Parents Found Out, Need Advice :(

[Paula TV]

Basically, I had started working again for the short-term, and I felt I had the months of January and February wide open to be able to attend any t-girl events after only starting to really last month, by lying to my parents that I had night shifts, that was my only excuse to be able to go, I felt. When I came home from my second meet and greet, my parents were worried sick, I slipped up with "evidence", which was a train ticket, and after being interrogated and pushed into a tight corner, I felt I had no other choice but to come out with the truth, that I was a crossdresser. I couldn't believe this would ever happen. My parents were shocked and the end result is, if I do it again, I'd be disowned and kicked out and written out the will, and they would tell my only brother, who wouldn't take it any better. Furthermore, my phone was taken off me, I'm not allowed to use a phone, I'm not allowed access to my bank account (paying to get into meets/dressing), and I'm limited to my internet use. Now I feel I'm made to choose between my family or this, and it's a big, big problem, considering how strongly religious my dad is.

When I got home that night, mum and dad were wondering where I was, and as I found out later they were thinking I wasn't where I was meant to be. This happened before the first time I went to the TV/admirers greet, where my dad is out in the car looking for me. When I got home, I find his car is gone so I knew why, and thought this is ridiculous. Mum was in, questioned me where I was, and while I was in toilet, I then in hindsight, reached the point of no return, when my mum found a train ticket to crossmyloof, which was nothing to do with work, as I worked in the same place i live. So by the time dad came home I was being questioned where the hell I was. They said why I didn't phone up. In hindsight, I could've done this and saved this trouble, but I couldn't be bothered, because my phone was away in my guy clothes, while I was dressed, plus no pockets. Anyway, I didn't tell the truth right away, I said went to a house for a party sheepishly, and they accused me of going to a brothel.

It's unusual for me to be out all night really, and I felt i had no alternative to admit what it was, because dad was going to drive me to show where this house is. This was all after 3am in the morning and it went on until 5am to bed. Took some time for me to admit as I said I felt embarrassed. When I felt I had run out of options and up against a brick wall, I admitted it's to do with crossdressing, then like mum said did you dress up as one, I said yes, and both parents were shocked. Not surprised, I've been very good at covering my tracks online.

I had thought about telling them before, but I knew It would be too negative a reaction, I've heard what both have said about crossdressers before, and yeah, they took it very badly. Mum said these people are sick in the past, and dad said once in the past dressing up in women's clothes is a sin. This is what they said after the revelation. They said if I was gay, I said no, they said i'm halfway there. Dad wanted me out the house, and out of the will, all this was just heat of the moment. Dad says this is what happens, "sin brings misery", and because of me.

I just couldn't believe it happened, I felt guilty hiding it, but I knew they wouldn't approve of it, that's what I said to why I didn't tell them.

There was a bad atmosphere in the house for the rest of the day, however mum was still on talking terms with me, which was in this climate good. I didn't know what to expect but I kept a low profile away from dad, when I came home from work, they wouldn't look at me and ignored me, I got the idea quickly and just went upstairs. I was upset at work that day, because I worried my parents would never be the same with me.

Thankfully things improved. I talked to mum that night, and talked about how I've been using the dresser 2 years, and the excuse I made last month to go was lies, when i had my first night out. I think it was testamount to myself not being an argumentative person, that this thing calmed down. I did try to talk back, but on that night my dad would just shout me down if i disagreed. I don't do fall-outs and I did not want to be in bad terms with my parents.

My mum that day after work, wanted to see the dresser's website and my photos. I was scared because I had my photos in different places where there were more incriminating stuff, like my photos alongside topless guys "gulp". I only managed to show some of my recent ones. She did kept the same opinion that it was sick. I was very worried on the day they would tell my brother, who I think will take it the worst. Mum thinks he would've disowned me. I felt there was no point of telling him as he is away from home, living in the Netherlands with his gf, and what would her family think. Truth is though, I've had a couple of embarrassing slip-ups with my brother, one really embarrassing, and if he knew about me, these 2 things would click together in his head. He still doesn't know exactly.

So after the first day things were back to normal, dad didn't want to see pics, but I never offered him to see them or anything, I didn't want him to see what else was there. on my emails, in my photo albums wherever. Mum just says he'd get angry again about it. Later on in the week though, when I said I got pics taken everytime I went to dressers, mum said there must be more, so I ended up showing her every photo taken there. I was glad I showed, I felt sorry I couldn't show her all. However, I never showed her my photos from home, which would be another argument. I did tell them, that I did dress at home, and bring stuff home. Just that some of the home photos are a bit racy though, none of them though involve nudity or flashing, but me in thongs with top.

I just showed my mum copies of my photos, and she told me to delete them. Mum thinks they're all gone, and so is the email address, but it's not and neither is it the email address i use. I could never delete for good. I still have some on the far flungs of the computer hidden, but most are stored online. There was some things I felt I could tell my mum and there are some things they still don't know, which would lead to futher revelations. They were worrying I was showing my photos online, that somebody is going to see my photos and know who I am. That's the way I used to be like when I first came across this forum, I worried people who never had anything to do with crossdressing would look, like my brother, but if they don't know I'm there, they're not going to look if crossderessing doesn't appeal to them, and they're not going to stick around a place like this. People don't care about it as much as you, that's what I needed to get over.

