Stopping?

[ikthys]

Hey all! I'm new to the community. I am actually trying to stop cding. I know there are many different opinions here about whether that's even the right or healthy thing for me to try to do, but this thread isn't about that question. I have often heard someone say in an offhand way that they tried stopping with therapy, etc. but it didn't work (or something like that). I am actually very interested in what kinds of things people have heard, been told, read, believed, used, abandoned, hated, or otherwise been confronted with when it comes to "help" stopping. In other words, since I assume many of us have dealt with the issue of stopping from time to time, I am interested in the various approaches and methods left in the wakes of those attempts. For instance, my website (Vested Interest (http://cdreflections.wordpress.com/)) chronicles a smattering of ways I'm trying to narrate things. But I'm interested in your experience.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hmmmm , you may find that most of the people who post her , post about acceptance of who they are , and becomming comfortable with expressing their gender identity. Your blog shows a lot of internal struggle, and a marriage that seems dependent on your stopping crossdressing. I hope you find what you are seeking, however you most likely will find a warm wonderful community here, and it may cause you to slip your resolve.

Welcome too !

kELLY

[juno]

Most people here will advise that stopping is a poor choice. Most likely you will fail. If you succeed, life will be less enjoyable. If there are people who have successfully stopped, they probably won't be members here.

IMHO, some people can stop crossdressing and still be happy. For that to work, I think a person still needs a good outlet for their feminine interests. If you fill your life with things that women enjoy other than women's clothes, you may be able to satisfy your feminine psychological needs.

The main argument against quitting is that it is a great way to enjoy life, is completely harmless, and the only negative aspect is social acceptance. Most of us think society is the one that needs to change. However, the negative social aspects can be significant, so I understand why someone would want to quit. Just beware that you might start feeling depressed about life without it. For crossdressers, dressing is far better than any antidepressant drug.

[Cari]

My main advice on this one would be not to purge; just box everything up maybe have a friend hold it that will be much healthier for your pocketbook.

During times that I was forced to stop I did find that fashion magazines and TV shows for women did help a bit. (Kinda like nicotine gum for a smoker)

I havent found any real alternative or therapy that worked for me.
I would add everyone is different your situation and resolve may just be the one that works out.

I havent exactly been motivated to quit; because I consider it harmless and enjoy it.
I would agree that the quitters most likely arent on here, they are probably in CD rehab somewhere wearing sackcloth and simple shoes :-)

BTW just for reference how long have you been CDing ? Do you have inclination to transition ?

[Aprilrain]

It seems pointless to tell you what failed for me but here goes. Quite simply put Ive tried drinking alcoholicly and using hard drugs. That didn't pan out I just ended up doing many tragic things and some of them in a dress. I've tried "white knuckling it" that never lasted long and usually ended in a big shopping spree and a motel room (to dress in) inevitably I would feel guilty the next day for spending lots of money and for the sexual fantasies I would entertain (me a woman with a man) and then I'd throw it all out. I went to a therapist about 4 years ago and apparently she said that hypnosis can be effective. Oddly enough I don't remember the therapist telling me that at all. my wife told me recently that I came home from a session and told her that. She also told me that I flat out refused to have anything to do with hypnosis to "cure" the CDing. Now I know why I wouldn't do that. Why would I want someone to steal part of my soul with some Jedi mind trick? Apparently it's out there though.

On the other hand you could try embracing this part of yourself. It might require standing up for your right to be you. That doesn't mean you have to rub it in anyones face but I'm sure it woudn't hurt your wife if you CDed in private while she was out of the house. Better yet you could find and join a local support group, they often have a place where you can dress at the meeting.
Good luck

[eluuzion]

hiya ikthys,

welcome,

One option is to use the search feature up on the menu bar to read some of the archived posts on the topic. Typing "Purging" might be a good starter for producing some older posts.

I am just a psycho, not a psychotherapist. But eliminating all "tools and triggers" of the behavior you wish to modify or cease is a typical approach. That usually includes avoiding people and places associated with the undesireable behavior. It seems joining this forum might be similar to an alcoholic going to a bar to seek help with his alcohol problem?

Many times what appears to be a positive step (reaching out for help), is actually just masking the unconscious desire to chase the dragon without admitting it...

just a thought

good luck

:love:

[Stephanie Anne]

Every few months a post almost identical to this one gets submitted. The answer is always the same. You can't cure something that itself is not a problem.

If you want to quit then stop associating it with sex, stop obsessing over a clothing fetish, stop using cross dressing as an outlet for your frustrations, or stop victimizing yourself for a lack of control. Whatever the reason, cross dressing, being trans sexed, being gender queer... these are not symptoms of or in itself, a disease. There are disorders that can arise from a deep seeded disfunction either heightened by a lack of self worth or a disconnect from a childhood trauma. Sexual arousal from dressing can develop from associating it with the first pre pubescent inklings of arousal. Etc., etc., etc.


In short stop hating yourself for who you are. not because you cross dress.

[Lucy_Bella]

If you find a way that works .....Please let me know..! I have tried many times in purging ,cold Turkey and shameing myself just to end up slowly going back..Good luck

[Ashley Allison]

Hello ikthys,

First let me say welcome to the forum. I saw and read your introduction post. I also had a chance to go over.

I'm around the same age as you. While I have never been married, I must had admit that I have some of the same feelings about crossdressing in the past.

I come from a conservative Christian background. I had a serious problem with alcohol problem in the past. It was a problem and had to be healed. Crossdressing is part of my identity. There's no therapy or ex-trans program that will make it go away because crossdressing is not an illness.

As others have mentioned according to your blog, you seem to view crossdressing in a negative light. I can guarantee you that most if not all of the individuals on this forum whether they admit or not have felt the same way in the past. I will pray for you have realize that being a genetic Christian male, and a crossdresser are not mutually exclusive.

Reparative therapy may seem like a solution, but it can be summed up in one word which is suppression. Reparative therapy or any of the ex-transgender programs out there will not give you the answers that you seek; in fact, they can only bring you more misery. If it is salvation that you seek, you will never find it until you accept who you are.

