Not Telling Your SO Is Worse Than...

[happy2cd]

Folks I am willing to share some unscientific research on this subject that I never intend to undertake.

DISCLAIMER 1: Please do not try this at home.

DISCLAIMER 2: Please tell your SO as soon as possible in a relationship-I did not-so perhaps my experience can help you see the merits of telling early.

Do not deceive yourself that your feelings/desires/needs with regards to CDing will not change over time. As was said on the thread about Pythos leaving the forum-If you aren't changing you are dying (Or something to that effect.). For me things changed about the time kids came on the scene and something that was done once in a blue moon became something I wanted to do a lot, and on a different scale. I didn't see it coming, and I thought I had everything under control for over 30 years.

Again, do not believe you will not change and that you will be able to control and hide it. I for one will bet against everybody who says they can and will expect to get rich fairly quickly.

In answer to the often asked questions of where does not telling your SO about CDing rate on a scale of bad things. In no particular order, a relationship can survive;

Looking at heterosexual online porn.
Loss of jobs- Multiple- not due to anything but downsizing and economy.
Trouble with the IRS.
Financial Trouble.
Bankruptcy.
Eviction.
Homelessness-Multiple-due to fincial issue not related to drugs or other addictions.
A child with a mental illness.
Other illnessness of all types.

Apparently a strong relationship can survive all of the above, but cannot survive non-disclosure of CDing early in a relationship.

Please accept that I have done the hard work for you and would not advise trying this for yourself. Heed the warnings of the GGs here because they are the miror of your SO later on down the road if you do not tell.

The data used in these findings was collected over a 20 year period so again please accept that I have done something you do not want to repeat and learn from my experience.

Good Luck with the disclosure.

[RADER]

You are so correct in what you say;
My wife knew before we were Married., and was OK with it with a few limitations
witch I can deal with.
It is so much easer to know I can dress when I want to and not "Lose The Farm"
over it. Rader

[suzy1]

I take it you are speaking from bitter experience. Now I should not be posting here as I have never had this problem.
But having said that, there is nothing like speaking from experience. It sounds like good advice to me.

SUZY

[Amanda22]

The part that gets lost is the acceptance of SELF. How can you tell your SO about yourself until you're fully comfortable with saying exactly who and what you are? At that point you should have enough sense of self that you WANT to share this. If that's before marriage, great, but if it isn't until 50 years in, then it was your time.

I'm not saying to hide, cheat and squirrel away. I am saying to grasp, embrace and dig to discover who you are so you CAN be there for your SO and the questions and concerns they WILL have. Be prepared that they might leave, it's their right. Ultimately it's not about them, it's about dealing with who you are and gaining a level of self acceptance so you can be there for whomever your partner is or will be.

In my opinion, this is a critically important observation. The "telling the SO" topic is so common, and often the advice is to go ahead and tell ASAP. But unless we have an acceptance and understanding of ourselves, that probably is a bad approach. We can't expect acceptance if we don't accept ourselves. In a perfect world, we'd all possess self-acceptance before committing to marriage, but that isn't always possible. In my case, I thought being in love and getting married would make my CDing go away. Of course, that was foolish. It wasn't until two years into my marriage that I gained self-acceptance and was therefore able to have "the conversation" with my SO. My life absolutely blossomed into the kind of life I only previously dreamed of after that day.

[AlanaBCD]

As I recently told my SO, and we are in the midst of dealing with it, here is my take...

I so wanted to tell her before we got married, but I ,like many others, thought that the desire would go away. I purged before we got married. We did not live together before we got married and both of us were virgins (we were happy about that). Well, six months to a year into our marriage the desire showed up. What was I to do. I bought a few things and only dressed at home. I had facial hair so that kept me from going out. I tried to hint many times to her. I told her things like I would wear high heels if I could. She laughed, not thinking anything of it.

I went out several times (the facial hair was gone now). I had actually got to a point where I was able to dress no more than maybe twice a year. The desire was almost not there. Then one night, (I don't know what I was thinking), I told her. I almost blurted it out.

