What's Your Career Path? redux

[Sara Jessica]

With thanks to Veronica for saying something that led me to dig back into the original "Career Path" thread and to Marla of course for creating that thread back in August of 2009 in the first place, I thought there's no better time than the present to revisit the concept, to revive my own tale.

I am picking up where I left off with a little repeat from the last few paragraphs, ones which I have added to when compared with what I wrote in the original thread... www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?113195-What-is-your-own-quot-career-path-quot&highlight=career+path

...2005-ish - For some reason I started going out again. Found Countessa's Closet in LA, a TG boutique that was elegant and classy when contrasted against the stuff that scared me about the TG establishments I discovered earlier. Purchased my first breast forms from her. Whle I had always been confident before, I was now becoming polished and going out more frequently. Also discovered that when it came to fashion, smaller boutiques that cater to women held an appeal to me. Became a customer of a small chain called Ames which had locations in malls and also stand-alone locations throughout the LA area. It was here that I learned the value of being treated as any other woman customer, yet they were also sensitive to the TG thing which helped my confidence soar, partially due to the understanding support they provided.

Holiday season 2006 - Out of the blue I decided to contact one of my old support groups, Neutral Corner in SD. They said "come on down" and I attended their holiday meeting. Long story shorter, I met my friend Kim who has been such a dear friend ever since. We are like-minded and have had very similar life experiences.

2007 - Confession to my wife that this has never been a dressing thing. I tell her more of my history and that in my heart of hearts I have always been a girl (in my youth) & woman (now). I'm feeling myself give in to a real possiblity that transition could be in my future. She is devestated to say the least as we can envision the life we built for our family crashing down around us. This is where I can really empathise with the women in our lives. My disclosure regarding the depth of this whole thing pretty much shattered her dreams of a "normal" life in suburbia.

2008 - Another dear friend who was transitioning inspires me though words an her experiences to take stock in what I have. This friend happened to be the late Christine Daniels. The last time I spoke with her on the phone in the spring of 2009, she said something to me that not a day goes by without her words echoing in my mind. In reference to my ability to bounce back and forth between two worlds, she said "I wish I had what you have". This coming from someone who I always saw as living my dream.

Inspired by Christine's words while worrying daily about her well being, I made every effort to embrace this sentiment...

I am not likely to entertain a full time transition. This is for the sake of my family and the life we have built together. This is out of the love I have for my dear wife and my wonderful children. This is something I must cope with each and every day but I know deep down inside it is the best decision. I have heard many comments about the bravery it takes for one to be authentic to her being and pursue transition, yet I was told the other day by a woman who owns a clothing boutique I recently discovered that my decision is just as brave. I had never really thought if it that way but I can see why she would say that. I may be judged by some of those who transition that I'm just playing at being a woman, trying to have it both ways or whatever. My response is that I am doing the best I am able given the cards I have been dealt, including many I have pulled from the deck myself. There is little question that if the internet resources were around when I was in college that I'd have moved towards transition then. But I don't look back with regret because had I taken that road, I wouldn't have my family which I love so dearly.

Then following a public-yet-very-private attempt to detransition, Christine passed away in late November, 2009, sadly by her own doing. One would think that this would reinforce my resolve NOT to transition but the opposite happened. Whatever the reason, it took the support of several dear friends, both in person and in these pages over the course of a few months along with a cathartic discussion I led at my support group about these events to finally bring me back down to Earth.

Well, sort of.

In 2009 I said this...

A woman is not defined by her appearance. It is what's in her heart. I know what I am in my heart and I know my other persona exhibits this as well. All I can do is take things as they come, cherish my family, pray for peace in my heart and try to be the best I am able when I have an opportunity to be myself.

Well being the best I am able has evolved into some changes in my appearance. Some permanent (facial electro), others dramatic (long hair which now has not been cut in over a year).

Anyone know the object of the game show "The Price Is Right"? Coming as close to the actual price without going over. Well that seems to be where I am now. No question one might perceive the things I've done of late as being baby steps in anticipation of eventual transition but seriously, I am honestly attempting to get as close to that line as possible without going over.