Luckily, you are now on this forum. I look forward to discussing more issues with you in the future.

[annabellejorden]

I will pray for you have realize that being a genetic Christian male, and a crossdresser are not mutually exclusive.

Hear Here!

I am a genetic Male.
I am a Christian.

You can be both.
I fought my CD for many years, and hatted myself for it.

I to pray that instead of suppressing part of your self, that you can find the fortitude to balance all aspects of your personality.

Best wishes, and hope to see you around.

[Jonianne]

Yes, we get these threads every so often. So you should be able to search "Stopping" or purging and see where they go. One particular individual returns on occasion to let us know how long he has been without dressing.

My story is, I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian background and of course mixing that with crossdressing was causing some serious cognative dissonance, so being the super sensitive believer I was (am), I prayed many times that God would take it away from me. Eventually the constant guilt, shame, purging and feeling like I was a failure to God started leading me to have some serious mental breakdowns. It was so severe and the absolute terror I had for not being "right" in God's eyes, was causing me to literly start hearing voices and hearing God tell me that if I didn't repent, I would be dead and in hell within a day or sometimes immeadiatly. It's a trip when you've been a totally sane person all your life and start hearing things that you know aren't there. How long do you think someone can live like this? Being a black and white, all or nothing fundamentalist was not helping. I won't go into how I finally came to peace, because you didn't ask that.

From your being here and from your website, it seems that even though you have stopped, you are still not at peace in your soul. Without self-acceptance and finding your balance, the struggle will continue the rest of your life. The way some people cope with the struggle, is to start or be involved in ex-transgender ministries and then that becomes the compulsion of their life and in their trying to cope with their own issue and thinking they are doing good, they can end up destroying the lives of others.

However, I do think it is possible to stop physically crossdressing and to be at peace (there will certainly always be that internal yearning, because the aspect of being transgender - having the need to express the genuine feminine part of who we are -will always be a part of us). But I believe to be sucessful in doing that, it takes accepting yourself, and coming to terms that God is OK with that part of who you are, as well. Then if you choose to live a life of total abstainance, in the same vein of never marrying, like Paul and some priests do and successfully supress both the erotic and non-erotic side, (they see nothing wrong with marriage, they just feel they can serve God more by being single) then you can live at peace with your choice.

[KrystalA]

Hi ikthys! My advice would be to just be who you are. I've tried to stop CDing quite a few times over the years, but the dry spells drove me crazy. I finally decided to just accept who I am, and I've been a much happier person ever since. I never go out 'dressed', other than a Halloween party some years back (which, by the way, turned out to be a very exciting evening, but that's for another post). Also, it can get expensive, if you accumulate a feminine wardrobe, then purge yuuself of it, then start over again. Just go with it girl, you'll be glad you did.

[Fab Karen]

Listen to the witch:
surrender Dorothy

[CherryZips]

It seems joining this forum might be similar to an alcoholic going to a bar to seek help with his alcohol problem?
^
|
|
This

[Loni]

i do agree with the thought about a drunk going to a bar for help.
also the term why fix what ain't broke.

as for was of trying one so called mind Dr was talking to me about electo shock therapy. even my wife (at that time) did not like the sound of that.
if you even find a way to "cure" your self of what you are, please do not let me know about it. i like being me.

good luck in changing yourself, hope you like the new you.

.

[ikthys]

Thanks for the reminder about searching past threads. I'll be sure to do that more before I post a new one in the future. I'm well familiar with "purging" (as I've been cding for over 20 years- no interest in transition, btw). I really was just hoping to politely ask for anyone who actually has been where I'm at now (trying to contend with the possibility that this isn't actually a permanent part of my personality for all time, but simply a deeply ingrained part of it so far- and this simply from choice and habit) may have been able to kick down something they heard, even if it was ineffective. Most importantly, I want to say that I really mean no disrespect to any of you by my dealing with this perspective. I figure that I must deal with this possibility as vigorously as I would any other possible answer to the question "why do I want to?"- that's sorta the way I am- stubborn I guess. I am VERY thankful for the courtesy you have shown me in even fielding this thread with generous responses. As to the alcoholic going to the bar... please don't take me for such. I would find an "aa" for cders but can't seem to find one yet- still looking. One thing I am sure about is that suppression is not the answer. That's why, though it may seem strange, I do feel like I should honestly be amongst you all in this forum openly. But this does not mean, for me, that I accept this in my life, either. So I wish there were another forum just for those like me. I hope you'll tolerate me in this one for now anyway. I won't go around bashing anyone, and I'll be careful not to annoy you all with comments bent toward quitting, I promise :)

[Kaz]

Hi Ikthys,

You shouldn't be so apologetic! It is an important issue and even if past posts have worked it over an over, it will always be current, and current views are just as valid as those posted previously in my opinion.

I have thought long and hard about this for many years. I would not regard myself as a "Christian" per se, even though I grew up as a chorister and have all that as part of me, but I have a strong faith/values system, and whilst this does not confront my CD desires, I still often wish I could quit - life would be so much simpler on so many levels.

I went through what most others have, quitting, purging, only to come back... etc... I decided a few years ago that i wouldn't quit, but accept it and let it play out how it might.

I must say that since accepting, I found periods when I don't dress to be a lot easier, and sometimes I have no urge whatsoever. This can last a long time. It is almost as if acceptance is the issue. I no longer rush to take advantage of every opportunity to dress. I have found I can identify with my femme side even when dressed in 100% male clothes. It is almost as if dressing is not the issue at all - but rather it is about understanding who I am and dealing with it. This is why I think denial and giving up never work. It will just come back and when it does it usually comes back stronger.

If I was alone on a desert island with no female clothes, I suspect I would wear whatever was most practical in whatever situation I found myself. The lack of femme clothes would potentially curtail my dressing, but would it cure me? The evidence suggests not. But at the end of the day I have "choice"... if I accept who I am I can choose how to dress, how to "present" myself to the outside world. Like many CD's SOs, my wife wears jeans mostly, with trainers. She has some dresses, but rarely wears them. She just chooses practical clothes to suit the occasion. As a CD, so can I.

