How fast is too fast?

[Stephanie Heplby]

The speed at which a person “comes out” is completely up to them and the people who are directly impacted by that transition. That said and acknowledged, I would love some feedback from you folks.

I have grown increasingly happy and well-adjusted as I have come out to more people. I now go almost everywhere and do almost everything as a woman and feel so complete that I wonder what took me so long (and how I could have missed this part of me for so many years).

Sidebar
I recently had the strangest-best day ever: I received a speeding ticket, and it was great. Let me explain… Naturally, I was dressed as a woman (makeup, long hair, somewhat prominent breasts: all the usual cues). When I handed my license to the officer he said (and I quote): “Why you go and hand me a man’s license?” Yes, that’s right, he assumed I had given him someone else’s license. When I confirmed that it was, in fact, me, he said bunch of stuff like “no way”, but the best thing was when he said, “What happened to your beard?” It really was the best ticket ever. Anyway…
End Sidebar

The problem comes with the difference in acceptable speeds between myself and my wife. She is more hesitant, which I understand. I am very sensitive to the fact that this is something forced on her and over which she will feel like she has no control. This is incredibly difficult and unfair to her. (I get all that intrinsically.)

However, when do I stop sneaking around? When I put on a skirt and tights, do I need to hide behind the curtain and wait until the neighborhood is all clear before going to the car? Is she really under the impression that no one has yet noticed the tall woman leaving our house? We have no off-street parking and our houses are only a few feet apart, so I am pretty sure the whole neighborhood knows about the tranny. I am fairly certain that my wife would say that I should not be sneaking around, but... ("But what?", you might ask. Not sure, really.)

Sidebar
Our neighborhood was listed as “the gayest corner” of the area in a local homosexual-oriented weekly. Five of our 24 homeowning households (nearly 21%) are openly homosexual (some couples, some singles). One of the straight owners is an older woman who is reported to have at least one transsexual son. An adult son of one of the older gay residents reportedly said, “Dad, I think we are too close to the power lines.”
End Sidebar

I really don’t know what to think. I must honor my wife’s concerns, but I need to be true to myself at the same time. I think our neighborhood is about the most accepting place we could possibly live, so I am not concerned about judgment, and I also don’t want to slap people in the face with my gender "issue"; I just don't want to hide anymore. I want to live like anyone else.

The specific situation that generated these thoughts was just this morning. My wife was leaving for work and I walked her to the car, carrying her lunch bag, etc. I was / am dressed in a khaki skirt, black tights, flats, a pink-ish wrap shirt, and a warm-ish coat. It is not a particularly flamboyant outfit and would be acceptable for the average woman running errands. Of course, this is the time of day when the entire neighborhood leaves for work, so several people drove out past our house. My wife wanted me to see her off and carry her stuff for her, but she was afraid of what people would say / see.

Ironically, I will be running errands later today in this same outfit and that does not give her pause.

Sigh. I am just torn, slightly upset, slightly confused, etc. Like many people here, I never want to be a boy again, so it pains me to think of “hiding myself”. I am planning to discuss this with my therapist next week, but wanted to get some feedback here, too. (And that includes partners; I want your perspectives too.) I should also point out that my wife now accompanies me to therapy once a month, so we can work out joint transition issues. I thoroughly recommend this to others with spouses or significant other

[Persephone]

It sounds like your wife is catching up, just going a bit slower. You might want to discuss it with your therapist, but is it possible that she is really expressing deeper issues like concern that she is losing her husband? If possible, it might be wise to compromise and move at a pace that is closer to her level of acceptance.

[Katesback]

First of all if you are REALLY going to transition you have to accept the fact that you are possibly going to loose everything and that includes very high probability of your wife.

Transition is likely the hardest thing a person could ever go through and if it is going to be successful it has to be a 100% effort. If you cannot or will not make a 100% effort you will likely suffer years of frustration, depression, spends hours TALKING about transiton and NOT DOING. I am a results sort of person and I have little patience for people that can only talk about something. SHOW ME is my motto.

How fast? My opinion is the faster one can get through transition and become a normal female the better. With that said I went from hormones to SRS in 11 months and add another year to that for FFS. I did not waste time talking (no therapist or constant posts about baby steps) I made a decision and executed that decision.

You need to make a decision and execute it. I dont care what decision you make but I hope you can live with it.

