Participating SO's

[Diana1029]

Some days ago I wrote a post about me getting shave since I wont be seing my girlfriend in some time so I would take advantage of it ,but thats not the point ,some of the responses told me that if she didnt liked the fact that I shaved I shouldn't be with her and stuff like that the question in here is:

Is it really important that your SO is involved and active in the crossdressing? is it wrong if she decides to step aside and dont get involved althou she is ok with it?

I already got my answer I only want to hear everyone elses

[Tanya C]

Your SO has the right to not participate in your cding as much as you have the right to cd. But that doesn't mean you should stop trying to gain her acceptance and possibly her involvement. Let her know what you've known about yourself, that cding is a positive side to your personality.

[prene]

I had a gf a while back who was OK with me dressing . . . for a while. It/she broke it off a few months later.
I think she could not handle it.

I have a gg friend who know and helps me sometimes dress. Who knows what will happen there. I like her but I think she has it for her last bf.

[Lisa_Marie]

i would like to think the when i find the right person that they would understand that its something i need/ want to do one or two of the people i have dated thus far have been ok with it (it was just heels til recently) and one girl used to have nights with me where we would both get some overly dressy shoes on and just have a quiet night in together

[Chickhe]

I'm in the, we are different people with individual thoughts camp...so not everything should be or needs to be shared.

[DaphneGrey]

[QUOTE=Is it really important that your SO is involved and active in the crossdressing? is it wrong if she decides to step aside and dont get involved althou she is ok with it?

I already got my answer I only want to hear everyone elses[/QUOTE]

For me It is not important to have my SOs participation. She is ver supportive and generous when it comes to my "being daphne" for which I am so very thankful, as far as participation goes it is just not for her. Having said that her acceptence is really amazing. I don't hide anything clothes makeup grooming etc. Even my every day presentation is androgynous.

[Gerrijerry]

I have heard this same type of thing on many different posts. The truth be told and if you are willing to admit it. Crossdressing is a very important part of your life. IT will effect your SO no matter what you think. If she does not accept it then sooner or later it becomes a problem. Yes every one has the right to accept of not to accept, however lets stop lieing to ourselves it will effect a relationship. I don't know of anyone who could stop being who they are. Bottom line this is one of those issues that simply is either going to work together or not. Sorry but I really feel this way.

[Misty G]

My Opinion . . . Acceptance is important in a relationship . . . . Participation is not although it is usually desired. I dress most of the time my wife is very accepting and sometimes participates. Sometimes we go out together while I am dressed but most of the time not which is not a problem. I do most of the everyday shopping and usually do it dressed and alone.,

[KristaE]

Participation is different than acceptance, so don't confuse the two.

My wife is totally accepting, but right now will NOT participate. She accepts that I shave, but that is after 10 years of marriage (~3 years of her fully knowing about me CDing). For me, I introduced the shaving first early in our marriage as part of our sex-play and saying that it just feels better. Only later did I let her into the fact that I like to dress (about the time that I started to accept it myself). She can't participate in that because she is worried that I will "become" all feminine... despite the fact that I have exhibited traditionally "female" attributes since we were dating.

You have CDing. It is yours. She has her man. Let that be hers. Reassure her that you having CDing will not rob her of her man. The rest is finding the balance with your partner.

[GingerLeigh]

Participation would be nice, but is not required. I'm not the enemy, I'm not going to force anything on my wife. She never asked to marry a crossdresser and I fear it may make her very uncomfortable. Why would I want to make her uncomfortable? Acceptance is one thing, participation is something else.

Ginger

[JamieG]

Like many of the other respondents, my wife supports me as a crossdresser but almost never participates. A couple does not need to do everything together, although it is usually a good idea to have some common interests. However, note that not participating does not necessarily mean that you can go off and do whatever you want as a CD. Does your SO know that you plan to shave? Have you said, "I've always wanted to shave myself, but haven't done it out of respect for your wishes. I'm going to really miss you this month, but one thing that would make it more tolerable is if I was able to spend it shaved. Would that really bother you? Don't worry, I'll stop shaving in time for my body hair to grow back before we get together again."

[Tina B.]

Lately I've been dressing most of the time, I'm lucky enough to have a very understanding wife. She is supportive, and buys be feminine gifts, and things like that, but I'm not sure just what you mean my participate, I get up in the morning, and put on full under garments, do my make up, and wig, then to the closet to get dressed for the day, pantyhose, skirt, blouse and heel. Add rings, earrings, and necklace and I'm ready for the day. The wife is more likely get up and throw on sweats, and run a comb through her hair if she thinks of it (It's short enough to forget to comb it). No participation, but then I didn't ask for any either, I always figured it was my thing, not hers. She does know her input is always welcome, and her advice frequently sought. And if she ever wants to participate, she will find me very wiling to let her. Other than that, I'm just glad that she accepts me dressed most of the time, and she complements me when I do a nice job putting it together, and now and then she brings me flowers, So I'm happy with acceptance.
Tina B.

