Scared and Nervous, with a question mostly for gg's and ts's

[Violetgray]

I apologize if I rambled a bit, it was past 2 am in the morning, and the night had been.. eventful

Anyway, skip to 2mins. 30 seconds to get to the point... There is a question, but I think I just needed to rant...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMcroadi1-c&feature=feedu

[LitaKelley]

WOW.. your voice.. sexy and feminine.. I wish I had a girl voice like that. As for answering your question, I don't know what to say...

But, about your comedy.. have you thought about posting more comedy videos for youtube and building up a following that way and getting into their partner program for revenue sharing?

[JOJO44]

Let's see:
You are dressed and look like a female.
You sound like a female.
It is two in the morning.

What am I missing here?

I know it is not right, but it is what it is.

You are a woman out walking the streets at two in the morning. Sorry.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Violet,

I watched question 1 and question 2 videos. I'm pretty sure he thought you were genetic. I'm not a GG, but I think that it is "normal" for guys to try to hit on attractive girls like you are, especially if you are on your own and it's late at night. Men who are like this guy seems to be, don't have a reputation for being called "sexual predators" for nothing. My wife tells me all the time, "its no picnic being a woman in this world". :2c: That's the whole point of the Gwen Steffani song.

Hugs
Rachel

[PortiaHoney]

Hi Violet

What you have experienced is perfectly normal for any woman walking the streets at 2am in the morning by herself. Being hassled by scumbag men who don't know what "no" means happens every day. If you try to be polite - they just think they need to use more "persuasion". It can get messy. A very firm, clear "NO THANKS" will mostly get through but not always. You could follow it up with "F**K OFF D**K HEAD", but that too can get nasty.

The answer. Don't be walking the streets, alone, at 2am. Most women learn this lesson at an early age.

I would consider the fact that you got home in one piece, especially after guy no.2, to be a wake up call and you were VERY lucky you got home before he decided to take matters into his own hands. It could have been so much worse. It's not that I want to scare you. He could have been a very nice single gentleman who holds a very responsible position in a high profile company looking for some long term commitment with a beautiful woman because he discovered all those women he could meet through normal channels are just too boring. Not some bum, driving a white van, searching for a victim to have his dastardly way with, because he has no home, no job, bored, having watched too many porn videos and too many drugs in his system..

You enjoy doing the show? That is great. Another thing you may find yourself experiencing is the unwanted fan who won't go away. I don't want to scare you, but these things are a reality for all women.

Confidence goes a long way to protecting yourself from these unwanted attentions. The clothes you choose to wear will either scream - don't mess with me - or - oh look, I'm easy. A short skirt at 2am is an open invitation to idiots who have been drinking or worse. They immediately think "hooker" or at the very least, an easy target.

A taxi, if it's possible, is the only option I can think of to get from A to B in one piece. Unless you have a male friend who can join you for the walk home.

Keep safe darling.

Portia

[Niya W]

Simple answer is . If you go out enough you will run into a guy like that. I've had guys make rude comments, others that would not take no for and answer. I've had guys whistle at me while I'm in my car I tell them I don't like men and they think they can change that. The thing that got to me is a guy tried to get into my car. This was in front of bar with people in it . I started the car and backed up. I told him if he does not get out I'd drag him for the next 50 miles and break ever god damn bone in his body. Do to the fact that I was working on my car I had a heavy socket wrench in my car which I grabbed . That convinced to get out . I'm not saying things like that will happen but you have some stupid men out there . If they are drinking it makes it worse . If y are going to leave at 2am I suggest driving . As you found out walking the street at 2 am is different as women than guy . If you are going to walk home invest in pepper spray or a stun gun or both.

[PortiaHoney]

. The thing that got to me is a guy tried to get into my car. This was in front of bar with people in it . I started the car and backed up. I told him if he does not get out I'd drag him for the next 50 miles and break ever god damn bone in his body.

Lesson number 2. Always lock your doors when you get into your car.

