Breaching the Idea of Hormones with my SO

[L0vleyme]

I'm sure this has been covered at one time or another, but I could not find info with the search function.

I have been considering starting the process towards hormones for some time now. Recently it seems its all I can think about. My SO has been tolerant of my occasional going out, she doesn't mind if I wear my sweats or jeans around the house, and she sometimes will go shopping with me while I'm in Male. It was a difficult time when she found out about this side of me, but after several tearful discussions, we made it to where we are now.

I really want to start therapy, with the intention to move onto hormones, but don't know how to go about taking the first step, I literally feel planted in concrete. I will admit, that I am completely yellow, and have tried to have this talk.. even after several ounces of liquid courage, but have not had any success of pushing those words off the tip of my tongue. I have tried to dig deep..but seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way.

how do I do this? Just like writing a paper in college, just getting started is 80% of the battle.

Thanks for listening

[Diane Elizabeth]

I know how you feel. I am a coward too. My SO and I don't talk much about my dressing. I try to talk about it and I clam up when see puts it back on me with a remark or question that I can't reply to. I can't tell her what I am feeling. I did tell her that I was seeing a therapist for all of my "baggage". I am going about every other week. I just can't get the words out for fear of what she will say and that would be something I don't want to hear. I think she figures it is just a passing fancy and that I will get back to being the old me.

[AnnaCalliope]

Not sure I'm going to be able to put some fire in your heart, but rather a bit more fear in your soul.

How long have you been with your SO? It seems to me, considering the fact that she's accepting, but not completely embracing, means that you going full-time is going to be far outside her comfort zone. I'm not telling you that you should not transition, but be prepared that your SO may not want to make the journey with you.

Again, you said she is tolerant of your occasional going out en femme. Being tolerant of occasional dress up is a far cry from having to deal with it everyday. Also keep in mind that hormones are going to put you through a second puberty, until your body completely adjusts to the new regimen. This can put a lot of strain on relationships, as your ability to deal with emotions may change.

You may want to see if she'll go with you to your first therapy sessions. Actively involving her in the journey may spark a level of interest that will keep her around. In the end, just be glad you are starting the path to transition before getting married or having kids, as those two scenarios seem to be the most common complications.

[Jorja]

Your finding it takes balls to become a woman. There is no way to it but to do it, Lovleyme. Take a deep breath, relax, and just tell her. Wait a second!!!! Do realize that by taking this step you could lose her and everything else that matters in your life. It is not the end of the world you will survive but you must think about what you are about to do. If the desire to push ahead is still there, then just do it. "Honey, I am wanting to start therapy and start looking into taking hormones. Would you be interested in participating in this with me" is all you need to say. That should get you started.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you find your happiness.

[BreenaDion]

Be honest and truthful . Just muster up the courage with a few hours to do this an just start from the begining an just say it. Best get it over with now, longer you wait harder it is going to be later. Its much better to transition at home than being seperated. You need your SO support and you have to MINDFULLY listen to your SO opinion and fears.
Breena.

[JohnH]

My wife asked me when I was going to start hormone therapy this morning! That was a real shocker. I am unemployed so she said she would not pay for the medication.

I wear dresses half the time and my wife has gone for walks with me wearing a dress and her wearing pants so it would not be that much of a stretch to go full-time.

Johanna

[Hope]

There is really no "easy" way to bring this up in conversation. You just sort of have to gird up your loins and be out with it.

That being said - DO rehearse in your mind the conversation before hand, and have a plan for what you are going to say. And please please please state it in positive terms. Don't talk about how worried you are about how your SO will react. Don't present it like you have cancer and need treatment. Present it as a fun, exciting new step in your lives together. She will react the way you tell her to react - if you tell her to react to a cancer diagnosis, she will react appropriately, if you tell her to react to winning a new car - she will react appropriately to that as well. It is all in the interpretation.

[Sandra]

There isn't an easy way to do this. I was lucky in that I already had and idea that Nigella was TS, she just didn't realise it herself until later on but I digress.

