Reflections

[gretchen2]

Every Monday night I go to a woman’s group which usually ranges anywhere between six and ten woman. It’s really an amazing group of woman who have completely accepted me and care for my well being. I’m not one of those Trans-woman that will ever really pass and I have come to terms with that, it really does not matter as long as I am true to myself. Although there are those days when I do not feel quit right. Last night I went to my meeting and felt a little out of place. It was a very strange feeling, I felt as though my old self (Greg) was sitting across the table from me as though I was looking into a mirror. It was so bizarre, I just wanted to run into the bathroom and take a look into the mirror to make sure that Gretchen was still here. Of course I didn’t because I knew that it was all in my head, and I will always be here until I am dead. Greg just likes to make those occasional visits just to remind me of who and what I was. Does this ever happen to anyone else? I know at some point through my journey of transition that this will not happen anymore, it’s just so damn odd or maybe creepy is a better word.

[Hope]

We have all been there.

A few weeks ago I was walking in to work and caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and thought "Ugh. Who the hell do you think you are fooling?" and completely felt like a big lumbering clod with a bad hair line. No more than 20 minutes later I was at work and behind my counter when I overheard a child ask it's parent "Is that a boy or a girl?" which - while for most girls here would be mortifying... for me... on that day - was a huge huge HUGE ego boost. I had gone from being convinced that I was a huge ugly masculine clod to at least being able to confuse small children... which for me is progress.

We all feel like this from time to time. Keep your head up, and don't listen to all of the negative Nellies - especially when that Nellie is you. When you have to, feel free to fake it till you make it - all humans do it. It sounds like you are doing very well.

[Traci Elizabeth]

The good news is that as time passes those thoughts will become less and less. I had them in the beginning but now that I have been on high doses of HRT for almost a year now, I can't even remember what it was like to be a male. When I look at old pictures of me, I simple can't relate to what it was like as a man. I know that is me in the picture but I can no longer think like a male and don't look like one either when I look into the mirror.

[gretchen2]

A big lumbering clod with a bad hair line, I like that, it sounds like me. It is a very strange path we walk, but it sure can be a lot of fun. About six weeks ago I met this teenager who was about fourteen, good kid. She asked her mom if that was my real hair and do I have a period. Her mom told me this later and it sure did boost my spirits. It's kind of funny to confuse small children, the looks on there tiny little faces.

[Aprilrain]

I met this teenager who was about fourteen, good kid. She asked her mom, do I have a period.

Seriously? Is this what our education system has been reduced to? 14?

[Jessinthesprings]

While I have no colorful specific story... yeah I feel this way almost every single day, but like you I've come to terms with that and pray/hope that people will at least do me the courtesy of at least treating me as a woman.

[Dawn D.]

Every morning after I get out of the shower and have to see that guy in the mirror! Heck yeah, I feel that way! It doesn't pass until the hair goes on. Then, it's instant relief and my blood pressure resumes to normal levels!

Dawn

[gretchen2]

Seriously? Is this what our education system has been reduced to? 14?

I thought that it was kind of funny, but I do see your point.

[gretchen2]

I try not to look at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower. As for the hair I hear you, although my hair is starting to grow back. With any LUCK I will be able to through the wigs away in a couple of years, if I live that long.

[Melody Moore]

I am nearly 6 months on hormones and there are obvious signs my hairline (MPB) is starting to repair itself. There is fine hairs growing now in places that were bald & that is without using anything like Finasteride. I am still letting my hair grow out anyway, so after a year or two I should also have a nice full head of hair & be able to get rid of the wigs. But the interesting thing is though despite having MPB I don't see a male when I look in the mirror. I know that some women suffer baldness as well, so I can easily look past this and see how feminine I have become - especially in my skin & the rest of my body. I think the way you see yourself depends on how you feel about yourself. I don't feel like a male anymore, so I don't ever see myself as a male now. As others have also said here it does get easier as time goes on & you work through your issues. I did a lot of work on myself before I started to transition & I think this has made it a lot easier for me to accept my true self now.

[Starling]

I hope this isn't too off-topic. I'm in a different place from all of you, as I don't see how I could physically transition and still keep my marriage. But since I had my eureka! moment a few years ago (after many years of CDing) I've been consciously transitioning inwardly, trying to feel more and more like myself even though I have to dress as a man most of the time.

I take every opportunity to dress, though, even for as little as an hour or less, because my identification is so strong. Once I get my hair on and my forms in, I can breathe again. Everything else is gravy.

By the way, although I am not living outwardly as a woman, ever since I was a kid I felt everyone could tell I was really a girl; and I think people like us, whether or not we're on the HRT/SRS track now, grew up gaining the fortitude it takes to go out and face the world, despite being different.

As I come out more and more, I feel less and less afraid. I've never been comfortable in my skin anyway, so being the real me as much and as often as possible can only be an improvement. I just hope I don't lose my wife.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

ever since I was a kid I felt everyone could tell I was really a girl;


:) Lallie

i used to have exactly this thought..
but only when i was younger...my own inner shame beat that feeling out of me..i'm glad you still have it..
I also used to take long baths and during those baths i was a girl..i did this so much that i flooded my parents house drip by drip over the years...

gretchen its rare for ts people to NOT have the feeling you have...some more than others i guess..

[Starling]

...my own inner shame beat that feeling out of me..i'm glad you still have it...

I guess I am too, Kaitlyn, but sometimes the lack of a "normal" life sends me into a deep funk. At times like that, I wish more than anything else I had been born a cis-male. Fortunately for my sanity, that rather silly dream is swept away by the female wave flowing through me again; and I'm grateful for how it fills every part of me with peace and with eager anticipation of my next opportunity to bring myself into the light.

:) Lallie

[amielts]

Half a decade into transition, my old self still visits me sometimes, mostly in my dreams now however. I guess this is normal for trans people.

Time will improve things.