What if you are contemplating both parenthood and transition?

[Jay Cee]

My gf and I are trying to have a child. Or children, according to her. I'm saying let's try one, and see how that goes. :)

Sorry, I digress. Anyways, she's almost 40, so the clock is ticking, so to speak. I've heard of women having babies in their 40's, but the odds are slimmer. I've got no problem with being a parent, but I'm not sure I can be a father.

Truth be told, the idea of transitioning is in my head on pretty much a daily basis. I need to go for therapy, obviously, to get that sorted out.

My SO knows that I am a crossdresser. She encourages it, but never pressures me either way. She also knows that there is a chance that I will transition. Again, acceptance, but I can see that she is a bit scared, too. She does want me to be happy, and to be "the best me I can be." (did how mention how cool she is? :daydreaming: ) Not sure we will stay together if I go through with it, but we're pretty sure we will still be the best of friends.

I suppose my question to all of you who are transitioning and are parents as well (or to anyone who knows someone in that position) is... how do you deal with it? How do you explain it to your children? When do you explain it to them? How do you deal with your respective families. I know there are going to be issues there, especially with my side of the clan. They can be a bit... redneck-ish.

Any other advice?

[Traci Elizabeth]

In my case, my child is an adult and she has accepted me. My teenage grand daughter is having a more difficult time with it and my grandson who is under 5...well that is all he has known so to him their is nothing different about me.

I would think that if you are transitioned by the time your child is aware and has cognition, then that is the only way they will know you and that will be normal until the chils interacts with other children but by that time, your child should remain accepting.

[DeeDee1974]

In my case, I have some frozen sperm that I set asde before transitioning. In my current marriage kids are out of the question. My wife is 55 and her daughters are almost my age. I really see this marriage lasting after a rough patch, but f it doesn't and I met a younger woman who knows. Honestly I would be more likely to be with a guy. LOL.

[sandra-leigh]

When I started seriously contemplating HRT, the hypothetical possibility of being a parent at some point was one of my biggest concerns. It isn't possible in my current marriage due to the age of my wife, but it was difficult to give up on the possibility that someday I might find myself in a relationship where reproduction was a possibility.

As I processed this concern, I realized that if I was going to take parentage seriously, that it would mean breaking up with my wife and actively seeking out someone about 15 years younger than me, the sooner the better. But I've been through a lot with my wife, and although the relationship is sometimes rocky, putting her aside for the sake of the possibility of having a child was not something that I wanted to do. Once I had made that fundamental decision about staying with her or tearing the relationship apart just to persue parenthood, my fundamental internal angst about starting HRT "fell away".

[Traci Elizabeth]

Sandra,

Gee! That sounds so clinical.

[Jessinthesprings]

First of all you Have to tell your girlfriend that you are thinking about transitioning. Could it lead to you splitting up? Possibly, but if she wants a child you need to do her the curtisy of letting her know that your future may include this and how it will effect rasing a child. My son is 2 and my wife and I chose to have children so early in our marriage because of the effects of hormones. We did not take into consideration with how it will effect Xander growing up. How can I attend school plays, games, and everything else without his peers knowing that his father is HER. I have not come to an conclusion, but its unlikely that he will never get teased for this. And what of other parents? What if he never gets to go to sleep overs or have friends at his birthday party because his dad is a "freak".

I love my son with all my heart and aside from the pregnancy part I get to experiance motherhood and so far has been very rewarding and difficult

[Debglam]

Hey, I just posted a thread on a documentary on just this topic:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?147386-Anyone-See-the-TV-Show-quot-Transgendered-amp-Pregnant-quot&referrerid=84571

[Areyan]

i think jessinthesprings raises a very important question, one you should be asking yourself and your wife before you even contemplate bringing a child into the picture. if you and your wife both believe that transition may split you up have you discussed who gets primary custody of the child? also, raising children is a lot of work - regardless of your wife's age and life experience she will find solo parenthood a nightmare at her advancing age. babies and young children are tiresome, demanding little people that really need all that attention. if you are going to raise the child yourself it's a whole new ballpark and as the above suggestion stated - if you're never truly passable your child WILL get picked on and treated badly for her/his freak of a parent.

i speak from experience with being a solo parent to two children. they have already suffered through a step-parent's transition and the resulting bullying that went along with it. kids are mean and constantly bullied my son over his step-dad being a girl. it got so bad that oneday my son came home badly battered and i had to rush him to hospital to treat possible head injuries from these ignorant little creeps. as a result i no longer live with my partner and we carry on our friendship as secretly as possible. i have enough problems with my own family believing i "caught teh ghey" from her (they truly have no idea what my life has been like) and that she's the only reason for my desire to be male. :facepalm:

my transition is going to be a gradual (and hopefully) clandestine experience as i slowly masculinize over time and i realize the stakes are high but i'm prepared to move around the country if i have to just so my children are safer from bigots while my transition takes place. they are both about to enter puberty and i know it's the worst time ever for me to do this but i am running out of coping strategies for my life as a female-bodied person and i know i'm going to need to transition very soon. good luck with your decisions, it seems like you and your wife have a lot to discuss here.

[Aprilrain]

Turn back now! Reconsider! It's pure hell! You have no idea what you are talking about! And that's just the kid part transitions hard too.

