Anyone else not want their SO to participate?

[Karren H]

It seems to me, over the years I've been here..... from most of the posts, that getting your wives or girl friends to accept and participate in their crossdressing is the ultimate goal? Right? The holy grail!! And I concur with the acceptance but personally, I really do not want my wife participating, at all! No way!! Yes, it would be wonderful if she accepted it but I don't want her help. After 35 years of marriage, I just want something that is my own, that is not a community project. Something that doesn't require her approval or comment on. Maybe it's just me but I get enough of "you are going to wear that?" in male mode. I love picking out my fashions and accessories and makeup and hair and it just seems to me that having someone else "help" would take all that away! Or greatly reduce the enjoyment I get.... Not to mention my wife does not have the best taste in women's clothing... lol (ps, don't tell her that..) Not saying I do but our styles are totally different...

And this isn't "sour grapes" either... "My wife won't accept or help me so I don't want her help!!!" Nope.... Not at all!! So, does anyone else feel this way or am I just odd?? Odder.... Oddish....

[Lexi X]

Can I candidly say I thought it was funny you said you didn't want her opinion on cloths and then said she doesn't have good taste. You're kind of doing to her what you don't want her to do to you. You could be right tho!

Personally, I think you're crazy but you still make a valid point. For me, I guess me and my wife just have a different relationship and we've only been married for 6 years so I might get where you are someday. Do you ever critique her style when she picks out clothes? Cuz if you do then its fair that she critiques your style.

[Annaliese]

Karren you have a way of putting thing that just make sense. Thank you for all your wisdom.

[Zoe Preston]

The thing is Karren that accepting and participating are two different things. My wife's acceptance consists of not beating me with a baseball bat whilst I'm sleeping :eek: She doesn't want to see me dressed or talk much about it, so participation is a long long way off :)

Others may want their SO to participate because they couldn't refuse the offer. Imagine, you tell your SO, she's accepting and offers to get involved. You say "Er, no thanks I'd rather keep this to just me!" Cue one p***ed off partner :D

Zoe

[Mary Jane]

I do wish my wife was accepting but I would not want her participating. As Karren said, this is a part of my life that is ALL mine. Having said that I must admit I am appreciative that my wife is at least tolerable of my dressing.

[xxprincess_tiffyxx]

I guess its really a to each their own thing. I love my SO participating, its like until the last little while where. I have become totally open with my SO. I had kept Tiffany all to myself and very much burried.
Now she's out open and loving it. I like just having friends as a girl and a lover too.
Personally I couldn't be happier. I get to feel kinda like one of the girls as well as a sexy partner to my sexy partner if that makes sense haha.
Tiffany is happy n I love it!

[docrobbysherry]

At present, I do NOT have an SO. But, dreamed of having one that participated in my dressing!:daydreaming:

On a CD dating site, I had a few offers from GGs to help, "Doll U all up and do your makeup!" Some even described the LOOKS they wanted for Sherry!

And, thinking about a stranger involved with my creation of/becoming Sherry, freaked me out!:eek:

I now realize that creating/becoming Sherry is VERY PERSONAL for me! :o
And, I'm not ready to share that with anyone. Even with someone I'm intimate with! ( I had that opportunity last year, and shied away!)

However, unlike u, I would LOVE help with dressing Sherry AFTER I've become her!:D

[LisaM]

I am completely with you on this, Karen. My wife knows, tries to understand and does not want to participate.

[ChristineM]

Zoe, shouldn't that be a cricket bat? The usual comment from my wife, when she rarely comments, is "you're still doing it, aren't you?" I can't even imagine at this point her participating or whether I'd want her too.

[Kelly Blaine]

Karren,
I to feel the same way. My life as Kelly is my life and I really don't want her to participate since she is not accepting at all.

[Denise69]

Having been there on both sides. I love having my SO involved. I believe it has created a more open and stronger bond between us. My first ex was neither accepting or participatory ( she didn't know), My second ex accepted but didn't want involvment after a while, and then didn't want to know about it at all. While it is a "me" time, I love having the ability to share it openly with me partner.

[Debra Russell]

My wife in the beginning has given me acceptence on a level of ,OK I just dont want to know but it has gradually moved to looking at my pics and buying my clothes - something I might have said looked really cute or something. Yestrday we went shopping, she offered to buy me boots but couldn't find any I liked. She bought a pair of purple slacks and a sweater "we both could wear" (I modeled them for her when we got home) but still she keeps "Debra at arms length" I said it would be more fun to go shopping if I were dressed, that way we could both try on clothes, she replyed I'am not there yet:sad: but does that mean there's hope:) But to the question, do I want her to participate? No not in general other then the shopping, I like that she accepts, a little participation might be nice but in general mabe a little uncomfortable. Going out with my granddaughter as Debra is a whole different matter - lots of fun :dance: So I think it's a matter of what level of acceptence the person is on that you are out with :2c:

[Karren H]

Can I candidly say I thought it was funny you said you didn't want her opinion on cloths and then said she doesn't have good taste. You're kind of doing to her what you don't want her to do to you. You could be right tho!