She was shocked. She has not known what to do with it. She loves me, and I don't think she is going to leave me. She has told me that her intent is to stay with me and work it out. I don't know what working it out completely means, but it makes me love her all the more that she is so willing to put herself through the "dealing with it". It is all a total work in progress. As I said, I don't know what will come of it all.

Back to the point I was trying to make. I couldn't tell her before we got married, because I thought I would no longer dress after we got married. I hinted many times to her hoping she would get the message. Finally I had to tell her. I love her so much and I don't want secrets between us. I feel so bad that I have put her through this. I didn't want to cause her any pain. I asked her if she could go back in time, would she have wanted me to tell her and she said "no".

I think everyone has to deal with this telling the SO in the best way they can, when they are ready. Maybe never is an option. There are some that have taken this secret to their grave, and maybe that was a good thing.

[happy2cd]

Kitty,

There are more resources today than there were 20 years ago to help "grasp, embrace and dig to discover who you are so you CAN be there for your SO and the questions and concerns they will have." Yes we are all individuals and it is hard to know how you are going to feel about things in a few years/decades. What I have learned is that I was sitting a card table looking at the cards that were being dealt to me, but never told my SO that I was in the game. By waiting to see what the last card dealt to have full understanding of yourself, you will be doing yourself and your SO a disservice by not disclosing that you are even wondering if you know yourself fully.

Apparently you are already fully dressing at hotels and taking pictures of yourself and posting them on this site. You are way further along the journey than I was when I got into the relationship or got married or had my first kid. If you do not know that dressing is important to you I will tell you that it is. I will also bet that things will progress further, so why not state that you know where you are now, but that you do not know for certain where the road is going? You bet your SO might run for the hills, but as Amanda points out you will have done something to clear the air and helped yourself along your journey without dragging somebody, unwittingly, along in your wake. Your SO is on a journey too and they might want to know where you/me/we are dragging them.

I have learned these lessons the hard way as I have said. It is always easier to believe that we are different and that we know better.

I wish you all the luck in the world with that strategy.

[Cynthia Anne]

Amen to that! You are so right! Where were you when I needed that imfo about 40 years ago!!

[Joanne f]

There are a few things that worry me about that , first of all you are saying tell, yet if you have been in a relationship for a long time by telling your relationship will end so you are basically saying if you are at the start of a relationship tell and things well be OK but if you are in a long term relationship it will fail so it is best not to tell .
It is OK to give advice or an opinion but not to say what should be done as every body's circumstances are different and everybody reacts differently to things .

[Karren H]

35 years ago crossdressing was considered more perverted than it is today... At really at 24 I didn't realize what crossdressing really was and what impact it would have on my like 30+ years later... Waiting for the right time that was never going to happen, weighing the impact of lying (aka not telling) vs the ever shrinking adverse view of crossdressing didn't make for a balancing of two equations and if it did they would cross somewhere after I have long past from this life... I had never planned on telling and wouldn't have if I hadn't gotten sloppy. If that makes me a bad evil liar then so be it... I don't make excuses or apologize for my actions and I don't feel anyone here has the right to judge me and what I've done... Times have changed and if I were to get married tommorow I wouldn't have an issue telling..

[Zoe Preston]

I agree with Happy2cd that full disclosure asap is the way to go if you are certain you are a CD that isn't going to stop.

However, my problem is "At what point does it become necessary to tell?"

That may seem a strange question so let me explain. In my late teens I found I got turned on by wearing pantyhose (tights to us on this side of the pond). I wore a pair under the bedclothes and did what teenage boys do :eek: I tried on one of my mother's dresses a couple of times and that was it. After a while I stopped.

Four years later I met my wife and married a year later. Was there anything to disclose? I didn't think so.

Maybe three or four years into the marriage I got the urge to wear tights occasionally again. Anything to disclose? I didn't think so. I knew it was a bit kinky but I didn't consider myself a crossdresser.

Maybe later when I tried a skirt on. But what's the harm I thought. You see I couldn't confess to being a crossdresser because they're those guys that want to be women - and that wasn't me. That was my perception of a crossdresser.

Of course it progressed. A couple of years later I'd bought a cheap wig. Even I appreciated by then that if you're hiding wigs or clothes then there is an issue.

But information was non-existent at that time and if I didn't understand the issue then how could I explain it?

