The real story

[Pythos]

I first must appologize if this has been posted in the wrong section. I was not sure where to put, and I use this as the default. Please do not delete.

Okay.

I am finding that I am more naive than I had thought, and it is messing with my head. This post will be an explanation of the real me cause I think it will explain my current mess.

As a kid I never liked being told how to look. I also disliked being told that I could not wear skirts or have long hair, and yet there were girls going about with short hair and wearing pants. Similarly I hated how girls were excluded from my baseball team, or other sports activities. I noted very early in life this double standard which over time I have grown to despise.

But another constant in my life has been and will be aviation. I love airplanes, flying, and most...non-human aspects of it.

I grew up with a brother that loved to play music, and until one major event stopped my interest in that, which I regret to this day.

My appearance when I was allowed to was once again something my parents did not like. I wore sweat suits predominately. I am quite sure if Leggings had been around, I would have worn them as I do now.

In elementary days I attended a Catholic school. In my opinion if you really want to mess your kid up when it comes to many aspects of life, be sure to send them to a Catholic school :) I was constantly told that things I liked were pathways to hell...yet I was beaten up by bullies, that were not going to hell (what did I like? Music, art, by that time my want to wear skirts was suppressed)

Middle school I attended a public school, and compared to the Catholic school this was sooooo much better. No uniforms, no being forced to attend church, no hypocritical nuns. That being said...it still sucked. The goth, and head banger look was very common, and I of course was drawn to both, and would have pulled off a great mix of the two. However, I was made to wear khakis and nice shirts...and was mocked for it. My love of aviation was a motivating factor to continue on with life, cause frankly I hated living. I was picked on for being intellegent, as well as being able to fix most anything. I was mocked as "mr fix it".

Aviation really started to dominate my life. I loved classical music and heavy metal though, but the heavy metal I had to hide due to my parent's disapproval. Socially I was awkward due to my parent's demanding I be home almost right after school. This does no favors to a kid trying to "fit in".

High school was for me, as it is for others a great time of growing. For me it was quite repressed. I once again was made to attend school in clothes that only "geeks" wore. I was also made to be in the water polo team. This made any social time with my friends to be only on the weekends. This was quickly hampered by my having to get a job on. I got a job at the airport working for an aerial advertising company. This was mostly a summer job. So for the winter months I actually had social weekends.

On those weekends was when I was able to be myself. I was able to dress in the dark colors I liked, leggings had become a staple of my style, and computer games took hold. But most of this was still heavily repressed by my parents. I was made to keep my hair short, and when my mother first found a pair of my leggings she immediately called me a faggot. I do not know if she realizes the damage she did between her and I on that day, but I still feel the sting of the hatred in her voice.

When it came to girls, I got involved with one, I simply should not have. She seemed really cool....cause I was blind. Looking back, I hid my true self from her, and instead conformed to what she wanted. This is something I try not to do anymore, cause in this case it resulted in my heart getting ripped out and trod on.

Finally college. This is the time of my awakening. I am getting open into more areas of life. I am learning about religion on my own time, I am wearing what I like, listening to the music I like and not having to hide. Despite this, I found myself hampered when it came to social interactions. Every other weekend I am attending Rocky Horror, and loving it, my first outing in heels, makeup, and mini dress was due to this time. My first goth look was also this time (I did not do the usual Rocky type costumes, and aside from Riff Raff, did not like the male characters:)) This was also the period of time when I got to go with my friends to Goth clubs, and fell in love with the aesthetic. My jobs however along with school, prevented me from having too much more of a social life.

This has been a constant. It seems for a long time all I was doing was school and work, and when not, then I was sleeping. Looking back, I think I got horribly cheated.

I think I allowed aviation and the notions of people to control my life too much.

It is no wonder I have such knowledge, as I have when it comes to human sexuality, yet I also have the gaping maw of nativity when it comes to that topic as well. I knew of BDSM, I was also learning how much I liked to dress alternatively, and loved the Gothic look.

My parents loved me, and wanted me to be safe. But at the same time their efforts also severely hampered my mental and social development. I think this is what I am fighting with when it comes to my friend. I never knew women fantasizing with being raped or dominated. Frankly I thought dominating was only something done in fights or combat.

If you made your way through this jumbled mass of thoughts, I thank you for reading. Not sure what use it will be for you, aside from understanding me a bit more. I am an oddball, and I don't mind that. I do however mind some of the limitations of my knowledge, and consequently making seemingly judgemental statements.

