What have you done

[Michelle 51]

Most of us know we're different from an early age.We often do things to mask that and also to prove that we're like all the other guys.Aside from drug and alcohol abuse
and fighting often because we hurt on the inside what have you done to prove yourself.I'm not proud of it now but when I was 18 I had an affair and then ran away with a married women.That is not uncommon except in my case I did it just to show I was one of the guys.I didn't care for this women .I just needed to prove to myself mostly and others that I was a real MAN.The sad part is it's the only time I rememder my father patting me on the back and being proud of me.I"m just starting to look behind the mask I've wore for 50+ years.

[StephanieDragg]

Looking back to keep up with boys I found myself drinking alot, some fights yes, tattoos, and mostly my relationships with girls and women ended terribly as I didn't understand how I fit in, I felt like I was constantly questioning my sexuality, even after I was married I had to show what I man I was by having affairs with other women.

[KrystalA]

Well, Michelle, I think we've all done things we regret, but don't beat yourself up over it. It's in the past, and you're better off looking to the future.

[sissystephanie]

I guess I might say that I have not done anything really special to prove that I am a MAN, or anything else. The way that I was raised, mostly by my father since my mother died when I was very young, was that if you act like a man at all times you don't have to prove that you are one!

I have been a CD since a very young age, but have never wanted to actually be a woman. I did become a top radar operator when in the U.S. Navy, and have reached the pinnacle of success in several positions that I have held. But my biggest achievement has to be the way I am seen by friends. Those who know me only as a male all seem to think that I am a great man, while those who know me as Stephanie also think that I am really "cool."

[SuzanneBender]

Luckily my attempts to exercise the female demon that dwells inside never resulted in any really bad behavior. OK well there were some things as a teen that were pretty stupid in order to prove to myself that I was one of the guys, but those charges never stuck! :heehee: For the most part I actually look fondly on most of the things I did to "prove" my masculinity and am thankful that I was blessed to have been given those opportunities. Here are a few:

Marriage: I think almost all of us to a person believe that love will "cure" our transgender souls and make us whole men. I have only had a few relationship in my life with women. I was the guy that was always going steady. I am so lucky that love led me to my Bride. I never believed that someone like me could ever attract someone like her. Marrying her was bound to make me happy for the rest of my life and therefore provide the cure. Well it did make me happy for the rest of my life, but I am still who I am.

Children: OK marriage didn't solve this issue. The unrequited love of children has to make all of this go away. No luck. Again it made my life happy and fulfilled, but I am still who I am.

Sports: The small skinny boy that was late to puberty and feels like a girl in his heart must prove himself on the field of battle known as sport to earn masculinity. I worked hard and became a pretty decent athlete. No luck all it got me was a few trophies, a knee that locks up, some great memories (and some not so great), but I didn't make me feel like anymore of a man.

Career: Hmmmmm if I choose a really tough career like the Army and then choose a really tough area to specialize in where the guys are all truly manly men that will remove any transgender impulses I may have. Not so much. I have had a great career. Many of the gifts in my life are due to my service. I love the feeling of making a sacrifice for the betterment of the greater good. But at the end of the day no change I am still me.

My worst behavior concerning all of this was due to the internal conflict I had concerning my guilt for not making all of this go away for my loved ones. I almost lost all of those good things I listed above in my life because I could not reconcile that I am me. Now I have and things are much better now.

Bottom line we have all done things to try to exercise something that actually may just be the source of the best parts of each of us. The past is past. Atonement is not always possible and I find that the best way to atone for any past discretion is to focus on the future.

[Stephanie Miller]

Forgive me Father, for I too have sinned.

[Kaz]

Stephanie, this pic is way too cool! I just love it!

Michelle... it is a strange life we have led isn't it? And in our 50s, we wish we could do it again and get it right?

If I knew then what I know now, and all that jazz!!

Having said that, Ian Dury (UK Rock God) put it this way... sex and drugs and rock and roll... are very good indeed!

[JamieTG]

I joined the military to prove I was a real man. Although I joined for the wrong reason I'm glad I had that experience.

[Megan Thomas]

Forgive me Father, for I too have sinned.

Aww... That pic is too cute :)

[Veronica Lacey]

I feel fortunate in that I was involved in a lot of sports. Friends and family could see I was "all male" via my accomplishments right up to about age 20 when I "retired" from competitve sports.

As a kid I was quite boyish - teased the girls, dared my friends, wrestled with my brother - even though I saw something special in female activities and clothes.

[Charleen]

Yeah, I went the drugs and alcohol route. Also joined the Air Force, mostly to avoid to avoid being drafted into the Army. went into various construction jobs to be a "man".

[ChanDelle]

Steph, what a precious picture!!!! Totally forgot what I was going to say...