Tell her that you need to talk to her, explain how you feel and how this is effecting you, and how you would like to progress. I assume that you want to include her in all of this...tell her this, you'd like her to come to the therapy session ( I went to every one Nigella had) make her feel that she's not being left out....but expect tears, concerns, and possibly some ranting...it ain't gonna be easy.

You could suggest that she join here and join us in FAB, we have a few wives/partners of TSs in there and us and the other GGs would give her a lot of support and help.

[CharleneT]

There is really no "easy" way to bring this up in conversation. You just sort of have to gird up your loins and be out with it.

That being said - DO rehearse in your mind the conversation before hand, and have a plan for what you are going to say. And please please please state it in positive terms. Don't talk about how worried you are about how your SO will react. Don't present it like you have cancer and need treatment. Present it as a fun, exciting new step in your lives together. She will react the way you tell her to react - if you tell her to react to a cancer diagnosis, she will react appropriately, if you tell her to react to winning a new car - she will react appropriately to that as well. It is all in the interpretation.

GREAT answer !! I'll add this: skip the liquid courage, you need to be as clear as you can in your thoughts for this sort of conversation.

Oh, what first step ? That therapist .... you may find yourself not needing to go thru HRT etc...

[Katesback]

Your bell has not gone off! Currently your simply dreaming but afraid to take the next step. The fact is when or if you take that next step you will be doing it for you and you only. Your marriage is likely to end and your whole world will change. Come to think of it is far easier to simply dream then do it........assuming your bell has not gone off.

Now if the bell does go off..........well everything will become a lot clearer and you wont have this indicision.

Katie

[Jessinthesprings]

So this is what transpired from own personal experiance. Quotes are paraphrased of course.

Her - "Why do you wear women's clothes?"
Me - "Because I feel like a woman inside."
Her- "Does that mean you want a sex change?"
Me - "Yes and I am going to start with hormones which will make haveing kids impossible."

Ten months later the baby was born....

Not sure if that tactic works for everyone, but worked for us.

[L0vleyme]

Thanks for all the replies... it was what I expected to hear, but for some reason felt really good to hear it. If life wasn't full of difficult choices, then where would the fun be. I'm sure I'll have plenty more questions for you all as my life continues to play out. I'll keep my heart open to listen for the bell to ring, as I agree, I don't know that it has, but I think its not to far off. Thanks Again!

[Marie-Elise]

So this is what transpired from own personal experiance. Quotes are paraphrased of course.

Her - "Why do you wear women's clothes?"
Me - "Because I feel like a woman inside."
Her- "Does that mean you want a sex change?"
Me - "Yes and I am going to start with hormones which will make haveing kids impossible."

Ten months later the baby was born....

Not sure if that tactic works for everyone, but worked for us.

So, I assume you are still married?

I wasn't going to chime in on this thread but I guess I will. I'm not sure how things will turn out for the OP but, well, I can say that I wouldn't do it. Transition, I mean.

This is purely my opinion so if you have to ban me, go ahead. However, in my mind, transitioning into full time is just something that I don't think my wife signed up for, especially since I didn't make her aware of my CD activities till we had been married for several years.

Then again, I only dress periodically and don't have the urge to do it full time or to change my gender.

Now, you may bring this up to her and she is completely understanding and supportive. It is also possible you may end up alone. I guess the calculation to make is whether transitioning is worth the loss of your SO.

[Sejd]

Hi lovelyme
there is a book called : The other side of the closet. It's rather good. I am a TS, and I think the first thing you need to do is to openly speak with your SO about your feelings. Then you also need to listen to her reaction, and to finally make a decision if you want to go thorough with hormones. You have some hard choices to make. Not every woman can do this with their partners. She probably did not sign on to this when the two of you got together. Changing your sex on a spouse is pretty hard stuff to do.
If you love your SO, you must try and find some common ground.
I wish you good luck.

[Jessinthesprings]

So, I assume you are still married?



you assume correctly

[Aeva]

I second Charlene's suggestion, put the booze away.

And my own suggestion:
While there's never a right time to initiate a conversation like one of these, it does help to schedule a time to "talk about something important". The beauty of that, is you don't need to say what is on your mind right away, and she also knows something is on your mind that you need to get off your chest.

