How to come out?

[sara1985]

I've been dressing for a while now. My question is how do you come out to mostly your family? I'm very nervous about this even though I suspect they already know.

[Katesback]

I have said this before and will say it again. Do you plan on presenting to these people the girl? IF yes then it does make sense to come out to them. On the other hand if you have NO plans to present to them the girl then I see NO reason in telling them about this aspect of you.

Finally there is a FREAKING huge difference between telling someone your trans and ACTUALLY presenting to them the girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can easily point out the conutless people that do the telling and assume they have acceptance and then later present the girl and are crushed because there is not that assumed acceptance.

KAtie

[sara1985]

Thank you. I'm reaching the point where I can't deny Sara any longer. I want to be her whenever I'm not at work and I'm trying more and more to look like she is.

[Eryn]

Let's define "family." Are we talking about your spouse and others who live under the same roof with you, or are we talking about relatives that live elsewhere? This makes a huge difference.

[juno]

I am not sure that the way you tell someone makes a big difference, except that it is probably better to tell them in words rather than showing up dressed. The main thing is that you have to value honesty over acceptance. Not everyone will be accepting.

Some people worry that people will think CDing means they are gay, even though most of us are not. I wouldn't make it a big issue. For some people, the idea of a heterosexual male acting like a woman is far more confusing than just thinking you are gay. Personally, I would not mind if someone thinks I am gay, if that makes it easier for them at first.

[BRANDYJ]

It depends on their need to know and your need to come out to them. Yo ask how? Let me just say it in one word... CAREFULLY. I came out to a brother over 2 years ago. We have not spoken since. Foolish of me to trust his ability to accept it.
And as pointed out, what family members are we talking about? If in the immediate household, such as a wife, then yes, it would make it better if you can be accepted. If they don't live in your home, and will never see you dressed, then there is no need for them to know. it also depends on your plans. Are you planning on transition or planning to go 24/7, or are you a male that happens to crossdress from time to time? All this... and their ability to be non-judgmental and accepting needs to be taken into consideration. I failed to do that with only one person...my brother. I foolishly reached out to him at a low point in my life.

[Chari]

Good advice from previous posts, but YOU must be comfortable and confident in who you are and how you will be presenting yourself AFTER "coming out to your family"! Some will accept you with open arms & will always care about you the same as before, but others may turn their back on you and spred vicious stories of how they "knew you were always different". It is YOUR life & you should be allowed to live it the way you choose without harm to others.

[Zoe Preston]

I don't know if you have a partner or not but in any event I would reccomend that the read the sticky thread above "How to tell your partner". At the very least it will give you some insights. It helped me enormously.

I also agree with the earlier replies - only tell those who absolutely have to know. Try and anticipate the questions that you might be asked and prepare responses.

Finally, and it might seem obvious, what response are you hoping for - and what response do you realistically expect?

Good luck.

Zoe

[RADER]

I believe what they (Family) Do not know, Will not Hurt You.
Just be carefully What and who you tell. Rader

[Kitty Sue]

Great points. This is really pertinent to me at the moment. I was wondering if I should tell my parents, siblings, uncles, aunts etc. Wow, thanks guys. I really needed to read this thread. I was thinking that for some reason I should tell everybody. I think I was getting my own acceptance of who I am with everybody else having to accept who I am (if that makes sense?)

Great thread. Thanks for the OP and the comments that followed.

[Karren H]

Well there's tons of examples on this forum of how not to come out (aka don't dress up and jump out - surprise)... And imho, there are no good ways to come out only less worse ways... Like pulling a tooth... Its going to be painful... You just don't know how bad... I'd just get everyone together in a room and tell them all.. Quick to the point... Your going to have to deal with them all sometime so might was well do it now and let the healing begin.. Rather than dragging it out.

[loserjaxxy]

I was lucky. I came out of Facebook. I guess they knew already.

[Nick2Nikki]

This isn't really on topic, but I just have to make this comment. One of the more common topics of discussion on this forum is "Why doesn't society accept us?" the most commonly accepted answer is that we are not really out there where others can see that we're just normal people, like everyone else. But, then there are threads like this, where the common advice is "Don't tell anyone you don't have to." Wait, why is it that society doesn't accept us again!? (Pretend that's an interrobang.)

This certainly isn't a problem with just the transgendered community, but rather a problem with society at large. For instance, take voting. One person's vote does almost nothing to affect the outcome of an election, so the amount of reward for cost of voting (standing in line, etc.) is very great for the reward. So, logically, a person should just stay home and not vote at all. This type of thinking makes sense, but what if everyone thought that way? Then there would be very low voter turnout, and the person you didn't want getting into office suddenly becomes president.

