technically shushing the other. I am still am man when I dress as I know what and how to perform my tasks in that role, when dressed it is all the more fun. I agree tell that person asap when you meet so they know.

[ikthys]

I have only been married for one year, so I can't speak with much authority... I didn't share with her until a couple months in (mistake). She's totally unapproving. My approach has become one of respect for her needs, valid perspective, and real feelings. Instead of asserting "who I am" and demanding acceptance, I have been open to change and honest dialogue. So far this has led to great healing in my heart and in our relationship (and it has meant that I don't dress or indulge in the desire for it at all). If she ever came to the point where she would allow it, that would be up to her, but I'm not gonna hold out for that day. Instead I'm deciding to consider healing and change now. My best to you both.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I told my wife of 35 years about 15 years ago. The deal we have is that she doesn't want to see Lisa and I can understand that. She has been helpful over the years and we talk about clothes and such. She has purchased clothes for me and lets me borrow her car for my Lisa trips (my car is much too distinctive for Lisa to drive). I am allowed to dress on Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings while she is out of the house. My sons don't know, but they are grown and gone.

[kathie225]

We have established boundaries that evolved out of our conduct. So if I would want to wear a particular item, my wife would be silent or grumble a bit if it was acceptable to her, i.e., something she could live with. If not acceptable her protests made WWII look like a lawn party. Through this process it has become acceptable for me to wear panties all the time and femme wear to bed at night. Who knows if it will evolve beyond tht. I will not push the envelope. I am thankful for what I have.

[Kelly Blaine]

Very tolerant spouses.

[Blaire]

My wife understands the need, and is partially accepting. I wouldn't call it supportive, but she has surprised me on occasion. We'll talk about it when it comes up, but she won't bring it up herself.

As for her restrictions, living where I do, they're fairly easy to live by, since it's a quiet and indoor sport only. We have kids, and she doesn't want them to see; but at the same time, she's not insisting that I hide everything away. Eventually they'll figure out that she doesn't wear size 11. She doesn't mind that I pack for 2 when I travel. I have gone out and about with her knowledge, and she's surprised I do, but hasn't disallowed it, and probably won't. When I have my heart set on an outing, she helps by keeping the kids elsewhere while I get ready.

Most of our boundaries are self-imposed. The marital bed is off-limits for CD stuff, except in the most special of circumstances. I won't surprise her with a sudden appearance. No talk of any doctor's knives. Most importantly, she gets her guy time when she needs it. We have a good balance, and so far, it's working well for us.

[Teri Ray]

Kewl thread here. My wife learned that I was a crossdresser when she found pictures of me in our computer. She confronted me and I confessed my desires and how long I had been dressing. She of course was shocked and disapointed but after figuring out that I had been dressing for a long time and she liked me when she didnt know finally kicked in. Having my wife know I dress when she is away is so much better than believing I can pull off dressing and not leave clues behind.

[minalost]

Our compromise is that I get to dress up so long as I don't break any of her rules! Not in bed, not in front of her, not in public, not in front of the (grown) kids, and not "with" anyone else. Doesn't leave much time for dressing but I manage a few hours a month. I do manage to press the boundries a little though: I epilate my arms and legs, pluck my eye browns, and grow my nails long. She hasn't said I can't, so I do; but I know she notices. Next I'm going to try painting my toenails, and maybe getting my ears peirced. The former I might try and see if she says anything - if she doesn't like it, it's easy to fix. The latter is something that will have to be talked about ahead of time!

[Veronica Lacey]

My wife knew of my dressing within three months of meeting, we married five years later and have been together 16+ years in total.

She is tolerant and semi-understanding in that she says I may dress all I want when she is not home but not in her presence. Also, I spend only my own personal money not joint funds and do not wear her things. She does not wish to see what I own for a femme wardrobe and, therefore, thinks I only have a drawer or so of lingerie (I have considerably more.) Needless to say she will not help me shop nor discuss such things and shows no sign of changing her feelings in either direction.

All in all yes, I wish to store my wardrobe nicely and wear what I wish when I wish, maybe shop together, but accept that this is not likely to occur any time soon. I do not push for more and ensure that I am always there as her man and then some as that is what she wants in her life. She has accepted that dressing is my hobby and that I wish nothing more than to be a man who wears dresses in this regard.

I think I am very fortunate for this level of understanding. :)

[gwenbeth]

My wife knows im a crossdresser but she she is very unaccepting and unsupportive. So far she doesn't know about Gwen at all. And judging from comments she has made I know that she found out I was actually dressing, she would have a conniption. So i guess our compromise is "what she doesn't know can't hurt me". But this is not a long term solution. Eventually something will have to change

[Presh GG]

I don't know if this is from left field.

