How should I handle the in-laws?

[LitaKelley]

Back in Nov., my wife posted one of my en femme photos on her facebook and I also changed my male real name profile photo to an en femme one for a few days...

My wife deleted the photo after a couple hours as she was only interested in sharing the photo with a few friends because she thought I looked pretty and she wanted to brag, lol.. Mine stayed up for close to a week as I wanted to come out to more friends and just made a photo my profile pic to see if any of my friends or family would recognize "her" as me.

So, my wife's Aunt saw both the one she posted and the one as my profile pic, instead of asking her about the photo, she goes and tells my mother in law about the photo.. Some time in December, my wife had to tell her mother and father that it was a "Halloween" photo and a joke.. just to avoid BS, problems and having to explain things and discuss it.

It took YEARS to get these people to accept us being together.. because they were PISSED that she married and had children with me because I had an ex and children with that ex and that I'm 10yrs older than my wife...

A little background on them.. Think 1950s old fashioned, conservative, god fearing, homophobic, transphobic, & racist.. Father in law has the attitude akin to "REAL MEN don't do this and that blah blah blah".. a real gung ho kinda guy, the manly man... Mother in law is more grounded in reality, but still harbors negative views on certain things or people...

Anyway, last week the wife and I were having a fight and during that fight she used my TG/CD etc as means for insulting me, but that wasn't enough.. she called her mother and her mom then wanted to talk to me to ask what was going on because she knows me to be the more reasonable and rational one, but while talking to mom in law, my wife yelled over me "HE DRESSES LIKE A GIRL MOM.. HE'S A CROSSDRESSER" I was speechless and just hung up the phone without saying a word.

So, that throws the "Halloween" pic right out the f'ing window now... and we don't know what to do now... My wife has not called back because she don't know what to say if her mom asks.. but the real issue is her father and his "views" on things and well, I don't know what to do either

[Fab Karen]

Well your wife could just tell her mom she was angry & making things up from the "halloween thing", or she could deal with her family potentially writing you guys off because they're bigots. But maybe her mother could deal with it & not mention it to HER husband.
I suppose the bigger issue is, what argument led your wife to do such a thing?

[LitaKelley]

Well your wife could just tell her mom she was angry & making things up from the "halloween thing", or she could deal with her family potentially writing you guys off because they're bigots. But maybe her mother could deal with it & not mention it to HER husband.
I suppose the bigger issue is, what argument led your wife to do such a thing?

That's what I'm hoping.. that mother in law don't share this detail with her husband... either way, guess the only thing we can do is wait and find out if anything will become of it, or if mother in law will blow it off as her daughter just running her mouth, lol.. because my wife is known for that.. just in this case it was truthful... but still don't change the fact that mother in law knows about me being me

[Jilmac]

Well Lita, Now that the cat is out of the bag, I think the best course of action is to face the in laws head on (along with your wife) and tell them that your dressing is a part of you just like your hair or eye color (which is the absolute truth). It will never change your love for their daughter or your commitment to the family. It may be difficult for them to comprehend but then, some people can't see anything but black and white.

[KristaE]

Wow... I think both of you should see a therapist. Your wife needs to learn enough respect for you to keep your confidence in sensitive situations. She needs a bit of self-control, even in a fight. Your wife should feel the most responsibility for straigthening this all out.

[Rogina B]

I don't think you will escape "a lot of drama" if you take your dressing to the next level..Best figure out how to settle everything down at home ASAP...

[kimdl93]

Well, every couple has disagreements. Sometimes they get too heated and people say hurtful things that they otherwise would never utter. And unfortunately these can be overhead by others. Its entirely possible that your MIL will disregard what she heard (if anything). I would suggest, however, that you look back over the duration of your relationship and honestly assess the number of times you and your wife have had really intense, angry arguements. If your disputes commonly turn into fights, I'd advise you to seek couples therapy for the purpose of learning how to disagree without fighting - and how to difuse tensions and anger before they boil out of control.

Now, to the other matter. You're pretty much "out" and if I recall even contemplating getting a drivers license en femme. Friends know, family members may suspect, and if you live in the same city and frequently see your in laws, this is going to be an interesting balancing act. Have your wife and you talked about coming out to her parents (or yours)? I don't know if that's the right answer, but it may be inevitable.

[linda allen]

Well your wife could just tell her mom she was angry & making things up from the "halloween thing"

That's what I would suggest. That and not publishing your femme photo if you want to keep things a secret.