The problem is that my wonderful wife, bless her heart, is really disliking my hair. It is a constant reminder to her of who I am. In the last month or so, it has really become a wedge between us as I stubbornly refuse to cut it. Yet from a basic communication standpoint, I have found myself unable to engage her in conversation to the point where I can convey the depth of what my hair means to me (keep in mind, other than the superficial or stuff related to my going out, the "T" thing is rarely discussed in any detail). Could my hair be part of a slippery slope? Sure. But in my effort to hold on to my life as I know it now, it represents something deeper. It may seem silly but long hair enhances what is in my heart and it helps me to fend off the desire to transition on a day to day basis. When in guy mode, I can still feel feminine. When presenting as female, I can feel (& look???) utterly feminine even with little or no makeup and/or when absolutely dressed down.

Still, I wonder lately why she even puts up with this any longer. I have mentioned elsewhere the empathy I have for the women in our lives. What I represent now is far from the dream any girl would have, growing up imagining what her future would hold for her. This brings me pain, to know that no matter whether we stay together (which of course I am counting on...things are not at any sort of critical mass right now), I have shattered her dreams, simple as that. This can be a very hard thing for both of us to cope with.

Such is life on my middle path. I have hope in being able to get through these issues and stay a course that does not necessarily include transition.

Just because I think I can transition doesn't mean I should.

[JohnH]

Just my two cents worth



It may seem silly but long hair enhances what is in my heart and it helps me to fend off the desire to transition on a day to day basis.


If you cut your hair it needs to be on your terms. I get a little ribbing from my wife (who has short hair) about the length of my hair but there is no intense dislike on her part.

You might give your wife a choice of keeping your hair long or cutting your hair and starting hormones.

Johanna

[Sara Jessica]

If you cut your hair it needs to be on your terms.

I'd like to say I agree, to a certain extent.

Career could require it. Thus far it's not an issue where I'm at now. Making a change would almost require cutting it. That wouldn't be so much on my terms. Also, should things with my wife reach a critical mass, then yes, I would have to cut it. I sincerely hope it doesn't come to that.


You might give your wife a choice of keeping your hair long or cutting your hair and starting hormones.

Ultimatums are never a good thing in a relationship. One such as this would have a simple outcome...divorce :(.

[suchacutie]

Living in both genders is a constant challenge, especially when balancing a family that started off unaware of the issue of transgenderism. One of the biggest challenges is maintaining perspective. It's so easy to find ourselves wrapped up in our feminine selves that a sense of disengaged perspective is almost impossible to maintain. Yet, it is most essential that we stand back every now and again to make sure that the rudder is amidships. Sometimes this can be done with a friend, or maybe professional assistance, or just talking it out here might be enough.

My wife is incredibly supportive, and yet there are areas of action that would stun her into a less supportive postion. So far we have been able to talk all these things out satisfactorily. Like you, I plan to live in both genders. I committed to my wife and that's where I've decided to stay.

If I might comment on your hair, I don't know how long it is, but maybe you can tap your wife's expertise and compromise on a cut that could go either way? Getting her involved may be the best way :)

It's not easy, but then again life was never billed as an easy deal :)

my best,
tina

[TGMarla]

And so we see that so many others suffer with the same struggles with their gender identities that we do. And such things bring so much unnecessary pain with them. Growing my hair is not an option for me, since so much of it has fallen out by now. I constantly find myself envying women for the fact that they rarely, if ever, lose their hair. Thank goodness for nice wigs! And since the road that leads to transition and gender reassignment is finally in my rear view mirror (I will not pursue that path), I am fine relegating myself to wigs in order to achieve my feminine image. My own issues with gender have levelled off so that I'm now accepting that I will remain male, and exhibit (when I'm by myself, anyway) strong transexual tendencies. I plan on remaining my wife's husband, a privilege I am blessed and happy to have in my life.

Since I wrote the original post a year and a half ago, little has changed for me. I dress three or four times a week, and generally stay at home when I do it. I have settled into something of a routine with it all, and it satisfies my needs as much as can be. My desires to be a woman will likely never go away, so I still have the longing and the frustrations that come with that. But I manage to stay content merely crossdressing and "being" a woman on those terms a few times a week. My wife and I still don't discuss it much, and I do my best to keep it out of sight out of deference to her wishes. She is, after all, half of our relationship, and she has her rights and desires in regards to that, too. I respect that.

The wonderful, beautiful wig I got about two years ago, when I went out to a wig shop, fully en femme (what a wonderful time that was!), is showing it's age a bit, and I may need to get another some time soon. Money is tight, so it will wait a while, and I'll make do with what I have. I am still purchasing "new" dresses on a somewhat frequent basis, but not nearly as frequently as I was a few years back.

