I am going to start dressing again

[Kathryn Philips]

In November 2007 my wife caught me dressing. It almost broke our marriage of 12 years. I did not purge my hidden away warbrobe and accesories, she managed to find everything and threw every last bit away on my behalf.

Its been an almost umbearable 3 years although fortunately I have not been overcome with depression. But now I have had enough. I need to look and dress like the female I that feel on the inside, even if it is once in a short and infrequent while.

I know that my wife is never going to accept this and if I get caught again this will be really the end of it. So I must be very careful and be sure that I know exactly where she is while I am dressed.

I really love my wife but at the same time I hate her so much for not accepting this
important part of me and her general attitude towards the GLBT community. Net effect is that the love and hate neutralise each other. The reason why I am with still with her is our severely disabled daughter, which I love so very much.

Anyway I have started buying clothes and keeping them at work until I find a suitable place at home for storage. In the last 10 days I have bought a skirt, a pair of black court shoes, some horiery and shapewear. All my purchases are from normal retail stores (no internet), paying with cash to avoid leaving an "audit trail". I am naturally very shy, but the woman in me does not seem to be, giving me the strength and courage browse for female clothing and accesories without a worry.

Since the 2007 incident I have gone on a weight-watchers diet and lost nearly 30Kg
(60 lb). Now I can fit in a UK size 14 skirt and hoping to drop 1 further size soon. My face as become noticeably thiner, which probably has resulted in some de-feminisation of my features. But I will only know when I have a chance to wear full make up with long hair. I am yet to figure how get hold a wig like I used to own.

I will let you know how I get on...

[KristaE]

That's a risky gambit. I would look into good pro-CD marriage counselors. It sounds like your marriage needs outside help and you are on a path that I think will definitely lead to your wife finding out. Tread carefully.

[Kathryn Philips]

I know, this is all very dangerous. It will end in tears. But I am not or ever will be... just a man.

[Melissa Rose]

Kattie, I'm so sorry you are having to resort to hiding and subterfuge to express your feminine side. Unfortunately, it will be a matter of "when" and not "if" your wife finds out about it again. If you think it will end in tears, in my opinion, it will be much better for her to find out from you rather than her discovering it on her own. Her emotions will be stronger and more negative since she will feel betrayed, lied to and disrespected. Your emotions will also be raw once directly confronted. Mature and rational discussion disappears once emotions and nerves are exposed and raw. It will be ugly and difficult no matter how she finds out, but more if it she finds out on her own. Minimizing the unavoidable pain is the best path for all involved. It is a shame that your wife is not more accepting and understanding, but that is the reality of the situation. I wish you strength and courage no matter how things progress.

[gwenbeth]

Kattie I so understand where you are coming from. After years of repressing and hiding who I really am, I came out to my wife and have started seeing a therapist who understands CD issues. But my wife is non accepting and as I have exploring this other side of myself I have been having to keep it hidden from her. I have been doing the same thing you have such as using cash or buying at wal-mart to hide what I have been doing. I don't know whether or not our relationship will survive this but I too feel I have to be me.

And by the way congratulations on the weight loss

[Elsa]

Great points raised by Melissa Rose. Good luck.

[Tanya C]

Secret dressing didn't work so well the first time around so it's doubful that it will be any better the second time because you can almost bet you'll get caught.
You need to be honest and explanatory about your crossdressing. You've got to let her know that this is a major part of your life. For twelve years you hid it, then for three more years you denied it. It's time to tell her that you're a crossdresser.

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear that you are in this dilemma but i have to agree with the rest in that you are courting trouble if you do not explain things to your wife and at least let her know what you would like to do then if she does find things it will not be so much as a shock and feeling betrayed.
You say that you love your wife but because she will not accept your dressing it sort of even things out , loving someone is a lot different then not liking it because they will not accept something you need to do so i think love has the advantage so i would not call it even , if you ask most of the GGs on there they will all say that it is the hiding that they feel most betrayed about although i do realise that there are always exceptions to the rule, so try to get your wife to at least talk about it some time as that can only benefit you both .