So it was another couple of years before I confessed all. Maybe nine years into the marriage. Seems to break the rules of telling but that's honestly when I first felt that I knew who and what I am and also able to talk to my wife about it. (Very clumsily but that's another story!).

So I'm not convinced that there is a hard and fast rule about when to tell because you've first got to stop deceiving yourself before you stop deceiving your partner.

Zoe

[happy2cd]

I was like Zoe in that I did not think that I was a CDer and while it was fairly clear by the time my wife found out. I am saying that it is bad to wait and it is probably worse for the SO to find out by our being sloppy which is how Karen and I and others are discovered than for us to make that information known. It takes more courage than I had, but unfortunately hind sight only comes after the fact.

I do not know if I will one day I will want to transition, I don't think I ever would, but I also didn't know that what was once whacking material would progress to wanting to dress en femme. I am merely offering up some advice now that my chair is reversed and my hindsight is 20-20.

[Stitch]

To be fair, I think if you lied or deceived your wife about a certain few of the examples listed it would be as bad. Marriages don't survive without trust for long. So I'm sure if you lied/hide being involved in fraud, being in debt, gambling troubles, past convictions, porn addictions it would be treated as bad. The key word here is lying. If presented early on, people can look past a multitude of things.

I think you'll find that most GGs/SOs have more issues with the lies than the activities themselves. We're not out to say CDing is the worst thing that could happen, because frankly it ain't.

[AlanaBCD]

The thing that I have tried to express to my wife is that before we got married, I thought it would go away, and after I tried to tell her. Okay, I hinted, but I was feeling out where she was to see if she was ready for me to tell her. What made me think she was ready, I don't know. She really wasn't ready. As I stated in my earlier post, she would have rather me not told her. I don't know how to deal with that. It makes me feel so bad that I have put something before her that causes so much pain. I probably picked a horrible time to tell her as well. It was on our anniversary. She will probably now associate our anniversary with a horrible time. I was drinking too much and I didn't plan to tell her. If I could turn back time...

I guess I will say, and I am sure some would disagree, maybe you should never tell her. There are however some that tell and get full support (don't we all wish we could have that?).

[Kerigirl2009]

I don't look at it as I decieved my wife, because I had no intention of decieving her. I was of the mind that I could beat this and even take it to my grave. Over the years, I realized this was a part of me and I cannot make it go away. When I realized it I felt I had to tell my wife, I knew sooner or later I would have to tell her. Well I told her and we are still together but alot has changed, things like see does not see me a a man even though I have not introduced her to Keri in the physical sense. At this point in time, it does not seem that this will ever happen either.
So if I had waited to know about myself I would have been 38 years old with no children or wife (in other words, lonely) I wish I would have known more about myself back when I asked my wife to well become my wife. But" life is what happens when we are making other plans" ( I really like this quote) If we knew about our lives before we lived it then what would be the point of living. Well the point for me is my family, see if I would have told my wife before we where married, my life would be different in a bad way.
I do agree that we should tell our wives as soon as possible but first we need to know what tp tell them. As for me If I would have kept my mouth shut and continued to hide this part of me, my wife would be happier today. I took that happiness from her not because I wanted to but because I thought honesty was a better way to go and I thought just maybe we would become even closer, because I could be myself. Whatever happened to my life? Why me? What am I suppose to learn from this? Why would anybody choose to be a crossdresser? Why did I tell my wife? what did SHE gain by me telling her now after we built our life together? What did I gain? What did WE lose? Can we ever get back to the way things where?
Many, many more questions I have but I guess I will get to them another day. Love Keri

[happy2cd]

Alana,

You say that "she would have rather me not told her." I will agree that in the moment that was probably very true especially since you "probably picked a horrible time to tell her as well. It was on our anniversary." Yeah that probably hurt.

Ask her if she would have rather have found out by finding your stash later on in the marriage. I think that you had the courage to come clean-I did not-and I will guess that you prevented even worse pain for your wife if she had found out later on when you got sloppy.

