I think I'm transgendered

[Genivieve]

I post mostly on the crossdress forum but I've recently had more time to be alone, take my time, and dress up. My attitude towards the whole process wasn't exciting or sexual in any way. It just felt right. I guess I could go on and on but for the moment I can say that things have become a bit more clear for me.
I surely identify as female and would embrace everything that comes with it. It makes more sense to me than anything else. I have never accepted my manhood... I hated when I grew hair on my face and body. I recall never even touching my penis or looking at it until I was 17 or so. Very strange but so many memories, details and feelings are coming to me now.

I know that at this point taking any serious action is not possible but I don't know how to embrace this part of me that is hidden. I kind of feel sick and really stressed about it. It has totally pushed me to do reckless things at times...Then I sometimes channel that energy into my artwork.

I wish I grew up in a situation when I was younger where my family would have understood. I used to dress up since I was 5 or so. I remember at age 12 spending time with my sister and deciding that I wanted to be a girl. My family caught me many times but treated it with violence. Ugh if I had transitioned then I likely would have been passable and happier for sure..

[Ericka2]

I totally agree with you and as I read your thread I get a grasp of what is going on within me, your story is very similar to lot of us here, I been visiting here for a while now and believe me when I say that you get lots of support and friends that are going thru the same and sometimes it may seem confusing, but you are what your mind is telling you who you are, I fought it for over 35 yrs and still some doubts, but the one thing I don't regret is the support that I've fund here.

Love, Ericka

[Jessinthesprings]

ok so just to point out... if you crossdress you fall into the catagory of being transgendered already. However, your description does seem to show that you have transexual tendencies. However, the only person who can answer this question is you. Therapy will aid you in supplying you with the tools you need to figure this out. Sadly there is no blood test or anything scientific to answer your question.

[Stephanie Anne]

Most of us pretty much came to the determination over a period of time that we could no longer have the emotions that are characteristic of your description. We either sought counseling and accepted we needed to transition regardless of outside hinderences, had epiphanies and just transitioned, or accepted transition is not necessary and wen on to accept that.

Advice? Ditch regret about the what ifs. Nothing you can do to change the past. Accept you have these feelings and that they are not a mental disorder. If you are having anxiety, depression, or worse because of a lifetime of questioning, go seek someone to talk it out with. Seeing a therapist is not something you do to start transition, they are only here to help you get past the disorders you may have from not accepting who you are.

So get help if you need it, learn to relax about the anxiety, and transition if and when you are ready.

[NathalieX66]

No need to dwell on the past. Live for today & plan for the future.

Yes, Ok I have no plans to transition, but the fact that I show up in the most public of public places (supermarket, shopping malls, restaurants, Starbucks) en femme sometimes, I guess it would amply qualilfy me as transgender, and I am happy with it. First I thought that it's just weird, but it is who I am.

[Melody Moore]

I can only endorse what Jess & Stephanie have both said.

Your description does sound like you have transsexual tendencies rather than those of a cross-dresser in the transgendered community.
So congratulations for starting to find & accept your true self. :hugs:

[TerryTerri]

Being transgendered was not an easy thing for me to figure out. I had questions and some things just didn't make sense. I crossdressed off and on and carried way too much guilt and shame for it. One day a friend pointed out to me that crossdressing does no harm. So, I was able to start letting go of the guilt and shame when I realized how right she was. One of my first epiphanies toward being more than a crossdresser was sitting in a hotel room on a business trip, girled up as best I could and realizing I felt more whole, less fractures inside.

Fast forward a few months and the depression I had been living with for too long and for which I was unable to reverse directions on got me to the point of contemplating suicide. That scared me enough to get my attention. I sought help from a gender therapist. I needed help from a gender therapist. She was wonderful for me. Amongst other things, we explored my past in a gender perspective and that really helped me to see that I was transgendered. She also gave me the affirmation and emotional acceptance that I needed to be enough able to be okay with being transgendered that I could get to my own truth. She helped me by knowing the questions I needed to ask myself and contemplate. Anyway, with a very big dose of factual evidence about myself, I was able to admit that I am transgendered.