I was afraid to tell them I have a public presence online, and recently I have become more bolder online. I have 2 other profiles with some pics, they don't know about. Then there's the videos. I didn't tell them I went shopping out with dresser, on the same day was mum was at the same shopping centre too, and I must've just missed her. The worst one of all though, is the time I went out dressed in San Francisco behind my parent's back, where I basically dressed and behaved like a **** 5 years ago. I did tell them though I had started doing it at 18 in house, using mum's make up, on and off, but not alot. I still feel guilty of what I done that night, behind their backs, and never repeated it since, when I have had chance to in future holiday's.

The question is, will my parents ever just let me be, and how strongly do I feel about carrying this on? This happened over a week ago now, and I'm still not allowed access to my bank account, and limited access to my internet, and no mobile phone. Parents are going to see over 6 months how things will go and then maybe I can have them back. I told my mum about next date for tv meet, and she says i won't be going, we'll see though whem the time comes. She thinks I still want to go, and she's right. I was so looking forward to going to a meeting end of jan and then the february one, but it was too good to be true and having a job didn't hold up it's benefits very well.

I do blame myself for this mess, as I am 26, and if I had steady employment I would've been able to get my own place. I was hoping to get my own place this year, but to just move out now, would automatically just put me on bad terms, or if i moved in with a gf, that would be suspicious. My dad had even been talking about it last year.

The biggest issue is just my dad and his religious beliefs, and his attitude. The US cd's here should know this well, but my dad over the last few years has strengthend his Christian beliefs by watching these US tv evangelists, the 2 in question are John Hagee and Benny Hinn. He donates money to Hinn. This is the stronger words he's had with me over crossdressing, he's suggesting I meet a Christian girl and to go Christian groups. He's put in a prayer request for me, he's asked me to pray, which I do, and he's thinking to taking me to some place that will "heal me". I just don't know if he will accept me if I go out to these meets again, only way I can see it happening is if mum lets me, he might go along with her, because I am still their son, and they treated me normally as a son pretty quickly afterwards. He's said some pretty uncomfortable things too. This is because I mentioned the neighbourhood I go to these events are mostly asian, and dad says if this happened within a Asian Muslim family, you might have to be killed to retain their family honour. I said, isn't Islam suppoesed to be a religion of peace? Do you think violence is acceptable then? This all sounds heavy, but he's really just jumping to stereotypes, and I haven't been hit or anything since this has come out.

I've read about crossdressing in the bible online, and there are some ministers who don't see it as a sin, and some who do, whether that also means to deceive I don't know. It is there in black and white to me, but it seems more complicated from what I read, female and male clothing were close to the same in ancient times, and crossdressing is not mentioned in the New Testament which overwrites what was said before about crossdressing.

on the night I was discovered, chance be it or not, but I met a transsexual who says she goes to church every week, and you should be happy who you are. I said this to my mum but I didn't say this to dad, didn't want to anger him.

I feel my dad has got too into this hype from evangelists, he doesn't even go to church, he says though he would if it had the same calibre of evangelists they have in america, not his exact words though. I know for a fact my dad hasn't even bothered to do any research on crossdressers and the bible, I also know he is no saint either, people still have their secrets they won't tell others, I know some of his but not exactly clear if anything happened, but I haven't used it as ammunition against him, while he has been talking about sin. It's hard when you#re from a much more liberal generation than your parents.

I just feel I have even less freedom before all this. It still feels like if I'm caught going again, they'll kick me out and tell my brother. I still feel I have to lie if the time comes I want to go again, which just isn't a nice feeling. Do I want to carry on? Of course I do, over the last few months and for what I was hoping for this year, I've been going more often and now meeting local t-girls, everyone seems nice. When I started crossdressing, it was a sexual thrill I would say, it's still there but it's more platonic. I don't feel this is just some extension of me, it is part of me. I don't feel like a bad person, anything but, having feminine mental attributes makes me less aggressive, and more easier-going, maybe God made me this way. I just feel it's been a true calling for me, it was a natural click and I will never give it up.

Just feel with the family though, they want me to decide between this and family, and I just don't want to do anything that breaks up the family. They want me to mix with "normal" people, they think going to these places is dangerous and jumping to worst case scenario's. Same can be said wherever you go, going to a "normal", heterosexual bar/club, somebody doesn't like the look of you. I would say it's safer, the person in control is somebody you've known for 2 plus years, they're going to look after you.

Since this has happened, I've been wanting to see my dresser to talk about this, and I'm hoping to go soon, and I'll be using her dressing service too, and it has to be daytime like the way it used to be, but after that, I might not do anything for a while. see how it goes.

Just a nightmare now, seems I'll have to wait a litttle longer for independence. My parents have been very good to me in the past, I still stand by that, but i'm an adult and i should be free do what i want as long as I'm not committing a crime, I just have no idea how this going to pan out in the long-term, will they grin and bear it and let me do it? Any scope/experience on this?

