Would you let your Feminie Self Go?

[DaphneGrey]

I was wondering if I could give it all up. I know I would never quit or purge or anything like that that. I was thinking if I just began change to grow out of it all and swing to the male end of the gender spectrum. How I would feel, truthfully there are relationships and things I would miss. But I think I would welcome my life being far less complicated. That is to say if it all started slipping away I doubt if I would fight for it. I doubt it would ever happen. I doubt it ever happens to anyone for that matter.

I was wondering has anyone else had similar thoughts?

[Kate Simmons]

Actually I have done this in a way Daph. I integrated all of the feelings and am now exploring who I am from a male point of view. I mean a male who has nothing to "prove" one way or the other. This is basically "terra incognita" for me since I was always exploring everything from a female perspective. I (as well as some female friends) like what I see so far, so it can be done. You have to really get to know your whole self first, however and be honest regarding the feelings.:)

[laceyjessica]

Wow......profound,lol. I would love to think I could let it go, thats why I posted "is this just a fantasy" because i spend so much time and energy wanting to be jessica, i sometimes thin to myself I i just spent that much time on my marraige or family or career how much further ahead I would be in life and maybe happy, but then I will see a beautifully dressed woman and it all goes out the window, I once again long to look and feel like a pretty woman. why does it have to be so complicated!

[Karren H]

Truthfully, I'd let it or either one of them go in a heartbeat... It overly complicates my life.... Screws up relationships... If I could swing fully to one side or the other and stay there... But I know that's not going to happen..... So I accept it and move forward..

[KrystalA]

I've tried to let it go in the past, by purging, etc...but it never worked, and I'm glad it didn't. I now accept who I am and I'm happier than ever. Especially since I now have an accepting and encouraging SO.

[lauraabdl]

I often wonder if I had a choice? I guess I would be far better off if I was one or the other and not just here in the middle, but I know that itisn't going to happen so I have finally accepted my inner woman and now am happier to express herself.

[Rianna Humble]

If I had to let my feminine side go, there would be nothing left to live for.

[BevAndrews]

I oscillate between being able to forget about crossdressing for a week or two through to almost obsessing about being 5' 6" tall, size UK10, size UK6 shoe and attractive enough to pass without makeup (ie being a real woman!).
However, I can't imagine not wanting to wear pretty clothes, in the same way that I can't imagine not being able to read.

I suppose if it happened though (that is I found I didn't want to crossdress) by definition, I wouldn't miss it!

I hope you understood that, because I didn't!

[audreyinalbany]

I started a thread about this a few weeks ago. I got the chance to spend a few days en femme in early December. Since then, I've found my desire to dress has been significantly lessened. To my surprise, I miss it. I mean it's a source of conflict and guilt for me, a semi-secret from my wife, a serious source of stress in our marriage, yet, when it 'goes away,' I keep wishing I'd get all excited about dressing, that I'd start looking forward to it again. I'll have the chance to dress tonight for a couple hours, and I'm thinking I'll take advantage of it, although its more out of a sense of 'obligation' rather than a real desire.

[Joanne f]

Let go of what , my enjoyment of being who i am , my enjoyment of wearing the things i like which make me happy , it may seam like a small thing to some who do not understand the way of a TG , come to think of it nor do i understand it but it is a part of me that i cannot do without , well i assume i cannot do without it but maybe the truth is more that i do not want to do without it
The problem is what would i be without this side of me , someone else , yes it would make life easier for me but i cannot go back now .

[Jennie1975]

I am on the other end of the spectrum, I am slowly letting go of my male identity. I have fought so hard to be male when I have always felt female. I have struggled in my personnal, professional, and just life in general. Sorry if I leapt the track of the original post.

Jennifer

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I would be worse off. I bring a sense of balance to my male side. To use the expression there would be a little "too much testosterone" present if it were not for this side of me. That would not be a good thing.

Since accepting this side my male sides existence has improved only for the better. Examples being marriage, weight loss, better health, and being a much happier and at peace person in general.

It would be equally as bad if my male side vanished because too much of this side would also be a bad thing as well.

I also need a complicated difficult life. :)

[vikki2020]

I think that as we go thru this journey, the balance can swing from side to side, but eventually, hopefully, we settle somewhere in the middle. I find it is a difficult place to find, and much easier to let it find you!