[Jay Cee]

...i speak from experience with being a solo parent to two children. they have already suffered through a step-parent's transition and the resulting bullying that went along with it. kids are mean and constantly bullied my son over his step-dad being a girl. it got so bad that oneday my son came home badly battered and i had to rush him to hospital to treat possible head injuries from these ignorant little creeps. as a result i no longer live with my partner and we carry on our friendship as secretly as possible. i have enough problems with my own family believing i "caught teh ghey" from her (they truly have no idea what my life has been like) and that she's the only reason for my desire to be male. :facepalm...

I am truly sorry to hear about what your kids are going through, Areyan. There must be some pretty wicked bullies in that school.

Yes, there will be lots of questions to ask and be answered. I have no illusions that either parenting or transitioning will be easy. My SO and I do have a pretty strong relationship and friendship, so we'll figure out something.

[Stephanie Heplby]

Not terribly apropos of this thread, but parenthood is still possible through adoption. You simply need to find a progressive agency. These things exist.

Many people would be surprised at how difficult it actually is to have children. My wife and I thought (like most people) that we would just pop out a couple. Turns out that such a thing is largely genetically impossible on both sides. As in many cases, transition makes no impact on fertility: it was never there.

I am looking forward to being a good mother through adoption.

[NiCo]

Hi Jay, I don’t really know what to say to you about your situation but if you feel it is right then do what you have to do. Yeah there is a possibility you may split with your partner if you transition but that gives NO ONE a right to tell you that you should not have children because of that. This is your choice. If you want it, get it. It is good that you and your partner will always be friends, it would be concerning if you knew it would be a warzone if you two split. Kids should not be raised in spaces they don’t feel safe in when they should. There is nothing wrong with a child growing up with a single parent and another supportive parent who does not live with them. My sister is doing amazingly as a single parent; her kids are not affected even though their father is a waste of space. Kids are tough. They adapt well.

It is hard to raise a kid, I am not a parent myself but I am a guardian to my seven-year-old nephew [which is pretty damn close to parenthood] who has learning/ behavioural difficulties. He does not know of my past because he was born around the time I began transitioning and by the time he was old enough to single me out, I was his uncle. End of. Sometimes it is easier that way, to have a kid just before transition. I have heard of success stories of parents whose kids were supportive of their choices. As I said, kids are tough.


As in many cases, transition makes no impact on fertility: it was never there.

I am looking forward to being a good mother through adoption.

Ah this is something I can empathise on. I have always been infertile but only found out within the last few years. From the intersex idea to endometriosis and a “huge chance of developing cervical cancer” as my doctor/ specialist said, which then led to an emergency hysto at 21 years old. I had allsorts going through my head at that time but knowing I was not fertile from day one made the surgery easier to handle. I have a choice to adopt, but since I have my nephew, it looks unlikely.

So, yeah…even if for any reason you cannot have biological kids, there are always other ways. Being transgender should not affect the adoption process. There are a lot of checks but it is easy if you have nothing to hide.

All the best :)

[Nicki S]

Turn back now! Reconsider! It's pure hell! You have no idea what you are talking about! And that's just the kid part transitions hard too.Well said!! For me, raising kids has been VERY unrewarding.

[RachelOKC]

Jay Cee's situation sounds similar to mine. I have not transitioned, but have strongly considered it for some time. I have a supportive spouse, and problematic family members. (My side is fine. Hers...not so much.) Like a lot of us Gen-X'ers, our desire to have kids came a bit later in life.

We now have a two year old son and the one thing that I swore was that I would never hide my TG nature from him just as I couldn't hide it from my partner. Seriously...in 2011, who would do that? I think openness, honesty, and gentle explanations are a must, and that is the path we have chosen with our child. We expect difficult times and embarassing moments, but we don't fear them.

Last June, after returning home from the San Francisco TG March with my child, I watched the news. They showed clips from the march, and one of them wound up being a close up of me pushing my son in his baby stroller. I was a bit shocked that they had chosen that particular image, but I also realized that it was an image with power, whether to incite hatred against us or incite pride for us. I’m choosing the latter. I was very proud to show I am a TG parent and proud to have my child with me. He is too young to understand now, but I hope when he is older he’ll be proud of me for having always included him in this part of my life.

[Gabriella77]

Hey all, im fairly new to transitioning (only started the whole process last June) however its been something i had always planned to do since i was in my mid teens. I actually made the choice early on to put off transition for 2 reasons 1st was an unwarranted fear of my parents reaction and the second, and prolly main reason, was to just so i could have kids of my own, I didnt want to adopt. Right from a very young age i knew i wanted to have kids, and would have sold my soul for even the slightest chance to be able to bare them my self (even to this day i still have the same wish) however i knew it would never happen so the next best thing for me way to put off transition till i had met someone that i loved and that loved me for who i really was and to have as many children that we wanted. Just so happens that 3 kids was the magic number, with no. 3 due to be born in late Feb (26th to be exact). Well i guess what im trying to say is that if you want something bad enough you will find a way to make it happen and work for you, no matter of the situation you are in. Kids that grow up with transition will not know any different and in the end will most likely be the start of more understanding, relaxed and groovy generation. My daughter whom is 4 is forever complimenting me on how pretty i look and has actually become closer to me since i started transitioning. The wonderful mothers at the kindergarten she was attending accepted me with open arms and open hearts. (and they knew me before i started) I actually felt like one of the mothers and i loved it. No i know that my story may not be typical and that there are alot of small minded people out there but my belief is that one should be mindful of the negative yet focused on the positive. Your kids will love you so long as you love them right.