Don't know what to do...

[ConcernedMother]

I think I've made a terrible mistake. I'm the 45 year old mother of a 14 year old son. About a week ago I came home early from work to discover my son in my bedroom, standing infront of my full length mirror admiring himself whilst wearing a skirted suit of mine, a pair of my shoes, and as it turns out, a pair
of my underpants. Anyway, I was immediately furious [why, I don't know], and completely ignored him as he tried to explain himself. Instead, I took him over my knee and spanked him as hard as I could. I then told him to goto his room, change and bring me back my clothing. I'm guessing I was hoping this would somehow deter this behavior, but instead it's completely shut him off from me. He won't speak to me [or his father, even though I haven't told him], he won't come down for dinner... he just hides in his room.

In any event, I just don't know what to do to connect to my son. I don't know how to address this crossdressing without completely embarassing him. Not to mention spanking him in my clothes, which I almost immediately regretted [he was spanked very rarely as a child]. Sigh, I'm at a loss here. I happened upon this site after doing some googling on crossdressing, and thought perhaps someone might have an idea or two. Very very very much appreciated.

[Lisa Maren]

Hello Concerned Mother.

First, what mother hasn't lost it and whacked her kid at least once? I got spanked a few times as a kid but I got over that. Somehow I understood that some degree of discipline is a parent's job, even if some of the time it's quite startling.

I don't have any children (or a wife for that matter) and so my advice to you is woefully limited to what would help me, but I suggest you write him a letter explaining to him that you wish to talk to him and that you've researched crossdressing. Let him know where your reaction came from. Basically reassure him in the letter that you wish to work through this with him in a constructive way. Reassure him that your intention is to support him however you can. Most of all, reassure him that you love him no matter what. You might try putting the letter in an envelope and writing "I'm Sorry" on the outside of the envelope so he can get an idea of your intentions before he even reads the letter. That might encourage him to read it.

I think kids expect their parents to make mistakes from time to time, and I think right now, his feelings are likely more along the lines of feeling scared and confused about his crossdressing than anything else. He may feel hurt by you, but all kids feel hurt by their parents from time to time. I'm 33 and I still feel hurt by my parents from time to time.

The last thing I'd like to say is that depending on whether he's researched the subject himself or not -- perhaps he doesn't know about nice forums like this -- you might know more than he does at least for now.

I hope it goes well for you and we're always here if you need more information or have more questions.

Lisa

[Raychel]

I think that you initial reaction was probably pretty normal.I am not sure about spanking a 14 year old boy, But what ever works in your family.

I think that if he will not talk to you you should leave him a note (maybe on his pillow) tell him exactly how you feel and what your initial feelings were that time that caused the reaction he got when you found him. If you have changed your mind and woudl like to open up talks with. Maybe you should run down to you local store and pick him up a pair of his own undies, Pin the note to that on his pillow. He still need to know that you love him and will try to accept him and his decisions thruout his life.

I would bet that he is feeling very ashamed of himself and embarrassed. Let him know that you are there for him to talk to when he is ready.

I hope that you will do alot of reading on this board. You will find tons of great people, and just as much great information. I personally think that in all my reasearch that this board is the most down to earth of all of them. If there is anything that I can do to help feel free to contact me.

[size7satin]

Well mom, this is a tough one if you ask me.... I was dressing when i was 14 and never caught ( by a parent).

Im goning to say a few things and hope you read them with an open heart and mind.

Take him and show him this site, at least this site doesnt have nudity. Let him see he's not alone, SUPPORT HIM, read and learn with him.

Take him on a little shopping spree to get his own clothing if you are going to support him like i wish i would have had in my younger years.

I'm telling you that he is embarressed and scared but from many of us here, crossdressing ussaly isnt just a phase.

Explaine that you were shocked scared and forgot that your suppost to suport your children in every aspect of life. Even Crossdressing.

If your dead set against his crossdressing, still explaine that you love him for all he's worth.

I dont know, as a crossdresser I have not hid it from my kids they and have seen me dressed.

Please be open with him on all your feelings about this. Someday he may have to face diffacultys with his own children and be able to look back on these moments in time with a open loving mind that I hope you will show him.

Best wishes and keep us posted on the awaking of you and your wonderful son.