[Stephanie Anne]

It's hard to see a relationship from the outside. You are wanting transition but at the same time dealing with issues of your marriage. While it is true most marriages where a partner transitions have a high probability of dissolution, the only way you can know this for sure is talking between the two of you. My advice is go to a marriage councilor. Not for your gender identity but to learn how to communicate both your needs as well as how to cope with the possibility that your wife is not willing to enter into a lesbian relationship after committing to a heterosexual one.

Now on to you. It seems you are in conflict about your needs versus you commitments. The whole aspect of transition, aside from the physical, is a letting go and acceptance of yourself. It's not called transition because you should shotgun through it to reach a goal.

Please never take advice form anyone who says "you need to do this at this exact pace to get to this". Transition is a very personal journey because everyone who goes through it has to let go of different levels of doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty.

There are more parts to transition than just pumping yourself full of hormones, getting surgery, and racing to womanhood. There are tons of stories of people going from nothing to post operative in a year and then regretting and trying to justify why the surgeries didn't magically make them happy. You really need to take all the time you need to become comfortable with your body and your emotional needs. No amount of physical alteration is going to solve what might be going on in your head.

Depending on your dysphoria and any mental issues stemming from denying being trans, you may or may not be able to wait on your wife's acceptance. If you can, try and work through little by little so you both are on the same page when you go from step one to step done.

My advice is to work on transitioning from clothing being the satisfying factor to learning why it is you are needing to transition, if transitioning is what you want to do, and if needed, finding a good support network (support group, other trans people in the area, etc) and a therapist that will help you sort out the emotional distress .


Using me as an example: I started last may after not really understanding it for many years. About 3 years ago I though I was ready but was not even close to being emotionally sound to begin. I decided that I will go at my own pace, not follow some useless time line, and only progress when I was ready to. These revelations helped me to come to terms and enjoy my transition pretty quickly.

In 8 months I have gone from starting hormones to living full time. I have now settled that I will have srs. For me srs is not an end goal and being a woman without a male past is not important. What I found is most important is to be fully comfortable with who I am. I'm now happy and enjoying life as a trans woman. Something I never though I could even do 6 months ago. I used to think transition would be a horrendous thing, sucking all the way. By letting go of the urgency, I have learned to start loving the journey.


So to sum it up nicely, work out your differences, accept you may not be together at the end, figure out if this is right for you, get help if needed, and for god's sake don't take anyone's advice on how fast or slow to transition!

[Traci Elizabeth]

Stephanie Anne's words are well thought out and shows wisdom. But I would stay clear of Kate's statements.

As for myself, I do have a supportive wife, and she very much has the right to express her input into my transition, for as you said, our wives are equally involved. If there is any hope for the two of you in the long run, then open, honest, communication with a willingness to compromise either in time-tables or any other important progression marker is essential.

My wife is my "soul mate" and I hers. We have transitioned "together" at a compromised pace with truly taking each others love and heart into consideration.

My wife has gone from total shock and disbelief when I "came-out" to her to the wonderful deep relationship we have today as "two women" very deeply in love. In fact, we are closer today than ever before and being totally honest and confiding totally in her about my entire life has only added to our relationship.

I have transitioned 24/7 with my wife's help for well over a year and a half now. She taught me how to apply make-up, style my hair, and how to dress and act like a classy woman. We go shopping together every week, try clothes on together in the dressing rooms, go to the public restrooms together, walk arm-in-arm together sometimes while in public, attend a new church since I have "come out" a couple times per week together, have informed all of our families, and are wanting to "renew" our marriage vows with some of our family in attendance.

I have been on HRT for 11 months now and although I am only 5' 7" and weigh 135, I have really perky woman's breasts of 36C's solely due to the HRT, and my wife and I actually borrow each others bras from time-to-time, and well as tops, pants, and skirts.

So although the odds may be small, it is possible to continue a marriage full of love if that marriage had a strong foundation to begin with.

Everyone who has ever known us have always stated we were the perfect couple, and that it was very obvious that we were deeply in love and cared more for each other than ourselves. That has not changed. Both my wife and I want our love to continue growing and to spend the journey of life side-by-side.

With deep commitments, open honest communication, and tender love, anything is possible.

Sure we cried in the beginning, felt a sense of loss, had fears and concerns like everyone else who has transitioned before us. But we made this transition an "all inclusive" journey of two; not "my" journey full of "here is what I want irrespective of your feelings and wants."