I am sure that some people are able to carry this little secret with them to the grave, and I am sure it was easier to do before there were computers, digital cameras, search histories and other modern items that help us get sloppy. I would guess that the percentage of folks involved in a serious relationship/marriage who manage to hide their CD activities until they die is remarkably small. All it takes is one panty stuck to a strip of velcro on another piece of clothing in the dryer, a fake nail or earring that dropped while you were quickly trying to sweep it back into a drawer/gym bag/tool box whatever. Odds are good that you will get "busted" before you die, and besides if you predecease your spouse get what they will find at some point or another. I am guessing that is also truly a good and painfull hurt too?

In other words I wouldn't spend a lot of time feeling bad that you told, instead I would try to figure out how to make the best of it going forward. Merely my $0.02, however.

[NicoleScott]

How many stories like Zoe's have we read about here? Many. We mistakenly believed that marriage would end the crossdressing desires, only to find out months or years later that it doesn't work that way. So we find ourselves caught in the trap. We didn't mean to deceive, but we did. Will telling now ruin what otherwise is a pretty good thing? Or should we keep what's good by keeping the secret? Whatever we do, we're wrong.
We just can't predict what the reaction will be. Every situation is different. To advocate that everyone must tell ASAP is simply bad advice. We have to pick the right time, IF there is ever a right time. Those who advocate "you must tell your wife now" usually fail to add "but of course, your marriage might end when you do".
Some wives accept immediately. Some need more time, and are tolerant. Others, however, cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband, period.
I will be happy to discuss anything my wife wants to discuss with me. But I allow her private thoughts; I don't demand to know everything that goes on in her brain. Some marriages need his and her brains to be hard-wired to each other. And that's fine if it works for them. But some marriage thrive very well, thank you, by some space and privacy. When a crossdressing husband realizes he's deep in the trap, he must weigh all the variables, the pros and cons of telling or not telling, and decide what to do and when to do it for his unique situation that no one else can understand.
It's good for us to tell others about our experiences, but let's quit thinking that what works for me will work for you. Or don't do what I did because it won't work for you, either.

[happy2cd]

Nicole, you are right that it is going to be bad no matter when or how an SO is made aware of the fact that their SO has revealed something to them. Disclosure might in fact end a marriage so I would agree with most of the GG's here about telling before marriage. Again, I did not do this.

My story is more in line with Keri but I did not tell. My wife made the discovery because I got sloppy. The outcome for me has been very similar to Keri's and I will never know if telling at some point along the road would have had a different result. But what once seemed harmless has proven to be anything but.

Everybody has to live their lives for themselves, there is no doubt about that. They have to make and live with their decisions every day.

Like others I did not plan to decieve because what was the big deal about a pair of panties once in a while, I thought I would not have the desire after I got married, I thought I had a handle on things. Some people walk on roses after their spouse finds out about everything and she is OK with it boundaries or no, others keep their SO and still go through hell, others lose their SO go through hell and then regroup.

What I found out that I had done was that I unwittingly dragged my spouse into a place she did not want to be PERIOD. Did I want to do this?-No. Did I plan to do this?-No. Does that matter to my SO?-Apparently not. She does not want to have a picture of me, mental or otherwise, wearing women's clothing. I can never undo the fact that that is what she found and that she apparently cannot purge it from her brain and go back the way it was before she found out.

In the end I am guessing that I would have slipped up sooner or later. Now I am left wishing that I had talked to her sooner because at least I could have tried to soften the blow or otherwise helped with her process of discovery and possible understanding. The end result might have been the same but I will always have to wonder what might have been.

"Whatever we do, we're wrong", no truer words have ever been spoken.

[happy2cd]

No, I am not divorced yet. My wife doesn't really want to learn or try to understand. It is wrong and unmanly.

I do not want a divorce that is her idea. I want to believe that we can get through this as we have the other stuff. That said one person cannot do it alone.

I have not thrown in the towel yet, but do not see a good end to the current stalemate. I am finding it hard to focus on anything under the current situation so sooner or later something is going to have to give.

I know from others that there is still a sliver of hope so I will cling to that. I wish that I had known about this site earlier as it would have helped me, but it was 2 years after she found out that I even had the courage to type the word "crossdresser" into the computer. Afterall it is a label I had never accepted for myself until then.