[Niya W]

I unlocked my car door and he grabbed the handle very quickly. I was in the process of closing my door when he grabbed the handle .Plus I was not thinking much about it as there was people out side when he did it .

[Steph.TS]

The man in the white minivan creeps me out, the behavior you describe make me think he's a stalker, I think it would have been good if you called a taxi or something and have the taxi go to a hotel or some place safe. leave people like that completely clueless about you. going in the house means he can look at a phone book and call you...

I consider myself TS, but I'm not full time, I haven't even walked outside enfemme yet, but I can only hope that what you experienced is not normal.

[Vickie_CDTV]

This really made me think about what I would do. I told my elderly (vulnerable) mother not to hesitate to take out a cell phone and dial 911 if she ever feels she is in danger; give them your location etc. and tell them someone is threatening you (the guy following you in the van would qualify as a threat to me.) While you are in a different situation in life (TG, a woman of color, young and attractive), and attitudes by the authorities vary, would it have been appropriate to dial 911?

If that had been me, I probably would have dialed 911.

[girlalex]

I wouldn't even do it in guy mode. lol. its not safe period.

[Olivia2]

I doubt your were read as anything but a gg (you certainly pass for a gg) and it would seem to me that there is no perfect response... but most likely moving like you know where your going and not engaging in conversation would be the best way to signal you are not interested and not available. Even in male mode I would not be crazy about walking out in the streets alone and taking too much time getting to my home-that is, not stopping for food, etc. Even males can be mugged late at nite when very few people are around. Please be careful.

Edt: didn't mean to repeat what the previous poster said about guy mode because I was writing during the previous post but I'll leave it to emphasize the point.

[Raychel]

You are very right to be scared Violet. The world is a very differant place at 2:00am. As said before. I would definitly carry some pepper spray. You should also find a friend that will walk home with you. I would definitly not do it alone.

[KellyCD]

One more reason I wanna be a cop. I want to make the streets safer for people.

[Jenna Stunned]

Sounds like you just ran across some drunken a-holes who were showing their ture scumbag colors. Ive never been out so I can't say how often that happenes but, There is NO WAY you were read as anything other than a GG. You pass really well, Even if you were like 6 foot 5, I dont think that anyone would read you. Im glad that everything turned out alright in the end because, Thats a really scary story. I hope things go better for you in the future.

[cordgrass]

I'm going to disagree with the other posters in this thread. You misunderstood social customs. A woman has a perfect right to walk along the street alone at 2:00 am. But a lady does NOT respond in the slightest to strange men on the street talking to her, particularly at 2:00 am. By responding at all to these men you were signaling you were open to more conversation, and possibly might be a prostitute. You walk by with your head held high and completely ignore them. No smile, no recognition that they are there. If a man persists, you take out your cellphone and pretend to talk to someone. If he persists further, like the way he was following you right to the front of your home, you tell him you are calling the police if he doesn't leave this instant. That latter comment should be the only comment you give him.

By showing submissive behavior--responding to a stranger's advances, even if just with a smile--you are signaling to the men that you are vulnerable to predatory behavior. It is understandable that these men were testing the waters. You absolutely pass as a woman, and the likelihood of a woman walking alone at 2:00 am being a prostitute is large. As long as you make it perfectly clear that you are a respectable lady, they will probably respond in kind.

By the way, an excellent book for any woman or transsexual to have is The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It goes into great detail about how to keep yourself safe and discern predatory men.

[Pythos]

Violet, I want to appologize for all the decent men out there for that behavior from those Jack asses.

I really agree with Cordgrass, I totally dislike the notion women should be out on the streets alone, even at 2am. But it is dangerous. You need to know how to exude much confidence. I do agree that talking to these men in any manner is a no no. I worry when my GG decides to go walking about late at night on her own. She is extremely "victim" mentality. She exudes "victim", but she is trying to work on that.