I suspect working with it will work better than trying to fight it. A game I have played at times is to think of my CD side (Kaz) as also being a crossdresser... Kaz likes to dress up as a guy! This might sound a bit barking mad (!) but it helps at times! :D

Rather than trying to supress it (and hypnotism is along these lines), I would try to embrace it and then make active and positive choices. Don't purge... as someone else suggested, box it all up. Make boxing the clothes up the psychological equivalent of actively putting away your outward CDing. It is there should you ever need it. But it is your choice when and where, and indeed "if".

Take Care, and good luck! :hugs:

[Christy_M]

Well I haven´t quite finished my Kool Aid yet, either. As much as I now know it is here to stay, I still have a hard time accepting myself. My method for quitting has been "shame" for needing to dress, "guilt" for dressing, "purge" to get the objects out of reach, "2nd guilt" for throwing out all that money, "need" to dress, "shop" for new items, rinse, repeat for 40 years. As you can see by my picture, I think I finally beat it...

[annabellejorden]

Rather than trying to supress it (and hypnotism is along these lines), I would try to embrace it and then make active and positive choices. Don't purge... as someone else suggested, box it all up. Make boxing the clothes up the psychological equivalent of actively putting away your outward CDing. It is there should you ever need it. But it is your choice when and where, and indeed "if".

Hear Here!!

What she said.

I tried for a time to quit because of an SO. This was many years ago, she found my stash and went on how This aint right and How embarrassed she was. Looking back, even though at the time I thought the relationship was good, I realize that anyone who truly loves me will not try to change me.

To para phrase Tigger: I is what I is.

Once I accepted this about my self, which I privately did about a year ago, and semi-publicly last night, I have felt much better about myself.

During the past year, I have not always felt the need to dress, but when I did, there wasn't the feeling of shame anymore.

I didn't read all of your blog, but I got the impression you were doing this to save your marriage, I know coming from some one who is divorced, for non-cd reasons, this may sound bad, but is it worth saving if you cant be your self.

Only you can answer that.

[thechic]

Hi there
I stopped stopping to stop,as I just could not stop.so gave up stopping.:thumbsup:

[annabellejorden]

Hi there
I stopped stopping to stop,as I just could not stop.so gave up stopping.:thumbsup:

mommy, I have a head ache.

[Kaz]

Nice one Geneva! :hugs:

[docrobbysherry]

It seems to be the ONLY ONE I've ever had! So, my experience dealing with them is limited!

However, ALL compulsive behavior CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE in certain individuals lives!
Including crossdressing!:sad:

In my opinion, the ONLY WAY TO STOP DRESSING is to treat it like OTHER compulsions!
Replace it with another activity! Maybe U CAN'T go to church or 12 step meetings every day, but u CAN find something else to do if u try hard enuff!

Hopefully, you're new activity will be less destructive than your dressing one was!:brolleyes:

My therapist told me my dressing, "Wasn't an issue unless it negatively affected my life!"
The only negatives for me r, my house, car, and garages r a mess! Because I spend my spare time dressing!:sad:
On the plus side, I've lost weight and cut down my drinking and sports watching!:D

[Zoe Preston]

Hi ikthys, I don't want to appear overly negative but I don't really 'get' where you're coming from. Joining this forum several months after you stopped dressing is odd to say the least :)

I've read your blog and for someone that has quit crossdressing you don't half write a lot about it :eek: I couldn't shake the thought that your blog reads like one of those Stalinist show trials where the captured spy signs the 'confession' placed before him. Are you sure that you aren't just writing what your wife wants to read?

To me it seems that, so far, your are repressing your desire - and good for you if that's what you want to do - but I don't believe that you have removed the latent desire. If you had you wouldn't be thinking about crossdressing issues, writing blogs about crossdressing or frequenting crossdressing web sites.

If you want to stop crossdressing then you need to address the emotional or psychological triggers that prompted your dressing.

There is a marvellous group of people on this forum who will help where they can, but we're not best placed to help you quit :D

Zoe

[Rianna Humble]

I really was just hoping to politely ask for anyone who actually has been where I'm at now (trying to contend with the possibility that this isn't actually a permanent part of my personality for all time, but simply a deeply ingrained part of it so far- and this simply from choice and habit) may have been able to kick down something they heard, even if it was ineffective.

I tried to kid myself for over 45 years that this wasn't a permanent part of who I am. I also tried to believe and act upon the idea told to me by a group of Christian Fundamentalists that I just had to choose not to be transgendered and I would cease to need to cross-dress. Sorry to tell you that neither of those things worked.

I also tried channelling my energies in different directions, but just ended up suicidally depressed.

In the end I found one thing that worked for me. I accepted who I am and that this would mean changing my approach to accept that being transgendered is not wrong.


Most importantly, I want to say that I really mean no disrespect to any of you by my dealing with this perspective. I figure that I must deal with this possibility as vigorously as I would any other possible answer to the question "why do I want to?"- that's sorta the way I am

I am sure that no-one who has answered in this thread thought you were being disrespectful. This is a question that is important to you at this time, you are a valuable member of our community, therefore you are entitled to our support and help in exploring the question. We may not be able to give you a magic bullet that will make you into something you are not (cisgendered), but we can certainly try to be there for you and to share our own perspectives and experiences.

[KayleeDahl]

Whatever the reason, cross dressing, being trans sexed, being gender queer... these are not symptoms of or in itself, a disease.

In short stop hating yourself for who you are. not because you cross dress.

I can't agree more with stephanie. if it is truely a part of yourself, then you will never be complete if you "stop". If it is something else, than take a look at causes, and give it a shot.

The only way that i ever repressed it successfully for long periods was to completely close down that part, and willfully re-direct myself whenever thoughts came up. It was exhausting, and far more dangerous to me than just accepting it.

Hugs
Kaylee

[TrekGirl1701]

I decided a few years ago that i wouldn't quit, but accept it and let it play out how it might.