[Heather Daniels]

35 years ago crossdressing was considered more perverted than it is today... At really at 24 I didn't realize what crossdressing really was and what impact it would have on my like 30+ years later... Waiting for the right time that was never going to happen, weighing the impact of lying (aka not telling) vs the ever shrinking adverse view of crossdressing didn't make for a balancing of two equations and if it did they would cross somewhere after I have long past from this life... I had never planned on telling and wouldn't have if I hadn't gotten sloppy. If that makes me a bad evil liar then so be it... I don't make excuses or apologize for my actions and I don't feel anyone here has the right to judge me and what I've done... Times have changed and if I were to get married tommorow I wouldn't have an issue telling..

It's obvious to me that we both are from the same era, and area. I couldnt agree with you more. How could I disagree with someone who wears a black and gold thong? :D

[joandher]

35 years ago crossdressing was considered more perverted than it is today... At really at 24 I didn't realize what crossdressing really was and what impact it would have on my like 30+ years later... Waiting for the right time that was never going to happen, weighing the impact of lying (aka not telling) vs the ever shrinking adverse view of crossdressing didn't make for a balancing of two equations and if it did they would cross somewhere after I have long past from this life... I had never planned on telling and wouldn't have if I hadn't gotten sloppy. If that makes me a bad evil liar then so be it... I don't make excuses or apologize for my actions and I don't feel anyone here has the right to judge me and what I've done... Times have changed and if I were to get married tommorow I wouldn't have an issue telling..


I agree with Karren ,when I was in my teens 50+ years ago I thought I was the only person in the world that felt like this, and later found out that it was also illegal ,or you could be sent to a hospital where you would undergo electric shock treatment to the brain to try and cure you , that is why you just kept it to yourself,
I used to go out dressed on my own, from being 17 ,and still do now, but not a soul new my secret until 8/9 yrs ago,
My wife knows I under dress 24/7 and doesn't mind, but still doesn't know that I take it a lot further, yes I would love to tell all to her but what if it all went t-;,.s up , once out no going back, and why ruin a fantastic 40 + yr relationship


hugs J-JAY

[Jonianne]

To add to this thought, if you do tell before you get married, don't just stop at that. I learned the hard way that to maintain the relationship, it also takes discussion of boundries and groundrules. I told my first wife before we married. I even dressed quite a bit with her before we married. What we didn't do, was discuss comfort levels and boundries. It wasn't long into our marriage that I went further than she was comfortable with and into the closet the cd'ing went. Eventually it became a thorny issue and we ended up divorced.

With my wife now, I told her long before we married and learning from my last mistake, we discussed and worked out the boundries and groundrules. That was the best thing we did and it has worked out great for us, this past 12 years.

[msginaadoll]

At times many of us try to be Oprah and Dr Phil. I dont try to be holier than though and admit I have made mistakes. Yes telling beforehand is the best policy. Maybe telling after is a good policy too. But for every action there are consequences. I was once asked if I would want to know if my wife was cheating on me. My answer, IM happy now, so no I wouldnt want to know. What would I gain by knowing the truth. You may disagree with me and that is ok. I just hope that when u do you do it respectfully.

[StephanieT]

Ok so I am going to provide a slightly different point of view. Growing up I was to be a manly man. That was beat into me by my father. I experimented with dressing in my mothers clothes but thought it was only childhood experimentation. I also had a fascination with anal penetration. As I grew up I grew a moustache that I swore I would never shave off and I didn't for about 33 years. About 4 years ago, I started to admit what I am. I found this site and my wife wanted me to shave the stash so I did. That was the real start of Steph. I wasn't weird just different. Started buying clothes and wigs and going out. So when I met my wife I had no idea who I was. Now I am at the second level of my discovery. Finally got back into my past and realized I have always liked what is called gay sex. Am I gay or just bi. So I did not know when I got married, still discovering myself. Should I be punished for not telling up front, I don't think so since I did not know. Still more to figure out and when the whole story is known I will probably tell as I am not happy now.

[KrystalA]

I am SO glad I told my SO because she is fine with it, and she even buys me fem clothes now. My only regret is not having told her sooner.

