a personal reflection on "internalized transphobia"

[kimdl93]

I didn't want to contribute any more to the "Fear" thread, but I really was struck by Reine's comments about transphobia and felt compelled to respond.

Its really clear to me that if persons like myself want to have enduring relationships with other people, then we must learn to accept ourselves first.

During my first marriage, I was honest about my CDing and accepted by my wife, but I never fully accepted myself. Although my wife accepted my CDing and, we had fun with it, I disliked myself. I saw myself as damaged goods and this attitude expressed itself in a variety of ways - arguementativeness, hyper-criticality of others, tantrums.

Over time, the compounding consequences of anger and self loathing, not the cross dressing, lead to our divorce. Like almost every divorce, ours was emotionally devastating. I left it bruised and battered...and outed to my sons, family and friends. (I don't entirely blame her, I think it was just a convenient hammer to beat me with at the time)

Fortunately, I had a great therapist who impressed upon me (after months of effort) that I wasn't a criminal, that being gay or transgendered or a cross dresser, all of them were OK... It seems I'd grown up with the mistaken assumption that if I wasn't "perfect" I wasn't any good at all.

It took two years for Dr Waters to help me realize that being different wasn't being bad. That was a revelation as somenone who had spent her life thinking that there is something WRONG with me. (my personal list didn't end with cross dressing...I hated the gap between my front teeth, a birthmark on my leg, felt I walked funny and threw a baseball like a girl....) Though I was this deeply flawed person, a cross dresser, I still found that nice, pretty, intelligent women kept being attracted to me. I often didn't appreciate them at the time, because I thought if someone was attracted to me then...well there must be something wrong with them too!!! Talk about a prescription for failure.

But I was lucky and had yet another chance. It wasn't long after I started dating my (second) wife that I screwed up the courage to tell her everything. It was hard, but not horrible....just difficult to admit to someone outside of the therapist's office. (Maybe finally tallking openly and at length to a therapist made it easier to be open with my future wife.)

And this is where I finally get to my point: Those of us who have successful relationships have taken the risk of being totally honest....not by meeting our SO at the door in a corset and stilletos, but by sitting down and talking it over. And certainly not by waiting till the inevitable discovery occurs. OK...here's my point...one can only find the resolve to take that risk when she's at last accepted herself or himself for the entireity of what they are.

My guess is that many of the people hiding from their SOs are also still really hiding from themselves with all those rationalizations you've heard before.

Damn, that was a long way of getting to the point, wasn't it!

[ReineD]

I'm glad you posted this, Kim. If it helps only one person, it will be worth it. :hugs:

[BRANDYJ]

Kim, I too appreciate your posting this. I clearly understand where you are coming from. However, it was different for me. When I met the woman that would become my second wife when I was about 24 or so, she was the very first person that ever knew anything about my being a crossdresser. Back then even I did not know what I was and I felt very strange and alone. I thought I must be the only male in the world that wanted to wear women'a clothes. Remember, back int he 70's, we did not have the wealth of information available to read to even know we were not alone and what it was called. No, I did not accept myself at all. But it was through telling her and her questions that led me to find information about what it was I did. It was her that helped tremendously in my finally accepting myself. Without her understanding, her love, her questions and concerns, I may never have accepted myself. So my thoughts are that a loving partner can help a crossdresser to begin accepting himself. Since she passed away after 10 great years together, I opened up to my third wife. By then I fully liked who and what I was and she had no reservations about loving me for who and what I was. However we divorced for totally unrelated reasons after close to 19 years together. Today we are still friends. My present SO knew from day one and has no issues at all about my dressing. In fact she enjoys it. So count me as very lucky and very blessed.

[Tina B.]

Well said Kim!
Tina B.

[Ash Leland]

Oh lord...do I ever here you on this.

When I finally opened up about how dressing makes me feel, and what an oddly strong pull it is, my then girlfriend sort of walked around the house in a daze for awhile before saying "I don't have any kind of answer for you...I just wish I knew why." She continued to glare at me expectantly, and after I failed to come up with anything for a few minutes, she asked again, forcefully, "why!?" All I could do is reiterrate the fact that dressing makes me feel safe and comfortable and attractive, and the fight that followed remains one of the most guilt-inducing memories I currently have. So I did it in private, off and on, for the remainder of the relationship. ALthough I was consciously acknowledging that this was a desire I have, a peculiarly strong one, I still barely thought about it, and me and my girlfriend were never quite as affectionate since. Even after we broke up, not too long ago, and I began dressing with relative freedom (still haven't set foot outside my dorm) the question of 'why' still hung over me...until just a few days ago.