I must say that since accepting, I found periods when I don't dress to be a lot easier, and sometimes I have no urge whatsoever. This can last a long time. It is almost as if acceptance is the issue. I no longer rush to take advantage of every opportunity to dress. I have found I can identify with my femme side even when dressed in 100% male clothes. It is almost as if dressing is not the issue at all - but rather it is about understanding who I am and dealing with it. This is why I think denial and giving up never work. It will just come back and when it does it usually comes back stronger.

If I was alone on a desert island with no female clothes, I suspect I would wear whatever was most practical in whatever situation I found myself. The lack of femme clothes would potentially curtail my dressing, but would it cure me? The evidence suggests not. But at the end of the day I have "choice"... if I accept who I am I can choose how to dress, how to "present" myself to the outside world. Like many CD's SOs, my wife wears jeans mostly, with trainers. She has some dresses, but rarely wears them. She just chooses practical clothes to suit the occasion. As a CD, so can I.

I suspect working with it will work better than trying to fight it.

This is exactly what I did last year. I decided to stop fighting it and just accept that I am a crossdresser. Something happened that I didn't expect and it was exactly what happened to you. Right after I made the decision I hung up all the female clothes I had in my closet with the rest of my clothes as if they were a part of the regular rotation. I didn't care if one of my family members or anybody else went snooping. If they discovered my secret I would own up to it. When out shopping for clothes I walked into the stores as if I owned the place. My confidence was through the roof. But I found myself dressing less and less. Often I've been alone and had no desire to dress.

But here's the thing. I still love female clothes. Perhaps now more than ever. I love looking through catalogs and surfing fashion websites. But the need to wear the clothes is not as strong as it once was. I even made the decision to cut my shoulder length hair and return to the short hair that I'd always had. And I felt so much better. This is when I realized that it isn't my destiny to be a crossdresser. I just have a love for fashion and for years I thought I had to express that love by wearing the clothes. Once in a while I still like to put something on, but that's enough for me. I still buy the clothes I like, too, but I wear them once and then they hit the closet. I guess I'm sort of a collector now.

So I would take that advice. Own up to it, accept it and see what happens.

[Lorileah]

Remember the adage "quitting is easy I have done it a hundred times"?

I am sure that there are people out there who have gone through a "phase". There are a few who had a period in there life where being CD was in interest that didn't pan out. Maybe even one who broke away moved to a mountain top in Tibet and now lives a life of meditation. The best answer so far?

If there are people who have successfully stopped, they probably won't be members here.



We always point out that TGism is a continuum not and end point or a set place on the chart. There are those who are on the end that this is just a phase or a one time deal and they are done..maybe for ever. There are others who are at the other end on the line who quit because they become women. Most, once again are in the middle. They usually fail to quit but can shelve it for a period of time. Should we have a 12 step program? Maybe there is a support group out there for Ex-crossdressers, and that may be a viable solution to "quell" the urge but most never completely give up. Look around the forum you will see a great many "mature" people who have successfully stopped for weeks, months and years. But true TG's never quit (ok never say never...but almost never). Personally everything I have ever quit are things I just wanted to try and didn't really like. Things I like I continue to do. When the reward is greater than the pain and guilt, the behavior will continue.

[Cheryl T]

I've been through the purge/buy cycle so many times that I finally stopped...I stopped purging!!
I finally accepted who I am and that all of this is such a big part of me. Now I'm happier than ever and haven't even considered purging in 7 years.
We all need to find what works for us individually. For me it's being Cheryl.
Hope you find what works for you.

[JohnH]

ikthys,

I skimmed over your blog, and one thing that stands out is that you are obsessed with trying to quit crossdressing! We have the urge to crossdress simply because that is how are brains are wired. You will see that the majority of members of this forum are heterosexual and a lot of them are married. And I see that there is a lot of concern about our wives. In fact, it is said that male-to-female crossdressers are more likely to be heterosexual than the general male population.

I might wear a dress for a day, and then I will want to put on standard men's clothing. I also wear a nightgown to bed. I don't go around beating myself up for crossdressing. Before I allowed my feminine side to develop I was frequently in suicidal moods.

As I mentioned in a posting to your intro thread men have far less freedom to express their urges to dress in a socially acceptable way than in the past or what women can do. If you don't believe me just look at the male-to-female postings and threads as compared to the transmasculine (female to male) section.

Societal norms are not always right. Recall in the 17th and 18th centuries it was immoral for a woman to sing publicly. Of course, there was the desire for adult sopranos, mezzo sopranos, and altos. We all know what the solution was - it was the castrati! Just think of what poor boys with mediocre voices went through and did not make it big time.

So be kind to yourself and simply consider the feelings of your wife as you crossdress. Don't keep it a secret but do it openly.

Johanna

[Kelly DeWinter]

Thanks for the reminder about searching past threads. I'll be sure to do that more before I post a new one in the future. I'm well familiar with "purging" (as I've been cding for over 20 years- no interest in transition, btw). I really was just hoping to politely ask for anyone who actually has been where I'm at now (trying to contend with the possibility that this isn't actually a permanent part of my personality for all time, but simply a deeply ingrained part of it so far- and this simply from choice and habit) may have been able to kick down something they heard, even if it was ineffective. Most importantly, I want to say that I really mean no disrespect to any of you by my dealing with this perspective. I figure that I must deal with this possibility as vigorously as I would any other possible answer to the question "why do I want to?"- that's sorta the way I am- stubborn I guess. I am VERY thankful for the courtesy you have shown me in even fielding this thread with generous responses. As to the alcoholic going to the bar... please don't take me for such. I would find an "aa" for cders but can't seem to find one yet- still looking. One thing I am sure about is that suppression is not the answer. That's why, though it may seem strange, I do feel like I should honestly be amongst you all in this forum openly. But this does not mean, for me, that I accept this in my life, either. So I wish there were another forum just for those like me. I hope you'll tolerate me in this one for now anyway. I won't go around bashing anyone, and I'll be careful not to annoy you all with comments bent toward quitting, I promise :)


It doesen't seem like you are bashing anyone, you have been polite ,kind and considerate. You have a right to seek help with quitting crossdressing, quitting both being sucessfull and trying after all is an aspect of crossdressing and being TG. If you would like a 12 step program, that would be about the best fit possible, then I would reccomend : http://www.everymansbattle.com they are a fasith based counseling group, run by a well respected counseling group, that uses faith/peer based counseling/accountability for men and women with sexual addictions. I know about 35 men who have used them to overcome addictions. If you feel that the crossdressing is a fetish aspect for you, then give them a call. I do know of 2 men who have gone through their program for transvestic crossdressing and have been 'sober' or 'free' to use their terms for 4 years. It may not be for everyone, but it sure is a great place to start. Keep us posted !