[dominique]

I know how you feel. My wife found out when looking at pics on computer of me dressed. My non dressing period lasted only a few months it was really hard. I have to scrimp and save also to find out ways to get make up etc. Its very hard to do. Good luck.

[Shari]

It sounds as if you've already made your decision. Sort of like, "Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead."

It also sounds like there's no room at all in your wife's life to even discuss it with you, let alone seek help through therapy. Seems as though the "peace talks" option was closed a long time ago.

I'd give it one more shot with her. The worst she can do is say no and it will be no different than from where you are right now.

If it doesn't work out, I hope you never get caught.

[Sandra]

I'm sorry but you are heading for disaster, and when not if she finds out WW3 will happen.

Sit her down and talk to her explain how you feel and that you cannot hide this anymore and how it's affecting you. Tell her about the FAB forum we have here at least then she'll know that she's not alone in this and can come and chat with other wives/partners and try to get more of an understanding.

Just please don't hide it from her.

[Amy Lynn3]

I agree with what has already been said and my advise is, when you buy some panties, make sure they are big girl ones and sit down with the wife and tell her how big of a part of your life cding is. Make some type of commitment to keep it out of her sight, but let her know you can't continue without some form of expression of cding. You MUST put this issue in her hands, because it will destroy you from within if you don't.

[ikthys]

A question: Is secret dressing gonna be enough? Will it REALLY satisfy what you feel you need so bad that you're willing to throw away your marriage and abandon your daughter? If so, then I have nothing else to say. If not, then I ask the next question: Is it possible that, since you are willing to take a partial version (dressing that is not open to your wife), you could also be willing to take even less (temporarily at least) IF it meant working through this and reaching for what really IS going to satisfy you in the long run, even if it requires an ugly and difficult fight with your wife in order for her to openly talk about what's going on in your marriage? I mean, it sounds like it can't get any worse anyway, right? I definitely relate to your feelings (especially the love/hate neutrality quagmire) and the depth of your desire (how I dream some moments of doing the same). I will pray for you and your family.

[linda allen]

I have to agree with most of the responses. You have to tell her now. Counselling for both of you may help or it may not. Staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of your child is no good for you or your wife. You can still love and care for your child if you and your wife split up over this.

[lauraabdl]

I must agree with the consensus. I hid it for years and then slowly came out to my SO, that lasted for years, then I realized I had to dress more and do it up with makeup and try to pass, the need to get out was greater than anything I had experienced. My SO of 16 years has since left and moved back to where her children live. She tried to destroy all of our mutual friendships and neighbors opions. Some worked and some didn't. I am more at peace with myself these days now but the lonelyness sets in from time to time and I miss my grandchildren talking to me alot. I know in my heart that I'm better off, the woman inside of me could not stay in the closet any longer, I'm 58 and my time is now, couldn't wait any longer.
Be sure you think things out before you go down this path, there is no turning back after she finds out agian.

[NicoleScott]

Some of the posts above say to tell her now or it will be a disaster when she finds out. If you tell her now, it could be a disaster now. Sadly, there are wives who will not tolerate a crossdressing husband, so it will be a disaster either now or later.
If you decide to tell her now, tell her - don't ASK her. And add the next time she throws your stuff away, you will throw her stuff away.

[Kathryn Philips]

Thank you for all your comments.

When I got busted in 2007, after a few days we talked a bit about it. She had indicated that she might tolerate a bit of partial dressing if I really needed it. As we spoke more she backtracked and went back to the stance of zero tolerance. Then she went on to suggest that I should seek treatment with a psychiatrist to get cured of my "illness". When she considers being a crossdresser as having an illness
it is clear that her position would never change. I tried to reason with her and said that we should both seek some counselling but she said that the only person who needed counselling was me.