[JulieC]

My wife is involved to some extent in my crossdressing. But, that's not the most important thing to me. If she didn't want to be involved and active in it, that would be fine. If...

The one thing I refused to accept, after years of learning self acceptance, was a wife (really, girlfriend since I wouldn't marry them unless I knew they knew and accepted) that didn't accept my crossdressing, and viewed as a sin/perversion/sickness/or any other detrimental thing. Either they accepted me 100%, or goodbye. 100% acceptance doesn't mean they have to participate.

[Lainie]

Definitely recommend being open to and considerate of your SO. Inconveniently, mine is open-minded about almost everything, but not this. I sneak around, because she won't discuss it, and doesn't feel that she can successfully prevent it. Not satisfactory.

Today, I'm fully en femme--necklace, blouse, slacks, hose, trainers. Pullover obscures the girl-side buttons, and keeps the collar closed enough that the necklace is not obvious. While she was out, I put on a bra and skirt, but now that she's back I'm in mufti. I don't think she notices, and certainly has not said anything. I do this from time to time, but always when I have some excuse to wear a jacket or carry a backpack, so I don't have to carry a purse.

...which is a shame, 'cause I have some really nice purses, that I'd love to show off!

[kimdl93]

Its very important to me that my wife is both accepting and participating in my CDing. That doesn't mean it has to be that way. Everyone has to seek their own comfort level.

[S. Lisa Smith]

My wife is very accepting, but does not want to see me dressed. I can (and have to, in all fairness) respect that. I shave in the winter and dress when she's not around. We went to the outlet mall this past Sunday and we got more stuff for Lisa (a bra and a number of tops) than we did for her. She lets me use her car when I go out for my "secret missions" en femme and never says a negative thing. In all truth, I can't ask for more than that.

[mywifeswoman]

You have CDing. It is yours. She has her man. Let that be hers. Reassure her that you having CDing will not rob her of her man. The rest is finding the balance with your partner.

Me, I think of myself as very blessed. I always have had depresion issues because of what I felt inside and because of outside bigotry, ect, I found it hard to let anybody know that I like to do this. I found that my wife likes and loves it one nite from some goofing around during some bedroom play and asking me to wear her undies..she really got into dressing me up and found that I didnt mind it at all. That was many years ago and now we participate in this together. She will always buy me something along with herself and loves to shop with me and just have a girls day out at times. But she also knows that I like to be her man, and knows that when its man time, we can have our married time together as well as man and wife.

[Jenniferathome]

It's unreasonable to think that your SO should just "accept." Heck I can't even explain my cross dressing to myself. Those that have accepting SOs are just lucky.

[AmberM]

I have an amazing fiance who loves and accepts me and my inner woman as we are. She's giddy about transforming me into Amber and our first girl's night out is in the works.

[Shari]

First off, it's your body and if you want to shave it, who is anyone to tell you it's not okay? I've never heard of a divorce or breakup that was directly attributable to a few strokes with a razor.

Yes, it is nice to have your SO participate. I'm blessed in that my wife accepts and even buys things for me.
If you have to go it alone, so be it. There's no rule that says she has to accept and embrace your alternate lifestyle.
If she doesn't totally accept and participate with you but still allows you, that's certainly better than nothing.
It at least keeps that pink monkey off your back.

[JulieC]

It's unreasonable to think that your SO should just "accept." Heck I can't even explain my cross dressing to myself. Those that have accepting SOs are just lucky.

I chose to flip that around. I decided that it would be unreasonable for me to accept a SO who didn't accept all of me. From that day on, I swore I would tell early on in a relationship, and if they went running to hills screaming, so be it. That removed the burden of being forced in some manner to accept from a SO who found out late, to my shoulders; making sure I didn't burden her with it. She could choose to leave without any consequences.

[PretzelGirl]

We are all going to be different in how we view this. For me, it is important that she is involved. Why? Because this is an important part of me and I want to share it with her. Now, I am a believer that a marraige can be strong when the couple does things together and when they do things apart. It takes a mix for the health of the relationship. There has to be some of each. So for those that get acceptance without participation, it fits well into the "doing things apart" area. I just wish for her to participate because it is such a big part of me and that it is meaningful to me that she wants to be a part.

