Mom I know dad's a crossdresser

[Michelle 51]

Well I guess it had to happen but I didn't need it right now.My wife sat me down last night and said that our oldest daughter had called and wanted to talk to her.Over the holidays at our home she was on my pc and found my sites.I keep my history deleted so I messed up some how plus she had no business snooping but thats another issue.She said to her mother that I know dads a crossdresser now and thats why he got his ears pierced etc etc etc.My wife didn't say no which is as good as a yes.I'm hurt my daughter wouldn't come to me with this.I'm not hiding no more.Life is too short so I have to sit her down and try to explain who I am and hope she can except it.When I'm done with her I got 3 more to do.Anybody thinks being Tg is great God Bless you but I'd trade it in for a dime anyday.Any advise is welcomed
Michelle

[Tricia Lee]

Not sure I have any advice to offer. My wife and I told two of our four kids about a month ago. It went well, and we haven't had any other issues with it so far. My kids took it in stride for the most part.

It was a complete surprise to them though, so they didn't find out accidentally.

I hope your daughter will be OK with it too!

[Mackenzie]

Michelle,
A similar thing happened to me this past summer when our 14-year old put away shoes in my wife's and my closet and saw three wigs on their stands and female clothing that she had never seen my wife wear. She then contacted her older sister, married and out of the house. That sister, 21-years old, came over and saw everything; makeup, clothing, wigs, shoes, etc.

Well, the 21-year old called me and wanted answers. However, she was quite vague and did not directly ask about cross-dressing. I thought she was referring to a squabble that her mom and I were having. (We rarely ever have a sqabble, so when there is one, the kids are really wondering what's up.)

I told our daughter that she needs to ask mom because "she started it". Which, in the case of the squabble, that was totally true. Well, the daughters did ask my wife, who told them, clearing up the issue and somewhat addressing the cd-ing, that mom and dad have ways of expressing their intimacy and this was part of it. She told them that it was not their business to be in our room or closets and they can also talk to their dad.

Our kids (all four), know that we passionately love them and one another. I would never, ever lie to them and therefore if they would ask me, I would lay things on the line to them. So far, none of them have come to me.

So, regarding your situation, the best policy is honesty tempered with overflowing love and understanding for the response that your children may have toward the situation. Whatever you do, keep your family together and, though I hate to put it this way, "be the man!".

Mackenzie

[suchacutie]

You sound in a bit of a panic, and I can understand how that might be. But... being tg is not illegal, after all. I can completely understand that she contacted your wife. If your wife was found to be a F2M tg I'm sure your daughter would have contacted you.

I don't know your home situation, but if your daughter is at all representative of the current generation I expect that she might find it..well..fascinating! When she stops to think about it she should suddenly realize that her dad understands a lot more about her that she could have ever imagined, and it's still the same you that she's known forever.

Take the high road. There's nothing to lose by doing so. Honesty and positive confidence!

And best wishes!

tina

[Jenny Doolittle]

My wife says I look through "rose colored" glasses and calls me Mary Poppins, but I try to always look for the bright side of a situation. Now that the cat is out of the bag, the fear of discovery you have dealt with may now be gone.

I know I had felt as you that the "curse" of cross-dressing is one I would wish on no one.... but now I view my desire to indulge my alter-ego as a wonderful opportunity to experience life that few others have a chance to experience.

I hope all goes well with your family and someday you may feel differently about the gift God has granted you.

[Michelle.M]

I'm hurt my daughter wouldn't come to me with this.

Well, of course she didn't come to you. Her perception of you has been challenged and it has been altered forever, and deep inside she knows there's no going back. Right now she's hurt and confused and let's be honest, you are the reason why. That's why she went to Mom. She's trying to make sense of this so she went to a safe haven.

I am not criticizing you. All of us will eventually have to deal with this if we haven't already. But we have to remember there are other people affected by our decisions, and we either have to be responsible and take care of those people or avoid that responsibility and do nothing. The only way to do the second thing is to live a secret life, and secrets don't stay hidden forever.