Personally, I think you're crazy but you still make a valid point. For me, I guess me and my wife just have a different relationship and we've only been married for 6 years so I might get where you are someday. Do you ever critique her style when she picks out clothes? Cuz if you do then its fair that she critiques your style.

Your not the first or will be the last to think I'm certifiable!! My wife and I do almost everything together and that has bound us together but even in a good relationship you need some personal time, to time apart.. I was listening to the news on the up coming Super Bowl and the stripper to visitor ratio of 1:30. And how everyone goes to the strip clubs.. which brought up a question in my mind.... Would you rather have a husband that loves getting lap dances at strip clubs or one that crossdresses and goes shopping when out on a business trip? Lol.

[Alice Torn]

I agree with Karren and Sherry. It freaks me out too, to think of anyone messing with my creation, even a pretty GG. Karren, another reason you don't want your wife helping, is, she may try to force you to wear JEANS!!!!!!!!!!

[TGMarla]

Count me in! Never mind that my wife is not approving of my crossdressing. If she were, I really don't know how I'd react. It's always been something deeply personal to me, and I've always pursued it on my own and by myself. I'm used to it being a solitary endeavor. Yes, I'd prefer her acceptance. Yes, I'm curious as to what it'd be like to have an accepting and even a participating wife. But I don't. And were she to one day ask to see me in all my feminine glory, I'm sure I'd be very nervous, and perhaps at this point even unwilling to go along with it.

[Heather Daniels]

I agree with you Karren. My time is my time. My wife has hobbies that I don't participate in, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want me to participate. When I dress, I enjoy the sheer relaxation it gives me. If she were involved, it may not be as relaxing anymore.
While I would like acceptance, I'm just not ready to spill all the beans to her yet. I also don't know if I would want her to see me all dolled up. Crossdressing is a very personal thing to me, and for now at least, I'm happy keeping it to myself. This is something that I have struggled with internally for almost 40 years. When "us older girls" were growing up, we had none of the resources that our younger "sisters" have today. We thought we were the only odd balls in the world doing this. We were so very alone in our thoughts and I think that has carried over into our adult lives. Maybe thats why I'm afraid to come out to my wife completely. I still feel as though this is something that I and I alone, need to address. I'm just not sure that I want anyone else involved with it. There is still a stigma involved with cd'ing, even if it's our own internal stigma. Some of us have gotten over it....others have not. I haven't.

[ChristineM]

Your not the first or will be the last to think I'm certifiable!! My wife and I do almost everything together and that has bound us together but even in a good relationship you need some personal time, to time apart.. I was listening to the news on the up coming Super Bowl and the stripper to visitor ratio of 1:30. And how everyone goes to the strip clubs.. which brought up a question in my mind.... Would you rather have a husband that loves getting lap dances at strip clubs or one that crossdresses and goes shopping when out on a business trip? Lol.

Ah, I tried a question like that once with my wife but can't remember what it was. Did you know that losing memory of events before a blow to the head is called retrograde amnesia?

(Just a little exaggeration. I got a dirty look was all.)

[Marissa]

Karren, even though I don't have an SO at this time, I totally understand and agree with your thoughts..that sometimes 'we' needs to be 'me' to keep some sanity about ourselves. You have chosen dressing as your place and put up an electric barbwire fence with a few flash grenades to give warning when your 'area' has been comprimised :) These are some things that can keep a relationship healthy and not give that feeling of being suffocated...

I had issues about 'my space' towards the end of my marriage..before saying 'I do', I went through the trouble of putting my military memorabelia up on the wall of 'my room' which is not an easy thing for me as I was always moving every few years so it wasn't uncommon for me to have bare walls, even in my office, so I could be in a state of always ready to move when ordered.

Once married, things seemed to change.."we have to move this to make room for that.." seemed to be the normal practice.. Well we got a new house but I had to work in another state for a couple of years. Each time I came 'home', I looked around and didn't see 'me'. So I made a comment about that. "Sure you are here..see a pic here and here of us"...ohhhh kkkk... She even converted what was to be my office space into a bedroom for her youngest so he could use the downstairs bathroom.."Well you are not here all the time"

So one day it finally hit me, this is not my home..there is no 'me' in the picture..so I knew to find me, I would have to end us. Now that is a simple picture but it was so true. There was no 'me' anymore..and sadly, the cost would be an end of a marriage to find me..

Now I have all the space (5/3/2 two-story home) to be 'me' since its only my oldest daughter and I..youngest just moved out..

sorry for the long story..but I wanted to show how I so agree about 'me space'

Karren: I had one question, is your wife accepting to your dressing? I know that even if she is, you still want your space..and its agreeable.

Hugs,
Marissa

[suchacutie]

Am I unique in that Tina is a creation of my marriage? Bringing my feminine side to light was a joint project from the beginning, akin to "OMG, there's a woman in there!"

What I'm saying is that maybe since we started together, I can't imagine Tina's activities separate from the bond between me and my wife; it's that bond that spawned Tina and all that has flowed from that beginning.

Is it just that those of you (almost all) who started this journey alone have more trouble bringing a spouse into it as a full partner?