ChanDelle

[jennifer easton]

Same here, in fact I've thought about telling my ex wife, my son's mother why I was always so mad, and that she took a lot of attitude for the way I felt inside and could not deal with it, waaay back in my teens and 20ties, and all the drinking I did to escape what I was feeling inside, along with the fights, and the run'n with the guys instead of spending time with the family, not proud of it but that was 40 years ago, a lot of water has passed under a lot of bridges since then, like I said I thought about it, but then I thought NAAAA!!! no point now( cluck! cluck! cluck!) Jenni

[Genivieve]

This is such an interesting way of looking at it. I've had a lot of reckless behavior that sprouts from time to time and when I really think about it recently it all stems from my hidden desires. My craziest impulse I have to say was a very bad decision...I met some transgendered girls at a bar who looked perfect. They had a famous music producer with them and he liked me.
He bought me shots of tequila all night and after closing time we were to meet up at his Hollywood house. He said we could do whatever whenever and it was all cool the girls worked for him.
I had never ever done anything like this before even with "real" girls or people I knew much less strangers. I was about to throw myself in a very unstable situation. Like a fool I got in my car then got arrested for a DUI.

I'm still dealing with the consequences. I realize though when I have an outlet and can be open I feel much more at peace.
I live my life feeling like a liar or deviant. In reality though I cannot be honest with those around me because like it or not people still see crossdressers and transgendered people like they are werewolves or worse pedophiles.

[Marcia Blue]

I always sucked at athleltics, avoided drugs and alchohol. Was not a fighter. I looked more fem than not. Enjoyed being around the girls, as much, or more than the guys.

I always had a girl friend. I really got into cars, getting my hands dirty, and keeping them running well.

A lot of people in school thought I was gay or "something". I never really worried about it, I was comfortable being me. I am still in the closet, except to my wife, and CDing friends.

[Christinedreamer]

I was never interested in sports although I did try-sort of. The first problem is that I had a "lazy eye" so I was always kidded about looking somewhere else aside from the person I was talking to. That condition also affected my depth perception so I could hardly ever hit a ball or catch one.
Factor in that my dad took me with him every chance on shows etc where he was handling the audio visual requirements. This started for me at age 6. I was naturally inclined to all things mechanical and electrical. This was not at all common for kids in that era and I became quite good at it. I was the kid in 3rd grade who could easily run the 16mm projector, reel to reel tape decks, the auditorium sound system and as a result, I was frequently called out of class to set up and operate the gear. In 6th grade I actually was allowed to repair the school's all call PA system. This set me really apart from the rest of the kids in that the teachers gave me a LOT of extra attention and privileges.
Add in my slightly larger "fluffy" physique and my hatred of loud noise such as crowds at ball games and you can see where I moved even further away from sports.

At this age I had already developed a serious affinity for the soft frilly things my older sisters had. I had only one friend at the time that I trusted with that information and it turned out he liked it too. We played dress-up on numerous occasions.

As time progressed, I became more and more of a loner and spent all my time aside from school building all kinds of electronic gadgets and working with my dad on the weekends at the shop.

One major positive thing about all this is that my hearing is excellent for a guy my age as I have avoided most anything unnecessarily loud and being in the AV industry has afforded me opportunities to be a part of historic happenings in the DC area and to work with some fascinating people.

On the down side, I pretty much built my life as a loner and have had a limited number of social circles etc to move in. I did the usual 20 something drinking but never enjoyed being drunk for the sake of being drunk as many do. I never smoked or did drugs. My hobby and job (same thing for me) took up the majority of my time. As a result, my likes and dislikes in entertainment and music never really jived with my peers and my circle of friends was fairly limited.

I even started proceedings to enlist in the Navy at age 32 and specialize in electronic warfare on submarine duty. I thought it would give me opportunities to "man up", see the world and get some great experience as well as develop some true friendships. Sadly just three days before I was to sign up (passed all the tests with flying colors) I got involved in another small AV project and that led to a chance meeting in the industry here in L.A.and then another, etc and I let the nNavy idea die a quiet death.

I even parlayed my electronics knowledge into free admission and/or drinks at many drag shows like the Queen Mary and several on the east coast. I was always the "guy who can fix anything electrical" and that gave me less in common with the people I wanted to identify with: crossdressers.

I had my eye straightened at age 35 so at least THAT issue doesn't pop up all the time.

Now at this age, I sometimes lament that I was never really on the "inside" or developed interests in sports etc., but it is what it is. So I never watch ball games (can't stand the screaming/noise of the crowds), the popular "reality" shows, or what passes for entertainment nowadays. That sort of puts a distance between me and many others I would otherwise associate with.

But hey, if it's electrical or electronic, I can build it, fix it, or modify it. Now if I could just do it in that gorgeous white dress!

[Vickie_CDTV]

It is interesting to see how differently people deal with this, and how I seem to be an exception. My issue wasn't just my desires to crossdress, but issues about being an inadequate a loser in general; I was really fat, short, sickly, socially awkward etc.