Your daughter just got a wallop right between the eyes and she's hurting. I know you love her and can make this better for her.

Let us know what happens.

[StaceyJane]

Just about exactly one year ago my daughter moved out of the house for good. When I was going through a file cabinet she left for me I found this letter.

"Dear Dad,
I just wanted to let you know that I know about you wanting to be a woman. i need you to know that i love you and support you. i want you to be happy with yourself and the life you live. I hope you're not upset but I read your blogs because mom told me about them months ago. It was really hard for me to come to the reality of it all. However I couldn't deny that once she told me a lot of things were clear to me or made sense. I think that it is the greatest gift you can give someone when you are true to yourself. I believe you owe that to yourself to live this life as you truly are. I don't know all the details to how you feel about it but I know that society and our background always makes it easy to be who we really arebut... The way I look at it is that it's my life. I will always lay myself down down at night alone or with company. I will wake always with myself the next morning regardless of who decides to stick around for the truth, Make yourself happy dad because when I look at you I can tell you're thinking about something and I can see the discontent in your eyes. Talk to mom because she knows and I think it would help to have your best friend there for you through major life changes such as being a TG.
I really hope it helps to know that you won't lose everyone to this and that it's never been a better time to let yourself be happy.


Of course I had a heart attack and a stroke at the same time when I found the letter but I did talk to my wife and family.
I can't say everything was all sunshine and chocolate chip cookies at first but soon after some long talks everything came out.

Today I'm out to my family which is wonderful. Last Christmas my daughter and her husband came to visit one night with the new grandbaby and I was en femme the whole time.

I hope you can find peace with your family too.

[Sara Jessica]

Michelle, I don't feel so qualified to offer any advice on this subject because it's a place I have yet to go with my own children. Yet it's a subject that worries me so here's my POV on the whole thing based on my personal experience.

There's the issue of hiding one's history in the computer, not something I do to be deceitful but rather to protect the kids from finding out about my essense by way of a web browser. There's having to hide the clothing, makeup, etc. The interference that is run by my wife and I when I go out...and the absolute pain it is to get out of the door in the first place without prying eyes seeing. Finally, there's the obvious, the steps I have taken over the last few years that further my feminine appearance on a daily basis (shaving legs, facial electrolysis, growing the hair long, etc).

I bring these things up because our children are a lot smarter and more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for. I would swear that my 13 y/o son knows something but nothing has been said.

Time will tell how this whole thing plays out in my life. I wish you the best Michelle in how you deal with your situation. Somehow, I have a feeling all will be fine.


Just about exactly one year ago my daughter moved out of the house for good. When I was going through a file cabinet she left for me I found this letter.

"Dear Dad,
I just wanted to let you know that I know about you wanting to be a woman. i need you to know that i love you and support you. i want you to be happy with yourself and the life you live. I hope you're not upset but I read your blogs because mom told me about them months ago. It was really hard for me to come to the reality of it all. However I couldn't deny that once she told me a lot of things were clear to me or made sense. I think that it is the greatest gift you can give someone when you are true to yourself. I believe you owe that to yourself to live this life as you truly are. I don't know all the details to how you feel about it but I know that society and our background always makes it easy to be who we really arebut... The way I look at it is that it's my life. I will always lay myself down down at night alone or with company. I will wake always with myself the next morning regardless of who decides to stick around for the truth, Make yourself happy dad because when I look at you I can tell you're thinking about something and I can see the discontent in your eyes. Talk to mom because she knows and I think it would help to have your best friend there for you through major life changes such as being a TG.
I really hope it helps to know that you won't lose everyone to this and that it's never been a better time to let yourself be happy.

And reading stuff such as this never fails to bring a tear to my eye as I mentally transfer any of my own chlldren as being the author of such a moving letter. I pray that if ever they come to know what is in my heart that I will find unconditional love and acceptance. Anything less would crush me.