[insearchofme]

The question for me is not if I could let my femme side go. It's if my femme side could let me go? I don't beleive so.

[TabbyJames]

A few years back I had a similar internal debate without resolution. Today I find a balancing act that is working, not only for me but others in my life. I love both sides of myself and they make up who I am. A much kinder, understanding and happy man, plus an intuitive, loving woman. It is almost like having a dual personality and I can jump from one to the other depending on where I want to be. Although complicated, especially in the beginning, I am finding that the "transition" between the two who make up "ME" has become easier and accepted over time. I enjoy both, want both, accept both and need both, for it is what makes me --- me.

[kimdl93]

I don't have two identities - there's only one me. I could not "let go" or deny my feminine attributes - they are part of who I am.

[KellyCD]

I actually did this pretty much.

About two years ago after my second tour in Iraq I sat down and thought about alot of things. "Kelly" had destroyed my "marriage"(I later found out that wasn't the ONLY reason, marrying a "self admitted ****".....her words, not mine remember that!....was the main reason). I swung back into the male side of the spectrum, went to the gym alot more, became more of a "asshole" to females(lo and behold soon afterwards one female wouldn't leave me alone....) and generally built up a pretty impressive male side. i couldn't give up everything on my fem side though....like panties. But that's really all I would do. Everything was fine and dandy until I my SO at the time left me for a man twice her age. (she was 21 and in the process of divorce, he was in his mid 40's.....and was my platoon sargent....married as well) Using his position and grade he moved me out of the platoon and I became the unit armorer. So I was basically banished to a cave with only weapons as my friends.

Anyways, long story short. I did WAY more thinking after that. Now, two years later I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl, who knows EVERYTHING about me and to my surprise....loves and accepts me. She's a girly girl, and I want to be a man for her.....and for myself. However I'm a bit conflicted now.....she steadily pry's more of my girly side out....to which she seem's to love. I kinda don't want to go back to that.....the dressing. She wants me to dress for her and she wants to have "girl time".....she's even said "I <3 how you can be girly" among other things. I guess I should be happy and accept her offer and indulge.....but wisdom holds me back. I'm quite honestly afraid to be happy. Time and time again I have been punished for being so happy, I've since learned that I was never meant to feel that way. I was meant to know pain. So I'm a bit reluctant to go back to dressing. I kinda don't want to go back and dress and lose the male side I've worked so hard in the gym to get. For all i know this could all be a ruse anyway, another clever female mind trick to get me to open up so I can be taken advantage of.

I think I may have went off topic so I'll stop here. But for anyone who is wondering that I don't trust anyone....you are absolutely right about that.

[Tina B.]

I have to agree with Karren on this one, either one or the other, I could be happy either way. I've always liked my male side, and have always wanted more time for my female side, it's just the back and forth that wears on you. But all the desire, thrill and and feelings have to go too. I would hate to be stuck on one side longing for the other.
Tina B.
Life could be so simple that way.

[Loni]

let it go?

if I could be one way or the other. it would make life easer, but as a man I would look and fit in better, I would never make it in a beauty contest.

one way or the other would reduce some problems in my life.

but at what cost?

.

[geri-tg.]

A few years ago I took everything to goodwill. The guy looked at me as I gave Him a trunk load of womens clothes. That lasted about a month. I started buying womens clothes and make up all over again. I will never do that again.

[TGMarla]

If it wanted to go away, I'd let it. There are ebbs and flows to how I feel about it all. Sometimes the urge to "be" a woman is incredibly strong, and at other times I have little desire to have anything to do with it. Over the past (let's see, my age, minus 12, multiply by the quotient of pi minus the constant, carry the four....) 38 years or so, it's never completely gone away, and has been rather strong in me most of the time. I doubt it will ever completely subside, so I don't much worry about it any more. It is likely here to stay.

[SuzanneBender]

Daphne I would give it up in a heartbeat if I could. Not because I dislike being me but because I have spent a lifetime being wrong in most everyone else's eyes. I built a life under false pretenses while trying to please everyone else. Along the way people that I dearly love entered it and then I pulled back the mask which hurt them immensely. If I could make all of this stop and take away their pain I would in an instant.