In the same way the crossdressing community is practicing selfish thinking; sure it's best for you to stay hidden, but it's worse for the community as a whole. If everyone stays inside, then society will never accept us. On the other hand, if all of us were entirely truthful about ourselves, and made ourselves visible to society, we each might be individually persecuted, but in the long run the crossdressing community would become more visible, and finally more accepted. So, while it may be in your best interests to hide, what about the interests of other crossdressers, now and in the future? Sure you can say someone else will do it, but what if everyone else thought the way you did?

"Be the change that you want to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi


On a more related note, I didn't ever really hide my crossdressing, so I haven't really "come out" to many people. If someone asks if I crossdress, I say yes. If I see someone I know in public while I'm crossdressed, I don't avoid them. I don't make a big deal of it, because it isn't a big deal. Hopefully, when others see that I don't consider it a big deal, they'll understand that it really isn't a big deal.

[April]

Finally there is a FREAKING huge difference between telling someone your trans and ACTUALLY presenting to them the girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can easily point out the conutless people that do the telling and assume they have acceptance and then later present the girl and are crushed because there is not that assumed acceptance.

I totally agree with you.

[ReineD]

But, then there are threads like this, where the common advice is "Don't tell anyone you don't have to." Wait, why is it that society doesn't accept us again!? (Pretend that's an interrobang.)

Lol. Very good point. In fact, your entire post was most insightful. :hugs:

I'm assuming the OP wants to tell the people it will be necessary to tell, if she wants to be Sara on a regular basis?

Sara ... as Zoe suggests, please read "How to Tell Your Partner" in the Sticky section at the top of this forum. The advice applies to other Loved Ones too.

[GingerLeigh]

I only told my father so far. I just blurted it out during one of our private father/son conversations, and it felt so good to tell him. I told him I've got a secret to tell that I've been hiding since I was very little, and now it's become a bit problematic....

Why did I tell him? I have other issues that were stressing me out that revolved around crossdressing at that time and I needed someone to talk to that actually cared. I have no intentions on living as a woman or even dressing enfemme in front of anyone, particularly my family. I may yet tell my mother, and am working on my wife. There are things at play that are compelling me to reveal all.

Ginger

[michelesil]

I want to go out too but I'm too scared for people to recognize me. But i'm trying to get more confidence, talking to people like us and getting out in groups. I guess it would be easier this way.

[Billijo49504]

If you're drunk and open your mouth, you'll find your foot in it the next morning. I speak from experience. :eek:

[Comet]

Some people worry that people will think CDing means they are gay, even though most of us are not. I wouldn't make it a big issue. For some people, the idea of a heterosexual male acting like a woman is far more confusing than just thinking you are gay. Personally, I would not mind if someone thinks I am gay, if that makes it easier for them at first.
Cross-dressers are in conflict with the "traditional" definition of a man ... so there really isn't much understanding yet. The gay community used to have the same problem, but they've gained some visibility. I think it's only a matter of time before some light is shed on the more complex issues of gender and orientation.

[josee]

I love your attitude Nikki.

If people don't see us as just another segment of society not much different from their own then how can we break down the barriers that exist.
We should have a out and about day. Perhaps a gathering of sorts.

I know! we should just go out and behave as normal citizens like most of us are. Go out to dinner with a group of friends. Go to the museum, the beach, concerts, fishing, camping, the grocery store you know normal everyday stuff. It's all in your attitude.

No big deal is right!

[Jill Devine]

I came out by writing personal letters to various people. That allowed me to choose my wording properly. Then I popped the letters in the mail and waited. Got mostly positive comments. Know the biggest surprise? Many of them said they kind of knew already. LOL.

[Jessica_Dillon]

I came out by writing personal letters to various people. That allowed me to choose my wording properly. Then I popped the letters in the mail and waited. Got mostly positive comments. Know the biggest surprise? Many of them said they kind of knew already. LOL.

I've thought about the same thing. I'm wondering. How many people did you send letters to? My wife and some friends know, but I'm starting to feel like I'm lying to folks, sibling..etc. Anyway, for different people, I believe this is different. People either want to or don't want to tell others. It depends on the individual. I've not told people yet, but I always play the senario in my head and hope it will go one way. Truth is, it probably is NOT going to go the way I think it will...so be prepared to deal with tough questions, a lot of emotions and possible resentment.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara, Just remember one thing, (You can't unring a bell) once it's out there you can't take it back what do you have to gain or lose.

Orchid