?

tina

[Alice B]

I know the Holy Grail is not going to happen with my wife. I am very pleased with her level of acceptance and it has taken several years to get there. About the only thing more I would like is full acceptance when dressed at home so we could spend the evening together without any hiding. I think that will come.

[Avana]

What I don't get is: if all of you ladies consider your dressing to be super personal, why are we discussing this on a public message board?

[AllieSF]

Well, being a very late bloomer, divorced and looking, I would like to find a partner who would accept, not tolerate because that probably wouldn't work for me. I don't dress every day and do not feel the need to. But I do need to dress and to get out into the real world to interact with all those wonderful people out there. That is my personal driver at the moment. I would love for my partner to participate in that sometimes, but maybe not all the time. That remains to be seen and explored after I find that elusive and special partner. Since you, Karren, have a wife that knows and appears to only tolerate, I can totally understand your point of view and agree with it 100%.

[Heather Daniels]

What I don't get is: if all of you ladies consider your dressing to be super personal, why are we discussing this on a public message board?

Alana, I would rather this not be a public messgae board, but it is , and it's really the only outlet a lot of us have.

[Rhonda Jean]

Straddling the fence here, how about both? Having a girlfriend who totally accepts, encourages, and enjoys the whole thing is a new thing for me. I've found, though, that I still need some time when it's my own very personal thing. I think I've been in public alone for so long that it's become an integral part of the whole experience. It's rather hard to explain. Maybe it's that I'm not accustomed enough to her being with me that I just can't quite be myself. We have a long distance relationship, so for now it works.

The other side of the fence is, there is truly nothing like complete openness out of the public eye. Maybe couples who do their makeup togither, stay together! Seriously, of everything I do that is cd related, getting dressed together is the best! I feel more accepted, more complete, and more loved when we're sharing the mirror doing our hair and makeup, and when she sees me putting on a bra and panties as just a part of getting dressed. Just as freeing is being able to talk openly about about it without feeling you're betraying some masculine ideal. There's something pretty special about being able to ask something like, "Leggings or a skirt with this top?"

[WillowWriter]

If I every get a girlfriend, I'd like her to help me out with crossdressing and accept it. It'll make me so happy, and make it not a secretive, non-honest relationship. It'd kill me inside. That's my hope, but I can understand wanting something for yourself.

[DonnaT]

I like it when my wife participates.

Imagine the first time she buys you a girly present! It's a great feeling.

Even if you look at it from a hobby standpoint, as some have mentioned, we both have several hobbies. We ask each other's opinion on them. For example, I will go with her to the fabric store and help her pick colors for a quilt, or for knitting, etc. She knitted me a scarf from some yarn I found attractive, and wear in either mode.

When out shopping, she asks for my opinion, and offers hers. Even though our tastes are wide apart, we still share. Which makes us happy. Even if she still wishes I didn't CD.

[Karren H]

Karren: I had one question, is your wife accepting to your dressing? I know that even if she is, you still want your space..and its agreeable.

My wife isn't a big fan of my hobby...


What I don't get is: if all of you ladies consider your dressing to be super personal, why are we discussing this on a public message board?

Never said that my crossdressing was "super personal"... Just that I didn't want anyone else participating with me...

[RADER]

My wife sort of tolerates my dressing. She does not precipitate, but she does not Deni
my dressing. She even complements me on the dress etc. from time to time.
She has set some boundaries, like do not embarrass her by going out with a dress on.
I do under-dress a lot, even go out under-dresses waring fem Jeans,(sorry Karren)
but I enjoy going out with my bra on, just feels so good.
Do I want her and I to go out together in a dress; No that is not for me. I like what I have,
a Loving Wife that is considerate of some of my wants and desires, and I return the feeling
by be considerate of her desires. Rader

[minalost]

Years ago my wife agreed to let me "dress up" while she was home. The first time I was very nervious (scared out of my skull!). She was very critical of just about everything I did: didn't like my make up (she doesn't wear ANY and I was VERY new...), didn't like the way I moved (I'm sure that everything was seen as a horrible imitation of womanhood...)... This was beyond constuctive critisism or helpful hints, it was very negative and just no fun. The second time she "left the the house with out leaving" if you know what I mean. We were both in the house for hours and didn't say a word to each other. That was almost as miserable as being picked apart.

So when I started dressing again I asked her point blank if she cared if I dressed at home when she was around or if she would prefer that I not. Her responce was a firm maybe. So I asker her if it would be a repeat of the last time when she pretended that I didn't exsist for six solid hours. Her response was a second unambiguous "I don't know." So I don't dress in front of her.

Would I like her to be my "girl friend" in addition to my wife? Only if she could treat me as a "friend" while dressed; and not pick me appart or shut me out. I would love to have someone help me with my wardrobe and make-up, but we are just not there yet. Besides, like Karren, my wife and I have totally different tastes when it comes to clothing.

So right now dressing is a solitary thing - but not from choice.

[Tina B.]

Well I still have trouble with the word participation, My wife buys me girly stuff, and is fine with me dressing at home. But that is where it ends, I dress and do my own make up, she may comment on what I'm wearing, but that is as far as it goes. We then go on doing what ever it was we where doing, dressed either way. She accepts me for who I am, she allows me to express myself as I need to, and she recognizes my feminine side. We talk fashion, watch chick flicks together, but when I get dressed it is not a participation sport, I can do it all myself!
Tina B.