[Vickie_CDTV]

Don't feel bad about your situation, I was in a similar situation when I was your age. Times were rough then, and they are worse now (and if your country is anything like the US, it isn't going to get any better any time soon... if ever.) It will be an uphill battle but keep trying and hopefully you can find employment and change your situation. How they are legally allowed to lock you out of your own bank account, or prevent you from having a cell phone I don't understand.

As far as your father's religious views, you will have to agree to disagree. It is very very unlikely he will ever change his opinions, but you may be able to get to the point where you can agree to disagree civilly. My parents know I am a TV and have known for a long time, my mother is supportive but my old man hates it (not out of any sincere religious convictions, he is just a bully); when I (absolutely have to) be around him it wasn't/isn't discussed. That may be the way you have to handle it with your father.

[KristaE]

I'm a bit confused... how do your parents have control over your bank account? You are an adult, right?

I'm sorry you are experiencing this... not all religious people are like this, even in the US. I am very religious and conservative, but I see no conflict with my religious/political views and CDing.

[Pythos]

I thought I had problems with my mom, but this just takes the cake.

Ah Religion, such a font of health and understanding, and love.

Oh what a mad thing it is.

Sin brings misery? How about, ignorance and stupidity bring misery?

[Angiemead12]

My parents know I crossdress and they dont get it and I doubt they ever will. I wanted to come out to society already last year but my grandmother passed away so things got pushed back due to the stresses of the family. Its hard to put my life on hold just because other people cant accept the truth.

Sad part is I work in a family corporation and my dad is also my boss. Things could get ugly in both work and personal life if I did come out so Im stuck to traveling to another country just to release my gender expression.

Im still planning to come out sooner or later when I have saved up enough money to start my own business just in case of problems.

I hope you work out your problems over there, I too am out online, pictures, videos etc! Its the only place I can be the other me.

[CherryZips]

I understand this must be a tricky situation.

I can't offer any advice about the religious aspects as I am not religious. While I respect other people's right to various beliefs I don't respect some of the ideas the religions put forward. Wrestling with crossdressing is tricky enough without adding religious prohibitions to it.

It does occur to me that you are well into adulthood and their denial of your access to money and a mobile phone is illegal. If they are cutting off their money to you that is unfair but legal. But they cannot stop you accessing your bank account or owning a mobile.

You may have to choose between them and living your own life. They sound so extreme this may have always been a problem even if you did not crossdress. Once you are living away from them perhaps they may come to accept you as you are. Do you want to dress publicly or only in some contexts?

Sad to see such illiberal attitudes in Scotland.

Best of luck. Hope things work out.

[Paula W]

It does sound like a very tricky situation. 26 is every bit of an adult capable of choosing their own path in life, but being stuck under the roof of authoritative parents can still make one feel like a child. It sounds like your mother may be a little bit more accepting but is hiding it because she may fear your father finding out. If there is any way to gain some ground back, it would most definitely be through her. When your dad isn't around have a stark talk with your mother about things, I am sure she will at the very least listen without shouting you down. Let her know your real feelings and that you feel like part of you is being held hostage by being treated like a child and blackmailed with your secret. Things probably won't go back to the way they were, but there is a chance at least of improving your situation.

[Rogina B]

You have a"sticky wicket"..lol However,you are not supporting yourself and living under their roof...Best put it all on the back burner until you earn your independence...

[Loni]

let's see...you are 26 and living at home?
parents took your phone away?
locked you out of your bank account?

how can they do this YOU ARE a adult.

do you have a good job?
got cash to rent a studio apt of your own?
if so move out and live on your own.

as for your parents..they will get over this...or not. nothing you can do about it, life has it's ways.
sounds like your father is a bit over bearing, but most fathers into the "book" are this way. read his book i bet you will find things there to help you in your rights with him. as for the will...so what, unless you just want his money (read: he is worth millions).

trying to not be how and what you are is only going to hurt you. not them. and so what if your brother knows..maybe he cross dresses also?
you say your mom is talking to you, then talk to her, get some real info on cross dressing and show her,
...................................keep ALL PORN out of there place. there house there rules............................................. .............

life will change, maybe not for the better. but life goes on, if your mom loves you she will still love you, as for your dad, only time will tell. it depends on if a book is more important then ones own blood.

(to those into religion please do not hate me, i am just posting as a outsider unknowing even what religion this is about). i am of the belief family comes first.

but keep you chin up and post here as you do have friends that can help, if even just to vent out a problem or ask for help.

Loni
.

[Karren H]

At 26 they should have no say so in any of your life except what you do in their house.. Imho. If you were 17 or 18 that's different but once your over 21 then your an adult... It's long past the time to fly the nest... If they don't like the life style you choose then that's their problem, not yours

When our son came out to us as being gay in high school we were concerned but we still love him and support him... Not threaten to kick him out or rremove him from the will!! Good parents love their kids no mater what, imho!!

[Steph.TS]

My parents are also Religious and conservative, My mom knows I want to trnsition, but doesn't approve, I can go through a whole list of reasons why it would be better for me to transition. My dad is becoming (from what I can tell) increasingly unstable, when I was a kid he was strict, and caught me pretty much everytime I did something wrong, but he was consistent, I knew what to expect from him, this weekend I had to do some things that I really didn't want to do and it put me at the risk of losing some expensive equipment to help some one out. I asked him for something he offered a solution and I accepted it, I voiced how I didn't like risking expensive equipment to help someone out, then he refused to lend me anything, told me I was treating him like shit and that he had nothing to do with it. not once did I accuse him or anything but he's so emotional when it comes to dealing with me he just needs something to start snapping at me.