[Sharon]

Take him and show him this site, at least this site doesnt have nudity. Let him see he's not alone, SUPPORT HIM, read and learn with him.


All good advice,Satin, but the owner of this site allows no members below age 18.

ConcernedMother,
The following site does permit underaged members and has a good reputation.
Good luck!

http://www.susans.org/

[size7satin]

I didnt say make him a member, I sugested letting him see he's not alone. I dont want a bunch of highschooler pranksters running amuck in here......

But open both their minds & hearts togther will build a lifetime of love and support.

:D

[Rachael Warren]

Well if this isn't a wind up you are welcome to my advice.

I am a TG farther of a 14 year old boy, I love him to pieces! My issues aside we have a normal relationship.

Sorry. I am not going further at the moment due to recent events.

You want my help, PM me, I'll be happy to help, just not in public!

Racheal. :)

[Kayla Smith]

I have a 13 year old daughter that has ADD and is in speech therpy, even though she is not a crossdresser she still has challegnes before her in her life. I can tell you that the times that I just lost it and went off on her, I got the same reaction from her, that your son is giving to you. I fixed it by being more gentle to my daughter and by giving her the support she needs in addition I don't try to be just a parent to her, I try to be a good friend to her as well. I must say that my daughter and I get along alot better becuase of this. Support and understanding is the best thing that you can give to your son right now. I also agree with the advice that satin and sharon had given as well.
Best of luck to you :)

:flirt:

[Rachael Warren]

All good advice,Satin, but the owner of this site allows no members below age 18.

ConcernedMother,
The following site does permit underaged members and has a good reputation.
Good luck!

http://www.susans.org/

Sorry Sharon, I didn't expect you to be here!

I'm off, leave you to it!

Cheers, Rachael. ;)

[RainyHaze GG]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum. The members here are very helpful and supportive. I would also like to add there is a GG Forum here. GG means (Genetic Girl.) A wonderful group of supportive women.

I wish your family the best.

Rainy

[Rainbow6562005]

Hi, :)

As a father of two adult sons, I certainly can understand why you reacted the way you did with your son. In my opinion, hitting him, though, was a massive wrong: inflicting your pain on him made two persons miserable, rather than one.

My thoughts: I think he needs good parenting here, as difficult as it may be for you. But both of you need to heal this breach in your relationship.

I think that intitially involves asking him whether he would be willing to talk with you about what happened (he may not right now; bullying him in any form will only drive him farther away).

Then, when he agrees to listen to you (which he will, probably, in time), apologize for hitting him. Ask him to forgive you. (He may not be ready to, yet.)

Ask him if he will listen to why you lost your cool: be straight and complete, keeping the focus on you, not him. Again, hold nothing back.

Then ask him to share his feelings before, during and after the incident. Listen as best you can. You might even try doing "mirroring," giving him back what you think you heard. (He may not be ready to tell you much right then.)

Finally, ask him how you can support him; and agree to do only whatever you're ready to do.

May things go smoothly for you both.

Rainbow

[heatherCD8772]

This sounds like a very tough situation. I can not really comment because I was never caught growing up. But as others have already said just let him know that you love him no matter what and if you choose to support this rather than be against it let him know that you will support him. If you choose to be against it still let him know that you will always love him and just leave it at that.

[karen fox]

Hello concerned mother,
I don't know if you will read this, but I would say the best thing you could do is to TALK to your son & TRY to understand that he has done this and will more than likely he will not dress for some time, but then he WILL dress again.
I think you should tell him it's OK. You are fine with all this. You are not going to tell his father anything about it.
He is probably hiding in his room because of your reaction and he is expecting you to have told his father. He will probably be expecting his father to have a worse reaction than you!
I was caught out when I was a teenager living with my parents. They came home and my father walked up the stairs to find me stark naked in their bedroom with clothes all over the bed! He looked at me and just walked past the bedroom door towards the toilet. At the time I couldn't believe my luck, but have only recently found out (20 years later) that he has also cross dressed in my mother's clothes (via my wife).
Why can we not all talk about our innermost feelings?
If had talked to me, I think things would have clearer for me going through adolesence and maybe I wouldn't be so confused.