If I may ?

Is it possible to change that [ just tweek it a bit] to one week a month. Would this be easier on you ?
Maybe you wouldn't like this as well... IDK ? Maybe it would become more "normal" for her this way.?

Please don't shoot
Sincerely,
Presh GG

[cdinmd206]

My wife is fairly tolerant but then again I try not to shove it in her face. We go shopping together (both of us love thrift shops) and we have had a few weekend outings where I am completely dressed for the day. I always ask her if she minds if I dress at home when we are alone. The only problem I have is the b&^% keep stealing my shoes.

[JohnH]

I simply do my own thing. When I'm home I wear men's clothes and dresses 50-50 in the winter time. In the summer time I wear denim skirts and dresses also 50-50. My wife has even gone for walks in the neighborhood with me while I am wearing a dress and her wearing pants. She never wears dresses or skirts.

I keep my femme clothes and shoes in plain sight in the master bedroom closet along with my masculine items.

Johanna

[Stacye Rose]

i have a very satisfactory arrangement with my so. She divorced me and went away and now I dress whenever I want to. works perfectly.

[Danielle Gee]

Weell my wife is cool with my CDing, but we've made a few compromises.....

#1 She wants it to remain between us, and has asked me not to take it to the streets.

#2 She wants me to buy what ever I need to enhance my femininity, but not to the detriment of the budget ( I.E. Pay the rent before you buy your 10th pair of heels)

#3 She get to play the male (or dominant) role when I'm "girly" (heck, she's bossy when I'm not girly)


Danielle

[Yvonne York]

No wig or make up when we are together. Otherwise my wife is happy for me to wear anything feminine.

[tammii1111]

My SO tolerates. She doesn't care to see Tammii at all. She has known for about 12 years now.

[VS Fan]

Basic rules are keep it from the wife and kids, who are grade school age, so that eliminates most chances to dress openly in the house, even at night (assuming my wife would tolerate it, which she wouldn't), as they could easily come downstairs for water etc etc. So I occasionally work from home and dress during the day and in the very late evenings in the basement. Odd thing is that she knows I dress in the basement and still is brave enough to come down unannounced from time to time... makes me wonder sometimes if she wants to "accidentally" see me doing it to see it even though she doesn't want to see it... kind of like trying not to look at the gross surgery on House or whatever but wanting to look at the same time.

She does ok with conversation about all of this however... like she'll ask "why would a man WANT to wear pantyhose?" or "I guess wearing women's slacks wouldn't really be for you would it, since they're still just pants, right?" I ask her if she REALLY wants me to answer the questions, and the usual response is "no"... but I think I'm going to start answering straight away to see if she'll ask more questions or if she'll regret it. LOL...

Since I'm stuck in the basement and probably always will be, I can't offer much advice on how to deal with not as much freedom as you'd like.. except maybe to get a job where you travel more often so you can be free at least in the hotel room when you travel. I take advantage of this on the rare business trip, which is nice.

On the up side, I've only been out to my wife for just over a year, so there's plenty of time for her to warm up to all this, but she didn't kick me out of the house, so I'm just taking it slow.

VS Fan

[Stephanie47]

Right now it's 'Don't Ask! Don't Tell!" Before either of us really knew what cross-dressing was all about, she would buy me stockings and garter belts, and, on several occasions we shopped together for nightgowns. I told her I liked the feel of the fabric, which I did. At that point in time I thought that was all it was about. Later, she became intolerant to it. I told her it had nothing to do with her, which is true. Once she threatened to tell everybody I was a cross=dresser. She withdrew her threat, but, I don't believe her. I think she realizes the family knows I gave up every dream I had in life to make her happy and abate all her insecurities, which have nothing to do with our relationship. She could not understand why I felt such a compulsion. I don't know either. So, right now it DADT. If she were to become demanding as in purging, etc, I'm more than willing to divorce after forty years. I'd rather die in my nightgowns than my jockey shorts.

[kimdl93]

My wife is accepting and I'm able to dress full - time at home. The only mutually held limitation (I don't consider it a compromise because its my preference) is to keep this to ourselves, not dressing when the girls are around (they are both grown) and not going fully dressed in public. I do at times wear a touch of make up, heeled sandals and tops in public...but the look is more androgynous than feminine.

[Christie ann]

My wife is un-accepting and there is very little compromise. I do however, wear nightgowns to bed and wear only women's jeans and capris in season. You take what you can get.