Look I know it's hard dealing with parents that are religious and conservative, I too dare not tell them I want to transition (though I trust my mom enough to say to her) if they tried to deny access to my bank/credit cards, first of all they'd have take those cards from me, if they did that, I'd call the police (reluctantly of course), or just call my bank/credit card company and tell them I lost my cards they'll issue new ones and disable the old cards.

from what you've written, I'd be very careful, you mentioned wanting to go to a dressing service during the day time, but it also sounds like they plan on keeping tabs on you, if they are willing to restrict internet, deny access to your bank while you are an adult, they might just be willing to follow you around too.

I live with my parents for financial security, I'm saving up money to transition, I don't think I'd find the financial deal from my parents else where do to help saving I keep living with my parents. I know that if I move out, I can live my life the way I want to but it has it's risks, it sounds like you are in a similar boat, and that's a choice you have to make for yourself.

Anyways hope things work out for the best I'll be praying for you.

[Jay Cee]

I think the worst part of this is the family blackmail. "If you dress, we will tell your brother." I'm assuming you think highly of your brother, and feel his opinion is important.

If they have cut off access to your bank account, how did they manage to do that? Did they cosign it when you were young? Is their signature on the paperwork? No matter - you are working, and earning money. Time to start up a new account with a new bank, and make damn sure they don't send any documents or statements to your home address.

Oh, and also go to the bank where your current account is, and explain the situation. Tell them you want the account frozen. Just in case your dad decides that he is going to send your money to Benny Hinn to help absolve you of your "sins". :Angry3:

If they don't want you dressing in their house, so be it. You really do need to move out, though. If you can't afford your own place, try to share an apt (flat?) with one or two other people. Preferably with folks tolerant of your crossdressing. Maybe someone at the CD meetings you try to attend can be of help?

As for your folks, maybe they can pray to God (or ask those ****** televangists to do it for them) for some tolerance and acceptance. You are committing no crime or sin, but they sure are. This whole situation is unacceptable. Maybe tell them that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, which in this case is their actions.

And speaking of action, you need to take some yourself. If they cannot accept you for who you are, then you need to get out and take control of your life and your destiny.

Wishing you lots of success with this, Paula.

[Niya W]

First question I had was why are your parents tracking your movements ?
Then I realized your parents are control freaks . God bless you cause I could not put up with those folks or even see them. I know you love them ,but it makes mean question are they mistaking control for love .

[Nicole Erin]

Sounds like your TG activities were kept pretty much away from their home. You said you would go out of town to attend meetings, so that is good.

You said they all freaked out... Well as most of us have experienced, parents try to sweep these things under the rug. It is like the parents freak about their kids being TG (unless parents are accepting or tolerating) but then they just act like it was never said. So basically if you don't bring it up again, you probably won't hear about it from them.

BTW Niya brought up a good point - your parents sound to be control freaks. I grew up with such type step-parents. Trust me, most parents and people are not like that. They of course do have a right to say what goes on in their own house but what you do behind locked doors or AWAY from their house isn't any of their business.

Do remind them that if they tell your brother about this, THEN what will they have? Your brother is in some other country, what does it matter what he thinks?

[PretzelGirl]

Hi Paula! That is quite a lot going on. I think I understand the locking out of things. I am guessing that they are threatening to kick you out if you access the account, use the mobile, etc. Yes, that is entirely wrong, but you are stuck in a bad situation on this one. All of your efforts need to be centered on just getting out of that situation. Blackmail and dominance are not the way parents should treat their children and there is no way you should be putting up with it. I understand that anything could result in your getting kicked out, so bide your time.

Another thing that is important here is working on self acceptance. You are who you are and the tone of your writing is that you are worried about what everyone will think first and what you inner self is second. You cannot have acceptance from others if you don't have acceptance of yourself. It is obvious that you care what your parents and brother think, but they should care in return. Ultimately, you are living your live with yourself first and everyone else second. So come to terms with who you are and that it is the way you will always be, then you can work on the family. And sometimes you can't change their mind (I suspect this is the case with your father, the rest I am not sure about). But if you spend your life worried about making him happy you will be miserable forever.

Get counselling if you wish so you have someone to help guide you through this. It is tough when you are torn between being yourself and keeping the family together (I was about to say keep the family happy, but I am not sure you have that anyway). The other thing is to realize that you cannot control other people's decisions. If you are living your life to be happy and are doing nothing wrong in the process and your father cuts you out of his life, it is his choice and not yours. You cannot control other people's choices, you can only accept them for what they are and move on with your life.

The best of luck to you, but remember that the two key things here for **your** future are to love yourself and to work towards independence so you can't be blackmailed.