Anyway hope this is of some help.
Karen

[Dixie Darling]

Concerned Mother,

First, you (nor your husband, if you chose to tell him about the incident) don't need to feel responsible for your son wanting to dress in your clothes. Crossdressing is something that he was BORN with and it's not anything that was due to you or your husband. I won't go into a lot of details here, but he can't help feeling the way he does. Also, it does NOT - by any stretch of your imagination - indicate in any way that he is gay, bisexual, or anything other than heterosexual, so if those are your worries you can rest your mind about it.

You are to be commended for researching crossdressing rather than taking an immediate negative attitude about it. You've already gotten some informative replies from the folks in the group and I hope those have helped you to begin to understand crossdressing a little better.

I would like to invite you to have a look at my web site where I think you'll find a lot of answers to the questions that I'm sure you have. Although directed primarily towards crossdresseres and their wives, there is a lot of information there that could be of benefit to you. It's a CLEAN site and the information there is down to earth so you need not worry about being embarrassed by what you find there. I would appreciate it if you DO visit the site if you'd let me know if you found it to be beneficial to you.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Marcyme]

First I want to commend you for doing research and asking a group such as us. You realize you initial react was wrong, though understandable. I suspect you must be fairly open minded to even look into xdressing let alone ask for input.
As for advice, let him know you love him no matter what and let him know you will stand by him. I would suggest allowing him to explore his feelings, with your guidence of coarse. If you are open enough to help him shop for some clothes, I think that would be very helpful. As with many aspects of growing up, it is difficult and confusing to him. He needs your support to become the great person you have raised him to be. I would wait to tell his father until he is comfortable telling him.

It may also be helpful to find a counselor in your area that is familar with young people and gender issues. It is important that he has someone safe and non-judgemental to talk to.

It is difficult for him to admitt these feelings/urges to himself, let alone to you. There is shame, embarrasment, and stigmas all around him telling him he is doing something wrong. He needs to know it is not wrong and he is ok!

Feel free to PM me.

[emmicd]

As a concerned mother you may sometimes not know how to react to something you are learning for the first time especially if you are concerned about it. As a parent we are always concerned about our children and want everything to be perfect or just about perfect. The reality however is that not everything is perfect. I'm sure you are very loving and caring to your son and you mean well.

As a 14 year old things can be confusing and there are awkward stages of development. Kids that age are trying to fit in and are going through stages of growth and development that at times may not be so easy for them. There is also experimentation and times of quiet introspection.

As far as crossdressing goes usually it develops in a child's youth and it seems to be a part of them. There is no real answer as to why it develops in some boys but for most who do gravitate to it usually it is a part of their life they will fight throughout and go through so much trying to repress it. They will feel guilt, they will hide it from others, they will continue to dress throughout with times of not dressing at all.

There may be a good reason why you happened to catch him while he was dressing. You as a concerned mom should not ridicule your son for dressing up. You should try to put yourself in your son's place and try to understand what is happening in his life. You should have a real heart to heart talk and tell him that you will try your best to understand what he is going through and try to have him talk and most of all you must tell him how much you love him no matter what! Unconditional love! It may be a while or he may feel very embarrased. You may have to give him time. You may need time as well. It's not so easy to understand the human condition and all the things that we are or may be predisposed to.

I'm sure of one thing. Your 14 year old son is not the only boy out there trying on female clothing. There are more boys out there and men as well that are wearing feminine clothing then you could imagine. They are not really understood and usually do it in secret.

I hope you both can establish a stronger bond from this traumatic finding and try to realize that it's not the end of the world!

I wish you all well and please send me a pm if you wish to talk more about your situation.

You will definitely find all the people here very helpful and very caring. It may eve give you more of an appreciation for crossdressing!

Emmi

[Khriss]

tell him you ,overreacted......
tell him your concernes.....
tell him other well ajusted ,,respected people do "IT"...
tell him you love him !! -no matter what ...

[Clare]

Dear Concerned Mother.

We have real ladies here in the forums (GG's) who could offer female advice as opposed to our male views. Don't get me wrong - the responses above are all valid and i concur with them.

What i'm saying is, women find it extremely difficult to understand why their ADULT husbands, boyfriends, etc crossdress! When you discover one of your children crossdressing in your clothing, the shock may be overwelming more so!