[xxprincess_tiffyxx]

To me having my SO know and accept and to be involved has improved my over all personality and behavior.
I find it a lot of fun to share this withe the woman I love. I find I can finally just be myself whatever it is.
I don't have to worry about getting caught or hide it. I don't like feeling dishonest and when I had to hide Tiff I felt like I was doing something wrong.
It made me angry and ashomed and I felt guilty. Now boy mode girl mode whatever, I just am who I am what I am, I like what I like and do what I do.
I don't have that fear anymore. Lol and for me when dressed as Tiffany, she is a little shy still but likes to be and feels happy,even bubbly and outgoing.
So its nice to have someone to be friends and more with for me anyway.
Its just ever so liberating for me. Cuz I love my GF and I love being Tiffany to, and with all that love. Mixed together I can't help but be overwhelmed with ahppieness and joy.
I'm just enjoying it so much. I can watch movies I want say I like things I like and enjoy songs I like.
Not everything has to be all about being overly manly to cover up something I feel should be hidden, because I no longer feel Tiffany needs to be hidden.
Each to their own, I do it for me personally and it makes me happy and feels great. But I love to share it as well. For me its just better.
I'm lucky my situation is a dream come true.
-Tiffany <3

[Chickhe]

When we first got married, my wife wanted to learn photography, but I was way more involved in that activity than she was so we never really clicked on that level. So while I'm composing the perfect shot, she's distracting me by asking how to turn the camera on. I say it is similar with CDing, she might enjoy me doing it from time to time, but I don't want her changing my creative flow...we're just not on the same page (two cooks in the kitchen)...I'm learning and she is the expert.

[BLUE ORCHID]

I often wonder if it ever went from tollerating / don't ask don't tell to accepting
that that would ruin the whole program and take all the fun out of it.

Orchid

[sarac]

I agree with Karen and I had said this once before and everyone kina jumped on me. I have been out with her and its not the same. I want to be myself and with her im not. Im quiet less talkative and not able to be who I am. I appreciate that shes been somewhat suppoprtive but in the same respect she goes out with her friends without me. I do need to say we have other problems with my dressing that may eventually separate us. I think a woman has the right to her own personal privacy on things and we should also.
Thanks Sara

[happy2cd]

Thanks for this and all of your other posts. I do not think that I want my wife to participate so much as be willing to even talk about the issue once in a while. I admire your get out there and screw what the world thinks attitude, I have often wondered how you and your wife dealt with things since you have made no bones about the fact that she does not support what you are doing.

Keep up the good work.

[laurajade]

Hi. New girl here. Hope you don't mind my interjecting.

My SO has known for over 2 years now and hasn't really been involved thus far; she understandably has some struggles with it. I will say that there are times we'll be out at a thrift shop and she will hold up a top and say "what do you think?" I'll say, "try it on and see what you think", to which she replies very quietly, "not for me...ahem". The first time she did that, I was so thankful to her for thinking of that for me, even with her continuing struggle to understand my dressing.

However, right now, I think that I want my CD'ing to be primarily mine and mine alone, something that I enjoy by myself or with similarly minded friends. The only problem there is my SO does call frequently during my GNO's wondering when I will be coming home, genuinely missing me. Kind of makes me feel like she isn't giving me the space she had previously allowed me to have.

If she wanted to participate more, I am not sure we'd have much in common, quite frankly. She's not much of a fancy dresser at all. Never wear heels due to weak ankles, hardly ever wears a dress, almost never wears makeup. I guess we'd just have to feel things out if she wanted to be more involved.

[sissystephanie]

My late wife did know and participate in my crossdressing activities. I told her before we married. She was very excellent with makeup (sold it!) and also with wigs. So she did those things for me and I chose most of her clothing as well as my own. She always thought that I had better taste in feminine clothing than she did. I think we made a great team, and she always knew that I was her man regardless of what I was wearing! I wish I still had her!!

Karren, you may not be crazy but you are definitely a little on the "odd" side!! But maybe all CD's are!! LOL

[Michelle James]

Karren after reading your post I'm beginning to see where you dislike of womens jeans may stem from. Your SO wears them. Am I right?/ LOL

[Karren H]

Thanks for this and all of your other posts. I do not think that I want my wife to participate so much as be willing to even talk about the issue once in a while. I admire your get out there and screw what the world thinks attitude, I have often wondered how you and your wife dealt with things since you have made no bones about the fact that she does not support what you are doing.

Keep up the good work.

Well we deal with it by not talking about it... Her wishes, not mine... She is getting better at not running out of the room when someone crossdresses on TV so that's a small advance... She still doesn't like it when I look too girly which sometimes I can't help. Lol. And she loves me.. My god she just bought me a dozen Black and Gold eat-n-park Steelers Smiley cookies!! If that isn't love I don't know what is... Specially since she's for the Packers! Lol

[ReineD]

Would you rather have a husband that loves getting lap dances at strip clubs or one that crossdresses and goes shopping when out on a business trip? Lol.