I still wonder what will happen should my wife one day come home unexpectedly to find me all dressed up. I hope it turns into a non-issue, and that we just move on together. I hope she doesn't make too big a deal out of it. I hope I'm wearing one of my prettier dresses if and when that happens.

Hang in there, Sara. If you ever need to unload, I'll lend a shoulder.

[Frédérique]

With thanks to Veronica for saying something that led me to dig back into the original "Career Path" thread and to Marla of course for creating that thread back in August of 2009 in the first place, I thought there's no better time than the present to revisit the concept, to revive my own tale.

Hi - remember me? I believe I was the one who created the original “Transvestism Career Path” thread, and Marla’s branched off from it. I still have it, so, in lieu of a link:


Transvestism Career Path
So, I’m reading this book I got at the local library – “Cross Dressing, Sex, and Gender” by Vern L. Bullough and Bonnie Bullough, and I came across the following list, based on another list written in 1970 by the sociologist H. Taylor Buckner. This is an updated circa 1993 six-step "Transvestism Career Path,” another attempt to explain the unexplainable:

Step I: A genetic predisposition and physiological factors, including hormonal secretions and neural patterns, combine to produce a boy who is less active and less aggressive than his peers.
Step 2: Family and social factors influence the child: The mother may be the dominant figure in the family. The socioeconomic status of the family may be high. Respectability may be highly regarded by the family and peer group. The culture may stigmatize homosexuality. The family may be homophobic. In addition, various idiosyncratic social forces intervene.
Step 3: The child or adolescent stumbles onto the joy of cross dressing and masturbation. Orgasm occurs and is a reinforcement. The activity remains clandestine and is possible without any loss of respectability or other punishment.
Step 4: Marriage to a conventional partner takes place, and thoughts of any same-sex orientation are suppressed.
Step 5: The sex partner joins in with and supports the cross-dressing activity, or grudgingly accepts it, or leaves. If she leaves or other losses are felt, the activity may well accelerate. A supportive partner also helps the activity to increase. The grudging partner may hamper the activity, but the relationship is probably not a pleasant or lasting one.
Step 6: If the subject discovers the transvestite clubs or publications, his activities are shaped by the norms of the group. His cross dressing escalates, he adopts a female name, and going out dressed in public becomes a valued goal.

I don’t agree with most of this explanation, and I don’t seem to fit the “norm” in our own little world (according to outsiders), either. Let me explain, step by step:

Step 1: I was definitely a less active and less aggressive boy – still am.
Step 2: My mother was not the dominant figure in my family, but I identified and empathized with her at all times. Social respectability was not an issue, and homosexuality was never discussed (nor was transvestism, for that matter). I was free to explore my feelings.
Step 3: These were two different “stumblings” at different times for me. They always try to equate the two in some way, but, in my case, cross dressing suppresses sexual thought. It’s like going to a secret oasis.
Step 4: I’ve never been married, but I had a girlfriend that was so GG that I stopped dressing for three years. She couldn’t understand why I loved to go shopping for clothes with her! Apparently, heterosexual transvestism is beyond explanation, because it's curiously absent from this particular study.
Step 5: N/A, but I’ve had supportive, grudging, and uninformed girlfriends – does that count? Come to think of it, everybody left! There certainly have been “other losses,” though…
Step 6: I think I’ve found the transvestite club! Hooray! Ecsalation = happiness.

I must say I hate it when people try to explain things that seem natural to me, but its funny to read nonetheless. Obviously, every girl here has followed her own unique “career path” to where we are right now. Please let me know your thoughts on this…

Thanks for reading...

[Kathi Lake]

1963 - A little boy is born. She will later realize that she was 'cheated' out of what was her 'birthright.' She prayed every night that this obvious mistake would be corrected. Her prayers were never answered.

1981 - Through a succession of girlfriends, cousins, and unwatched laundry lines, this little girl has been dressed up countless times, collected plenty of clothes, gotten yelled at and publicly humiliated for said clothes, developed very small, yet noticeable breasts through a hormone imbalance (and thought God was finally listening), joined the military in an attempt to 'drive the girl out of him,' gotten caught during a surprise room inspection with a closetful of women's clothes (blamed on a girlfriend), and basically wondered where this life was going.

1985 - Stationed in Korea, one of the tailoring and custom-made clothing capitols of the world, found a sympathetic shop, where she had many clothes made for her, and even did a few modeling shows in Korean stores. Puberty and the right hormones finally came and visited - though they were the wrong ones. She went from 5' 7" and 109 pounds with very girly features to a 5' 10" 140 pound normal male. Sigh. Very few of her pretty custom clothes fit anymore.