Kelly

[MichelleP]

Remember Polonius in Hamlet?

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man". [or woman either]

As others have also so often stated here - be yourself and be honest with yourself and you'll find it will lift a burden.

Good Luck to you..............

Michelle

[Julogden]

Good luck with that. I've known a lot of CD's, and not one that I've known has successfully stopped dressing forever. Yes, some stop for a period of time, even for a coule or three years, but eventually we went back to dressing. Most just went cold turkey.

Carol

[MargaretJ]

My earliest recollection of cross dressing was at age 4. I am now 52, and in all those years I have dipped in and out of CDing, with some long periods of non CD activity, and yet I still came back to it. My situation now is that I have the time to cross dress more or less as I please, and I can't see me stopping crossdressing ever again.

I have read the thread through and may have missed why, but why do you feel the urge to stop?

[JenniferR771]

Hi Ickthys,
My therapist thought of it as compulsive sexual behavior, and suggested a book on sexual addiction by Patrick Carnes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Carnes

And he suggested come clean to my wife and tell her the truth, show her my stash of dresses and throw them all out and ask for her fogiveness. Promise no more lies or deceit. Plus:
1. Take responsibility for your actions
2. Commit to abstainance
3. Request for her to learn and understand

[Being Paige]

i'm with Geneva, on this one

[Soriya]

Hiya ikthys,

You have the answers you seek already, and by reading your blog, you are already asking yourself for the answers, but it doesn't sound like you are listening to those answers yet. We thing from two sides, Ego and Inuition. Ego is your fear and tells you what you want to hear where your intuition tells you what you need to hear, even if it doesn't feel good. Take a guess what most people listen to?

You will get lot's of different answers here but please bare in mind as everyone who posts, they are saying what they feel and what they have done based on their experiences. You have your own history and your own experiences and yours alone hold the answers you seek, all you have to do is ask and listen what your intuition tells you. When you ask yourself something like "Why do I do this?" listen to the first thought that comes to your mind. Don't try to think about an answer, just quiet your mind, ask your question and listen to the first thought that pops in. That is your intuition talking. It takes practice to understand which thoughts are your intuition and which are your ego and most will fall into their ego because that first thought may not feel good, then ego takes over. Here is an example of what it might look like using Crossdressing. This was something I discussed with a TS friend of mine from her past who is now Post-Op (years and years later)

"Why do I do this?"

First though (Intuition): "I am supposed to be a girl"
Following thoughts (Ego): "It can't be that, people will make fun of me, I will loose my job, I won't be excepted, I will be alone"

Another example between the two not using crossdressing. Say you are a teenager with a bunch of guys hanging out. They are about to steal pumpkins from porches on Halloween and smash them in the streets (This is from my past)

Intuition: "I can't do this, it's not right"
Ego: "I have to, if I don't, they will call me names, beat me up"

Everything happens for a reason and your crossdressing is no different. Your answers are in your past, you just have to be strong to look back and find the answers, not just what dressing, but with everything. Like you, i started early around the same age. Went through phases, a few years in my teens, then nothing for 10 years because I tried to run from it, hating myself for doing it. Then it hit me again out of nowhere in my mid 20's for another couple years, same result, eventually stopped from hating myself and the constant question of why do I do this? 15 years later (now) it's back, but it's different.

Using my intuition, I decided to go back and write down my memories as they came to mind, without thinking or analyzing the thoughts, just write them as they came. When I was done (87 pages later) everything changed. I saw things I never saw before and I developed an understanding of everything that had happened to me. It was what allowed me to truly forgive and let go of all my baggage. After splitting from my wife (dressing had nothing to do with it, didn't dress the entire time) I moved out and live alone. The question of dressing came up again. I decided to face my fear with it and try it again, purely for the fact of trying to understand it. Long story short, I uncovered memories I had buried from my early childhood years and also realized that in the phases I dressed, where all dark very lonely times. I learned I ran to dressing for comfort for various reasons. Now, I do it one in a while simply because I enjoy it, I enjoy the illusion. being an artist, it's a form of creation. My work on myself is not done as I continue to explore it to see what all of it means, but I have my answers from ym past and I am at peace for what it is and not afraid to see what it becomes or perhaps, eventually fades away. The more I learn about me as a whole, the less desire I have to dress. But this is just my story.

Looking within ones self is the absolute hardest thing anyone can do. It takes time and is like an onion, layer after layer. Peeling away each layer one at a time until you reach the core is how we come to peace with everything. Again, it's the hardest thing to do but is also the most rewarding. You sound like you are trying to do that and it also seems your wife if trying to help as well. Don't be afraid to face your fears, it' only you who can break them.

Feel free to ask me anything you like, I am an open book and hope this helps :)

xoxo

Soriya

[DanielleLee]

Hello and welcome Ikthys.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to find very little in the way of good advise for stopping or qutting. My opinion, is that the bulk of crossdressers on this forum have no interest in stopping or quitting. In fact, I think the majority of routine posters on here think that quitting and purging is a moral offense.

More often than not, lets say 90/10, an OP of a topic like this is told that quitting is impossible; purging is out and out just plain stupid and that they should just be themselves at the expense of everyone else.