[CaitlynRenee]

Lita,

I too have felt this way at times.........

"Father in law has the attitude akin to "REAL MEN don't do this and that blah blah blah".. a real gung ho kinda guy, the manly man... Mother in law is more grounded in reality, but still harbors negative views on certain things or people"

Until I put on a pair of panties. Perhaps that's the best thing that could ever hppen to your father in law.

Sounds like he has more issues than you do. I hope they can learn to just accept you for being yourself and not some serial 'bad guy' of some type.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I would not change places with you in a million years! You are up S%@t creek without a paddle! :heehee:

[Mary Morgan]

Why would your wife call her mother if she is having an argument with you? I suggest that you let her handle her parents unless you are afraid that she will mishandle them and from what you have posted, that would seem a reasonable assumption. Truth be told, you were both asking for it when you posted the photos, I suggest you go with it. A good start would be some professional counseling, geez we could all use some of that from time to time. Good luck.

[Melissa Jill]

I wouldn't worry too much anyway, its not like theres anything your inlaws can do about it, is there? I mean, you're married to their daughter, seems like he would have a tough time in stopping you from seeing her.

[Bethany38]

Lita,
I understand the apprehension on telling the In-Laws. However, if they have always had a problem with you anyhow why stress it. It can always give you the excuse not to visit.

[Debra Russell]

Your F-in law sounds like Archie Bunker -- I know, get dressed go visit, upon being introduced as Lita give him a big kiss and welcome him to reality -- Huggs Debra

[RADER]

Ask the In-Laws if they are ready to take back their daughter, and provide for her also.
In short, Tell them to put their money where their mouth is. Rader

[JohnH]

Your F-in law sounds like Archie Bunker -- I know, get dressed go visit, upon being introduced as Lita give him a big kiss and welcome him to reality -- Huggs Debra

And do make sure you load up your lips with plenty of dark lipstick - you want to leave a distinct lipstick imprint on his face. Your signature inspired me to write that!

Why are "in-laws" called that? They are not too removed from being "outlaws", especially your father-in-law.

Hugs

Johanna

[Shelly Preston]

You need to have a discussion with your wife on how you plan to address the issue

No matter what you decide I am sure there will be a lot of questions from your MIL

I dont think the halloween excuse will be good enough but you never know

The main thing is you and your wife are happy together

[LitaKelley]

Why would your wife call her mother if she is having an argument with you? .

Because she wanted to spend a few days there, but her mother knowing how irrational her daughter gets sometimes asked for me.. and as I began to tell MIL what we were fighting over, that's when it happened...


After the fact, my wife expressed her anger on how her mother tends to "side" with me whenever there's disagreement

[Mary Morgan]

Lita, I guess what I was elluding to is the fact that what is between you and your spouse should stay there. What your spouse did was to lash out at you by outing you. Not that it makes much difference here, but what if she decides to call your boss? or?

You just need to re-establish the rules so that you can restore trust.

[Chickhe]

I invited mine...

My inlaws, although more liberal than most, are also typically alpha and traditional. So, a couple years ago, they invited themselves over from out of town on halloween...I had plans to dress, so I said...screw it, I'm dressing and they can babysit. I did it...a few jokes but generally they never mentioned it again. It is all about creating the impression, that its not a big deal to you. Go on the offensive, make sure you dress in drag next halloween at the offending in-laws place...

[Sally24]

......but while talking to mom in law, my wife yelled over me "HE DRESSES LIKE A GIRL MOM.. HE'S A CROSSDRESSER" I was speechless and just hung up the phone without saying a word.

.. but the real issue is her father and his "views" on things and well, I don't know what to do either

I would have to disagree and say that the real issue is your wife and her temper or inappropriate lack of respect for your privacy. If you plan on staying together she needs to be alot more circumspect in her behaviour and comments. If your plans to go 24/7 come thru than the in-laws were going to know anyway. I think you need to have some good conversations with your wife and see just how she feels about you and your TG status.

[PretzelGirl]

I believe it is time to get it over with. You want to be out almost 24/7, you may as well accept that they will find out anyway and let it be done. It sounds like it is going to happen anyway if you and your wife keep fighting. Two things need to be set here. One is that your in-laws need to understand that it is yours and your wife's life. They may or may not like it but it is yours. Second, your wife needs to understand what a little marital discretion is. There are most certainly things that happen in a marriage that shouldn't be public info.