[Jane P]

Hi Pythos, I just finished reading and felt I should say something. What use is this info to me? You are right probably not much , although I did find it interesting. But the you did not write this for me , or anyone else but yourself , and that is a great thing to do. Facing yourself (ourselves) is a difficult thing to do , and trying to understand and come to terms with who we are is very important. Some people shell out a lot of money to do what you just did , and I have the greatest confidence that it will be of benefit to you , which is the most important thing.

From what I have read in the past and today ,you seem to be a pretty decent person ,and I wish you well on your continued journey through this life.

[Sarah Doepner]

Pythos,
I think you are making great progress. I'm not trying to be sarcastic either. I felt much of the same as you did, but for years longer. Friends, enemies, parents, work, and society in general were controlling my life and not allowing me to gain the control I wanted. It never crossed my mind that early on that if I controlled my life I'd probably crash and burn within moments. I found refuge in a few things I loved and understood were acceptable to others. My level of naiveté in all things relationship made my personal life even more stressful and surprises common. It's important that you have accepted that your parents love you and want you to be safe. Having that established can move you out of the blame game, it's just what happened so now I can move on with life.
Good luck on your new relationship, but remember she is unique and the lessons you learn from her may or may not be transferrable to someone else later.
Enjoy life, from yet one more oddball.

[Kathi Lake]

I thank you for drawing aside the curtain a bit for me, Pythos. Being a boring sort of lass that listens to pop/80s, I'd often wondered what would draw people to the dark/goth world. To me, it seems like a place to belong when no other place would have you, almost. :)

Thank you for opening yourself up like this. That's how we grow closer.

Kathi

[JulieC]

Thank you for sharing all that! I read every word of it.

You're not an oddball. You're a human. We come in all forms, shapes, sizes, ethnicities, religions, outlooks, experiences, etc.,etc.,etc. Your tale is unique because it is yours, not because you're an oddball (which you're not). You can't help but approach the world through the prism of the life you have lived. You can make choices to change yourself, change your prism, change your thinking. But, you can't help being you.

And you are wonderful!

[Catina]

Hi Pythos,
Thanks for sharing your story. Seems like a lot of pain there as you worked on your special path to happiness and meaning in this life. I was especially curious about your relationship with the GF that "my heart getting ripped out and trod on" .... what was the lesson you learned there?
Meantime, as one who resides just across the Bay from you, perhaps we'll have a chance to cross paths sometime. I'm a member of the SVG (http://www.meetup.com/Silicon-Valley-Trannies/) in the San Jose area and we occasionally do a group visit to the big city for various events. Take care, Catina

[Lorileah]

Pythos, thanks for sharing. Not everything on this site needs to be of use for the reader, at that particular moment, but everything has a use eventually. This gave us insight into who you are. In this we can see common threads. Threads that can bind us closer together. We can also see the differences that have made you uniquely you. Your love for aviation shows you are a dreamer, someone who looks at things from a different angle. Like the aviation pioneers of yesterday, not willing to be bound to the earth. No matter how I try the idea of a heavier than air craft actually rising off the ground is a miracle to me ( The physics have been explained over and over again but just how does that giant vacuum suck the plane into the air???).

Your insights and opinions on these boards have often brought a new angle to view the "problem" that was posted. Don't fret over if someone doesn't get what you are saying. Keep giving your thoughts, you know there are some who may not get them now....but they will appreciate them later

[RACH99]

Wow... what an insightful post Pythos.

I can see you are having some struggles with all the learning you are doing. However, I think you are doing much better than you think you are. Most people have no idea that they are naive or have any learning to do in the first place. So :thumbsup: for knowing yourself well enough to see this. BTW learning is what living is all about hun so don't feel badly for not knowing all the answers yet... you'll get there and realize soon enough there is so much more to learn yet. :)

Please know that hardly anyone you talk to has an ideal childhood. We all have our demons to face and learning to do. There is no normal and no one had one of those perfect childhoods like the old TV sitcoms depect where all of life is solved in a thirty minute time slot and everyone feels loved and valued. Most of us still remember the disappointments and hurt of childhood and those teen years [best years of my life my ass ] And yeah, I think a lot of us feel cheated too. :hugs:

But ya know what? You don't need to keep those old feelings of loss, fear, anger or regret. Let them go and move on in life and live for what it has to offer now. If you don't see what you want in life then go out and find it. It's out there hun, just waiting for you to find it and take it. Sure it can be a struggle but anything worth having is worth that fight. Hell, reading your words I know for a damn fact you are a fighter.

And yeah, I made it though your post and learned a bit more about you in the process. So I took something away from this too. I got to know you better, and even better I like what I learned. You're one hellva' person. Keep on keeping on you'll get where you need to be sooner than you think.