Neither. I'd much rather have a partner who welcomes me in her femme life, since this is a significant part of who he/she is. And she does, thankfully.

But the women stripper bit? Lol. My SO enjoys looking at other women a lot more than my ex. Go figure. :p

... I also would like it if she could get excited about the Super Bowl and watch it with me. It should be a great game! :) Maybe I'll have to find a bar to go watch it all on my own. My TV's on the brink and it IS a lot more fun watching the game with others who are into it. :)

[carhill2mn]

Am I unique in that Tina is a creation of my marriage? Bringing my feminine side to light was a joint project from the beginning, akin to "OMG, there's a woman in there!"

What I'm saying is that maybe since we started together, I can't imagine Tina's activities separate from the bond between me and my wife; it's that bond that spawned Tina and all that has flowed from that beginning.

Is it just that those of you (almost all) who started this journey alone have more trouble bringing a spouse into it as a full partner?

?

tina

Are you unique? Oh, my yes! I have read a few other stories where the SO sort of instigated the CDing and some where the SO realized that the CD was struggling and the SO was willing to help.
But, these situations are certainly a minority.

A great many of us started this "journey" before puberty. There was no one to help. So we struggled on our own and usually in secrecy. Marriage created a whole new scenario! Now what do we do?

A great many CDs come to the conclusion that they have to keep their "Secret". Others decide at some time to share their secret with their SO. As we all know, there are many
different endings, not all of them happy. A few SOs are able to accept and participate. Many more are able to "accept" but want no involvement. Then there are a fairly large number who
say "no way"! Then very serious decisions must be made. Sadly, many marriages cannot survive this situation.

[Avana]

Never said that my crossdressing was "super personal"... Just that I didn't want anyone else participating with me...

Sorry, my post was not in response to you, but rather the others who did say that their dressing was super personal.

As someone who cross-dresses or some variant of that openly in my day to day life, in one of the busiest cities in the world, and especially does so in front of her SO, I just can't relate. And from my time in the closet in previous relationships with unapproving SOs, I completely understand not wanting others to know, but I just don't get the 'i want to do this all alone even if my wife knows' attitude, because my SO and I are very open with each other about everything and it seems to work pretty well. I think it's great for two people in a relationship to be strong and independent people with their own hobbies and things, but opening up and sharing those passions is equally important IMO.

So if it comes down to ultimately, 'i feel awkward because i know she doesn't like it and i feel judged', than I understand that, but if it's just a selfish desire to keep it secret, especially if it's at all sexual in nature, that to me (and I imagine many GGs) is almost like having an affair.

:shrug:

[Amanda22]

No, I do want my wife to participate. She's taught me so much, especially about make-up.

[Angiemead12]

I love having my partner participate and I always dreamed of having a partner who is supportive. I wouldnt want it any other way. But she doenst dictate the things I wear or buy only suggests and helps out. She always lets me experiment with what I want to do and I love her for it. But I can say that my style is greatly influenced by hers and vice versa. Over the years she has started wearing some of my things even though she told me in the beginning that its not her style. And the biggest compliment I get is when she asks me to put on her false lashes or to do a final check on her wardrobe or make up!

Karen, you have a strong personality already thats why you dont need her participation, for me I dint have any confidence before her so it accelerated my growth ten fold to have her participate.

[ReineD]

So if it comes down to ultimately, 'i feel awkward because i know she doesn't like it and i feel judged', than I understand that, but if it's just a selfish desire to keep it secret, especially if it's at all sexual in nature, that to me (and I imagine many GGs) is almost like having an affair.


Alana, I agree! I can't think of any accepting GGs who would be happy if their SO's preferred keeping them out of it. :)

But, if the GG would just as soon not be involved, then Karren's attitude is a healthy one to adopt.

[loserjaxxy]

I get what your saying. I've made the mistake of telling my wife she has no taste in clothing. :)

[Karren H]

I love having my partner participate and I always dreamed of having a partner who is supportive. I wouldnt want it any other way. But she doenst dictate the things I wear or buy only suggests and helps out. She always lets me experiment with what I want to do and I love her for it. But I can say that my style is greatly influenced by hers and vice versa. Over the years she has started wearing some of my things even though she told me in the beginning that its not her style. And the biggest compliment I get is when she asks me to put on her false lashes or to do a final check on her wardrobe or make up!

Karen, you have a strong personality already thats why you dont need her participation, for me I dint have any confidence before her so it accelerated my growth ten fold to have her participate.


No, I do want my wife to participate. She's taught me so much, especially about make-up.

I can see that it all depends on how you got to where you are and when you came out to your SO.. Coming out to her and having a large gap in say makeup knowledge can lead one into a participating relationship where your SO is teaching you what you need... But if you have first developed that knowledge (style and makeup and hair) and you have been out enfemme then its really hard to have someone come in and try to change what you want to do to what "we" or she wants you to do... More likely have developed a sense of your fem self that you really don't want changed let along critiqued..

Kind of like the difference between a privatly held company and a public one... Having to dress up and get voted on by the board of diretors doesn't sound like fun to me! Lol.