[happy2cd]

Folks,

Earlier this week I was still reeling from some blasts over a posting on the loved ones section, and another bad round of trying to communicate with my SO about where I am. I had thought that I was dealing well with things, but I started to come unglued prior to the holidays and wanted to make a better start to this year.

I will always fail to see how CDing is as aweful as it is percecived since it seems to me it is relatively easy to work on a resolution (boundaries/groundrules, etc), especially when compared to other bad things. I have come to understand that not telling is perceived by my SO as a mean and selfish act on my part. I did not think that I was really hurting anyone.

People will do what they want. If they tell or are found out it is going to change things and it will likely hurt their SO. I can tell what I have gone through, what I have learned and make a suggestion, beyond that I do not mean to sound preachy.

[dominique]

I'm finding out through these many similiar threads that we're dammed if we do tell her and dammed if we don't. This is hard position for us to consider how we proceed on such a touchy subject. Many of us plan what to say and likey reaction they'll face once that line has been crossed. Being found out as I was, takes that desicion away from you and being put on the back foot trying and sometimes failing to get across our point of why we dress and the emotional outburst that is surely to follow. We all have different reasons why we tell or not. Our biggest fear is the end of our marriage whether we tell or not.

[kimdl93]

Happy, You're right - CDing isn't awful. The way people respond to it is awful and I think it a couple can discuss it openly and without rancor, there can be a resolution. The problem is in having those conversations in a positive and constructive way. Hiding the fact makes that harder, because instead of the issue being cross dressing, the foremost issue becomes distrust/suspicion. Its hard to get beyond that issue because trust is earned by actions not words.

But even in the best of worlds, some women can never accept a cross dressing partner. That could be because of prejudice against cross dressing itself, erroneous association of cross dressing with some "perversion", or simply the inability of a woman to be attracted a cross dresser as a partner. Individually, we have to accept the reality of this and decide for ourselves if the relationship is worth the effort and potentially worth denying a part of ourselves. And the rest of us need to accept that some CDers will make choices that are different from the ones we might make.

[AlanaBCD]

Yes Dominque, exactly, damned if we do and damned if we don't. I wish somehow I could close Pandora's Box, and yet, I am happy that it is out. I am glad that I have the place that I volunteered the information rather than getting found out. Neither is a good place to be, but I think telling is better. The caveat to that is, forecasting the future that if you didn't tell, would you get caught. We can't tell the future so it is an impossible situation.

Telling gives you the place that, "I told you because I don't want secrets between us." Whereas if you are found out, the discoverer, has the upper hand, and "What else are you hiding?" becomes even stronger (it is there on either side of the fence).

My wife knows that the desire to dress will never go away. I just have to work with her, by giving her time, space, and show her love. I am lucky to have a wife that loves me enough to try and work it out. I still don't know what the future holds for us. I am optimistic. I have the love and trust in my wife that somehow, someway we will get through this. I didn't say, "she", I said, "we".

To make a good decision, you have to know your own relationship, and that takes a lot of time. If you have put a lot into your relationship, I believe (disclaimer: MY OPINION) that your relationship has a better chance of survival.

[Alice B]

My experience is totally different because I did not become a cross dresser until late in life. All in all my wife accepted it very well because I was totally open with her. Not thrilled with my desire, but accepting within limits. The honesty was the key factor because honesty with her is extremely important and as the years have progressed she has given me more freedom. Where all of this came from I do not know because I can recall no desires as a child or in my early adult years. I was always percevied as very macho and still am to many. From reading many posts on this site it becomes clear that hiding from your SO and not being honest about your desires can only lead to trouble down the road, but that being honest and open about your desires tends to lead to happier results down the road.

[Marcia63]

There is never a right or wrong way, or a formula to say when or when not to tell your partner.

I told my first wife, not long after we first met, being young and niave I thought I could live without CDing. (Ever since that day as seven year old trying on a pair of my mums lace knickers)I know it will always be a part of me, and cannot be supressed. It ulitmately proved her excuse to kick me down.

The second time around I wasn't going to make the same mistake again! I told my current wife on my third date, that was over 6 years ago. if she hadn't accepted it, I would have called it quits and moved on.

It has developed over that period time, and tolerance (and some sort of understanding) has grown. I started slowly, and for the first three years it was underwear and stockings only.