I agree with Karren I would love for the pendulum to swing one way or the other, but the bottom line is it never will. We are non-binary beings stuck in a binary world. We have no choice but to accept and love who we are while making the best of the situation.

However, I would give almost anything for the real me to "be right" just once in the worlds eyes and, most importantly, the eyes of those I love.

[AlanaBCD]

This strikes a major chord with me. I love the feelings I get when I dress, but the complications that it brings are the part I hate.

I just came out to my wife, and she is not taking it well. She hasn't left me and has said she won't. (I feel part of her has left me though.) Even if it took surgery to remove this, I would do it. The feelings about dressing are so mixed up. Why does something that feels so good and is so enjoyable have to cause so many problems. It isn't the dressing, per se, that I would really like to get rid of, it is the complications that it causes. The complications are not going to go away, so reality tells me to stop dressing (and make it go away).

[Stephanie Anne]

This is going to make no sense to anyone but me. Recently I let my feminine side go. This doesn't me I de-transitioned or started being a butch trans woman. It means I stopped focusing on being feminine as a means to accept myself in my transition. Letting go of using femininity to define me has freed me to be my own woman and start living a complete life without stressing over such things as passing or blending in.

[Pythos]

Had it not been for the limitations on my style that are imposed by arbitrary and sexist unwritten rules, I would most likely never have gone the full fem look. No reason to. Long hair, makeup, skirts, tights, pantyhose, leggings, tight or snug pants, nice shirts or blouses, can be worn by both sexes with the only issue being sheer and utter ignorance.

I don't really think I am a woman in a man's body. I am just me, and that is an androgynous thinking male, with a love of styles that for some reason are called feminine.

When the day comes I can wear a skirt and hose, with nice shoes, light makeup, along with other items, and be considered a male (much like women in pants did decades ago), then I will bid my fem look (fake breasts and tucking) adeu.

[CaitlynRenee]

I would love to be the knight in shining armor, rescuing the saintly maiden, carrying her away on my dashing steed, ravishing her, loving her and being her hero.

Sighhhhhh................

At other times, I want to BE that saintly maiden, rescued, carried away on a dashing steed and yes, even ravished in my fantasies by.............. my HERO/HEROINE. (Damn, I know I spelled that wrong)

I could live without Caity as much as I could live without my brain or my heart.

That being said, it's sad when society and the accepted 'norms' say that things MUST BE/SHOULD BE this way or that. My PTSD counselor taught me that there are NO absolutes (except death and possibly taxes) and that shoulds and must b's merely paint society into a dark corner.

Funny, I was going to say that many women feel so threatened by the prospect of 'losing' that they will do anything, even look down upon, put down, and ridicule those who are 'taking' what they perceive as their own, be it clothing, position, romance, etc. Can you believe I was worried about not being politically correct?? On THIS site??

[Tommie T.]

The complications place a lot of stress on me even with an understanding spouse.Some days I wish the need/desire ? to cd would go away.Have purged,denied ,tried to avoid, but as we all know ,as Douglas Mac Arthur said "I will return!,and it has and always will.So I try to keep things in perspective enjoy what I can and pull up my big girl panties,fasten my bra ,slip into a garter belt and nylons put on a really nice full slip pick out a skirt..........

[Stephanie47]

I'm going with the flow. I dress when I feel the compulsion. I enjoy the peace that comes with that side of me. Life would have been a lot simpler and a lot less stressful if I were not a cross-dresser. For most of us, even if your wife knows and tolerates, there is always the fear of the world finding out. Weird! I do not know why society tolerates all kinds of unsocial behavior and frowns upon behavior that is not injurious to others. I just wish I would have had the peace I currently enjoy during the past fifty years.

[LitaKelley]

At the moment, I don't think I can let me go.. I don't see how, since it's who I am.. maybe my mind will change when I'm old and wrinkled and can't be "pretty" any more

[Sally24]

I think I would prefer to let "him" go over her. Not going to happen though.