[Megan Thomas]

Leave home and get some independence. I would talk about growing a pair but for many of us that's the last thing we want ;). There's no easy way around the situation you're in. All of it involves potential pain and/or loss. That's the price we pay for being true to ourselves. But your parents... They're taking the mickey out of you big time. Rebel, oh young one, rebel!! Or will you just wait until they are both dead???

[Nicole Erin]

Rebel, oh young one, rebel!! Or will you just wait until they are both dead???

Megan forgot to mention, them dying could take years. Might want to start living for yourself asap.
When you do move out they might still try to control your life somewhat but ultimately what can they do?
If your dad threatens with his will, tell him to cram it. That is, unless you can put a price on your happiness.

[Megan Thomas]

Megan forgot to mention, them dying could take years.

Oh, so I did. Silly me ;)

I think what really struck me as I read the OP was I was thinking this is some teeange kid who was stuck between a rock and a hard. When I eventually got to the bit where the OP said they are 26 years old my jaw dropped so far my lipstick fell off! At 26 I had 3 kids, was married, home, job, responsibilities etc. I didn't rely on my parents for anything, let alone allow them to control my life, money, phone, and activities. I know we're not all the same, but gee, 26??? Come on...

[Kelly DeWinter]

" my phone was taken off me, I'm not allowed to use a phone, I'm not allowed access to my bank account (paying to get into meets/dressing), and I'm limited to my internet use " AND you are 26 ?

The problem is not with your crossdressing or with your parents, the problem you have, is with YOU !

At 26 you should:
be out on your own.
have a full time job or two part time jobs
have your own bank account.
make your own decisions.

Even in the worse economy there are multiple part time jobs available.

It sounds as if you have experienced a 'failure to launch' in your personal life. By waiting around for your inheritence you are missing out on living a rich fullfilling life. Even if you are handicapped, which by your articulate post you sound very capable of taking care of yourself. Live life full !

As far as the crossdressing, in this day and age it's easier to be yourself. , so what if they don't like it , you have no more control over crossdressing, then wether you have freckles or not, your mom sounds like she is warming up, be an adult, they will respect you for standing on your own two feet.

I write this post as someone who wants you to have a full life, instead of living in the shadows of your parents controling will.

Kelly

[Lucy_Bella]

Kelly ,

I agree, if the O.P. would stand firm for what sounds like the first time in his/her own life than perhaps the dressing would appear as the freckel on the face .But the parents instead may be looking at the dressing as to the rest of this persons life.." You are unable to make solid choices" ..Don't be lead..Lead!!

[Sarah Jane]

Hi,

you made quite a long post and I'm not really sure on which issue to comment first. Maybe I should start by saying that I'm not a believer. I admit, there is the chance that there is some sort of higher power out there, but I don't believe that it left us a book and a son, so I can't really offer any advice on the religious issues.
I must also admit that your situation upsets me and this might be reflected in my post. Just something to consider before taking the time to read it. :o

My parents stopped watching every step I made when I was about 16 or 17. When I told them that I was going to be out with friends for the night it was a good enough explanation for them. They trusted me that I won't get in trouble or do something stupid. You're 26 and it seems to me like you still have to make up excuses for leaving the house. What's worse, you don't have access to your money. Living in your parents house certainly entitles them to some control about your actions, but that is just... plain wrong. Cultures are different and it might be normal where you come from. All I can tell you is that even when "my money" still came out of my parents pockets, they still wouldn't have denied me access to it.

If your parents didn't learn to let go in 26 years, they won't in 40 either. Are you sure that's what you want?
You mentioned that you had planned to move out this year but are afraid to do so because it would put you on bad terms with them for something that you might stop doing at some point (crossdressing).
I'm new to this forum, but you seem to have been around for quite a while. Surely by now you know that "crossdresser don't just stop dressing". You will come back to it and you will regret having thrown out all your things.
You didn't say anything about TS, but if you think you might be, you'll probably regret postponing things because of your parents even more.

Anyway, ignore your parents for a moment. Is there any advantage in moving out next year as opposed to now? If you're in college, that might be a good reason to stay. Otherwise, what's preventing you now from getting a better job to support yourself that won't prevent you from doing so in a few years?

You also mentioned that your parents want to send you somewhere to get "fixed". If that's the condition for staying, why are you still there? Reputable doctors stopped trying to fix this "condition" decades ago. You must know that!
What your parents think about the issue is not relevant, neither is my opinion or anybody else's here. Do YOU want some quack to talk you into burying your crossdressing needs under a life of depressions?

Is there any chance you can get neutral counselling?

[KristaE]

Your parents are the ones that need counseling. Your family has serious issues and it has nothing to do with religion (or even CDing), as others have said... religion is just your parents excuse for their attitudes. Other parents use "society" or "friends" or "status" to excuse their bad behavior.

And let me say on that note, that's what this is... "bad behavior"... on the parents part, from beginning to end... and it really doesn't even matter if they accepted your CDing or not. Let's say they were totally cool with it... but grilling your son over where he is and what he is doing when he is 26 years old? Even at 16 years old my parents wouldn't grill me like OP's did. They might want to talk to me about it, but if I didn't want to answer, they wouldn't force me to. Jeez, it sounds like your parents went to parenting classes at Guantanamo Bay.