The big break through for me was the Rocky Horror stage shows, going out dressed in a basque, high heels and make up. By seeing it as something that isn't actually sinister or a threat to her femininity, made her realise that is just something I love to do.

I can be Marcia around the house, when it's just us around. I go out from time to time with painted nails and some make up, the next step is to go out together, with me as Marcia.

[Allsteamedup]

Why have you missed the most obvious point?
Women are bad at getting over deception.
Puttung trust, and cding is a trust issue, back in your relationship takes work. You do not seem able to accept the work.

All of the life problems you quote as a marriage able to survive, are problems the wife puts more work in on than the husband. Fact. You may do the worrying. Your wife does the actual care, graft or whatever it takes to survive unemployment, financial disaster etc.

What she heard about your cding destroyed her trust, stripped her of who she is (her view of herself), attacked her sexuality and made her feel the most worthless piece of humanity going. If you think these are small issues for her to deal with then you don't have much appreciation of how women function. Oh, on top of all that she is ill.
She needs time and space to repair her view of herself. Even if she wasn't ill, this would be quite an undertaking.

Self-pity never looked good and it does not belong in a loving relationship.

You would do yourself a favour by finding out why your dressing is becoming so frequent as to disturb the family life you had before. Most people can find a balance.
If you need time away from home pay a carer to look after your wife or to take your wife out.

[happy2cd]

Thank you Allsteamed up for coming to the attack of me.

Your assumptions are way out of line as far as which spouse has had to work more on what. When we both lost our jobs and discovered that we had a child with a mental illness we both agreed that I was the better one to stay home and do the child rearing. I was more patient, willing and able to deal with things than she was. I did this for 4 years and did everything possible to support her while she worked. Than we both were working, than she lost her job(s) and we switched back to the more traditional role, but I am still very much the primary caregiver of our kids. This is unsettling for most people we deal with (especially schools), but is what works best for us. Please reassess your notion of FACT since it definitely does not apply to all people and all relationships at all times.

Also to imply that a husband does not actively participate in keeping things together through homelessness and the like might be true for some people but not for our family.

From coming here and reading what GG's have to say I get it that my not telling her pulled the rug out from under her and even after 4 years she is still trying to trust me again. I get it. I get that she doesn't like it, isn't into it and does want to see me dressed. I understand from Reine and others it may take her decades to come to terms with things, if ever. I do get it. I am frustrated because I do understand that the problem is the sneaking around, hiding and all the rest. So what do you do if after 4 years you still cannot talk about it to try to work out boundaries/groundrules/finding a balance/whatever. If the argument is always that CDing is different, wrong and not what I signed up for, it does undermine the self confidence and self esteem of the person who has to hear that over and over again. That and the bit about being untrustworthy, etc.

I get that I hurt her. I do get it. Does she, you and the other GG's get the hurt that you can put your SO through by continuously belittling how we feel. I cannot turn back the clock, I cannot unpeal an apple. So it is my understanding that if she doesn't decide to leave me, I must always feel like an untrustworthy, lying, undesirable freak? I sure hope not because I believe that I am way more than that.

If my crystal ball worked as well as I would like, I would have known that my CDing behavior would have changed over time, and I would have disclosed it early in the relationship. (If my wife leaves me I will do better the next time.) If my crystal ball worked that well I would tell you, today, who will win the Super Bowl and by how much. I have learned a lot from other people on this forum especially hearing about how things have progressed for them and how it has impacted their relationships. I again wish that I had the knowledge I have gained here before I got into this or any other relationship. I wish I had found this forum before my wife found out about the CDing because I would have told her. Again, I can't unpeal the apple but I can tell other people what I have gone through, encourage them to try to learn from mistakes I have made.

My wife has a chronic illness (isn't actively incapacitated by illness), has had symptoms of the illness since before we met, and will have symptoms of illness for decades to come if she doesn't step in front of a bus or otherwise shorten her life expectancy. She has had decades to come to terms with her primary medical issue, and 4 years to grapple with what she found out about me.

I do understand why you are Allsteamedup. I will do the best that I can for my wife, my family and myself regardless of things moving forward, and I wish you all the best in doing the same for yourself and your family.