[BRANDYJ]

Count me in as one who fully wants and enjoys my SO's participation. She is my partner, my love and my best half. So I can't understand why I'd ever want her to not be a part of what is a part of who I am. She enjoys me in fem mode at times and those are the special times for me.
But she would never want to go fishing or play golf with me, and that's fine. She's just not into those things. But if she was, I'd always want her with me.

[t-girlxsophie]

"You can't its all mine" doesn't sound like a 2 yo at all does It? Hmmmm,only kidding,I know "me" time is Important to some,But I absolutely LOOOOOVE my wife's participation,only tonight we snuggled up on the sofa,and she started playing with my hair (dont worry were not going THERE lol)20 minutes later she had totally cut and styled my wig,felt great to share this time together,so for me its a massive :thumbsup: to the acceptance and participation of my good lady.

Screaming and bawling,during 90 minutes of a football game is probably my "me" time LOL

:hugs:Sophie

[bethw]

I agree completely Karen. It's what I do and she doesn't need tto participate.
Hugs
Beth

[ReineD]

Kind of like the difference between a privatly held company and a public one... Having to dress up and get voted on by the board of diretors doesn't sound like fun to me! Lol.

No, that wouldn't be fun.

I can understand a GG giving pointers to a husband who asks because he's just starting out, but we also see other GGs all the time who have different dressing styles than we do, and, you know, we don't walk around giving girlfriends our opinions on everything they wear. lol.

Maybe there are some wives who like to dictate what their husbands wear even in guy mode, though. I suppose if he only wants to wear torn jeans and faded Tshirts when they go out, she has an interest in suggesting something a little more appropriate, but if the husband has a reasonable fashion sense, why would a wife want to be so nit-picky?

From what I see in the Gallery, the CDers who have been dressing, putting on makeup, and going out for years don't need advice from anyone. They've developed a good sense of personal style just like any other GG (it's not rocket science :)), so why would their (accepting) SOs object to what they wear in femme mode?

I don't object to the clothes my SO wears. In fact, I admire her style. :)

[Amanda22]

actually, my wife and I give each other advice, feedback, and have an unbelievably good time together. Crossdressing is yet another aspect of our relationship that we can share. She has her style and I have mine. I think it comes down to how much respect exists between two people in a relationship. This isn't really about crossdressing, in my opinion. Who would want the participation of another in any activity if that person wasn't respectful and tried to tell you what to do?

[MsJanessa]

My observation is that the best marraiges are those where each partner gives the other some breathing room--not those where they have to be together 24/7

[Sometimes Steffi]

The thing is Karren that accepting and participating are two different things. My wife's acceptance consists of not beating me with a baseball bat whilst I'm sleeping :eek: She doesn't want to see me dressed or talk much about it, so participation is a long long way off :)


Zoe

I would say that your wife tolerates rather than accepts, but I'm not sure that my wife has even gotten that far.

Steffi

[OccasionalSkirt]

My wife and I have different ideas of fashion, and I prefer not dressing around her. It also helps me keep my Jen-time from interfering with wife-time.

[Eryn]

...another reason you don't want your wife helping, is, she may try to force you to wear JEANS!!!!!!!!!!

I beg to differ. Last Saturday my wife waited patiently and critiqued 10 different pairs in the quest for perfect femme jeans. I found them too! I love my wife! :)

[NathalieX66]

Hi Karren,
I've been to quite a few Tri-Ess support group meetings, and seeing wives participate, let alone support is a rare breed. What's in it for them, really? We have a few members where their wives come along , and we all go out to the local diner for a dinner. A few are very encouraging, but still rare. They're the most coolest and loving wives ever. I wish I could meet a girl that cool.
but in reality, I am someone who has socialized with quite a few CD'ers & TG in the past year or so, and I hear a lot of "my wife this, my kids that, my girlfriend this, etc....." , and all going through the battles of acceptance from a spouse. I personally think these battles can be overcome. Moderation and regulation is a start.
All I can say is that you, or anyone needs to convince that being a crossdresser is not a dominating aspect of your life, but it is a part of you.
Karren, you sound like a very loving & giving father. Why shouldn't you have a piece of yourself at least once a month? I wouldn't expect parcitipation for your wife, but maybe some space for CD'ing would be adequate enough.

[Christy_M]

I want my wife to be "OK" with me...all of me. If she can do this from afar, great. If she needs to participate, I would figure out how to let her. If it was all criticism then she wouldn't be OK with me. I would be embarrassed trying to fiddle around with myself, as I was with my first wife but I think if we talked through it and set boundaries it would be OK. I do agree that it can't be all consuming. We all need our space. Whether it is dressing or bowling we can enjoy it together or separately.

[Stephanie47]

My wife does not approve of my cross-dressing. Right now it's DADT, which is OK just as long as I get my daily private time. I would not throw my cross-dressing in her face, but, it would be nice to not be so closeted. Since she still works, I have assumed many of the household chores. So, during the day I may be wearing a nice dress doing the chores, About a half hour before she gets off work, I have to get back into the male mode. Once in awhile it sure would be nice to cook the evening meal in a nice dress and experience a little 'grab ass.' In the summer it would be nice to serve her refreshments in the backyard while wearing a sun dress.