To me it sounds like your parents do not respect you (CDing or no CDing). This isn't the 19th century where the family controlled a person from cradle to grave. But on the other hand, as others have said, you need to move out... and again, not because of the CDing, but because you need to establish your own life and get your own respect and stand on your own. 26 is WAY too old to be living at home... IMHO 20 is too old to be living at home. Every parent that I know is excited to see their kids become their own people and become self-reliant and good.

[suzy1]

I thought I had problems with my mom, but this just takes the cake.

Ah Religion, such a font of health and understanding, and love.

Oh what a mad thing it is.

Sin brings misery? How about, ignorance and stupidity bring misery?

I was going to say much the same thing but Pythos got there first.

So all I can say is Amen to that.

SUZY

[t-girlxsophie]

Im sorry but both your parents (especially your father)belong in a far bygone era they use religion as a stick to beat you with (very christian attitude)For your own sanity you need to get your independance,and leave them to their religious fervour and hand wringing.I hope you can get a job to help you achieve this,I dont understand why they control your bank account-at 26 yo sounds like the Dark Ages

My Mother is a staunch,Scottish Presbyterian and both her and my Dad (least havent inherited any Catholic guilt from him lol)aint ever been happy with what I do,but never once was I threatened with being disowned.Now its out of sight,out of mind and anyway they love me,and that is above all what you at least should expect from your parents..And what kind of treatment do they think will "fix" you? I'm sorry for being so negative but I feel so sorry for you predicament and hope for your sake,you will see a brighter future

:hugs:Sophie

[Jennifer Devine]

Surely as you are an adult, your parents shouldn't have this much control over your life?
I can see they are worried about you and want in their own weird way what they think is best for you but constanly tracking your every movement, no access to your own bank account, limited internet and no phone does sound very extreme and they are treating you like a child.

[Jill Devine]

Oh Jeez, the old religious angle again. I've never lost a debate, even with a Minister. Ask your dad where in the bible it states you may not wear what you please... I know he will go straight to the book of Deuteronomy. There's a very specific paragraph against cross-dressing... Oh puleeeeez gimme a break. Next ask your dad if he supports all the laws of that book and the old testament. *After all, one cannot pick and choose a-la-carte. You either support all the laws or none of the laws. Period. All the laws fall under the law of Moses. *Sure your religious dad will state he supports all the laws (he can't back out now). *Ask him if he has actually read all the rules and if he applies all of them.*

Hehehe. There are rules like you must have a rail on the roof of your house. Can't mix certain materials in the thread of your clothing (I think it's cotton and wool). Of course women may not cut their hair and must wear a hair covering. And the dressing applies women too. No male clothing so yes your mom is a sinner if she wears pants. A sinner if she ever cuts her hair. A sinner if she goes outside without a hat or scarf on her head. Family is breaking law without that important rail on the roof. Better all be circumcised. No pork on the table. Are all meals Kosher? Moses had clear rules on Kosher.*

For goodness sake. Tell your dad to study some history on WHY Moses wrote those laws. All those bizarre rules make perfect sense when you understand the history and context of when and why he wrote it.*

And back to fashion and sin. Who determines what is male or female clothing? God or man? Pants on a female 100 yrs ago a sin but no more? Stockings on a man in the seventeenth century ok but a sin in the 21st century? Makeup and wigs ok on males in 18th century but a sin 200 yrs later? Short hair a sin for a woman 1000 yrs ago but ok today? Kilts ok for Scotsmen but nobody else? Are tights and hose exclusive for females? Yes? So all male dancers are off to hell? Same for female blue collar workers because of their work uniform.*
Fashion trends cannot dictate to god the standards of sin. But fact is that fashion and culture does change.*

Remind your dad that the bible has two parts: old testament (law of Moses) and the new testament. Jesus clearly spoke about the passing of the old law with his coming. Pork, circumcision, kosher, hair covering etc all went out the *window. So did that cross-dressing rule in deuteronomy. Remind dad THAT THE LAW OF MOSES DIED WITH THE BIRTH OF CHRIST. * God looks at the content of your heart and not your clothing.*

"Come as you are."

[Jill Devine]

PS: not sure why every paragraph had a * sign in it. LOL.

[CherryZips]

Ah yes Deuteronomy 22:5 - as interpreted in Lego (http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/transvestism/dt22_05b.html)

[Shelby]

Without understanding the laws of your country, I do agree with others here. Get a good paying job, and then get out. Although I haven't told my family about my cding, if it happened I would certainly stand up to them. Ironically, it is time for you to grow a pair. Yes your parents (Dad) threatened to cut you out of the will, the family and even tell your brother. This is a make or break moment, test his love by saying "fine, go ahead and do all those things and reject all the things you have been told about love and acceptance by those evangalists." IMHO, those people are only out for money and not really doing anyone else any good, but that is another debate. I know it is easy to Arm-Chair Quarter back (American term from Football) but you need to get up and take a stand. If you are brave enough to go out dressed, then you are brave enough to tell them to shove it.