It's wonderful to see that you are trying to seek opinions to help yourself and your Son. If you decide to stay as a member long, maybe you should contact TAMARA who may let you join the GG FORUM (for ladies only - no men).

Finally, i recommend the letter to your Son at this stage. I don't think a talk will do any good initially as he is probably embarrased over being caught and is scared of more punishment. Lisameaghan (1st response) has got it right. Try her recommendation and make sure your Son has opportunities to raise the issue with you - let him know you're ready when he is.

Keep an open mind and display some understanding to your Son. But don't forget, this is a difficult situation for you too. You need some support also.

Christine.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

set the clothes u found him in on his bed while he is gone with a note that ur sorry for freaking out and that if he wants to talk ull listen to him

my mom caught me in my sisters pantyhose when i was 12 and freaked out n sent me to shrinks ,,30 yrs later im stilll dealing with the pain...

my dad and sis didnt care one way or another about my wearing,,,i wear my pantyhose 24/7 and now dress fully if im goin to the bar :D

[KatsMeow]

Hmmmm - He wears the same sized shoes as you do?

Danielle :confused:

[windycissy]

My heart goes out to you and your son. Your reaction was understandable, although you have done a great deal of harm, your sensitivity in reaching out shows that you will do whatever it takes to make this right for the both of you. I agree with the advice to leave him a note assuring him that you love him and will be with him, no matter what. Right now his ego is shattered, and he needs some time to deal with the shock of being discovered. Maybe some good will come out of this if he comes to terms with his feelings instead of suppressing them, as so many of us did when we were his age. Good luck to you both.

[Tiffy]

Hmmmm - He wears the same sized shoes as you do?

Danielle :confused:



Say what?


Anyway, there is not much that I can say since I was never caught when I was young. But, I saw mentioned before that for many this is not a phase. And that is so true. I am much younger than many here. I am only 29, and have been dressing for over 21 years already. But it took me till I was 25 to share it with anyone. I worked thru it alone until then. And I was 27 before I accepted that part of myself. And many ups and down along the way while the two sides fought for the same real estate if you will. Now I am happy with and ok with who I am. this is just a little insight from me as to how one feels and how long one copes with being a CD. Best of luck and wishes with you and your son.

April

[Rachel Ann]

Dear Mom:

First, I want to congratulate you for getting past your initial feelings and committing yourself to finding out more about this.

It gets a little confusing, because

- not all crossdressers are transgender,

- most transgender folks aren’t gay/lesbian/bi, and

- the transgender spectrum includes many from “vanilla” crossdressers all the way to post-operative transsexuals.

At 14, your son may not really know where he fits in to all this. The important thing is that sex, sexuality and gender are not necessarily linked. A “T-friendly” therapist could probably help him a lot.

When I was first starting to unravel this for myself, I found these links helpful:

http://www.altsex.org/transgender/ (http://www.altsex.org/transgender/)

http://www.debradavis.org/gecpage/gectransinfo.html (http://www.debradavis.org/gecpage/gectransinfo.html)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender)

http://www.answers.com/topic/list-of-transgender-related-topics (http://www.answers.com/topic/list-of-transgender-related-topics)

The most important thing to know is that TG is not a “lifestyle choice”. It is a real part of us. No matter how much we try to repress it, it always comes back. So, it’s a lot better to just come to terms with it. It is not a mental disorder!

Good luck to you!

Hugs

Rachel

[Laura Jane]

I think some on here have forgotten what its like to be a 14 year old. The poor kid is probably dying with embarrassment and doing what most teenagers do in the situation hiding away in his room till it has blown over a bit.

Hopefully now you have researched it a bit, you will realise this doesn't automatically mean your son is gay or a future sex change candidate. At 14 he is expeirementing to discover who he is.

The last thing your son will want is to talk about it. I know I've been there and when my mum caught me she asked the once about it then dropped it and never spoke of it again. For that I was very greatful, at 14 or 15 you are not ready to deal with people knowing your intimate secrets.

My advise would be to give him a hug say your not mad at him anymore, maybe lay down the law that your clothes are off limits and then carry on as normal. Do not start searching his room when he is out for traces of this being more than a phase.

When a little older he may be ready to talk about it, but don't force him now.