I've seen many threads about stopping over the past few months. In a way it's quite ironic. The "girls" on here go out of they're way, to be supporting of other "girls" on here... as long as those "girls" aren't trying to quit and deny their true selves and the happieness that comes with the pink fog (don't ask. I'm still trying to figure that out) Again, there is a small percentage who will wish you well publicly and risk public flogging with a sequined boa. The other guys.... errr lurkers, like me, who quite honestly would be better off and happier without having the CD bug in their life... those fellas are just smarter than a 5th grader and know to keep their mouth shut. :doh:

Background: I'm married with two kids and I told my wife before we were married. I stopped dressing up about 3 years ago. Purged everything. Then... about 6 months ago... I stopped underdressing. I didn't get an ultimatum or anything like that. My wife didn't know that I did what I did. Quite honestly, she still hasn't said anything about it. I know she is happier about it and both of us are less stressed about me being found in women's underwear, or there being an awkward discovery of panties in my dresser by my children.

I don't know for sure if anyone can quit or stop being a crossdresser. I do know this... I can stop the behavior. I can put others (my wife's and childrens') needs above my own. That's what a good husband and father does. That's just my opinion, to which I'm entitled.

I'll put it like this, although this is sure to ruffle some knickers :eek:, if you aren't willing to walk through the department store with your wife and kids OR if that doesn't apply; another loved one like a Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother.... in full blown drag proudly declaring "This is me, hear me roar" I'm proud and not ashamed to be who I am, THEN maybe, just maybe, I think it's possible that there is a part of you that wishes you could make the whole thing go away, rather than cause your loved ones embarassment.

I guess that is my point... Sorry. I had to beat around five bushes to get here.... I just think that the good folks on this forum should be just as supportive to the people trying to quit, as they are with supporting the ones that are ready to get going and dress to the nines everyday.

[sterling12]

[QUOTE=JenniferR771;2376044]Hi Ickthys,
My therapist thought of it as compulsive sexual behavior, and suggested a book on sexual addiction by Patrick Carnes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Carnes

And he suggested come clean to my wife and tell her the truth, show her my stash of dresses and throw them all out and ask for her fogiveness. Promise no more lies or deceit. Plus:
1. Take responsibility for your actions
2. Commit to abstainance
3. Request for her to learn and understand[/QUOTe

Jennifer, you didn't tell us how it came out? Judging by your presence on this Forum, and your picture; I would imagine "not so well!"

To answer some of Iccky's Questions, I imagine you can find some Evangelical Group who will claim a "Cure" for Crossdressing. Heck, you might even give them a try, but remember "abstaining" is not curing The Situation. Like people in AA openly admit: "I've been clean and sober for many years, but I'm still an alcoholic, and will always be an alcoholic!" The only difference? Transgendered would seem to go much deeper into The Psyche than even The Addictions. Because...it's a part of you. Struggle all you want, but the odds are good that you are stuck with it!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[ikthys]

There are so many things you all are saying, and so many aspects to those things, that I would like to discuss! If I had the time, I'd individually reply to each of you...
As a newbie to this community, I certainly feel welcomed and accepted. I do want to clarify a couple of things:

1. For those who have visited my blog, I am definitely willing to admit some immaturity at various points in its expression. When I created its pages I was not in the same place I am now, and have not had time to update my articulations completely. For the most part it still carries my intentions well I think.

2. For those who wonder why I'm here. It is precisely because of the fact that I am trying to "overcome" my cding desire by owning up to it and working through it. Having a community of people who understand my background (whether they are all dead set against my intentions or not) is extremely valuable to me in this regard. I am willing to admit that I don't have it all figured out and nailed down and am trying to see how some open dialogue could aid in my journey... and maybe others' too.

3. My demeanor in my posts here is extremely cautious as I'm still quite unsure of what is "acceptable" or not. I do not want to be the bull in the china shop here. I do hope to be wide open in honest communication. Thank you so much in helping me get familiar. Whether I ever cd again or not, I am grateful to finally talk with people who "get it" when it comes to having this desire.

4. Special thanks to those who have, perhaps even to the point of personal pain, obliged my thread question and shared "counsel" they have heard or had whether good or bad, effective or not. I was just sorta hoping for a broad sweep to reference myself against :)

[SweetPea_GG]

I don't know for sure if anyone can quit or stop being a crossdresser. I do know this... I can stop the behavior. I can put others (my wife's and childrens') needs above my own. That's what a good husband and father does. That's just my opinion, to which I'm entitled.


I wanted to first off thank you for this post danielle out of all the other posts that have been on here it gives hope I think for someone who is looking for help and maybe a different kind of help then what "others think" would be good. It shows that there is someone else trying here in this forum and really they arnt alone here.. that there is someone similar like him who wants to stop and is trying to stop as well. I did however really like your one statment you made which I quoted.. it felt like it was from the heart and made me smile.

[Olivia2]

For those who wonder why I'm here. It is precisely because of the fact that I am trying to "overcome" my cding desire by owning up to it and working through it. Having a community of people who understand my background (whether they are all dead set against my intentions or not) is extremely valuable to me in this regard. I am willing to admit that I don't have it all figured out and nailed down and am trying to see how some open dialogue could aid in my journey... and maybe others' too.

I'm here because I consider myself part of this community and I'm also always trying to learn more about myself by hearing the stories of others. I'm not actively dressing at this time but I know I am part of a community with which I have much in common. It is always good to know I'm not alone with my joys, desires, fears, frustrations, and a whole spectrum of other feelings although mine and each of our experiences are unique to us and not exactly like anyone else's here.

Still I can learn and I always try to be supportive of others, wherever they are in their lives' journeys. I think you can see from most of the posts here that you are welcome and most are willing to share their perspectives. Keep posting or at least reading as you are part of this community as well. I don't have anything to add that hasn't been well put here but if I have any thoughts after reading your blog, I'll add my :2c: as well.

[Jonianne]

.....Having a community of people who understand my background (whether they are all dead set against my intentions or not) is extremely valuable to me in this regard.....

ikthys, I think you will find that the people on this forum are about the best you will find and most all will support you in your desire to stop, if that is what it takes to make you happy. So don't think for a second that "they are all dead set against my intentions". One thing we have learned from having a healthy interaction with each other, is that there is no "one size fits all" for everyone. Everyone is an individual and must find their own path in life. Soon you will have enough posts that you will be able to PM with likeminded and even not-so-likeminded others.