As long as she has such a negative view of cross-dressing, I'll keep it to myself in the privacy of my home.

[donnalee]

I get what your saying. I've made the mistake of telling my wife she has no taste in clothing. :)And yet you're still breathing? I could never be THAT brave!:eek:

If any relationship is to last, there must be some territory that is exclusive to each partner. The other may or may not be appreciative of the result, but is not to be involved in the process of creating it. This can be dressing or any other thing. I think this is essential; togetherness is great, but if it's all the time, it can lead to disaster.

[Tasha McIntyre]

I don't think my wife will ever progress to participation as it's a struggle to even gain acceptance. I'd be deleriously happy if I could just dress around the house once in a while when it's just the two of us, and not get "the look" and a demand to put boy clothes on.

[Teri Ray]

I am in the wife knows but chooses not to participate camp. Having my wife know, and to the extenet that she is willing to accept this passion I have (but have not real understadning of why I love to dress) I fell very lucky that she still loves me. Although my wife chooses not to participate or see me dressed she does do little things that I believe are an effort to understand me. For example she always tells me when she will be alway for an extended time or lets me know that her time away wil be short. A little gesture I know but I believe it is intended to help me better understand when I might get to dress. When she is away for an extended time (as in days or weeks) she lets me know when the kids may be coming. Plus her knowing I dress when she is away is a huge mental relief factor from not having to worry that I left lip stick on the counter or lost a false nail.

For me dressing is like hunting my wife knows I do both but chooses to leave me to those passions without getting involved other that acknowledgment ( and helping me put my things away )

[Karren H]

Karren, you sound like a very loving & giving father. Why shouldn't you have a piece of yourself at least once a month? I wouldn't expect parcitipation for your wife, but maybe some space for CD'ing would be adequate enough.

That would be awesome but my priorities are Family first... My needs are last... I lost any claims to having "fem" right when I didn't tell her before we got married... Wasn't part of the contract... And too late to make amendments... And I'm totally ok with that..

[TGMarla]

That would be awesome but my priorities are Family first... My needs are last... I lost any claims to having "fem" right when I didn't tell her before we got married... Wasn't part of the contract... And too late to make amendments... And I'm totally ok with that..
That's my situation exactly, including how I feel about it. She didn't bargain for this, and I didn't disclose. So I put her first.


What I don't get is: if all of you ladies consider your dressing to be super personal, why are we discussing this on a public message board? This board may be public, but it still provides a good amount of anonymity. Just because I like posting here and interacting with like minded people doesn't mean I run around in my front yard all dressed up proclaiming my feminine qualities to the rest of the world. No offense, Alana, but that was a real gratuitous statement, and you know darn well why we post here, personal activity or not.

Sheesh!

[Avana]

This board may be public, but it still provides a good amount of anonymity. Just because I like posting here and interacting with like minded people doesn't mean I run around in my front yard all dressed up proclaiming my feminine qualities to the rest of the world. No offense, Alana, but that was a real gratuitous statement, and you know darn well why we post here, personal activity or not.

Well maybe the statement was trolling a bit but the point is this:

I find it rather disingenuous to hide or keep this type of activity from a SO while at the same time flaunting it to anonymous randoms. If the SO is opposed to it then obviously it's understandable, but if it just comes down to a desire to keep it 'personal', and yet people are living secret lives with secret facebook accounts with secret friends and secret compliments, connecting through public sites like this, I think one needs to seriously examine his or her relationship with the SO.

[xxprincess_tiffyxx]

Well maybe the statement was trolling a bit but the point is this:

I find it rather disingenuous to hide or keep this type of activity from a SO while at the same time flaunting it to anonymous randoms. If the SO is opposed to it then obviously it's understandable, but if it just comes down to a desire to keep it 'personal', and yet people are living secret lives with secret facebook accounts with secret friends and secret compliments, connecting through public sites like this, I think one needs to seriously examine his or her relationship with the SO.


I have to say, Alana I agree with you completely. Understandably for some of us it can be pretty much impossible to admit this desire to anyone even their SO.
To add to what u have stated, I feel those living double lives and keeping everything from their SO.
It to me is basically cheating. I mean obviously if your are not sleeping with or kissing its not quite the same.
However the lieing, the sneaking all are there. Its not fair to the SO involved.
I say give it a shot, tell ur SO, see how they feel, test the love see if its really meant to be or not.
The SO's involved deserve to know, they deserve the truth and the opportunity to decide iff the life in question with all the surrounding circumstances is a life they want to
Live and a relationship they want to be a part of. Just my opinion. Could be better than dragging out a relationship of lies and sneaking.
Both you and your SO could feel better, or it could end it. To me if its truely love then things can work.

[Karren H]

Ohhh please..... The truth will set you free... Free of you life, your love, your family, your job and probably all your money... You with accepting SO's seem pretty clueless with your "go ahead and try it" statements.. And god I love to say disingenuous 20 times.... But living with an unaccepting wife and a family you would die for and you not that you can never quit crossressing... Wtf other choices are there.... "Give it a shot"... Like your buying a lottery ticket or something. That's pricless.... Hahaha.