1989 - After many cycles of binging and purging (of clothes!), she finally marries the woman of her dreams. Will this finally be the thing to drive the girl out of her forever? Will she find happiness being a guy?

1994 - A halloween contest and a friend who happens to be a cosmetologist seem to conspire to bring the girl out yet again. Not wanting to look foolish (in the cosmetologist's words), we do everything - body hair gone, eyebrows plucked and shaped, nails, makeup, cute clothes, etc. She did a wonderful job, and Kathi (who had finally found a name for herself around this time), came to the forefront once again, to the chagrin of her long-suffering wife, who often came in from a 12-hour shift to find Kathi at home instead of her husband.

2009 - It has been a whirlwind time for Kathi. Most of her dressing has been at home and in secret due to requests from her wife to "keep it out of her face." Kathi finds this place here, and immediately feels at home. Her confidence increases to the level that she actually goes out dressed as Kathi for normal events instead of Halloween and the like. She realizes that when she is dressed like this, she feels normal and perfectly fine. The fear that others seem to mention just doesn't seem to be there - whether due to a lifetime being the butt of jokes, resulting in very thick skin, or the realization that others' opinions just don't matter. She feels liberated, free, and at peace. She wonders if she is not what she appears.

2011 - Through some wonderful conversations with Sara Jessica, Suzanne, Veronica, and others here on the forums, she takes a real, hard look at herself. Is she one acronym or the other? Is she male or female? Does it really matter? Finally, she comes to the realization that she is happy - truly happy - and makes the statement to Sara in a post, "I don't have to be female to be feminine." Am I he? Am I she? Yes. Yes, I am. I am me, and for as long as I'm happy, that's exactly who I'm going to be. I am, as Sara and others have said, occupying the middle path. The median. Some may think that the lack of one status makes you the other. I'm not nearly that binary. I believe that I am simply me - whether that means I'm a boy or a girl is immaterial. I am almost pathologically sane and boring, and I am happy. Why screw with that?

:)

Kathi

[WillowWriter]

1991-The oddest little boy was born, it was a happy day, but it was short lived.


2002-After starting to find his place, he was over at a friends house, when she decided that he would look good as girl. He did, and it was a good day. He was dressed up for the entire day. He had so much fun.

2004-The girl who always dressed him up moved away, and he was transfered to an Alternative school to help him with his emotions, being bipolar and all. That's where he met his best friend and basically his brother, Ben. They worked together, helping each other grow.

2006-Ben and Will graduated from NSA and parted ways. Their friendship stood strong, but they weren't at the same school anymore. As freshman year was halfway over, Will was having a very hard time, getting him back to an Alternative school, reuniting with Ben.

2010-Ben and Will graduated from Glenbrook South High School, and have the best summer since 7th grade.

2011-Will came out to his best friends, Ben and Joanna about crossdressing and he wanted support. They were more then happy to help.

Now-Will is working for Clearbrook, a special education service for kids with Autism and Bipolar Disorder. He is also working on his writing, writing a new book after finishing his long running book, that fell through.

[Faith_G]

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?113195-What-is-your-own-quot-career-path-quot&p=1853280&viewfull=1#post1853280

Wow, this takes me back! The original thread really got me started thinking about my life. Two months after that post I went out for the first time - on Halloween because I was too scared to try it any other time. It was amazing, nobody pointed and laughed, I was gendered female pretty consistently, it felt awesome to be a woman in the world! I did not want that night to end! (story here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?118902-First-time-out-and-spooky-Halloween-pics&highlight= ) I started looking for more safe places to go. I went to one CD support group and did not feel like I fit in there. Then I went to the church whose basement the CD support group used. Not only did I reconnect with God and find healing from the spiritual abuse I suffered as a child, but I met other trans women there. Their stories resonated with mine, their lives and hopes and dreams made sense to me. That scared the crap out of me, but having to go back to being a guy after being a woman was tearing me up inside. Barely a month after going out for the first time, I decided to transition and got right to it. I also admitted to myself that I like guys. I stopped presenting male outside work last February, I even sold one car and bought a replacement while presenting female (that was interesting at the title office). I started HRT around that time as well. In April I told my family (Dad and siblings, I am single with no kids). My family have adjusted except for my brother. I went full-time on July 17, 2010, successfully transitioning on the job as the face of my company in a male dominated field in a very conservative area. I changed my name August 31 and have been very successful in dealing with the legal issues - even my birth certificate says "Female" now. I have had and dumped one boyfriend and I'm currently seeking the next one. Surgery is scheduled for June 6, 2011.