Rach

[RachelPortugal]

Pythos,

I always look out for your posts. But this one tops the lot.

What a moving story. At no time was I tempted to give up on the long read. It is good to share such life experiences, if only for your own benefit. I can understand the Catholic school bit, having known someone who took the scars of 10 years in the so called care of the nuns to her grave. Coincidentally, the great love of her life was an aircraft mechanic, like you.

Fight on Pythos.

Rachael.

[Alice Torn]

I can relate. I am an oddball, from a very odd family, too. Two twin brothers in prison, mom with Alzheimer's, sister with rare disease called dystonia, can't talk clearly. Dad, a 90 yr old contolller , at times a tyrant over his adult kids, I was kept away from girls, as a boy, too, as was my dad. I have heard it can take 7 generations, before these curses are stopped. Sadly, our society system, is making it harder, and more and more confusing for boys and men, and more are ending their lives, or going mad, like in Arizona the other day. These are confusing times. Thanks for sharing! I always like airplanes, and drawing them, too, as did my older brothers, who are in prison.

[Amanda22]

Pythos, I always read your posts when I come cross them because it's obvious you are thoughtful. I think lots of us appreciate that. I spent the first 50 years of my life aiming to please others in order to be accepted. What a waste of time. My family disowned me completely and haven't heard from the ones who are still alive in decades. Such is life. You must hold yourself as the one who really matters. You're with family here. I completely respect you and value your contributions more than you know. If we lived in the same area of the country, I'd certainly meet up with you.

[sissystephanie]

Pythos, your story is absolutely great, in that you are telling it the way that you are living it! I certainly commend you for that. I do not agree with your thinking about Catholic schools, but you have the right to your own opinion as do I!! Both my children went to Catholic Elementary school, and my daughter went to a Catholic High School. She is a Registered Nurse, working as a Supervisor in a local Hospital. My son is an Insurance Agent, making a rather high 6 figure annual income! So I don't think the Nun's hurt either one of them. You have survived a lot in your life, and you seem detirmined to keep going. so go for it!!

BTW, just a personal note. Your avatar would look a lot better if you smiled!! The Goth look is O.K., but they do smile sometimes!

[2SpeedTranny]

Both my children went to Catholic Elementary school, and my daughter went to a Catholic High School. She is a Registered Nurse, working as a Supervisor in a local Hospital. My son is an Insurance Agent, making a rather high 6 figure annual income! So I don't think the Nun's hurt either one of them.


I would also wager that neither of your children fall outside of any cultural or cognitive norms.

Exceptionally bright or creative children always run afoul of educational systems that are not designed to serve the unique needs of the... unique... whether Catholic or public schools. Those schools are just fine for 99% of their students, but for those few with their heads in the clouds, such as Pythos, they are a miserable, stultifying conspiracy of troglodytes hellbent on extinguishing the merest spark of genius before it has a chance to exert its place in the universe. Classrooms of "peers" are not exactly a nurturing environment for non-conformity.

[Pythos]

Sissystephanie, I am very happy your kids did not experience the hell I did in Catholic school. They were fortunate. but as 2speed stated, those schools are very conservative. My principal was one that thought the guitar was the instrument of the devil, and that my brother was going to hell for playing one. She told me that if I ever hit one of the bullies back that was beating me up, that I would go to hell. That is a really awful thing to say to a young kid who was getting beaten up for having a certain hair color, or because of the make of his bike, or because of the low cost shoes HIS MOTHER bought him to balance out the cost of the mandatory uniform. The bullies were given a pass...I got expelled, for being "too much trouble".

That being said, I was a different kid. I loved Japanse animation, even then. My fave being a sci fi show called Star Blazers. I got beat up for that!!!!! If I had been allowed to fight back, like my dad had told me, and was not told I would go to hell for it, perhaps my life would have been different. I still would be me but a more confident one. I would not hide my style like I do...then again, I may have become a conforming, conformist, who conforms for the sake of conformity.

YEUCH. LOL

[Nick2Nikki]

I definitely understand the troubles with Catholic schools. Here in Canada there's a "public" Catholic school system (because of the Frenchies), so I was in Catholic school from elementary through high school. Due to its public nature the school system here isn't nearly as confining as a stereotypical private Catholic school, but it certainly caused problems for me. I couldn't stand all the tests with questions along the lines of "Write down your beliefs on so & so," which I would, only to have my beliefs marked as "incorrect" since they didn't gel with their fascist teachings.