[Helen_Highwater]

I was stunned by what I read, basically you are grounded as if you are a teenager.
If I followed you correctly you are in work: go to a bank, any bank, open an account solely in your name. Once you’ve regained access to your original account move the money over. Then go to your employer and tell them to pay your wages into the new account. You will be the sole signatory, only you can access that account. Do this regardless of any other decision you make in regard to where you take your CD'ing. You cannot be a financial slave to your parents.
If you decide to carry on CD'ing then:
Contact your brother and explain to him on your terms. It may be that he'll support you if you talk to him openly. If told by your father he will most likely be pressured into criticizing you.
Go to any mobile phone shop, buy a cheap mobile PAYG, give them your old phone number and have it ported to your new phone.
If you feel strong enough to deal with the consequences (the possibility of being told to leave the family home, loss of contact) then do this soon. Otherwise you need to temporarily curtail your CD activities and prepare to move out. Find somewhere to live and then lead your own life.
The alternative is stop CD’ing.

[Debb]

Paula,

I am so sad for you. This is a big mess; it sucks rocks.

I'd consider writing Benny Hinn and letting him know that some members of his flock are having trouble taking a loving attitude towards their own son. Maybe remind him of the story of the prodigal son.

Personally, I'd like to slap your parents. They have a rare opportunity to be kind to someone who DESPERATELY needs and deserves it, yet they are choosing to be condemning. They really do need a good slap upside the head.

[JustineFallow]

This is both infuriating and heartbreaking. Part of me wants to suggest that you tell your brother yourself purely to disarm one of your parents' big weapons, and immediately tell both of them to GF themselves, but it sounds like you still need the security of a roof over your head. I wish all the best for you.

And I've got to say I'm dismayed at some of what others here have posted in regards to Paula's employment/financial situation. "Get a better job and move out", basically? Yeah, it's just that simple, isn't it? :brolleyes:

[busker]

Sorry to hear of your home troubles. I haven't any advice that hasn't already been given, except for possible trying to help your dad AVOID Benny Hinn--this guy is just a money pit and a whacko. My mother got involved with his nonsense and the ideas she got from him played an enormous part in eventual instability.
So long as you reside under your parent's roof, even as an adult, you do have to respect their rules.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I know some who came of age in the Vietnam era find this whole idea of someone in their 20s living at home and being dependent on their parents appalling; it is something I and my former girlfriend (who did come of age in the 60s) have talked about extensively. I hate to say this, but as the western economy continues to get worse and worse, this scenario is becoming more and more common and will probably be the new norm in 10 years. Welcome to <insert name of any hated politician here>'s America.

Anyway, the reason for the repost is that I think most are missing the real dynamic going on here. Economic conditions aside, these parents are just childish and playing a sick "game" (those familiar with Dr. Eric Berne will know what I mean.) They enjoy having control over their child, and in exchange for being taken care of they continue to participate in the game. No healthy, rational adult parents would desire to control their adult child like this. The father gets off on being in control of a person in a weaker position than them, and the mother enjoys plays the "referee/comforter". Why does the father desire to have someone to push around? Who knows, maybe he is insecure, maybe he feels a great deal of shame over something, maybe he was abused as a child. The parents do need therapy (and don't hold one's breath that they will go for it), if not for their child's sake than for their own.

While it is easy for the anti-religion folks here to get riled up, bear in mind this really has nothing to do with religion, it has everything to do with dysfunctional people exercising control. The whole religion thing is just an excuse for the father to legitimize his behavior, nothing more. The father would act the same way regardless if he was a dyed in the wool card carrying atheist and use something else as an excuse. The transvestism is also irrelevant, if it were not this the father would find something else to use as a lightening rod (and looks like he had.)

How do I know all of this? Growing up, I had this kind of sick dynamic going on in my home and was drawn in and out of it well into adulthood. After many years of therapy, I see it for what it is, and I now refuse to participate. I sincerely hope the OP is able to break free of their living situation, but just as important they do not participate in the game any more either.

[Allyson Michelle]

(PLEASE FORGIVE THE POOR GRAMMAR!)

Well first off , Its a shame that you cannot find acceptance in your family. From the reading though, it seems like your mother may eventually come to terms with it and accept you for who you are. Its a mother's job to unconditionally love her child. Don't feel bad by any means about what you do. I'm not saying this because Im a TG myself but if this type of thing was a sin, don't you think God would have refrained from making us this way??? Sins like murder, jealousy, gluttony, ect all have some factor in life that causes one to behave this way. While CDing can be "sparked" by an event in your life, most of us are born with it.

Crosdressing is not a sin. the ministers that say it are generally southern baptist types that let their moral values tie in with religion. same as gay marriage. marriage was developed back in the Roman times as a way for a man to legally own his children and mother of the children by allowing them to take his last name. so courts showed they were his. While this unity is viewed under God, it is not an ungodly cause. So regardless of the fact that our beliefs probably differ to some degree, you and I, I think we both can agree that crossdressing is NOT a quick ticket to Hell. let me jump off of religion before i get in some trouble though...lol!