So it's been an eventful year and a half...

Sara Jessica, your comments on empathy really struck home to me. Empathy was one of the reasons I never tried to marry. I knew in my heart what I was, and that it wasn't going away, and that I was going to break someone's heart. I also know that if I was to marry a man and then find out he CD'ed or was TS, I would not be able to stay in that relationship. I would be a helpful and supportive ex, but I would definitely be ex ASAP. Sorry, but I want and need a man. And I can understand and empathize with other women who feel the same way. I just think it's wrong of them to play games with acceptance, ultimatums, and emotional blackmail. Accept the CD/TS wholeheartedly or leave. I would have to leave.

[Sara Jessica]

Living in both genders is a constant challenge, especially when balancing a family that started off unaware of the issue of transgenderism. One of the biggest challenges is maintaining perspective. It's so easy to find ourselves wrapped up in our feminine selves that a sense of disengaged perspective is almost impossible to maintain. Yet, it is most essential that we stand back every now and again to make sure that the rudder is amidships. Sometimes this can be done with a friend, or maybe professional assistance, or just talking it out here might be enough.

...If I might comment on your hair, I don't know how long it is, but maybe you can tap your wife's expertise and compromise on a cut that could go either way? Getting her involved may be the best way :)

Tina, excellent advice on keeping perspective. Sadly, I have an easier time recognizing good advice than implementing it.

As for getting her involved with the hair thing, she doesn't like to be involved so much other than to say (her words) "I want my handsome husband back". So not only is it a gender thing that is getting in the way, it affects her attraction to me. And I totally understand where she's coming from. Women are typically attracted to men and my presentation these days flies in the face of what she perceives as being attractive.


I still wonder what will happen should my wife one day come home unexpectedly to find me all dressed up. I hope it turns into a non-issue, and that we just move on together. I hope she doesn't make too big a deal out of it. I hope I'm wearing one of my prettier dresses if and when that happens.

Hang in there, Sara. If you ever need to unload, I'll lend a shoulder.

Marla, at least you seem to have found your groove, a stable place where you feel you have just enough time to exercise your femininity. Stability in dealing with this whole thing is priceless.

And as always, thank you for being there and for the wisdom you impart with your words. Please let me offer one bit of advice regarding your wife coming home to find you dressed. Assuming she has never seen "Marla", NEVER NEVER NEVER let her happen upon you If she needs to call ahead at certain times, so be it. My opinion is that if she is ever open to meeting that side of you, it should be on both of your terms, not by happenstance.


Hi - remember me? I believe I was the one who created the original “Transvestism Career Path” thread, and Marla’s branched of from it.

Yes Freddy, now I see that and I'm so sorry for failing to recognize you as well.


1963 - A little boy is born. ...

...2011 - Through some wonderful conversations with Sara Jessica, Suzanne, Veronica, and others here on the forums, she takes a real, hard look at herself. Is she one acronym or the other? Is she male or female? Does it really matter? Finally, she comes to the realization that she is happy - truly happy - and makes the statement to Sara in a post, "I don't have to be female to be feminine." Am I he? Am I she? Yes. Yes, I am. I am me, and for as long as I'm happy, that's exactly who I'm going to be. I am, as Sara and others have said, occupying the middle path. The median. Some may think that the lack of one status makes you the other. I'm not nearly that binary. I believe that I am simply me - whether that means I'm a boy or a girl is immaterial. I am almost pathologically sane and boring, and I am happy. Why screw with that?

I'm glad you played Kathi!!! :)

And while I'm good with the label thing in describing what we encounter in this wonderful world of ours, and to help us understand ourselves, I'm thinking that your label should simply be "H"...it could mean human but more importantly, it should mean happy.


http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?113195-What-is-your-own-quot-career-path-quot&p=1853280&viewfull=1#post1853280

Wow, this takes me back! The original thread really got me started thinking about my life...

And Faith, I went back to read your original post and then picked up where that left off. Words pretty much escape me right now but I'll say that if this were a literal "career path", you'd be getting the keys to the corner office about now. I guess congratulations are in order in that you seem to have found such peace. Taking the path that you have in the way you describe things helps me to imagine the wonderment of the new & hopefully exciting adventures you will experience in living as your true self. I sincerely wish you the best.