Those of us who are married and feel it is all about "ME" will have their marriages fail for sure. Because NOTHING in life is just all about "me" including death.

Reach out to your wife, show her your true inner being (bear your soul), and be compassionate and understanding of her feelings and needs. Always remember that "Compromise" is not an evil word but a word of love. And it will serve you well.

[Faith_G]

I'm not happy and enjoying life as a trans woman.Did you mean "now"?

Because you are trying to bring your wife along, your transition is probably going to have to be slower than you'd like. Her needs are going to determine what "too fast" is.

[Melody Moore]

Even though I am moving very quickly in my transition, there is is no set speed to how fast or slow you should go. Proceed at a speed you feel most comfortable. However if you are in a relationship you will need to consider that your partner has to go through a huge social transition as well of you are to stay together. And in a lot of cases the partners are not willing to go through with that. It would be like if you were a normal heterosexual male living with your wife, then she wanted to transition from Female to Male. How many males would tolerate this? and be willing to go through that social transition and suddenly be in a gay relationship?

The reality is you need to accept it right now that there is a possibility you might lose your partner if she finds being with you uncomfortable. But the secret here is to give her the time & respect to make those adjustments, if you don't, then she might not hang around for too much longer. If it was me, I personally would move out or stay somewhere else for awhile to give each other time & space to deal with what you have to. A separation like this can give you both an idea of what it is going to be like if you are no longer together & really make each partner think about what they really want. This also shows that you have a lot of respect for your partner & you have a good understanding of the social issues they are facing. It also shows convictions in your decisions to proceed with transitioning. Separating temporarily can actually be a valuable tool to save a marriage. So this is something else to consider.

[Jessinthesprings]

One could argue, that too fast might be a pace in which it does not allow loved ones to adjust to the changes; and you lose potential support from them. Also one who achives perminant unalterable changes without first giving the transition a chance to fully have its ups and downs may also be a factor in too fast. However, I think that you, as it should be, set the pace, and there is no such thing as too fast.

[Stephanie Anne]

Did you mean "now"?

Yes, yes i do. :o

[Karen564]

I don't know what to say except, say Good luck...because I only know a 1/2 handful of TS's where the wife stayed longer than 2 years after the surgery...sorry, but the dynamics in the marriage/relationship change way too much to have much of a chance to survive.....but hey, do whatever you have to do & hope for the best..

Oh, and as far as the pace thing....just go at the pace you & your partner are comfortable with...but if you go at it too fast, you'll never get out of the pink fog...

I went very slow for my family's sake...and in the end, that worked out the best for everyone, including me..

[Stephanie Heplby]

If it was me, I personally would move out or stay somewhere else for awhile to give each other time & space to deal with what you have to. A separation like this can give you both an idea of what it is going to be like if you are no longer together & really make each partner think about what they really want. This also shows that you have a lot of respect for your partner & you have a good understanding of the social issues they are facing. It also shows convictions in your decisions to proceed with transitioning. Separating temporarily can actually be a valuable tool to save a marriage. So this is something else to consider.


Honestly, this is an interesting notion. (And I don't mean that as a euphamism for "crazy", "stupid", or some other derogatory term.) This might work in some situations, however, I have seen this tactic used by married couples (hetero and homosexual) and it has never worked. The moving out is generally seen as a terminal break, particularly in couples with more than 10 years of marriage. The phrase that comes to mind is "throwing away all that we have worked for". (Or something very similar.)

In my particular case, if I were to move out, my wife would hunt me down and kill me (then probably jump in after me out of desperation). Instead, close engagement with my spouse is the best bet (not to sound too much like international diplomacy).

Thanks everyone for your honest and personal opinions. I remain (perhaps stupidly) optimistic that we will remain a strong couple. We have been through couples therapy, individual therapy, highs, lows, etc. Traci Elizabeth describes a relationship much like my own. My wife and I have been together for 24 years and really cannot imagine being apart from each other. We just need to navigate life's obstacles.

Our obstacles are just different from other people's.

[Melody Moore]

Thanks everyone for your honest and personal opinions.... We just need to navigate life's obstacles.
I haven't started giving you my most honest personal opinion YET & one thing you have got very wrong
there is we don't need to navigate some of life's obstacles if we don't choose to go down a certain path.

This is about choices, we all have the right to make choices & you cannot be forced to accept the choices I might make.