As for finding the right words, good is better than perfect. When you actually have the talk, just say it right away that hormones are whats on your mind. If you can think of a way to soften the blow, its a good idea, but you will want to avoid too much build up. It might also help for you to prepare an outline of things you want to talk about; but also try to come up with a list of things she's going to be worried about.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Don't present it like you have cancer and need treatment. Present it as a fun, exciting new step in your lives together. She will react the way you tell her to react - if you tell her to react to a cancer diagnosis, she will react appropriately, if you tell her to react to winning a new car - she will react appropriately to that as well. It is all in the interpretation.


I normally agree with Hope on most of her positions and advice but this time I am going to have to disagree.

If you present your case with "levity," your wife could easily resent that you are making light of something that is very concerning to her and very serious. And she might even take your "bubbly positive spin" as a sign of immaturity and lack of the magnitude of your desires and how they will affect her personally.

I agree that coming across as if their is something "wrong" with you is not the answer either.

My approach with my wife was to set a time for when we could talk that was quite, free of any distractions, where neither one of us was tired or not feeling well, and where we would not be rushed.

I told my wife that I had something very important to tell her about me and my past. We sat facing each other and I presented my feelings, desires and past history in a very sincere, slow, calm, soft, and compassionate voice (mind you my history goes back to my earliest memories as a child and have remained with me ever since).

We both shed a lot of tears and embraces and it helped my wife a lot to know my childhood and all the turmoil and pain I had to endure as well as all the abuse I received mentally, physically, and sexually because of my knowing I was a girl and not a boy. I actually lived out most of my childhood as a girl.

Well long story short, my wife was very compassionate, understanding, and her heart poured out to me.

Two years later we are two married women who do everything together as women and who are even more deeply in love than any time in the past.

You have to decide what will work best for you but I would advise against talking to her like it was "no big deal." That kind of presentation could easily backfire in your face. No matter how you do it, this is a very serious life changing event - treat it as such.

[Marie-Elise]

you assume correctly

Very cool. You have hit the jackpot in a wife. And you have a lucky kid, too.

One question, though: if you get married as one gender and then trasition, is the marriage still legal? Just asking because of the same sex marriage thing that has been going on over the past couple of years.

[Kathryn Martin]

I agree with much that has been said here. There is some help available regarding coming out at TSroadmap. (http://www.tsroadmap.com/index.html)

This is a very serious discussions because the repercussions can very devastating. This is in fact not something that spouses sign up for when we get married. The realization that this is the beginning of a lesbian relationship, the inability to have children once hormones begin, the transition of the spouse is almost more important than the transition of you. I am now 9 months after revealing myself completely. In my case, my spouse immediately knew, even before me, that the inevitable consequence of what I told her was transition and that it was right. I was fortunate. I hope you will be too.

[Jessinthesprings]

Very cool. You have hit the jackpot in a wife. And you have a lucky kid, too.

One question, though: if you get married as one gender and then trasition, is the marriage still legal? Just asking because of the same sex marriage thing that has been going on over the past couple of years.

my unstanding (not a lawyer) is that yes we are still married. I know another couple in a similar situation despite getting a few awkard looks from people like doctors.


Anyway. I suggest that you prepair yourself for a ton of questions, but you will likely get very few such as why. I think that is the big question for everyone. What's hard I can't even honestly answer why I feel like a woman. If she's accepting take it at her pace. You may want to rush off to the doctor tonight I would give it some time. Week... two weeks what ever point you feel she will be as comfortable about it as she ever will. Make sure you keep the lines of communication open and be there for her as much as you are expecting her to be there for you...

I never have been very good at glosing over. I always end up the fool, and resort to the direct approach... after delaying and procrastinating and dropping hints of course lol! Proceed in a way that's comfortable for you, but you have to know the worst thing can happen.

[Stephanie Anne]

So the real question is do you consider your self transexed? Do you need to transition to the female to stop a lifetime of self doubt? Are you just enamored with the concept of femininity that your satisfaction tolerance is getting higher and higher until you can only fulfill desires by proceeding to the next assumed step.

Why not talk it out with your wife? Don't take it as a definite just express your concerns. Don't think but know that you may lose her once you transition. That is no reason to avoid discussing these parts of your life.