My view on this is NO ONE, male female, gay straight, CD, TS, should be out on their own at that time in the morning, or even at night. There are some real scumballs out there, mostly male and they do this stuff all the time. It is wrong, disgusting, and gives men the horrid name they have.

Violet, I hope that this SOB got the message, was drunk and forgets everything. Keep us informed if he surfaces again, if he does CALL THE COPS.

[TGMarla]

This has never happened to me while en femme, but it happened to me anyway, en homme, while walking home one night. A car was slowly following me while walking, and I felt....like prey. I asked a cop for help, and he told me, "Well that's prob'ly just some fa**ot trying to pick you up, boy! What's that you got sticking out o' th' bag there?" It was a nightstick, a billy club, to protect myself from getting mugged again, like I had only two weeks prior to this episode. I was arrested for carrying an illegal weapon, during what turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life.

Nearly every GG I've ever talked to about such things has some similar story like yours to tell. They carry mace, or pepper spray, or those little cans that make a really loud noise when you press the button on top. They park close, never walk alone, take cabs for even short distances. It's a victim's mentality, and it pains me to think that women have to live like this. But it's not only women who are victimized. Getting rolled like I had been was very traumatic, and getting arrested simply for trying to defend myself was almost as bad.

When we go out presenting ourselves as women, we are inserting ourselves into the world of women, and it comes with all the bad stuff along with the good. Welcome to their world. It's full of pervs and predators, like it or not. I'm not female, but the answer to your question "is that normal?" is, unfortunately, YES. The abnormal has become the norm, and the best thing you can do, especially if you're presenting yourself as female, is assume the role, and act accordingly. This means protect yourself, and be ready for the unexpected. Remember, women (especially at 2 AM) disappear all the time, and it usually ends in tragedy. Don't be a victim.

[Dena]

Great advice from Cordgrass. If you have a cellphone it should have been in your hand. Maybe you could have gone up to your door and knocked on it, pretending you were where you were going (but not letting on you were home).

I'm actually amazed at the number of women who have had worse experiences than that.

I tried to like Eddie Izzard, but do not find him amusing.

[BRANDYJ]

True a woman has the right to be out on the street at 2AM just as anyone else has the right. Of course that includes the drunks, the stalkers and predators of the world. Sure she has the right, but it's damn foolish and dangerous. It's not even safe for a man to be out waking the streets at 2 AM alone.
I agree with everyone else Violet, you are very convincing as a woman and that's what this jerk was hitting on. Please stop risking your neck by walking home alone at 2 AM. Hell, I'm not so sure I'd risk walking your street as my male self, let alone as a female.

[Babette]

As Cordgrass said, a woman has the right to walk along the street alone at 2:00 AM. Here is the reality though. Rights alone cannot protect you from injury or death because attackers won't respect them anyway. Your best defense under any condition starts with maintaining situational awareness at all times and then using good judgment. Would you wade through a pit full of hungry alligators at feeding time? No because common sense tells you otherwise. Would you let a 10 year old child walk the same street alone as Violet did at 2:00 AM? I certainly hope not. Would anyone on this forum walk a darkened alleyway alone within a seedy part of town? OK, I've made my point. The potential for violent crime or harassment anywhere dramatically increases at night. Just keep that in mind before going in harms way.

Women are not the only victims to foul play or sexual predators. Innocent men, women, and children are harmed everyday throughout the world. Too often, they failed to use good judgment and were in the wrong place at the right time.

I believe Cordgrass offered some good advice for dealing with threatening people. Hopefully, this will end the situation should it happens to you. If it doesn't and the situation escalates, then it's time to be thinking about a new action plan. To that end, I strongly encourage every person reading this post to arm themselves with knowledge. Please attend training on personal safety at your first opportunity. It can save you life. I know because it saved my own.