[Zoe Preston]

My wife falls firmly into the disapproving unaccepting category. She doesn't want any part of it, no involvement in it nor to see me dressed. She struggles to understand (And me to explain) why a man would want to dress as a woman.

Her biggest concern is her fear of the shame of people finding out that she is married to a crossdresser. I've never been out in public dressed and I have promised my wife that I won't.

Zoe

[MarinaKirax]

My wife caught me about a year ago, after being suspicious about my secretiveness for some time. We had a difficult time with my terror at anyone else ever knowing (she is the only one) and her feelings of being deceived. She is not keen on my dressing, but has allowed me some latitude.

Our initial compromise was dont ask, dont tell. and promises that I would not dress in the company of over CDers, or solicit meetings with other CDers. (I have no interest in any relationship with anyone else, but occasionally daydream about meeting some other girls downtown for a chance to walk openly down the street in a group of females, or be absorbed into a table of women in a restaurant)

The issue of my having "deceived" her, however, came back home to roost. In our case, I cannot overestimate how this particular aspect completely overshadows my wife's opinion on other issues, even the dressing itself. she is terrified of being deceived in some major way again, it's a source of continued anxiety, and as such is more problematic for her then even my dressing. In order to boost her confidence, therefore, our new compromise is that I will be completely open about when and where I am going to dress. She needs to know whether I am or not, to eliminate any element of deception or subterfuge. It's unspoken that my dressing is still in the house, and in the long term, with the subterfuge of the way, she is working hard at accepting the dressing. And she's doing very well. I don't think she's likely to want to see me dressed for years.

just as an aside, one of the resources that we were led to last year when initially dealing with this, involved a woman who was very supportive of her CD husband, in fact she wrote a book on the subject. Her book about learning to accept and live with her heterosexual cross-dressing husband was frequently referenced as a resource for SO's. My wife learned this week that the husband has now changed his/her end of the bargain, has decided that he wants to live full time as a woman, is taking hormone placements, and planning on gender reassignment surgery. This threw my wife for a complete and, and she's now sure that I will want to do the same. ( i don't have thoses feelings, never have).

So I'm getting to the point where I don't think you can say "what is your compromise with your SO"?

I think the question is "what is this week's compromise with your SO"?

I didn't intend for that to come out so mean-I love her very much and she's doing her absolute of most to support me, and herself during a difficult time. I was more intending to suggest that the ride is a bumpy one, and needs and rules change all the time. MK

[audreyinalbany]

I'm in a similar position to Zoe. The wife and I are pretty much 'don't ask, don't tell.' She, too, struggles to understand and is terribly concerned that some of our friends will find out.

On the other hand, she does respect the fact that I've been a crossdressers for at least fifty of the last fifty six years and it's probably not going away, so she has been okay with me going away for the occasional 'girls night out.'

[Zoe Preston]

Marina, I completely share your daydream of being able to mix with other girls. A little light shopping, a meal or just spending time socialising. Alas, the perception is that we must want to pick up men - but that's not what I want to do at all. Maybe one day, but not soon :(

Audrey, you're fortunate to be permitted your girl's night outs and I envy you. I recently visited a dressing service and because my wife was concerned it might all have been a little sleazy I more or less sat her at the computer to have a look at a few of the pictures. I could tell my her gasps of surprise that I looked a lot better than she was expecting - I probably looked to good for her comfort. I was hoping to ask her agreement for me to visit the monthly meeting they hold but I don't think I'll push it immediately. I would love a girl's night out - preferably with my wife included. Another daydream :)

So, to return to Marina's point, the compromise is "Whatever they are comfortable with today!".

Zoe

[Christy_M]

Thank you so much, ladies, for the input. I started this string in the hopes that I could find some commonalities amongst us with regards to our disapproving spouses. It really is interesting to find the varying levels of acceptance (or lack there of) and how we choose to live with those compromises and/or boundries. As I have said in many posts, I have some self acceptance issues that I am working through and not being able to express myself as ...(what? "needed," "wanted," "commanded by the other side") I feel necessary limits my ability to work through these things that I feel ashamed about. It gets exacerbated by the fact that it is generally not accepted by society and affirmed by my spouse through my acceptance of these same boundries in the vain of keeping the peace. I love my wife. I do not want to live without her and my kids. I am going to work through this with her. I just need to keep explaining my feelings and see how the boundries shift as a result of these discussions. She is not unreasonable, probably scared of what will become of her husband and her family. I am not helping this out by asking to change the boundries after she sets her expectations. Thank you so much for the input.