[JohnH]

Lita,

I say confront the father-in-law. If you are not living under his roof then he should keep his opinions to himself, and he needs to be informed of the fact. Show him that you are firm and not wishy-washy so he can stuff his stupid macho attitude.

But don't go out of your way to do so. Confront him only if he gets belligerent in front of your face or if he expresses his unwanted opinion to your wife.

You have said a goal is to get on HRT. So he had better get used to your more feminine appearance before the HRT effects kick in.

Johanna

[NicoleScott]

Parents and inlaws shouldn't be brought into marital arguments. Lita should offer nothing as an explanation (this is not the way to come out. Lita will do that if and when ready). If confronted, Lita should say "I never said that, my wife did. Go ask her to explain." Take the high road, Lita.

[linda allen]

...... but while talking to mom in law, my wife yelled over me "HE DRESSES LIKE A GIRL MOM.. HE'S A CROSSDRESSER" .

That's the risk we take by letting anyone know. The wife, girlfriend, sister, etc. is fine with our "perversion" until things go bad, then it can be used to hurt us or as blackmail.

End up in divorce court and don't think it will come out? Think again. You femme name, the clothes, the photos.

Who is best suited to raise the children - the hard working, long suffering mom, or the "perverted crossdresser"?

[5150 Girl]

We were worried about waht her folks would say (especialy her Dad) if they found out about me, and one day they did... He said well if that's the worst thing I ever do, so what. He then added "Just don't go Paris Hilton on us", meaning how she likes to flash when she gets out of a car and the like

[DonnaT]

If your in-laws bring it up, tell them the truth. Your wife won't be able to use it against you in the same way again.

[Hope]

How do you handle in-laws like that?

The same way you handle ANYONE who behaves poorly. With tongs and a blow-torch.

I don't know why people maintain relationships with toxic people... but they do. Personally I don't have time for people like that in my world.

[linda allen]

How do you handle in-laws like that?

The same way you handle ANYONE who behaves poorly. With tongs and a blow-torch.

I don't know why people maintain relationships with toxic people... but they do. Personally I don't have time for people like that in my world.

You pretty much have to maintain relationships with your inlaws. You just learn what to talk about and what to avoid.

[emilyrose]

I don't have in laws to worry about anymore, just my immediate family. But my concern is that I am wanting to come out full term living as a woman. Will have to restart process over again, but I wonder am I going to be alone the rest of my life

[JohnH]

That's the risk we take by letting anyone know. The wife, girlfriend, sister, etc. is fine with our "perversion" until things go bad, then it can be used to hurt us or as blackmail.

End up in divorce court and don't think it will come out? Think again. You femme name, the clothes, the photos.

Who is best suited to raise the children - the hard working, long suffering mom, or the "perverted crossdresser"?

Just be like Stu Rasmussen, mayor of Silverton, OR. There he openly walks the streets of that town. He has long hair, breast implants, and wears dresses and heels openly and routinely. He says that he has blackmail-proofed himself. He DOES identify himself as a male.

Johanna

[Sarah Doepner]

You're probably not going to get the toothpaste back in the tube, so you are right in wanting to deal with it. The two of you need to understand and communicate with each other about how your crossdressing impacts the marriage and your lives together. It may take counseling, it's not a bad thing even if it can be uncomfortable at times. If she wants to remain in the relationship you both need to establish some expectations and boundaries you both can agree on. Otherwise there will be new chances to use this tact with friends or associates you haven't shared your CD side with. Dealing with the in-laws has to be done first by your wife. She needs to accept what she has done and deal with her parents and let them know she respects and loves you and they need to respect your choices as well. The old man will probably not change his beliefs, but you should expect a non-confrontational attitude and support for his daughters decisions. Good luck Lita

[aggi123]

You were probably going to have to tell them soon anyways! Now you just have to confirm. I really do hope it all goes well though!

[Stephanie47]

I said it before in other threads. The wives hold the atomic bomb and we hold the pea shooter. Whenever it is convenient for the wife, she can lob that bomb with impunity. It is so easy to destroy a cross-dresser. Frankly, if my wife of forty years were to due that do me, I'd walk. For me there are some transgressions that would end my marriage, and, that is one of them. Once leaving the relationship would be akin to a woman always returning to her male abuser after a beating or berating.

[raymondparsley56]

Without me actually knowing the in-laws in person, it's a tuff call. All things being equal, you have a challenge.