I'm no therapist (although I want to be!) but it sounds like your father may never fully come to terms with it. I myself am 19, mostly closeted, and i live with my grandparents. Not the best situation, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do! I've not even been able to go out to a support group yet due to just overall lack of consistency in a job to fund a hour long trip to the closest city with one. My grandfather is almost identical to your father belief wise. He is a devout Christian and has voiced his opinions on TG folk on several occasions, none of them good, so I've been avoiding telling him. my Grandmother on the other hand is much more accepting but still dont get it fully. My parents dont know yet, well my mom im sure knows somehow because she can see everything i do. She passed away a little over a year ago now. and I'm how my dad would take it. anyways enough rambling about me, were here for you! i just wanted to get that out there.

Your situation, while unpleasant, is not uncommon at all... And ive seen and read stories about CD's, TV's, TG's, all of them having parents with beliefs not to different from your parents' opinions. I wish there was a way i could help, but im afraid the only way i can is to support you in any way i can.

I will say this though, and you can take it and use it or just leave it alone... Do what you gotta do. This is a part of you and no matter how much people think our kinds can be "healed" through divine intervention to be "socially normal" we can't. Because "you cannot heal that which is in no need of healing." (my quote!) The only way to alleviate the urge it is to do it! and unfortunately sometimes this does mean having to make sacrifices to ensure your mental health and in some cases life are well looked after. Numerous TG folk have taken their own lives because they weren't accepted by their family, but they don't want to live without them and the burden of not being able to be themselves eventually pushed them to that point. And its a VERY VERY tough choice but do what you think is best for you; make the choice thou you feel you could live with better. for me personally, its not a choice. ive yet to run into rejection for who i am, luckily, but I know that if I do not pursue this, I may very well falter by my own had as well (don't worry i have no plans to kill myself, I promise!)

I sure do hope I was helpful somehow and just keep your faith, identity, and sanity in check!

Caio!
Ally

[eluuzion]

Tell your father not to forget that you will be the one picking out his nursing home, so he better be nice to you...:D jus' kidd'n...


The following has nothing to do with loving or not loving each other...
I am assuming that concept is intact. My points are about stages of life.

You are a 26yr old ADULT still living with your parents. That means there are at least three people in your household living a life they did not expect to be living at this point in time. It has to do with moving forward with the normal sequence of life. Not just you, but your parents too.

You thought life at this age you would be living on your own, making your own decisions and enjoying your independence. Your parents thought they would be living that "second honeymoon" stage where in many ways, they return to being a couple again. Nobody is comfortable here. Everyone feels like they should be relating in a different manner than when you were a child, but nobody knows how to go about it.

Much of the confusion is due to the setting. It is difficult to change family dynamics when nobody has changed physical positions. Leaving home for any length of time creates a relationship "time gap" that disconnects the 24hr interaction present in family life under one roof. A "time gap" releases everyone from the responsibility of unconsciously monitoring each other's daily lives...a routine for everyone for at least the last 18 years.

The separation discontinues the flow of daily information between parents and children. Everyone adapts to the absence and life changes for all. This "gap" provides the "space" needed to change the relationship dynamics. You become a visitor that shares parts of your life. They become parents who share their experiences with you. Your "reporting" role and their "monitoring" role change into an "updating" exchange.

Without this "time gap" taking place, everyone is stalled in the historical routine, playing out the familiar roles of predictable behavior...and feeling they are trapped in dynamics that should be different now, but are unable to change.

This is a complex topic that requires more depth than can be covered in a post...

So, I am tossing out one option that can change your outlook, if you are unable to move out: Rearrange your furniture. I'm serious...change the location of all of your bedroom furniture and pictures on the walls. It can be remarkably effective in changing your perspective. If you could talk your parents into rearranging the living/family room furniture, it would help everyone "adjust". (I know, they will not be excited about that idea, lol). Just try it in your own room. You will be surprised with the impact on your outlook.

I am afraid our time is up for today...:heehee:
Next time we can discuss some options for breaking out of that "Daddy-little girl" game that you and your father should have abandoned about 10 years ago...lol.

Now, eat your vegetables, wash off your dishes, brush your teeth and get into your jammies...it is almost bed time...:devil:

Be patient, before you know it, you will changing your parents' diapers, just like they changed yours...:o
:love:


:heehee:

[kimdl93]

If I were you, I would focus on regaining your independence as soon as possible. Your parents may never accept you, but certainly you are an adult, you're entitled to live the life you choose. Its utterly wrong, and frankly, not very Christ-like, to threaten to kick you out of the house or out of a will because of your dressing. And although they may have a case for setting some standards of behavior while you are in their house, you're 26...your computer is your business, where you go when you leave the house is your business.

[Shelly Preston]

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation Paula I cant imagine how hard this is for you.

It can be a little difficult living in Scotland due to the extreme macho nature of most of the male population but things are getting better with the recent equality act

Jay Cee is right about the bank I would go get new cards and a new account Freezing the account is an option if you suspect they will withdraw money.
You should be able to pick up another mobile phone but you need to keep it on silent

As for the family blackmail on telling your brother I think this is deploreable
You might have to tell your brother before they do if they carry out the threat to kick you out
Using things againt your father will only make it worse I think your mum is the best chance you have of getting some acceptance

I hate to say it but they need to know this is not something that needs a cure
I am sure you can think of a few things they would find worse than dressing

You do have to abide by their rules while in there house


Try to do what you can about getting a flat where you can live your life the way you want