[Konyatogo]

Mom,

Sometimes it's very scary, sometimes not, it has been for me, you know in a way your son is very fortunate to have come out to his mother regardles of the circumstances at fourteen years of age. Mom, just accept him as he is, if this is the way your son was made, please let him be himself, it will be better for all concered that way, you can be of invaluable help to him in his developementand his search, Oh, my, the things that you will be able to advise him on, the things you will be able to teach him will prevent much hardship on you son's part. I envy him, I really do, I am old man who has had no help from anyone, I have two children in their forties and six grand children. Dear mom, stay with this group, you will learn much from those who are in a position to help you and thus to help your dear son. Do you want to know something dear, this recognition of the feminine within the masculine, and of the masculine within the feminine is a most beautiful gift.

I will hold your family and yourself in my prayers.

Astrid.

[DonnaT]

First, since he doesn't live in his room, it can't be that hard to have a face to face discussion.

Apologize for spanking him. If you did not make any derogatory comments about his wearing your clothes, he will probably relax enough to accept the apology. Otherwise it will be a tough row to hoe.

Let him know that his borrowing your clothes without permission was what made you so upset. Promise him no more spankings. Removal of privileges works a lot better.

This may have been the first time he's ever done it, and was only trying it for the sake of curiosity. However if he's done it before, then he may be a crossdresser.

The goal is to show him support. Give him a few things he can wear, that you no longer want. Tell him he'll be responsible for its care, as it will need to last him for a while.

Dixie's site, mentioned above, has some useful information about crossdressing.

Also see:

http://www.youth-guard.org/pflag-tnet/booklet.html
and
http://www.dcchildrens.com/dcchildrens/about/subclinical/subneuroscience/subgender/guide.aspx

[Amelia Moxon]

.... I can understand how you feel and why you reacted like you did, my parents caught me when i was young and reacted exactly the same, except they did the wrong thing, In trying to convince me that what I had done was wrong, I stopped for a while then the urges came back, I got caught (Twice More), but still they tried to tell me it was wrong I have gotten no support at all from them for my cross-dressing and it makes me feel alienated, like I'm living in a cage, don't do this to your son support him (I know may parents still love me) what he is doing is not wrong.
Once you have broken the ice with him and you can talk freely without either of you getting upset or embarrass, talk to him about it and try to ascertain whether he just wants to dress up or it is something more. Give him time and you will be forgiven, just don't alienate him, I know just how he feels at this point.

Hugs
Michelle xxx

[Deborah757]

My mother found me out when I was 13 and had a similar reaction to yours, without the spanking, although I had received my share of those in the past. She told my father and they both told me I was crazy. I got threatened with a psychiatrist but was sent away to a military school instead.

The result: We never spoke of it again and I guess they think the cured the problem. But it does not go away. To this day I still have some resentment for the way they treated me but I have come to understand how they felt, especially given the times in the early 1970's.

I would suggest you talk to him. You may not understand what he is feeling, but I can guarantee that whatever it is, the feelings are very real to him. Whether he is a crossdresser or a transsexual or whatever else, he is not evil and has not chosen to be like this. He is still a person and needs love just like everybody else.

And just to set your mind at rest, he is not a deviant nor is he going to grow up to be a child molester or worse. What he is right now is feeling confused and scared that he will be rejected by his parents who at the age of 14 are the most important people in his life.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Mom,

First off, let me join others in commending you for trying to find out more and trying to deal with the situation, rather just freaking out.

I know you feel guilty about this, but your reaction is understandable. There's the initial shock, plus his borrowing your clothes may have felt invasive. As adults, CDs learn that borrowing our SO's (significant other) clothes is a definite no-no. As children -- and the vast majority of us start as children -- we do usually borrow clothing from mothers or sisters due to a lack of alternatives.

Cross-dressing is something that between 1-in-20 and 1-in-10 men do regularly and perhaps 20-30% have experimented with at some time or another. I've got no idea whether your son was just experimenting -- at his age girls are a powerful and mystifying force in his life, and it's possible he's dressing to try to understand them better. It's kind of hard to explain, but it can be exploring "what would it be like."

It's also possible that he truly is somewhere on the TG (transgender) spectrum, which ranges from occasional crossdressers to transsexuals who undergo sexual reassignment survey. The latter are estimated to be around one in 1in-2,500 men, so as you can see the odds are far greater that one is a crossdresser, although there are those who feel somewhere in between, i.e. being more feminine than masculine, but not desiring to do hormones or surgery.

