Insanity?

[Aprilrain]

Friday I was feeling very flat which is different than feeling OK. More like depressed but with no pain. It's hard to explain. In the past three months when ever I have felt crazy or sad or mad or depressed I would put on my female clothes do my makeup and wig etc. and would usually start to feel better. This seemed to refocus and reaffirm my decision to do something about being transgendered. But on Friday it did nothing I felt like I was going through the motions. I went out with a friend and talking helped but on the way home I just felt like I was in drag. Yesterday I sank into full on depression. I felt very male and kept thinking, who am I kidding, this made me angry which only made me feel even more male and more depressed. I felt sentenced to maleness. "30 years hard labor as a man for you!" slam! As the gavel hits the bench.

I slept a lot and my dreams bellied my fears that I will go to all this trouble to "come out" to everyone and start living full time only to discover that I just don't care anymore. I put a lot of thought into my feelings and believe that a lot of what I'm going through is because Im actually quite Tomboyish and all the girly girl stuff is just getting kinda old. Don't get me wrong I love doing makeup and can't wait for my hair to grow out but sometimes I just want to throw on tee shirt and jeans pull my hair back in a pony tail and go. The problem is right now I will not be seen as female if I don't do all the other stuff. Anyway the feelings have gone away for now and Im back to my normal self.

I guess if I do discover that I just don't care about transition anymore, that having come out and no longer living a lie is far better than the absolutely untenable situation I found myself in before. If people think I'm weird or crazy so be it. I really was crazy before so the only difference will be that I will no longer be living in my on private hell. I guess not caring will free me to live in whatever gender or mix of genders or genderless state I feel most comfortable in. Right now I prefer female and am quite done with male, been there done that and have the teeshirt to prove it, actually I have a whole chest of drawers full of clothes that rarely wear now to prove it.

[Starling]

As we're all individuals, April, and exist on a sliding gender scale, it's only natural to have doubts about staking your claim to one point on the scale--especially if it can entail social and emotional upheaval. But if you generally feel a lot more like a woman than a man, even if you don't want to dress up sometimes, there are plenty of cisgendered females out there to use as excuses for dressing down.

We do have to send out more feminine cues than they if we want to be accepted even as boyish females, but a little research could provide solutions to that dilemma. Find shortcuts to a femme look that don't require as much work to pull off, and some of the weariness you sometimes feel might be lifted. Don't let an occasional case of the blues put you off the path.

Do you read the fashion magazines? As the weather warms up, they'll undoubtedly start featuring "easy looks for summer." You might find some really good tricks there. I hope you feel better soon, April.

:) Lallie

[Aprilrain]

Thanks honestly I think I'm just suffering from depression that is unrelated to being TG but it's hard sepparate the normal fears that any of us would probably have from the depression. Anyway I'm feeling much better now. OMG is that what PMS is like? Oh joy!
Ya know it's really no different than my lack of control over my emotions on my factory installed hormone system. Only with that one I get mad instead of sad.

[renee k]

Hi April,

Your not alone with your thoughts. I've had the very same thoughts, as recent as this past Friday. You need some down time from all the primping. I think it's quite natural to have those feelings. Just throw on your sweats and enjoy a good movie at home. Chill out! My cure was to a little on-line shopping. Can't wait for that new dress and heels to arrive on my front porch.

Renee

[Melody Moore]

I have to agree with Renee here, I think you need some down time April because we know you have been pushing yourself
& been very busy on the road visiting relatives with your coming out recently. This involves going through lots of anxiety
& can be very stressful. So I think it's time to give yourself a break and have some 'me' time to gather up your emotions.
Some shopping as Renee also suggests is always good therapy so go splurge a little on yourself and have some fun. ;)

Good luck April and I hope thing settle down soon for you :hugs:

[Aprilrain]

Yes shopping WAS good yesterday. Bought a coat, a new (womens) wallet, very cute light pink leather, and some nice tee shirts, I needed more dress down clothes.

I see my therapist today so that will be good.

[Gina X]

I think this time of year is depressing, everone is coming down after Christmas and I'm not sure what it's like in Ohio but in the UK it is very cold dark and depressing. I felt a little like this yesterday so bought myself a big bottle of my favourite perfume on the internet so I can look forward to that arriving. Hope all goes well with your therapist today, as Melody says take some time out for yourself, and remember we're all here for you anytime.................

[Rianna Humble]

Yes shopping WAS good yesterday.

Nothing like a little retail therapy to calm the mind. Will you be wearing the new coat to see your therapist?

[Hope]

We all go through these periods where we think "what the hell am I doing?" or "who do I think I am fooling?" It will pass, and the periods do become less frequent and less intense.

The trick is to keep your chin up and your wits about you in the blue periods. Remind yourself why you have made the decisions you have made, and look at it as a transition plateau if need be. If you have trouble reminding yourself why it is you have come to be where you are, in the better times, make a short list of things, and keep it in your purse - when you need it, pull it out and give it a look.

[Aprilrain]

Oh thanks everyone for your replys. I look forward to coming home and reading this forum, not just threads I start but all of them so it's especially nice when people respond.