What has also been extremely helpful to me was doing my best to lay aside any guilt and shame about it all. It was not my 'fault' that I was born this way. I did nothing 'wrong' to warrent this. It is simply a card in life I was dealt. So far, I like the perspective of looking at this as simply as a birth defect. I was born into the wrong gendered body and THAT is my dilemma.

btw, I started HRT and it also really drove home the realities of this to me. HRT almost eliminated me sex drive, shrunk my wrong parts significantly and surprisingly I embraced that. The HRT really helps me from an emotional and mental perspective. It really lessens the internal fracture feeling I lived with for so long.

Some of us gals know from day 1. Others of us struggle into adulthood with this. I don't think it matters as far as being transgendered which camp you fall into. If you are, you are, it's that simple.

Being transgendered also is not a given that you need or will transition. My jury is still out on that count. But, simply knowing my truth and being on HRT has made my internal life so much better than it has ever been before. It has not been without costs however. My marriage was a victim to this. Thankfully, my friendship with my ex-wife still exists.

Anyway, this whole thing is a process with many baby steps along the way. I say take your time, get professional help and relax about it. The best thing is that you are seeking your answers and not trying to run away from them or yourself. None of us knows your answers. If you diligently and honestly seek them, you will discover yourself, regardless of who or what you may find. Good Luck!!

[Areyan]

Most of us pretty much came to the determination over a period of time that we could no longer have the emotions that are characteristic of your description. We either sought counseling and accepted we needed to transition regardless of outside hinderences, had epiphanies and just transitioned, or accepted transition is not necessary and wen on to accept that.

Advice? Ditch regret about the what ifs. Nothing you can do to change the past. Accept you have these feelings and that they are not a mental disorder. If you are having anxiety, depression, or worse because of a lifetime of questioning, go seek someone to talk it out with. Seeing a therapist is not something you do to start transition, they are only here to help you get past the disorders you may have from not accepting who you are.

So get help if you need it, learn to relax about the anxiety, and transition if and when you are ready.

:yt:

i couldn't have said it better myself. i wish you lots of luck on your journey.

[Aprilrain]

Some times it helps to see the same thing written many different ways so here goes, go see a therapist who is versed in gender issues. I don't know where you live but most cities of any size will have some kind of support group, this would be a great place to start. You can ask people there who they recommend and start making friends who will accept you for who you are be that a cross dresser or a transsexual. If you do transition these people will be invaluable to you.

[Hope]

Yeah - i think you are transgendered too. Generally I think that this is one of those situations, where if you have to ask the question... But it doesn't matter what i think. Or what anyone else thinks. i t matters what you think.

And that bit about taking any action being impossible... it's BS. You don't know it yet, but it IS BS. We have all been there, and the sooner you can get past that, the better off you will be. I gave up a lot of years to the lie that I was too old, to tall, to big, too masculine, too whatever to transition.

Go see a therapist... that is the place to start.

[April]

No need to dwell on the past. Live for today & plan for the future.

You sound like me! :)

[tanyalynn51]

Lots of similarities to me, to. I think that in itself says something, too. I echo the other girls that say going to a therapist will help. It certainly has helped me. Good luck.

[Aeva]

I wish I grew up in a situation when I was younger where my family would have understood. I used to dress up since I was 5 or so. I remember at age 12 spending time with my sister and deciding that I wanted to be a girl. My family caught me many times but treated it with violence. Ugh if I had transitioned then I likely would have been passable and happier for sure..

Some people, transitioning in life much later than you come out looking amazing; some people much younger than you who transition still need surgery to look natural. Many cisgender people get to live their whole lives with average bodies, and seem to do ok with it. The reality is, it just wasn't safe for you to transition (let alone come out) back then. The world wasn't ready for you. But the world today is yours to make the best of. And you're able to do so today, because you stayed safe.

You did the best you could with what you had - there is no shame in that.