Also, GO STARBLAZERS! My dad and uncle watched it as kids, so I downloaded it recently and my dad and I are watching it again. Desslock, Desslock Desslock!

[GaleWarning]

Catholic schools ... no, I think I had better shut up!
Posts which are considered by their authors to be pointless ... couldn't disagree more!
Pythos is weird ... again, no ... you are simply a wonderful manifestation of the rich and various forms of humanity which inhabit this great planet.

[sissystephanie]

Sorry some of you seem to have had problems attending Catholic schools! Do you suppose maybe it was because the Nun's didn't do things the way you wanted them done? The one thing that I have seen in Catholic schools is strict discipline, which is very lacking in public schools. And if Catholic schools are so bad, why is there a waiting list for every Catholic school in the U.S.A.? Parent know where their children will get a good education!!

2Speed, I am not sure if this qualifies as being outside the norm, but both my children rank in the top 5% as far as IQ is concerned. Actually more like in the top 3% according to some people.

[Pythos]

Um... I know I started the tangent, but this thread is not about Catholic or public schools :)

It was a miserable experience for me. Strict discipline was fine....favoritism to the families donating the most...was not. The bullies that beat me up were all from rich families. Nuff said.

[Babeba]

I would also wager that neither of your children fall outside of any cultural or cognitive norms.

Exceptionally bright or creative children always run afoul of educational systems that are not designed to serve the unique needs of the... unique... whether Catholic or public schools. Those schools are just fine for 99% of their students, but for those few with their heads in the clouds, such as Pythos, they are a miserable, stultifying conspiracy of troglodytes hellbent on extinguishing the merest spark of genius before it has a chance to exert its place in the universe. Classrooms of "peers" are not exactly a nurturing environment for non-conformity.


I know this is a tangent, but I went through one of those special ed program s and it was a worse hell than any regular classroom. I spent my time there being beat up and crying every night. Learning to be your self but fit in is rough in any situation for a kid.

Saying that, Eleanor Roosevelt had some good things to say on self respect and letting others make you feel bad...

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I went to catholic grade school and did not have any of the same types of problems, lucky me I guess. It was the best learning experience, they really challenged the student. When I went to public high school they were teaching the same stuff I had learned in 6th and 7th grades. I am not a genious by any stretch but got all A's in high school and had all the courses nobody wanted to take, ie; calc, trig,physics,advanced chem, you get the point. I graduated 6th out of 1100 and received full ride scholorships to pretty much anywhere. I too am in agreement that Pythos has a lot of good things to share so keep it coming and just be whatever you want to be, it is working for you.

[JustineFallow]

Another Catholic grade/secondary school survivor here, Pythos; we made it out alive, though!

[divamissz]

All the best people are oddballs, Pythos.

My stepson attended Catholic schools; he's managed to be a good kid despite it. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote; my own path took some different turns. But I'm glad I took the journey, and I hope you are glad you took yours, too.

[CaitlynRenee]

Gotta chuckle, Pythos, You ROCK ( as my youngest daughter would say). I read your post and found it interesting, intelligent and 'real'. Thanks for sharing with us.

I'm new to these pages though a long time reader. I must say, I know where you're coming from when it comes to aviation. My first 2 years in the Marine Corps, running up and down hills, getting shot at hurt too much so I switched to working with aircraft for 20 years. Had fun, still like aircraft of any type, but have moved on and done so much more in my relatively long life. With four kids from two marriages to two women from totally different cultures, I've had a chance to get beat up myself. Sometimes it hurts to this day. One of the wives was a train wreck waiting to happen (it did) and my current one actually DID attend Catholic schools. She has some frightening tales to tell.

(And here's the 'BUT'), But, over the years, I've learned alot about myself and have come to understand others and/or accept them without prejudging. Two of my kids are straight, two are, if not 'bent', at least wandering a winding trail. Thank God for that. MY youngest is truly an angel. She of the four kids, knows about my fashion preference and 'creative' side, my gender specific writing style (feminine) and artistic bent. She is the same way, but it took my watching, listening to and talking with (not to) this amazing young woman to better understand myself and to feel no more guilt. To be relaxed and at peace with myself. How we can learn from our kids! She is a full ride scholarship student at a top ranked private university in Tennessee, studying neuro-science and gender, but she too found friends among the goth and emo culture in high school. In my minds eye, I picture her as a much younger version of 'Abby' on NCIS.

So enjoy yourself, be yourself, know you are cared for by 'real' people. Thanks for your post.
You see, despite the 'Floating Nuns' (yep, they have no legs. With their habits on, they just float everywhere), you've turned out pretty normal.