[Julogden]

You need to have a heart-to-heart with your daughter, and then go from there. Maybe she'll be OK with it, maybe she'll have issues, but you won't know until you really talk to her and be sure to really listen to what she has to say on the subject. Don't make the discussion about you, you need to concentrate on her and how she is dealing with the "news".

Carol

[kimdl93]

My hope is that you can have a conversation with your daughter without being hurt that she didn't come to you first. She may have thought she was sparing you by talking first with your wife.

[Cynthia Anne]

My brother caught me in femme and blew his top! A few days later I called him to let him know that it is much easier to quit smoking (which I did, & he cant) than to quit c-ding!He listen! We are best of friends now! So I say talk with her! I sure hope it works out to the good for you, good luck to you from a sister!!

[Lorileah]

Once again I chime in with the "be honest early" chorus. 90% don't listen and then....

Your daughter is going through a "loss". in her life. when something comes out unexpectedly, it will take some time. She probably went to your wife first because 1) she is her daughter and closer to her than she has been to you (broad generalization) and 2) basically the father she thought she knew is now gone.

So begins the 5 stages of loss.

Denial- she went through this quickly. She saw whatever was on the computer thought, "no way" and then as she either went further or she processed things she concluded you were TG.

Anger- which is where she seems to be now. So she calls her mom and vents. Did mom know? How could you keep this from me? Is dad going through a stage? Want to be a woman....you know, all the things that get asked and you didn't have the chance to explain any of them, it fell on your wife. That, is the unfortunate part. Putting this whole load on someone else. This is why being honest early can be a better choice. YOU can explain what you feel.

Next will be bargaining- We see this when our spouses find out suddenly. Ok, you can wear that but not that and you can dress when the moon is in the seventh house. Don't ever ever dress again and you can stay with me. How this will effect your daughter? She will probably tell mom that she will keep quiet if dad promises to quit. Maybe she will say something like "Whatever you guys do is Ok in the privacy of your home but I don't want any part of it. She may tell you you have to quit to see the grand kids. A good bargain would be that she wants to part of your life more. Not all bargains are bad.

Depression- Maybe long maybe short. You have after all altered her perception of you. If she decides to accept you or at least ignore what she has found this stage can be short. Talking to her may help.

Finally we hope acceptance. You are not anything different than what you were before. When she realizes this and you come to a mutual bargain (see #3). Maybe things will work out.

It is my opinion that most of the early phases can be shortened by being up front and honest. Answer questions honestly and don't be embarrassed (to the best of your ability...after all we are all little kids inside and you just got caught). You don't have to flounce and throw your dressing in her face. You just have to discuss what you feel and try and understand how she feels. When you keep things hidden, you make it harder to explain. It adds questions that you now have to deal with. It can make you look worse because you kept this from her. I don't know when the right time is to tell. There is a wrong time to tell, puberty, but before or when they are adults seem like a good time. Now you are forced into the corner of explaining before she lets it slip somewhere else. As you said you have other children, and now would be a good time to set the record straight. try and get to stage 5 as soon as you can. The other stages just make life miserable.

[Pythos]

This will no longer be an issue if we would stop treating what we do like it is something that is to be hidden and shamed. Once the notion it is something that "stays in the bedroom" goes the way of the Do do, such posts will vanish.

But we all need to make those first steps.

If caught while hiding MAKE CLEAR why you hid, and from then on stop hiding. Accept no intolerance.

[Kathi Lake]

Sounds familiar. My son had come home from college and fired up my computer, with this site filling up the browser history (a mistake on my part). It was definitely something that made me pucker for awhile, but we seem to have worked through it. You can read about it here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?117371), and the follow-up here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?118787).

Wishing you the best as you convince your daughter that you're still the same wonderful, caring father you always were.

Kathi

[TxKimberly]

Sounds familiar. My son had come home from college and fired up my computer, with this site filling up the browser history (a mistake on my part). It was definitely something that made me pucker for awhile, but we seem to have worked through it. You can read about it here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?117371), and the follow-up here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?118787).