[Amanda22]

alana_v and black007, bravo for what you posted! I agree 100%.

[Avana]

Ohhh please..... The truth will set you free... Free of you life, your love, your family, your job and probably all your money... You with accepting SO's seem pretty clueless with your "go ahead and try it" statements.. And god I love to say disingenuous 20 times.... But living with an unaccepting wife and a family you would die for and you not that you can never quit crossressing... Wtf other choices are there.... "Give it a shot"... Like your buying a lottery ticket or something. That's pricless.... Hahaha.


As I said in my post, if the SO is not understanding, then obviously it's not a good idea.

My post was directed at those who don't care whether their SO is understanding or not, but simply want 'girl time' to be a personal, secret hobby.

[OccasionalSkirt]

I am in the wife knows but chooses not to participate camp. Having my wife know, and to the extenet that she is willing to accept this passion I have (but have not real understadning of why I love to dress) I fell very lucky that she still loves me. Although my wife chooses not to participate or see me dressed she does do little things that I believe are an effort to understand me. For example she always tells me when she will be alway for an extended time or lets me know that her time away wil be short. A little gesture I know but I believe it is intended to help me better understand when I might get to dress. When she is away for an extended time (as in days or weeks) she lets me know when the kids may be coming. Plus her knowing I dress when she is away is a huge mental relief factor from not having to worry that I left lip stick on the counter or lost a false nail.

For me dressing is like hunting my wife knows I do both but chooses to leave me to those passions without getting involved other that acknowledgment ( and helping me put my things away )

I agree (and have the same hobbies!)! I'm happy my wife knows so she doesn't interfere, but we keep our own hobbies. It's part of not losing yourself in another person.

[NicoleScott]

My wife knows and doesn't mind seeing me dressed. She has bought things for me (in the past, that is. She now knows that I much prefer to pick things out for myself). She has snapped a few photos for me. But she really doesn't like to participate, but allows me to do my thing both at home or away from home. I used to think it would be cool if she would participate, like going out with me or bedroom activities while I'm en femme, but she doesn't want that and I don't push. In fact, now I really prefer to do my dressup activities in private. I don't feel that I missing something (her participation) and falling short of total satisfaction. I'm very happy with leaving her out of it, and so is she.

[June Laine]

I wasl ucky enough to come clean before being married and she has set boundries that I respect. She has moved from tollerance to passive support by buying things and making comments on outfits and Ihave become comfortable dresing around her in the 20 years of marrage but I with her knowlege mostly dress while on travel. I know I have it better than most and consider myself lucky:)

[docrobbysherry]

What I don't get is: if all of you ladies consider your dressing to be super personal, why are we discussing this on a public message board?

Maybe I can answer that, Alana. Since I post pictures of Sherry naked, and/or semi naked on line. (Not allowed to here, tho!)
What I show r pics of Sherry AFTER her look is COMPLETED!

That's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT in my mind, to posting pics of her DURING the process of her CREATION! And, THAT'S what's VERY PERSONAL about dressing for me!

[Heather Daniels]

Ohhh please..... The truth will set you free... Free of you life, your love, your family, your job and probably all your money... You with accepting SO's seem pretty clueless with your "go ahead and try it" statements.. And god I love to say disingenuous 20 times.... But living with an unaccepting wife and a family you would die for and you not that you can never quit crossressing... Wtf other choices are there.... "Give it a shot"... Like your buying a lottery ticket or something. That's pricless.... Hahaha.

Amen Karren.
You know folks, this debate comes up often here and I really don't think there's a "one size fits all" solution to it. We are all individuals with different circumstances to deal with. We all have to try and deal with this issue in a manner that we think is best for ourselves, and our family's. By outing oneself, you could face acceptance, or a life catastrophy. There's really no way to know in advance. Talk about playing a game of Russian roulette !! I think if we ( us older people ) had known then, what we know now, we would all have confessed to this hobby before saying " I Do".......but alas...we didnt know. We didnt know that marriage would not end this desire of ours. We didn't know that the urges would get stronger as we got older. Hell....we didn't know that so many others like us, even existed then. I honestly think that the younger members here have a huge benefit over us older ones, simply because of the resources available now, and the small strides in acceptance today. We could all argue this point till the moon turns blue, but nothing is going to change. The decision to tell or not tell, is a very personal and individual one. We all have to figure out which is best for ourselves, and our family.

[Jennifer4cd]

I would like my wife to accept my crossdressing. She definitely hates it and does not want me to do anything. "If something happens to you while you are doing that stuff, I will not call anybody. You can fantasize and be on the computer all you want, just don't do it." I do like to put on Loreal Lipstick when she is not aroundvand sometimes when she is. It comes off easily if there is an emergency.

[AKAMichelle]

My wife accepts and goes out with me just about anywhere, but I have been thinking about the fact that it is very different when I can go out without her.

[ReineD]

My wife accepts and goes out with me just about anywhere, but I have been thinking about the fact that it is very different when I can go out without her.

Michelle, would you mind explaining what the difference is? Is it better for you if she is not there and if so, why?

Thanks for your response. :hugs:

[Diane Delaney]

cool cool cool cool cool