[GingerLeigh]

Keep really busy with other hobbies, the family, work, projects etc... You'll be so busy you cannot even think of dressing. Be warned though, being this busy can be terribly stressful. It works, but not indefinitely. Eventually the stress gets to be too much and like a dam breaking in your mind you'll be awash in the need to crossdress. Forget about the "pink fog" you'll be wading in the pink ocean! This is what happened to me. I was able to subdue my desires for what seemed to be a long time, but I finally snapped and began anew but with even stronger desires. This is when I joined this site to get some kind of support/help because I could no longer handle the guilt.

Ginger.

[Mackenzie]

I think there have been some great responses. I like Cari's suggestion. Box your stuff up and put it away for a while and see what happens. I have "purged and re-purchased" 5 times for various reasons. Trust me, that gets really expensive and you feel like an utter idiot starting all over again.

If you would have asked me 15 years ago if I would ever cross-dress, I would have assured you that there was no possibility of that happening. I can't explain how/why about the enjoyment of expressing my femme side as Mackenzie. I've tried to explain to my wife but more find myself rambling. She totally accepts me for who I am.

In my experience, it's sort of like a switch I can flip at times. I am not obsessed with dressing, nor am I miserable when I am not en femme. I enjoy being a man, and doing man things. I love to hunt, fish, backpack, get rough with the grandsons, take the next adventure, etc.

But, I love to slow down, have gentle times of dressing and allowing the "other side of me" to show. Many will not understand why you enjoy dressing en femme. I understand that because at one time I would not have understood had you tried to explain to me.

Think of this. A woman can wake up, put on jeans, tennies, t-shirt, absolutely no makeup, and put on a ball cap and go and do anything she pleases and nobody thinks a thing of it. She is totally dressed as a man... she is a cross-dresser but society says it's ok, maybe even cute.

A man gets dressed and looks really good maybe as a woman and he just may get beat up if he is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Really strange society that we live in!!!

I hope that you find some help and constructive advice here on the forum.

Mackenzie

[herwannabe]

Good Luck in your endeavor to attempt to quit. If that is what you really want then I wish you the best. We will never know because if you do succeed you will never be back, you wont have the need to come back, but if you fail you WILL be back, and we here will welcome you back with open arms, you may quit for a a few weeks or months or even years but from what I have read over the years once bitten your bitten for life there is no changing back.

And as Geneva said >> I stopped stopping to stop,as I just could not stop.so gave up stopping

Sincerely

Michelle

[Tina B.]

Ikthy, some of us went into the military to prove we could be real men, some of us ran to the church trying to find a way to fight the devils curse, we have hidden in university and tried to educate it away, but in the end you can't hid from yourself, if it's in you, it needs to come out, and if it's not in you, just quit acting silly and cut it out, you don't need it. But like so many of us, if you do truly have a deep feminine side, how do you find happiness in life and ignore that part of who you are? Balance, of the ying and the yang, that is where true happiness lies.
Tina B.

[Terrigirl]

I can only speak from my experience. I have tried so many times to stop on so many occasions and I was depressed everytime. The one thing that I know now is that it isn't the dressing that makes me a crossdresser/transgendered, it is who I am inside regardless of the clothes. I think and feel both male and female all of the time. If I see a beautiful woman, my man side is like, she is hot, however my femme side thinks, I love her hair and make up and those shoes are to die for. Both sides are so intertwined that there is no way I could stop or pretend that my femme side doesn't exist. Instead, I look for some kind of balance that satifies both sides of who I am.

[MiamiMarie]

Oh Itkthys, I understand you wanting to answer the question of "why do I want to?" I would strongly recommend you find a psychiatrist to learn the answer. No one knows why some people are transgendered, but dressing is just a form of self expression, it's how you communicate how you feel about yourself and your sexuality and how you want others to view you. You can remove the symptom (probably not successfully or happily), but I've never heard of one person able to remove the cause.

As a GG who has heard at least 1 million and 1 fellow sisters cry about how they were with men who promised to stop and never did (they just became better liars or hiders), I hope if you are doing this in any way to please a woman that you think twice, as you could be setting unrealistic expectations that lead to much greater dissappointment.

A better question would be, why should you stop something that is natural to you? Let's say you are 7 feet tall but your woman, your family, and society as a whole is completely turned off to tall people. You could walk hunched over every day, but eventually you will need to stand up and stretch.

[NatieBe]

You'll Be Back !!!

[Starla]

Getting in late with my two cents...

There is nothing wrong with taking a break from CDing -- it's healthy, and helps you get your bearings. In my own case, I wish I had pulled over to the side of the road and taken a reflective break more often, and perhaps I wouldn't have driven down the wrong highway for as long as I did, and I might still be an active CDer.

If you do stop, or take a break, make sure it's not from guilt, because there is no reason to feel that way. But if things are just getting a bit too intense, or confusing, feel free to step away from the skirts for a time.

As far as stopping completely, while I agree that there is some validity to the "once a CDer, always a CDer" theory, there are some people who do it for a time, then walk away from it. I haven't dressed in over a decade, largely because of burnout (or "girlout") from having unwisely attempted to transition when I had no business doing so, but also due to economic, residential, health and personal factors that make the notion rather problematic. Do I still consider myself a crossdresser? Yes, I do. Will I ever dress again? Maybe, given the right combination of situational factors. I have a mixture of both fond and remorseful memories of my "Pink Period," but I do not have the urge currently to don any feminine finery.

In your case, walk away for a time if you feel the need to do so, but be open to the urge reasserting itself.

[k lynn]

All I can say is good luck wish you the best

[kendallsan]

I feel bad for you, Ikthys. It feels like you want to stop for all the wrong reasons. None of them seem to genuinely be because YOU want to stop. They all seem to be external. Your wife, your religious feelings, what you feel society thinks about you - nothing about YOUR feelings on dressing, which you seem to enjoy. It all seems rationalized to external influences. I'm not saying those external things aren't important, just that you don't seem to have taken your own feelings into account.