After that awful night, my girlfriend would ask me odd quesitons about whether or not I was gay or traumatized or whatever. What she needed was some huge reason that could account for everything, and that conviction seeped into me, little by little, and stopped me from being comfortable with myself.

I now know that I don't need a reason. It makes me feel good. I don't know why and I may never know, but it makes me feel good. That's all. I crossdress because I feel like it. It's a preferrence and nothing more, at least in my case. This is seriously a revelation for me. And shouldn't your body and what you wear by the one place where your preferrence is what matters most? Where you don't need to justify or explain yourself to anyone? You're absolutely right: hiding from your SO does stop you from accepting yourself, although it certainly doesn't help if your SO doesn't feel good about you dressing...

When it's out in the open, it sounds so commonsensical, but it can take a ridiculously long time to realize it.... O_O

[amielts]

Thanks for the post. I think it is very true that internalized transphobia hurts us deeply, and self acceptance is the most important thing we need to find.

[Pythos]

good post, and far more eloquent than mine.

The sad thing is. I do accept myself. I like myself. That is what makes me a goth opposed to an Emo, at least in the stereotypical manner. Emos are highly emotional, as well as usually self hating. Goths are emotional, but also they don't give a fig what others think...or at least feign that, but if you prick us, we do bleed.

That being said. It is the world that has a hard time with me. It is the misinformation that is spread that hurts us. I stopped thinking that what I was doing was wrong the day I saw a girl with short hair, and wearing blue jeans, along with T shirt.

[kimdl93]

However, it was different for me. When I met the woman that would become my second wife when I was about 24 or so, she was the very first person that ever knew anything about my being a crossdresser. Back then even I did not know what I was and I felt very strange and alone. I thought I must be the only male in the world that wanted to wear women'a clothes. ....... Without her understanding, her love, her questions and concerns, I may never have accepted myself. So my thoughts are that a loving partner can help a crossdresser to begin accepting himself. .

Good point - being accepted by someone certainly can challenge you to see yourself as a person of value. Sadly it wasn't enough in my case. How did your second wife come to know about your crossdressing?

[Joanne f]

Yes there are one`s who will be hiding from themselves but there are still the one`s who are happy with themselves but feel that they need to hide away from the reactions of others or assumed reactions the problem is until you expose your feelings and desires to others you do not know whether your fears are real or not .
On one hand we have the experts of hiding half of themselves from loved ones and on the other hand we have the experts who know what it is like to deal with this hiding when it emerges , if only there was some way to overcome this .
The problem is that there are no set rules as to how it will turn out so that is always going to make some feel uncomfortable with themselves for they know they may be sitting on a time bomb.

[Kitty Sue]

thanks for posting Kim, I can certainly identify with much of what you have written.

[BRANDYJ]

Good point - being accepted by someone certainly can challenge you to see yourself as a person of value. Sadly it wasn't enough in my case. How did your second wife come to know about your crossdressing?

I'll try to be brief in telling you how my second wife found out. It was shortly after we moved in together long before we married. It's kind of fun thinking back on it. We used to read a book written by the editors of FORUM and VARIATIONS magazine. We'd read out loud some of the true stories from couples about their sex and romantic life. I started dog earing the pages of stories about crossdressing and hoped she'd notice so I could break the ice and tell her what it was I was into. Well come to find out she was dog earing the pages on the bottom of the things that turned her on. So now we knew both of us were doing the same thing in hopes of making it easier to open up to each other about our sexual fantasies. We went through the book together both excited about reading the pages the other had dog eared. It did not take her long to notice that all my stories had something to do with crossdressing, so she came out and asked me if I wanted to wear women's clothes. More talk and I admitted to her about my past. I was so scared, so embarrassed and really had so little information on the topic since this was before the Internet even existed. She did not take it well at first. The usual questions: Are you gay or bisexual, do you want to be a woman and have a sex change, etc. It took her a few days to come to terms with it. In about a week she woke me one morning and informed me that we had to go shopping to buy a dress for me. Seems like in no time we were having fun with my dressing and since we wore about the same size, she gave me some things she no longer wore. Later on, she also borrowed some things I had bought for myself.
That was the beginning of my self acceptance and 10 good years with her until cancer took her from me.

[Ericka2]

To be fair with the ones that still hiding themselves Kim, I went 15 years in hiding and secretive,until I got divorced and now I'm remarried and I made sure my new partner knew about my big secret, I went on for 15 years in secret because my ex was one of them people that kept calling me fa...t, gay, etc..and always putting me down, she was not the person I could of trust and I'm so glad I didn't, so I give everyone that's in hiding the benefit of the doubt.