I have kept busy these years with work and my hobbies, but during every spare moment I have been thinking about my inner female feelings...

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Well did she just go in and threw your personal items out without your knowledge or did you know? Like that is damn great if she went in to your space and simply threw out what she did not like. For me and this is only MY opinion, where is her respect for you and your belongings. I do not think she has any respect for your belongings and maybe even you. Sorry but I do not and will never trust anyone who has no respect for me and my belongings. I have my space and within that space are my things, not anyone elses. I would go ballistic if anyone came into my worshop and simply threw out any tool that does not suit them. Like I have a draughting table and I never used it for years except it makes a damn good storage shelf if that got thrown out it would be the birth of a black hole because I would condense matter to such an extent it would implode. Ooohhhh energy release needed where is the lippie.

[JenniferR771]

My situation is smoewhat similar--my wife is domineering and controlling and does not like my cding. Perhaps leave a lieeter with your stuff--explaining your need to dress and so forth. She will only find the letter if she discovers your stash. Better yet store it in an off site rentee storage. or at a local friend's house. A cd.

[kimdl93]

Kattie,

Since you have a family that needs you and you say that you love your wife, so I hope you might try to re-engage in the discussion with your wife. Would you first consider some sort of joint therapy with your wife...try to identify a therapist who is TG friendly and supportive, and see if there can't be some level of compromise reached.

[Jenny Gurl]

If your therapist is legit they will know CD is not an illness and cannot be "cured". During your sessions you may benefit from it, and eventually the therapist may want to see you both together. The therapist will then explain to her CD is not curable, and that it is not going away. At this time, the therapist will probably suggest you both work on on boundaries you both can live with.

[Kaz]

Hey Kattie,

I know in the UK we are less into the therapist/counselling route... I wouldn't even know where to find one, and if I did, I would probably need to train them on CD issues!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My wife has (I think) finally accepted that I do this, BUT.. we are "mature", i.e. the kids are almost finally left the nest (graduations this year - but we need to make sure they don't rebound) and all that goes with that, she does not want this to be visible to her, and she does not want to be with an "embarrassing crossdresser"... so it is all in private, but with some latitude (I think - these things change!)

Good Luck! :hugs::love:

[Laciegurl]

I was in the boat of my SO being accepting and helping me with makeup then one day she popped. It wasn't cool with her no more. I can't really help cause my situation, as all are, was a little different. All I can offer is an opinion. I refused to give up this part of my life. I've been doing it since me and a cousin of mine was running around as kids in some of our mom's old dresses we found at grandma's house. I've been doing it too long and have always wished I was really a girl. I've even been mistaken for a girl when I was younger (14 15 years old). I think I was born this way and it's me it's who I am. It took me till a few years ago to come to terms with this and let people in on my secret. I am in the middle of a divorce now (completely unrelated to my CDing or is it). I wouldn't budge on who I am. I was tormented when I couldn't be me. You have to be who you are.

[Dannie Girl]

It is sooo important to be true to yourself. good luck!

[SamanthaS]

I'm with Krista on this one. You will get caught, trust me. Better to seek counseling babe :)

[Dannie Girl]

I am a therapist. The only time CD seek treatment is due to relationship problems. Yes you are right there is not a cure! Plus most CD do not want to change. :)

[sterling12]

I'm in agreement with The Others. I think your wife finding out about this is just a matter of "when," and not "if." Perhaps you can sit down and explain your absolute compulsion/need to her, but my guess would be that it won't work. Your Previous Experience points toward an outcome that will be emotional, bitter, and ending in tragedy. But, each person changes with each passing day, and perhaps you two can reach some sort of "accommodation." She certainly will not react favorably if she finds that you have been deceiving her....so, it's worth a try.