I have seen this tactic used by married couples (hetero and homosexual) and it has never worked. The moving out is generally seen as a terminal break, particularly in couples with more than 10 years of marriage. The phrase that comes to mind is "throwing away all that we have worked for". (Or something very similar.)
Have you really seen this tactic used by other couples & is this always the result? I have had lots of counselling over the years & it is a tactic that is often recommended to couples to have a little 'time-out' to consider what they want without the added pressure from their partners.

If you try to trap your wife here when she isn't comfortable then I believe you are at greater risk of losing her for good.


In my particular case, if I were to move out, my wife would hunt me down and kill me
Really? How do you know your wife would even bother coming after you? How can you claim to know how she really feels?

I was in a relationship, moved out & ended it so I could start my transitioning without any other stress being involved for me or my former partner. And I know for a fact that because I chose to take that route I have managed to hang onto my girlfriend as a best friend & part-time lover. I know that if I tried to force her into something that she is really unsure about then I risk losing her for good.

If my girlfriend finally comes around & totally accepts me as I am & is OK about being in a lesbian relationship with me. Then she must arrive at that conclusion in her own time, on her own & in her own space without any influence from me because then I know it is what she really wants & not just what I really want in the relationship. And only then will I be sure that she does truly love me.

My experience has proven to me that partners need adequate time & space to adjust & to go through their own social transition, IF that is the path they choose to take with you. Have you asked your wife what she really wants here? Have you asked her to clearly define any of that? Personally I don't think that you have because there are so many areas that appear to be still so grey.


My wife wanted me to see her off and carry her stuff for her, but she was afraid of what people would say / see.

Your wife obviously has some issues about your transitioning that has been there since the day you were sitting at the airport & told her about your cross-dressing (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?111945-Introduction-My-Coming-Out). You also admitted she was surprised when you told her. Usually women that are more open & accepting don't seem so surprised with it. Also your partner will often see the femininity in you before that whether they are conscientiously aware of it or not. So usually when you do come out to them they are not so surprised or shocked to find this out about you. When I told my girlfriend she didn't believe me at first, but she did tell me that could see how I was feminine in so many ways, so she wasnt a total shock or surprise to her. I found her very open & accepting of me, however that didn't mean that we were going to have a rosy lesbian relationship.

So just because she held your hand that day & said it will be OK & also asked you some very common questions during your flight, it doesn't mean that she really accepts you as a partner being transgendered. What it does show though is someone who is still being supportive like any other good friend would be. There is nothing in this that says that your wife wants to stay deeply involved with you without some conditions. And the reason I say this is because here you are now nearly 2 years down the track since you came out to her & she is obviously still having problems with the social transitioning aspects side of things she has to also go through in your transition.


She is more hesitant, which I understand. I am very sensitive to the fact that this is something forced on her and over which she will feel like she has no control. This is incredibly difficult and unfair to her. (I get all that intrinsically.)
You are very correct when you say this is incredibly difficult and unfair to her, but do you really understand & accept that this is a serious issue to her? I personally don't think that you do. I am starting to believe after what I have been reading that you really have a big issue with letting go if you had to. You seem to be still trying to sell her on the whole idea when you said this...

"Our neighborhood was listed as “the gayest corner” of the area in a local homosexual-oriented weekly. Five of our 24 homeowning households (nearly 21%) are openly homosexual (some couples, some singles). One of the straight owners is an older woman who is reported to have at least one transsexual son. An adult son of one of the older gay residents reportedly said, “Dad, I think we are too close to the power lines.”


Our obstacles are just different from other people's.
You are dead right again that our obstacles are very different to those in heterosexual relationships, but are not that different to many of my own. Our relationship with females are not normal heterosexual relationships at all. They are often seen by our partners as lesbian relationships and not everyone is willing to take that path & deal with these obstacles.

Finally, lets just imagine that you were a normal heterosexual male & your wife decided one day to start living as a FtM transsexual who wants to become a man? How would you feel being forced to live in a gay relationship with another man? Would you still love your now 'gay husband' as much as you did when she was your wife? These are some of the differing points of view that I think you should consider before you insist on staying with your wife. Everyone who transitions knows that when you take this step you are in affect committing social suicide, your relationships with other people are changed for ever. I really don't think that you have considered any of this, from the things I have been reading, you are expecting your partner to conform & accept your own self-styled ideals. How can that be true love?

"If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesn't, it never was"