[Joanne f]

No it is not important that your SO has to be involved with the cross dressing and no it is not wrong if she decides that she does not want anything to do with it as that is her choice and you should respect that , but what is important is that you are open and honest with her as to what you are doing then she has the choice of being involved with it or not .
It is obviously more helpful to the CDer if the SO will or can get involved at least a little bit and it can be a lot of fun in a relationship but some do find it a hard thing to understand or accept so it should not be forced on them .

[Diana1029]

Like many of the other respondents, my wife supports me as a crossdresser but almost never participates. A couple does not need to do everything together, although it is usually a good idea to have some common interests. However, note that not participating does not necessarily mean that you can go off and do whatever you want as a CD. Does your SO know that you plan to shave? Have you said, "I've always wanted to shave myself, but haven't done it out of respect for your wishes. I'm going to really miss you this month, but one thing that would make it more tolerable is if I was able to spend it shaved. Would that really bother you? Don't worry, I'll stop shaving in time for my body hair to grow back before we get together again."

Good point

[Eryn]

Is it really important that your SO is involved and active in the crossdressing? is it wrong if she decides to step aside and dont get involved althou she is ok with it?

Is it important? Yes. Is it required? No. A positive comment from my wife is like a gold medal to me.

I count myself lucky that my wife is tolerant and tries very hard to understand something that I don't really have a handle on myself. I've recently (after way too long) become open with her and I can tell that she is trying to be supportive but we are both still figuring out the "rules of engagement." That is all I can ask and I need to be as sympathetic to her needs as she is to mine.

[Cheryl T]

I agree with Eryn, it's not important for her to participate, but to accept...yes. I hid for so many years and all it did was detract from our relationship. It took time away from her and from other things that I should have been doing. I would sneak an hour here or there and things would be affected that I never considered.
She found out at one point, but it wasn't the right time and I made the shallow promise not to do it and went back in the closet.
At last I could hide no more and sat her down to talk. I said, "we have a problem". I explained my feelings and told her that this was such a part of me that I had to pursue it. I wanted her with me on the journey, but it was a journey I had to take with or without her.
She explored all the resources I could provide, including this forum. We talked and talked and she began to accept and wanted to know more. Now we go out all the time together, shop together, dress together and share so much more than we ever did before. We've come closer than ever and I'm so blessed that she is with me and that we have such a great love to share.
No, it's not important that she is active, but it is so important that she understand and accept.

Just my thoughts and 2 cents worth...

[Stephanie47]

Right now our relationship is "Don't Ask! Don't Tell" Would I want her to participate-No! Would I want her to accept it-Yes! I guess she does accept it because we are still married. I think if we were younger, she would have walked a long time ago. She regrets telling me of some of her sexual exploits as a young woman, because she did things outside the 'norm.' I think if she did not tell me of those escapades she would have been able to say "You're a pervert, I'm gone!" I accepted her as she was with full disclosure. It did not matter to me! I did not tell her of my cross-dressing because I had not cross-dressed for over two plus years, had no desire at the time, blah, blah, blah. Well, the desire crept back in. Maybe because her youthful beauty kindled the desire?

I dress in private because she does not approve. I cannot envision throwing my cross-dressing in her face by sitting in the living room reading a book or watching television. Several years ago we went shopping for something as basic as a pair of panties. You'd think that would have been easy. It was so stressful on her that I could not take it. I'm wearing a pair of basic white nylon briefs that are about as unsexy as you can get (I like the full coverage feel over my entire butt!). Cross-dressing has killed our intimacy, because she envisions me en femme, even if I am stark naked. I can see the pain in her eyes. That pain is compounded by her thoughts which have nothing to do with me. I'd rather do without than taking the rejection in her expressive eyes, and, her eyes are what attracted me to her in the first place.

I would love to have an enthusiastic wife, who would participate once in awhile. I would love it, if she came up behind me and caressed my butt while pressed against the sink washing the dishes while dressed en femme like June Cleaver. It's not going to happen, so it's "Don't Ask! Don't Tell" Maybe in my next life I'll come back as a beautiful petite woman married to a large cross-dressing husband! I'll see how I react???

[Alice B]

My wife also accepts and supports my need to dress, but from a non participation point of view. We have reached a working relationship about Alice and I am very happy with it. It has taken time and discussion and as a result my freedom to dress has grown greatly.

[t-girlxsophie]

I made so many mistakes when I married my first wife regarding my dressing,which was the cause of 75% of the problems between us,I vowed never to treat my now Wife the way i did the first time around I think that was the biggest reason that we have the relationship we have now her acceptance means everything to me,It helped that everything was laid on the line from the start,I think thats the best way to start any relationship,only my opinion of course

:hugs:Sophie