Babette

[Sheren Kelly]

Hi Violet,
I too have been followed on several occasions. I feel gender fluid enough to go from femme to fighter in a heartbeat, but I am conscious that once I step into my femme side, I become a target (regardless of being perceived as a tall lady or a CD) and behave accordingly. I avoid dark places and try to stay with friends etc. I have even asked people I trust to walk me to my car at the end of the night. Obviously that won't work everytime, but we have to accept that we draw unwanted attention (or malice) just for being ourselves. If any of us are EVER followed, please try to get to a place where there are other people. The best bet is to make your way on a well lighted and busy street to the nearest police station, or busy store or restaurant. I felt a shudder when you said you walked into an alley!

I hope we all carry cell phones and have a trusted friend we can call (even at 2am).

As for guys, who knows what they are after?
This could have been an honest (but inappropriate) expression of attraction; and attempt to lure you into an opportunity for them to bash a TG or potentially a prelude to rape. In any event, no one can predict the motivations of a prowler you meet on a dark street, so it is absolutely better to be safe than sorry.

[Robynts]

Violet, sorry your had such a crappy experience. Most guys, especially late at night and drunk are a**holes.


My response otta get this group fired up, but a**holes in the middle of the night are exactly why I have a concealed carry permit. Also, guys who don't understand the meaning of the word "NO" are the reason why I made my son and daughter both earn a black belt before they could date.

[Stephanie Anne]

2 in the morning and you are walking home in what I can only guess a neighborhood that has prostitution. You looked like a target. There is no way that is normal.

You need to take better precautions with yourself. What happened is Russian Roulette and if you keep being careless like that you will eventually be raped, mugged, beaten, or worse. Stop being in situations that you felt safe as a guy. Never put yourself in that situation again.

[Faith_G]

Now you understand what "male privilege" means deep down in your soul.

Violet, please let a man walk you home from now on. It's sexist, it's not right and it's not fair, but it's the world we live in.

[Shelly Preston]

Violet I am sorry this happened to you

Always use the safest option you can when getting home, be it taxi or a friend taking you home

I hope you took a note of the licence plate of the van especially since the guy knows where you live

I think you should report this the police because he might be doing this with other women too

Who knows what could happen then

[Roberta Marie]

Violet,

I have to agree with the others. Avoid situations that may be dangerous, be aware of your surroundings, and have a plan of action for when things go bad. Mace or a stun gun may be an option. There have been situations where I had my cellphone out, had dialed our local police, and had my finger on the "TALK" button, ready to dial if needed (911 calls often take longer to get through as they often go through a regional dispatch center and have to be transfered to a local dispatch center).

That said, I watched one of your other videos, and I thought you were great. A true inspiration, being willing to get up on stage, to those that want to and are struggling to get out of the closet.

Stay safe.

[carolinoakland]

Yep, happnes all the time. And walk home with someone or take a cab. It's not worth the risk. There are places I'd never go that I used to because it IS diferent for girls. Be Careful! Carol

[victoriamwilliams1]

Violet,

You know you have crossed into woman hood when men flirt. I have found that we get to a point where we can forget that to the world we look and at times sound like women. I know that many of us thrive to be "passable" and as time goes on many do become "passable" so here are my responses to your video:

Rule #1: Do NOT walk home after dark!
Rule #2: As I have said many times in my writings is that Men see you as a woman and all the safety rules that women use applies to us.
Rule #3: For your safety I suggest either walking with a guy friend or taking a cab if your out at 2am. Even when 2 women are out that late the problem can get complicated.

Answer: No need to worry about the guy he may have been drunk or high. I have had to deal with guys and from the female perspective some guys do not understand NO and I am married does not work I have found! I have been hit on before and the first time it happens you are thrown back! It is like you have been thrown in ice cold water.

And to that crowd: I think you did the right thing by going off script. I have seen many comedian bomb when the refused to go off script.


Now be safe sis!

[Presh GG]

Violet
Reread cordgrass' post , then read it again. Live by it, it may save your life.
Yes, this is the life of a gg.

Consider yourself lucky. My sister didn't make it home from work..I wish we had had cell phones back then.
It was a long time ago.