As far as why we do it, the truth is no one's really sure. There's suggestive but not conclusive evidence for a biological basis, particularly on the TS end of the spectrum. There's probably also psychological factors as well. For many it's a form of escapism -- a chance to be someone else for awhile, not that different than dressing up as a Trekkie for example -- and it's well known that stress often causes the desire to dress. To me it's also notable that many of us begin around puberty, which needless to say is a stressful time. It's also often a chance for many of us to express emotions and personality traits that society deems "feminine" and therefore we don't feel comfortable doing so en homme. And I won't lie, particularly when starting out as teens, dressing often does have a sexual component. In part it's a chance to wear sexy clothes that aren't available to men -- although a suited skirt probably doesn't fall into that category -- and a chance to "own" the sexual power that we feel women have over us.

As a mother, I'm sure you're concerned what CDing might mean for your son's future. CDing does complicate our lives, it can be difficult to find an SO who's accepting of it and many folks have been in denial about it. I think that's changing as the Internet makes information readily available as well as supportive communities such as this one. And I think few people here would stop if they could a magic pill to "cure" them. Much as it can be troublesome at times, it does make us a wholer person than we might be otherwise.

I'm not married, nor do I have kids, so take the following for what it's worth.

I'm sure your son feels humiliated, just as he would have if you'd caught him in any other embarassing situation. (You know how teens are.) It's very likely that he already feels guilty and shameful over his dressing. He knows it's not something "normal" boys do. If he hasn't done any research online, he may feel like he's the only one in the world who feels this way. If he's gone online, he might have found good information, or he might have run across stuff that makes him feel like a freak. He's probably terrified that you'll tell his father.

I think Khriss summed the next steps nicely, whether it's talking in person or starting by writing him a letter. Let him know the you over-reacted. Let him know you still love him, and will love him no matter what. It's OK to let him know that wearing your clothes bothered you. Let him know that you've done some research and realize that cross-dressing is different, but not abnormal.

Then see if you can talk. Even if he realizes you love him, it may be difficult for him to talk about. It's baring something extremely intimate which is hard for teenage boys to do period, and particularly since it may be tied up with sexual feelings that's a hard discussion to have with Mom (or Dad). Also, be aware that it's pretty likely he doesn't understand his desires very well yet, which can make it hard for him to talk about them.

If he doesn't want to talk, let him know you're keeping an open mind and being supportive. Let him know that you'll always willing to talk later (he might need some time), or if he wants to write you a letter (which might be more comfortable for him) that's fine too. As Donna said, it may be useful to give him some clothes of his own, which also allows you to set some boundaries on keeping your clothes off-limits.

Finally, as others have said, I'm sure this is difficult for you as well, and you probably need some support too. We CDs are here to help and give advice, or to just listen if that's what you want. (If it's the latter, just let us know you that's what you want, since beneath the dresses we're still guys and problem-solving is the way we show we're listening -- which not necessary what GGs always want or need.) There's also a number of GGs here as well, plus the GG-only forum.

I wish you and your son luck in working through this.

[GypsyKaren]

You've gotten enough advice hear to make your head spin, all of it quite good, so I'll be brief. I can't advise you on what to do because I've never been in your situation, and I don't know what kind of relationship you and your son have.

I agree with you in that you handled it wrong, but it must have really shocked you to go over the deep end. Personally, I think I'd let things lie for a while, let the dust settle, and give a chance for everyone to calm down. Then you can take whatever course of action you decide is best.

I can speak of my experiences as a 14 year old. I really started dressing seriously when I was 12, and it was all quite confusing, but also exciting at the same time. I never got caught, but if I had it wouldn't have changed anything, nor would I have stopped. I would have been more careful, or in other words, sneakier. I really don't think you want him to go in that direction.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this, and remember to never miss the chance to say that you love him.

GypsyKaren

[jjjjohanne]

He feels embarrassed, guilty, wimpy, stupid. He is not reacting to the spanking. He is reacting being caught. I was always careful, but I would get sloppy. He probably does this occasionally. This time he got sloppy.

I am rather conservative about what you should do next. Email me if you would like to talk about it.