I also noticed that you tend to disassociate yourself from the subject - you write very distantly, as though you are on the outside of your own life looking in. It's like you want to be objective and merely comment on your life as though it is someone else's life, rather than really experience your own. It made me very sad for you. I fear you are not allowing yourself to feel anything in order to avoid facing your true feelings.

However, since you are clearly in some pain over this, my suggestion is that you look at this as you would any other behavior you want to change. Frankly, the only thing that has really ever shown any efficacy in the long run is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. It's a long-term process and can take years and you have to do the work - it's not easy. But if you do the work and have a good therapist it's possible. I have had success using CBT with a crippling phobia, and I know people who have had success with quitting smoking through CBT. There are tons of other examples. Something to consider, and just my two cents.

The argument that crossdressers are born this way, so you should just embrace it and feel free to be who you want - I find that to be a double-edged sword. What else can you argue that about? People are born gay, or pedophiles, or serial killers, or artists. Of those four choices, only two are acceptable in my opinion. Just because you are born a certain way does not necessarily mean it's good or that you should accept it in yourself. I was born with a predisposition to be fat - I fight that every day and no one sees anything wrong with that.

If you truly want to change, Ikthys, you probably can. But unless it's something you truly want, and want for yourself, it's unlikely you will succeed. There is nothing wrong with being a crossdresser, but you seem to have convinced yourself, through multiple external influences, that it is very wrong. These external influences are huge, but still - it just doesn't sound to me like this is truly YOUR choice.

Whatever the outcome, I hope in the end you find a way to be happy. That should be your end goal, really. Good luck!

[missyvf]

My 2 cents...I don't think anyone can ever truly stop. If you are going to purge my suggestion is to stash everything away somewhere because ultimately you'll want to come back to it. Even for a short period. I have come to terms that I will always want to dress in some capacity at some time. It kills me how much I've gotten rid of over the years...and the money spent.

[CandyDarling]

I wish I could quit. I wish I could even get more control.

[sissystephanie]

Stopping crossdressing is easy!! All you have to do is quit dressing! Of course that means that you have to have the mindset that you really want to quit, which is the major problem with my first two statements.

I am probably putting my foot in my mouth saying this, but I believe there are very few CD's on this Forum who have the mental wherewithall to stop if they desire. I know I do, because I did stop completely some years ago. Yes, I am now dressing again because my late wife begged me to!! But if my children, or my GG friend asked me to stop I would. I may not like it, but I know that I have the willpower to stop!

To the best of my knowledge, no CD is being forced to dress enfemme. He, or she, does it because they want to!! If you REALLY want to quit, you can. It just takes some willpower!!

[Rianna Humble]

Stopping crossdressing is easy!! All you have to do is quit dressing!

As with all simplistic generalisations, this may apply to some members of this community but certainly not to all

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

To the best of my knowledge, no CD is being forced to dress enfemme. He, or she, does it because they want to!! If you REALLY want to quit, you can. It just takes some willpower!!

Willpower, plus accepting that by denying an integral part of your personality, you risk serious psychological problems, particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Willpower, plus accepting that by denying an integral part of your personality, you risk serious psychological problems, particularly depression and suicidal tendencies.

very true alice. People in general forget that we are physical,mental, and spiritual creatures. Making a change in any one area reflects in the others as well. counseling is a great start. A good counselor will foucus on 1 question "What do you hope to acieve with counseling?" then will assist you in obtaining those goals as safely as possible.

[Rachel05]

I have tried to stop at certain times, but for me it didn't work, it made me feel miserable and I missed dressing, it took me a lot of years to accept me but I am there now and have never been happier and I know that I couldn't stop because it is a part of who I am and now thank goodness a part I never doubt or worry about

[JustAlex]

I don't think stopping is a problem (wait! keep reading). It's something you do by yourself, so you can just not do it. In fact, it's a lot easier not to do it than doing it.
The problem is dealing with the anxiety you get for not doing it.

The biggest mistake is to focus on CDing and not the anxiety. If you keep your focus on CDing, it's going to be in your mind all the time and your desire is not going to fade away. If you focus on controlling your anxiety, you're more likely to succeed.
Staying busy is a good choice, at least a positive choice. I'm not in favor of therapies, most would focus on the crossdressing as the issue and it's not. Or stuff you in medicine to control your anxiety, not a good choice either.

I stayed out of crossdressing over long periods of time. Just did my best to keep it out of my mind by focusing on work and studies.
And it's not that I "fell off the wagon", I decided to keep doing something that I like to do.

[SweetPea_GG]

The biggest mistake is to focus on CDing and not the anxiety. If you keep your focus on CDing, it's going to be in your mind all the time and your desire is not going to fade away. If you focus on controlling your anxiety, you're more likely to succeed.
Staying busy is a good choice, at least a positive choice. I'm not in favor of therapies, most would focus on the crossdressing as the issue and it's not. Or stuff you in medicine to control your anxiety, not a good choice either.


I think this is good advice for those who 'want" to try and stop or take breaks from CDing.. Its nice to see responses that arnt just "oh you cant stop etc" i think it does have to do alot with willpower and training your mind and such.. but im not expert lol just a outsider looking in.

[Carly D.]

I would say depending on how long you have been dressing up and when the urge came forth and all things considered that stopping will figure into the equation.. That line of B.S. aside, the truth is quitting sounds so easy and everyone who says therapy will cure you is.. B.S. as well.. You have to want to stop and YOU have the control mechanism to do just that.. I swear quitting is very easy, I've quit many times but staying that way.. Well let me be the first to wish you luck.. Just remember, pantyhose feels so good.. Shoes are the bomb.. The wind blowing up your skirt... hmmmm....

[WillowWriter]

Something I learned here is that you need to except it. I've tried to quit before, but it just keeps coming back. I Googled quitting crossdressing and it said for majority of people it hardwired to their brain. If you can quit that's good, but if you can't you can find ways to live with it.