For God's sake take a cab AND carry protection, even cab drivers have been known to make your night miserable.

Presh GG

[donnalee]

Hi Violet
I'm so sorry that you had to experience this kind of crass behavior; I know how traumatic that can be. I've always looked forward to your posts for their well-expressed intelligence.
As I, and my SO, spent a number of years working nights in a VERY tough town, here are a few suggestions. If you don't drive, take a cab (watch the driver; I've heard of a case where the main suspect in a girl's disappearance was the cabbie; he later confessed), or a bus. If at all possible, go with other people; while 2 is good, 3 is much better. Stay in well-lit areas with as many people around as possible.
I'm not sure if Maryland has a concealed carry "must issue" law; if not, find out what weapons are legal to carry (remember that these will do no good without instruction from someone knowledgeable and periodic practice) and decide if they would be practical for you (after consulting with the above knowledgeable person).
The most desirable thing is to avoid conflict; this can best be done by ignoring any attempts to elicit a direct response, then, if neccesary, lead them to believe that the benefit to danger ratio of the conflict will be against them. One I like is to mutter (but loud enough to be heard) "Damn, another tough guy." Stand your ground; pretty soon he will find an excuse to leave. The MOST important is to leave there standing; do not have ANY compunctions about doing what you need to do to survive. Remember, in the end result, it is better to be tried by 12 than buried by 6.
Please take this from the heart.:hugs:
Donna

[Persephone]

I am so sorry for what happened to you, Violet. I can relate to how scary those things are when they happen. You feel violated and, as one poster described it, probably like you were being hit by ice water.

Your post is about your pain, something I can completely relate to, and not just a search for techniques and tactics to help in the future. That is very understandable. If you are still feeling that it is too painful to read such hints right now, then please stop reading my post here. And consider my post a hug from a friend.

If you want the technique comments, then continue to read down.

Cordgrass' post was, in my opinion, excellent.

Anyone, male or female, has to take precautions when out at night.

If you don't mind, here are a few I would think of.

Like so many others have posted, if at all possible avoid the situation by driving, or taking a taxi, or having friends walk you home. It is unwise for anyone to be out alone at that hour, particularly an attractive woman like yourself.

If you must walk and if you were wearing heels, change to flats, or, even better, running shoes, before you leave the club.

Carry a cellphone. If you don't have one on a monthly plan, look into getting one of the pay-as-you-use types and carry it in your hand, ready to call 911 as you walk.

A company called Kimber makes an excellent pepper blaster that is small and easy to carry [click here] (http://www.midwayusa.com/viewproduct/?productnumber=344219). It is small, light, and awesome, but if it is not legal where you live, carry a can of pepper spray or wasp spray. Wasp spray can be purchased in nearly any large grocery store, sends a stream of stinging spray about 25 feet and is not likely to cause permanent damage. Again, have it handy, not down in your purse.

If someone does start to annoy you, or if you feel you are being followed, do NOT head for your own home, rather, head to the local police station or even the 24 hour eatery. Call the police from there.

As others have said, it is possible that the guy is a known problem and your call may help some other person avoid a similar situation or may even help to solve a crime that he may have already committed.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Chickhe]

According to my wife, you get some jerks like that once in a while and the way to deal with it is to ignore them. Don't talk to them at all. I experienced this a couple times while out in broad daylight and I can see from your video, as it was to me, pretty scary to say the least. And it is quite the eye-opener to realize there are actually guys who behave like that (the minority I would like to think). You feel like a hunk a beef in front of wolves. I hope you get some good material from this experience. And, you present perfectly as a woman in your video. I wonder, if the audience sees too much of a woman that the jokes are not so funny... And from teaching a few classes in different busineses, I find if you feel the audience out for experience first, then you know how much to adlib or not. oh...and here's a funny thought, you could say wait here...go inside and change, come out and yell at the guy for following your woman!!! Its hard to remember it, but note the date and time and take the guys license number down in case he shows up agian.