If you can't answer these questions then go to a therapist and get help to sort out what is in your head.

The only reason a transgendered person would take cross gender hormones is to transition. If this is not your intent then you need to seek counseling for a possible body image issue. I'm not assuming this is the case but you didn't really make your intentions clear. You know, like how I am sure you are not making your intentions clear with your wife. I am sure she is frustrated to no end that you won't talk to her. By the way, she knows so don't make you both be in agony.

Sit down tonight and stat talking. Say you don't know. Tell her you want to figure it out and could use her help. Go to a support group, go to counseling, just don't agonize over it to internet strangers.

[Hope]

I normally agree with Hope on most of her positions and advice but this time I am going to have to disagree.

If you present your case with "levity," your wife could easily resent that you are making light of something that is very concerning to her and very serious. And she might even take your "bubbly positive spin" as a sign of immaturity and lack of the magnitude of your desires and how they will affect her personally.

I didn't suggest that this should be done like you are the morning DJ, including the bulb-horn and slide-whistle and the prank call... just that you present it positively. Too many folks act like they have cancer or like they are about to ruin their relationship. Is it any wonder when SO's react that way?

[L0vleyme]

So the real question is do you consider your self transexed?

If you can't answer these questions then go to a therapist and get help to sort out what is in your head.

The only reason a transgendered person would take cross gender hormones is to transition. If this is not your intent then you need to seek counseling for a possible body image issue.

this about sums it up. I do need to find a therapist, but there is always the need to explain who and why I am meeting every week. Sure, I have huge body image issues.. do I want to fully transition? No not at this time, though I can't stand who I see starring back at me in the mirror and feel the need to change that image. Diet and exercise have only got me so far, but there are parts of my male that depress me everytime I see myself. I plan to have kids after I get married, and that is a big concern..but thats an entire other topic.

Thanks for all the replies from everyone, I will ponder my decisions longer and hopefully act on them in the near futur.

[LitaKelley]

Being married my self and also seeking transition, I can offer you the following from discussions with my own wife.

Here's what you can probably expect your SO to be concerned with.

Your SO will be concerned with how her peers, friends and family will react to her relationship with you.

She will also be concerned with "becoming" a lesbian.. If she has not a single ounce of bi-curious, you have a tough battle ahead of you, and your transition will more than likely end the relationship, and even if she is bi, it could still end. She was attracted to you as a MAN, and although you do indeed have the same heart, soul and mind she knows, the outer image DID play a role.. You change that, she MAY be able to accept YOU, but NOT how others react, etc

Your SO may not be prepared to deal with the negative feelings projected towards her by others, including her own friends and family.

She may also not be ready to deal with the emotional changes that you will go through, and from what I've read here and elsewhere, OMG.. think of how a pregnant woman acts sometimes.. that's gonna be you... Is she ready to deal with that, or is she going to run real fast.

I could go on and on, but basically, you DO need to discuss it with her.. you DO need to discuss your feelings with a therapist as well.

My suggestion is for you to get out more.. It may seem difficult, BUT, I do believe a therapist would suggest this same advice anyway, so, get to it.. It should help you feel better, and help you become more comfortable in your new role.. It'll take an immense load of pressure off your mind and help you ascertain whether or not what you're feeling is genuine. Getting out more often helps relieve some of the negative feelings.

As for having kids, you can have some sperm frozen and kept for AI after transition.

[Aprilrain]

Just like writing a paper in college

I LOVE writing papers! Just tell me how many pages of BS you want.

It sounds like you are putting the cart before the horse. If your not in therapy and you don't plan on self medicating what's the point of having a discussion about hormones? I know there are some places doing informed consent now but even here you will likely have to wait months to get an appointment.

I started by telling her I was going to therapy for my gender issues a month or so later transition came up in conversation she was under the impression (hope) that I wasn't interested in "going all the way" I told her I was seriously thinking about it. I had fully excepted that she would not want to be married to a woman so.....
The thing is you never know how someone will react. She wants us to stay married and raise the kids together, that being said both of us know it will alter the nature of our relationship. Really Our relationship was already altered I just hadn't let on yet and was running on inertia. I digress.