HOWEVER, before you take that step; I would advise you to seek counsel with a good solicitor. If you aren't prepared with a good defense, your wife's attorney could easily portray you as heartless, and selfish; totally unconcerned about The Welfare of your disabled Daughter! No doubt you will need PROOF from a trained psychiatric counselor who is familiar with The Imperative that is usual with being transgendered. You will need to prove your not just being hedonistic!

I could be accused of being a "couple of jumps" ahead of your situation. I am! But, we have seen this scenario before. Remember The Old Adage: "Forewarned is Forearmed!"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[NicoleScott]

Counseling for what purpose? The wife won't go, and thinks Kattie should go to cure the cd-ing. We know that won't happen.
So I guess Kattie should go to counseling alone, come home and tell the wife that the counselor said cd-ing is ok, not an illness to be cured, that the real problem is her intolerance, and divorce is the only solution.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Are you married to my EX?? HAHAHAHA!


I REALLY do understand where you are. I wish I didn't but I do.

Add up the cost of what you are doing. Ask yourself if you can handle the costs. She will tell you daughter..with HER spin on it. She will tell your friends, church friends, family, and maybe even people what you work. Don't said.."NO she will not!" I have been there dear. I was that stupid. She will crucify you.

When the bottom falls out on you...I will be here to chat and try to keep your spirits up.

Em

[sterling12]

Counseling for what purpose? The wife won't go, and thinks Kattie should go to cure the cd-ing. We know that won't happen.
So I guess Kattie should go to counseling alone, come home and tell the wife that the counselor said cd-ing is ok, not an illness to be cured, that the real problem is her intolerance, and divorce is the only solution.



Sorry, I think you misunderstood. I would imagine it's very likely that this marriage will end up in Divorce Court. She's going to need an "Expert Witness" that she's been working with, to testify about her Transgendered Situation. That Psychologist will probably need to explain to The Court about her "femme-self" being an integral part of her total persona, and that it's NOT a habit, addiction, hedonistic indulgence, or anything else which can be expurged. To "kill off" The Femme Self is akin to an Act of Suicide. That will need to be established, cause' her Wife's Attorney will be trying to prove that she's just being selfish and cares nothing about her Daughter or Wife. If she starts working with someone NOW, and establishes A Therapeutic Relationship, it's a lot easier to establish credibility, when The Time comes.

Most any TS Gurl can vouch for what I'm saying. The Shrinks are often about half-blind about us, but they are often a necessary evil. You have to fit all The Pieces into the Puzzle in Court. You have to "prove" your case. Seeing A Shrink would establish that she's "trying" to deal with Things, and if The Wife refuses to attend? That won't look good in Court!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[GingerLeigh]

She already knows about your feminine side and yet is still with you. That's the hard part. I still have yet to reveal myself to my wife, so I'm probably not the best person to ask. I know I'm hypocritical to say so but....
If you absolutely must crossdress (and I know you must), you may have to explain it to her as to why. Set up parameters, talk to councilors if she will agree to it. She has to know where you are coming from and why. Your last subterfuge failed miserably and there is no reason to think it will not fail again. Either you're bad at hiding it, or she is really a natural born detective. She will find out and likely your marriage will end badly. If you talk it through, you may be able to find some kind of middle ground. Emphasize MAY. Fail to tell her anything, she'll discover it and you and you're relationship is toast. That's almost a certainty.

Good luck, Take all advice on this with a grain of salt. It is your decision, and any failures or successes in what you choose to do are your own.

Just my two cents....

Ginger

[JulieC]

...to suggest that I should seek treatment with a psychiatrist to get cured of my "illness". When she considers being a crossdresser as having an illness it is clear that her position would never change. I tried to reason with her and said that we should both seek some counselling but she said that the only person who needed counselling was me.

I've seen this from time to time on this forum; posters here telling of their wives having precisely this position. I don't have any answers on how to navigate through that, to get to a point of greater understanding. I wish I did. I know some women have been able to move past this idea, but I've not seen too many success stories.