I had absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever and I was a total joke when I tried. Never did drugs, I grew up in a rural area and I never saw or was exposed to illegal drugs growing up. As far as girls go, being an awkward and inadequate male, none of them wanted anything to do with me in a romantic way. (My old man didn't care, I had the exact opposite experience as the OP, he warned me if I ever got a girl pregnant he would beat me to within an inch of my life, throw me out of the house and disown me as it would be an embarrassment to the family.) I really had no "macho" way of escaping, eve if I wanted to it wasn't possible.

How did I deal with it? I became introverted and isolated myself from others. When I was a kid, I was really into computers and had various geeky type hobbies I really got into (comic books, video games, etc.); various ways to escape from reality by using my imagination I suppose. I only had a few friends growing up, and they were kinda socially awkward and geeky just like me. I kept to my limited social circle and stayed there and avoided other males.

The downside to this, like other ways people cope, is while it served a purpose and protected me, it carried over to my adult years long after. I am still this way and in life it has been very limiting, I am still very introverted and avoid people (especially strangers) and something I have had to struggle to overcome as an adult.

[Renee_E]

My biggest attempt to break into the boys club was when I joined the U.S. Marine Corps. The Marine Corps builds men. Whoops! that didn't work either.

[Virgin1A]

Hi Michelle,
I did two things to deal with my "tendencies". One; I developed an iron will to keep all the different threads of my life separated. I've kept this going, pretty successfully I think, for over 40 years. Two; I read lots and lots of books, trying to work out just where I fitted in the human spectrum. By good luck, my curiosity was burgeoning in the late 60's and early 70's when the concept of androgyny was getting a lot of attention. Thank you, David Bowie! BTW, I don't subscribe to the androgynous idea these days more but it was a useful reference point at a time of personal uncertainty.

[Tina B.]

The Navy, fast cars, drugs and alcohol, and when it was all over, I'm still happiest in a dress. Oh yeah, and thirty years trucking.
Tina B.

[VanessaVW]

Count me in with the alcohol in my 20's croud. Trying to over-compensate and "be a man".

[MichelleP]

Army - 18 delta - uurrrraaaa. Spent part of the 80's in godforsaken places trying to be manly. Got a tattoo that I've since had removed - It's all water under the bridge now. It seems like a thousand years ago and another person.

[Diana L]

I fell for the USMC builds men slogan too.

[Lorileah]

Spent most my life trying to prove I was really a guy...failed miserably at the macho part. Didn't do the drinking and carousing part much, lusted after women, Saturday sloth, Sunday forgiveness as they say. Played sports, did stupid things, but had fun. But is general nothing was really being macho, I just wanted to be liked by guys and women. Then came my 30's and I did what I wanted and no one really cared. I slipped into my androgynous self mostly.

[GaleWarning]

All my working life, my colleagues have been mostly female. Thinking back on my early life, although I attended an all-boys school and played rugby, my mother made me go to dancing classes and I quickly realised that in order to dance with the best-looking and most able partners, one had to be brave and ask first. My shyness had to evaporate!

I don't really know why, but I have always understood that people are people first, and that the things we have in common are more important than the things which make us different from one another.

My personality is androgynous.

[Nancy (PA)]

I played very sport there was, fished, camped, hiked (not too many fights), served in the armed forces, but always, ALWAYS< did it because I loved doing it, not to prove anything. Didn't feel like I had to. It was completely separate from my girlie tendencies.

[Sarah Doepner]

I didn't participate in activities just to prove my manhood, but I did wear a mustache for many years partly because I didn't want to look girly. Finally, I discovered that even when I did my makeup, wore a wig and dressed en femme I still looked like a guy. Silly me. The mustache was a bandaid on a broken leg, didn't really do a thing and wasn't needed. I was just playing a joke on myself.

All the guy stuff I did just because I enjoyed it. Still do most of those things for the same reason, but I'm much more comfortable with the girl stuff now.

[t-girlxsophie]

never tried to prove I was more manly than the next guy,i played football,play fought and rode my bike when i was a youngster,And When I became a young adult I still watched and played Footy.I Drank,chased women and spat n swore like the nexy guy,It wasn't to try and mask my feminine feelings,it was just being a guy ,Glad I found my Feminine side since then tho which has enriched my life,because Damn it was hard work growing up a Guy in the West of Scotland LOL

:hugs:Sophie

[KristaE]

Wow, it's hard to really even talk about all the self-destructive things I've done. Mostly it is things I've done to myself (gaining weight, which I think I might have been doing intentionally/subconciously to make myself less attractive, so maybe I won't want to dress... hasn't worked so far) or how I talk to/treat others (a bit more subtly biting than I need to be). A big part of the problem is that I've made certain (what I would consider "non-femme") attitudes part of my everyday behavior (beligerence, mostly... I am in some ways emulating my father, who I actually respect a lot). I'm hoping that as I explore my femme aspects more, I'll allow these aggressive attitudes to subside. I'm hoping to be able to get a full-day of CDing out on the town either later this month or next month. We'll see how I feel after that.