Wishing you the best as you convince your daughter that you're still the same wonderful, caring father you always were.

Kathi

My story was very much like Kathi's - I didn't clear my history, my son got on the PC, and he came to this very site.
My advice? Stop panicking - it doesn't help and may well be uncalled for. My son (At the time around 18 I think) thought it was no big deal.
My daughter also pinned me to the wall when she was about 6 - no problem with her either, in fact just a week ago she made a drawing of a woman and whispered in my ear as she handed it to me.
"This is you Daddy . . . " she whispered and then hugged me.
Tell your daughter the truth. Tell her it makes you happy. Tell her you never thought it was fair that only girls got to wear pretty things. Tell her that you love her and don't want her feelings for you to change. She may well be just fine with it but just wants to know about you.
So try and relax and just work your way through it.

[Being Paige]

Both my daughters know to some degree. We don't talk about it or hang out together, although I wish for that to happen. My wife too!
As for the computer, it is my own and is password protected.

[Kandi]

Three years ago after the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta I was On such a high that I told my 16 year old son the truth of were my wife and I were that previous week. I am blessed that even though I am a manly man he accepted my hobby and has never said a word about it. We still hunt whitetails and work on projects and are relationship is better then ever. I told him I loved him too much to try to lie to him. Now I dont have to hide everything all the time. Hope your family can love you for who you are.

[PretzelGirl]

Michelle, where you are at is a tough spot. You wanted to keep it from her and you lost control of the decision. Now you have no decision left in my opinion. Total honesty is what is called for. You love her and you don't want her hurt. You need to talk to her and let her know that you care about her and ensure that she can get all information directly from you. Don't hesitate, just do it. Hesitation just allows her time to get educated by the uneducated and then you have to fight to reverse those thoughts. It may hurt but it is where you are.

I always felt that with just one child at home that I only had to worry about her finding out. And I always treated all situations like she knew that way things wouldn't blow up on me. And above all, if she asked, I would be straight up with her. Never would I lie! Well an older sister of her's came back to town to live for a while and I and my wife decided we wanted to tell her and did. Then talking with that daughter and my wife, we decided it was time to tell the other because she had seen something. Now I still have a great relationship with my daughters and we do things together when I am him and when I am her (so to speak). What do I think is the magic formula? Well, a lot of luck, but that honesty is always key or the house of cards will come down.

[Michelle 51]

Just wanted to thank all you girls for caring and the advise.I'm just waiting for the right time to do this.Hugs Michelle

[JulieC]

If I knew where it was going to take me I probably would have put my mother's panties back.

Just saw that in your sig, and had to wonder; it's almost a nature/nurture sort of thing. Did you become a crossdresser because you tried your mom's panties, or were you a crossdresser before you tried them? If the latter, it wasn't her panties that took you anywhere; it was yourself.

[Helen_Highwater]

Is the reason your daughter called her mom is simply because she didn't know whether or not your wife knew about your dressing? This was a wonderful display of loyalty to her mother, a female bond. It may have been that she saw this in the same way as if she'd discovered you were having an affair. She wanted to protect her mom.
Yes she could have called you, a "leave this other woman before mom gets hurt" type speech but that in it's own way is so confrontational but also colludes with what she may have seen as a lie, a deception on your part. Your daughter had a very difficult choice to make. Either way see faced hurting on of you. Rather her than me in that situation. Let you wife explain firstly to her the situation and then bring your daughter into your confidence. I get the feeling all will be well

[Lucy_Bella]

Sorry to hear, time to bite the bullet now.. My days are numbered I am sure as I often think about how I would tackle the task of comming clean .. I have understanding children but that really is no reason to out myself to them..To me IMO it's not fair to them ( quilt showing up ) they deserve their image of a regular father not one who enjoys dressing up,thats just how I feel I know others will not on here.

I guess it would come from years of hidding it from them , but if found out I would do my best to better educate them about it.. What else can you do..? I will tell you this even if it'sok for them I will never dress in front of them..