I understand your need to express yourself, and that the constant suppression of that self is torture. As well, others on this forum have told us of the sometimes extreme negative effects on their lives from long term suppression.

If there was no child in the mix, I'd suggest more direct approaches in dealing with this, understanding that there would be a high likelihood of divorce. But, there is a child in the mix, one who needs considerable support. She didn't choose the life she has, and as parents you owe it to her to try as hard as you can to give her the best upbringing she can have.

It's a terrible, conflicting mess. There's no 'good' way through this. I think the path you've chosen offers some hope; a chance to express yourself without necessarily risking your marriage. Some posters here on this forum have gone decades with their wives not discovering. But, the chance of your wife rediscovering is higher than a wife who discovers the first time. Any hints, any clues, any digressions in conversation, might be tied by her into suspicions that you've begun dressing again.

Be careful. Be very, very careful. Even posting on this forum needs to be done in such a way that she has no chance of tracking it.

[Stephanie47]

Dannie girl! I may not be able to speak for everybody, but, as for me, I cannot change. It is not that I do not want to change. It would be less stressful if I were not a crossdresser. I've had this urge, fetish, or whatever one may call it, for over fifty years. I was come to accept it. My wife tolerates my cross-dressing. It is more like, "Don't ask, Don't tell." I would not push it in her face. Many years ago she told me to attend a support group, but, I remain in the closet out of ever embarrassing her and my family. If she ever put her foot down, I'd be more than happy to be divorced and enjoy my other side to the fullest. If you are going to have no favorable resolution to your problem, maybe, it is better to end the relationship now. Somethings in marriage are just, well, deal breakers.

[Vicki_M]

I understand your dilemna, but the truth is you can't stop, if you could, then you would, but the urge always comes back eventually. I know, I once stopped for 8 years while in the army.

It goes against what other people have said, but from my perspective, just be ultra careful. Good luck!

[Kathryn Philips]

Thanks for all your advice. Those of you who think I am making a big mistake with my decision, you are probably right. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the weekend and I have decided to take it very easy. Not to seek every opportunity availabe to dress as I did back in 2007.

I am what I am, I like what I am, I love the knowing and feeling that part of me is a girl. I dont want to change to something that others expect me to be and want me to be and that I dont want to be. I will live in the confort that no one can ever control how I think and feel. I will continue to hate when my work colleages talk only about sports and how they talk about women when none (other than me:heehee:) are around. I will continue to watch mostly "chick flicks" on the TV, etc. I will also know that ocasionaly I will have the oportunity to look in the mirror and see who I want to see.

2 days ago the first oportunity to partially dress came up. I took it, just enough time to break a little into my recently bought heels and to shake-of 3 years of wearing trousers. I did take some pictures, not for vanity but to study how I look now that I am 60lb lighter; the shape of my body, how a skirt hangs now that I have a bit more of a waist and to find out how my face could potentilly look will full make-up and long hair . You may see some of this at a later date in another part of the forum wher I will be seeking some beauty advice and opinion.

In the mean time once again, thanks for your advide.

[kimdl93]

I think you are making the right choice - remember you are who you are, regardless of how you happen to be dressed.

[Allsteamedup]

You say that your wife is the intractible one, but when she throws a lifeline, the counselling, you rejected it.
As the parents of as disabled child you already have full plates, so when do either and both of you get spare time to do anything but look after your daughter? And you want to split that time for some dressing (which would be better out of the house at a monthly support group: you are spoiled for choice in London). And then you want to find time for couinselling on top? Phew!!
Nobody goes into counselling with a set agenda for an outcome!
Just think, with joint custody your wife would get half her week to spend on herself! You would hold down a job, look after your daughter and find time for dressing....
I'd take the counselling. That way your decisions to end it would give you a better basis for the lifelong welfare of your daughter, and the further decisions you need to make, together, for her.
By now, an argument about dressing looks awfully small compared to the welfare of your daughter.