[busker]

I've been contemplating a reply to the "trapped" thread and another thread and perhaps here is a good place to float an idea. Somewhere in a thread someone pointed out that the brains of Cders and TS people are chemically different from the "normal" male.
It is clear that much human activity is directed by our brain chemistry and hormones--endorphins are the root of "happiness". If this is the case, and those mtf transexuals on hrt say it is--that males begin to "think" like females after a time, why hasn't there been any exploration of "balancing" the chemistry for those who wish to be one or the other.
How many here have had a blood panel to determine what you exact chemistry is, and seek a way through endocrinology to balance one or the other--not replace one side.
Psychiatrists prescribe certain drugs to combat certain psychological conditions and it seems to me that that is possible with those who are "trapped" or ambivalent about their gender. Those who CD as a hobby or for other reasons need not worry. My thinking is different now than how I felt pre cancer surgery. My hormones got screwed up, I developed breasts (and actually like them), and I am now different in some aspects of my life.
At my age, I can live with some discontinuity, but the younger people here may want to address another approach to their living.
I think being" trapped" may be chemical the same way that having any mental problems are chemical (generally speaking, and discounting things like tumors or other physical disease). Let's say that if you are 25, your blood chemistry values should be such and such and they are not. Is that something that over time can be adjusted to give a person a "male" personality projection to provide acceptance /happiness of that gender (if that is desired) or hrt to make that person more overtly female--e.g. transition (with all it's attendent problems).
I don't really know enough about body chemistry and psychology but it is an intriguing idea (to me) that I have not heard addressed here.
I don't think it is entirely out of the realm of possibility, but it could be a way for a person to "decide" one way or the other on which life to pursue. I'm sorta in Karren's camp, one side or the other, but as I say,at my age, it is nearly a moot point.:2c:
ps I had about a 30-year period in which I did not partake of actual cding (there may have been some mental activity but I can't quite put a finger on it) and I may be inclined to think it is hormonal/chemical. Puberty levels of T and "old man" levels of T.

[OccasionalSkirt]

I would love to let it all go. That would make life SOOOOOOO much easier. I tried just supressing it, but I found that doesn't work. So, if I simply enjoy dressing up for a time, it goes away, and I can refocus on other stuff. I also noticed that while I'm busy, Jennifer fades into the background.

What I'm guessing will happen is that she'll simply fade away as life becomes more and more complicated. I'll still have fun with her, but I'm not going to obsess over her.

[t-girlxsophie]

I suppose life would be so much easier,but what a boring life it would be,theres always tough decisions to be made,but the only way I can see me ever changing is when I get older,I find it depressing looking at the future,when look at much older ladies.Little while yet before I'll have to make that decision though.

[stellaaahhh]

I've let it go a few times..but i always swing back..and since i 'named' myself i've never looked back...one regret tho was throwing out some great lingerie and dresses!
but it is a complicated life as some of you have already mentioned, especially relationships

[gwenbeth]

I can't give up this side of me. The girl side is the part that keeps me sane

[ak88gurl]

You know, like a lot of people it seems, I've tried. I'm only 23, and I've tried and have gone for extended periods without it. Going in the Army I will deprive myself of it. I wish I wasn't a crossdresser, not because I'm ashamed of it now like I once was, I've come to a point where I'll never try and get rid of it again, but if I could get rid of it somehow life would be a LOT easier between family and military aspirations especially.

I can control it some. Sometimes it doesn't cross my mind too much, other times it does more so.

[Princess29]

I'd love to get rid of it. It wouldnt solve all of my issues but it would make things a lot less complicated at times. Last year, I kind of had a real mixed bag of emotions. I took a trip to the USA last year and didnt try to get anyone to come with me as I wanted to be able to shop for girl stuff without anyone who knows me, looking over my shoulder and also to go out in Las Vegas again in girl mode.
Basically everything associated with that ended up being a real fizzler. None of the wigs I tried fit me, I found only a few payless shoes stores and they didnt really have anything in my size. When I got a makeover in Vegas and then was looking for something to do, I didnt really have any ideas nor anyone to do it with so I basically just tried to head back to my hotel at Fremont Street where it was kind of a"drunken redneck central" along there.
And then I kind of felt that the whole thing was stupid and tried to step back from it but then I made contact with a few members from here and the spark was ignited again for a few months but then was extinguished with all but a tiny ember remining.
Hiding my feelings wasnt healthy but trying to embrace them was causing a lot of stress but hiding them was the less stressful option so I tried that for a while and then till pretty much now, its been slowing coming back again and I have an impending break from work coming up and at the moment, I'm inclined to come back to america again as when I will be on holidays is when Diva's Las Vegas will be on.
So my girl side is kind of leading my thinking again even though I do like coming to america having been there 4 times previously. My alternative holiday location is japan and if I do that, it will be strictly a guy mode trip. I dont know if I'd be able to find anything girly there that would fit me anyway


Mel

[Rianna Humble]

Somewhere in a thread someone pointed out that the brains of Cders and TS people are chemically different from the "normal" male.
It is clear that much human activity is directed by our brain chemistry and hormones--endorphins are the root of "happiness". If this is the case, and those mtf transexuals on hrt say it is--that males begin to "think" like females after a time, why hasn't there been any exploration of "balancing" the chemistry for those who wish to be one or the other.

I hadn't read the suggestion aout a chemical difference, I had read that there was a study that compared the brain physically between cis-men, cis women and trans women and suggested that the trans women's brains bore more points of resemblance to a cis woman's brain than to a cis man's brain.

I don't think that I would like to be "treated" with psychotropic drugs.

[Misti]

Hi all: Tabby (post #15) said it beautifully for me: "I am finding that the 'transition' between the two who make up 'ME' has become easier and accepted over time. I enjoy both, want both, accept both and need both, for it is what makes me --- me."
You forgot only one important ingredient there, Tabby, the "love" part. When I left my second wife, who I truly believe "is/always was" my "soul-mate" from many lifetimes dating back to the early days of the Gods of Olympus, it was because I did not feel "Needed, Wanted, nor Loved!" that time, yet again. BTW I'll see her in the next lifetime when she finally wakes up, so ya'll don't sweat it, OK?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I deeply feel that all three (3) qualities of a relationship are, obviously, what makes the world go round. As for the present "ME," the new feminine "Me" now epitomizes all 3 qualities. Now that (feminine) Me, Myself and I have found that "last" ever-lasting ingredient of total oneness, I can now never, ever, give "HER," i.e., "ME" up --- EVER! Hugs,
Misti

[DaphneGrey]

I actually did this pretty much.

About two years ago after my second tour in Iraq I sat down and thought about alot of things. "Kelly" had destroyed my "marriage"(I later found out that wasn't the ONLY reason, marrying a "self admitted ****".....her words, not mine remember that!....was the main reason). I swung back into the male side of the spectrum, went to the gym alot more, became more of a "asshole" to females(lo and behold soon afterwards one female wouldn't leave me alone....) and generally built up a pretty impressive male side. i couldn't give up everything on my fem side though....like panties. But that's really all I would do. Everything was fine and dandy until I my SO at the time left me for a man twice her age. (she was 21 and in the process of divorce, he was in his mid 40's.....and was my platoon sargent....married as well) Using his position and grade he moved me out of the platoon and I became the unit armorer. So I was basically banished to a cave with only weapons as my friends.

Anyways, long story short. I did WAY more thinking after that. Now, two years later I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl, who knows EVERYTHING about me and to my surprise....loves and accepts me. She's a girly girl, and I want to be a man for her.....and for myself. However I'm a bit conflicted now.....she steadily pry's more of my girly side out....to which she seem's to love. I kinda don't want to go back to that.....the dressing. She wants me to dress for her and she wants to have "girl time".....she's even said "I <3 how you can be girly" among other things. I guess I should be happy and accept her offer and indulge.....but wisdom holds me back. I'm quite honestly afraid to be happy. Time and time again I have been punished for being so happy, I've since learned that I was never meant to feel that way. I was meant to know pain. So I'm a bit reluctant to go back to dressing. I kinda don't want to go back and dress and lose the male side I've worked so hard in the gym to get. For all i know this could all be a ruse anyway, another clever female mind trick to get me to open up so I can be taken advantage of.

I think I may have went off topic so I'll stop here. But for anyone who is wondering that I don't trust anyone....you are absolutely right about that.

Don't worry about taking the thread off track. Thanks for posting and sharing your story. Only time heals pain unfortunately. I do hope you are able to work through it and find balance in your life again. You deserve to be happy!