My feelings..??...

[Charlena]

First of all I want to say I respect all of you. I have been lurking quite awhile now, and have drifted away from the main board.
I dressed for the first time age 5 in my older sisters pink leotard and tu-tu, I would twirl and try to stand on my tiptoes like I saw on television. I can't describe The feeling, that innocence was lost a long time ago.
My older sisters name was Lisa Gayle, she died when I was three, she was seven.
Mom eventually caught me ( I think she ran out of valium that day. I had it timed pretty good ther for about a year there :heehee:) I loved her so. She was angry then... to this day I don't know if it was that I was in girls clothes, or in my sisters clothes that upset her the most? She used to paint my toenails, until one day a boy saw them and told everybody I was a sissy. Training starts young, the bigotry, the expectations of so many sources.
I would not say my father thought of me as a sissy (I dislike that word) but he never quite thought of me as a man. I was too quite, did not like to hunt, cried too much, advoided conflict to the point of backing down.
It makes sense to me now, the backing down. I had the feelings insde of a young girl and was being confronted by big boys testing out their testostone.
I learned how I "was supposed to be" by parents and all those other societial norms. I (we?) were never allowed to let that individual emerge, made to supress our real selves.
I am fifty-one years old, married to my beautiful supporting Laura, thirty years this August. I only told her three and a half years ago:sad: I am so blessed. A lot of painful years still dwell, the supressing myself, wearing masks, guilt and shame, thinking I was weird, crazy, perverted, ...Depressed.
In the past year I have went out more and decided i was not living my life it was somebody elses. Laura and I have joined Sienna in Louisville Ky. And we even sat on a panel at a local PFLAG meeting on trangender issues.
This is part of my story, there is not many places you can go and be honest to your true self and to others who can understand. Respect and Love...All is Related...Lena

[Rianna Humble]

I can identify with the years of hiding and feeling guilty and ashamed of needing to be who I am. It's great that your wife is being so supportive - does she know about the sections on these forums for wives, SO's and other loved ones?

I look forward to learning more about you as you settle in to this part of crossdressers.com

[gretchen2]

It’s not an easy road, but your story rings true for many of us, thank god times are changing. About once a month I go to LAMBDA which has a trans support group in Ft. Collins Colorado. Ft. Collins is a college town and in this support group there are about twenty of us. Two thirds of this group are in there late teens and early twenties, half trans woman and the other half trans men. It makes me happy to see all these young people starting transition early in life. The trans community is really starting to be seen allowing young people to express themselves in there proper gender. Where as a lot of the older generations had to hide themselves from society. I hope your road becomes less bumpy.

[Melody Moore]

It’s not an easy road, but your story rings true for many of us, thank god times are changing.

I agree with Gretchen in that your story is one that sounds so familiar to so many of us. And I also know how hard it is to know
what it all means when we try and fit into the world & find out that we don't belong in the pigeon hole that society puts us. It's
also good to know that young transsexuals today are not suffering today like some of us older transsexuals have. I too have been
asked to speak at local PFLAG meetings on transgender & transsexual issues. So its great that you are not only out there to just
be honest & to your true self, but you are also using your experience so others may understand & learn to accept gender diversity
in society. Statistics show that lots of transsexuals don't make it this far in life, but thanks to your efforts many more will survive.
So good luck and I hope that everything goes well for you on the path that you have chosen. :hugs:

[Charlena]

It's great that your wife is being so supportive - does she know about the sections on these forums for wives, SO's and other loved ones?

I look forward to learning more about you as you settle in to this part of crossdressers.com

She has looked at it a few times but she is not really a forum kind of person....Thank you for the welcome.


It&#8217 It makes me happy to see all these young people starting transition early in life. The trans community is really starting to be seen allowing young people to express themselves in there proper gender. Where as a lot of the older generations had to hide themselves from society. I hope your road becomes less bumpy.

The Sienna group we attend also has several young people and I agree it is very nice to see them have a place to go.


It's
also good to know that young transsexuals today are not suffering today like some of us older transsexuals have. I too have been
asked to speak at local PFLAG meetings on transgender & transsexual issues. So its great that you are not only out there to just
be honest & to your true self, but you are also using your experience so others may understand & learn to accept gender diversity
in society. Statistics show that lots of transsexuals don't make it this far in life, but thanks to your efforts many more will survive.
So good luck and I hope that everything goes well for you on the path that you have chosen. :hugs:

Yes the first time I went to Sienna they asked me to come the very next day to talk at the PFLAG meeting. I was so nervous I said I would think about it, not thinking I would go. Overnight I got to thinking I was very glad to get out with others but there was something more. To present well and get out and be seen, to help not only myself but to lend support to those younger people and all of us. Their presense was encourgaging to me. I also met two new friends close to my age and it was the first time in my life I could really be myself in a public setting.

Thank you all for your replies. Lena

[Melody Moore]

it was the first time in my life I could really be myself in a public setting.
This is what I find as well with being totally 'out' about myself. I also think the response I get from people even outside the LGBT community is tremendously understanding, accepting & supportive. I find most people I meet now try to empathise with what I have struggled with if ever I share my story.

As a male, I got through life by living a lie - wearing a mask of tattoos and by acting as a man's man and I managed to fool many people. Even though I pass very well as a female now, I don't like to be totally stealth with people I really get to know because I feel that I am replacing one mask with another & feels I am still living a lie by not being totally honest about myself to people I meet now & value as friends. I have found that people appreciate & respect my courage, strength & honesty which makes me feel really proud & gives me so much confidence now to just be myself 24/7 with everyone I meet.

[Laura_Stephens]

So sorry to hear that you lost your sister at such an early age. that must have been horrible to deal with even though you were very young.

I lost a brother several years ago due to drugs. I still wish I could have done something to save him.

[Charlena]

Thanks Melody, for the words they gave me a little more courage and strenght. Yes I feel very strange anymore when I am around people I care for and I choose to wear the mask. I don't know... it hurts, and is harder and harder to do. But I do have a path to follow, along with the help of a very good therapist things are getting better, and of course my spouse.

[Charlena]

So sorry to hear that you lost your sister at such an early age. that must have been horrible to deal with even though you were very young.

I lost a brother several years ago due to drugs. I still wish I could have done something to save him.

Hi Laura, that's my spouse's name too. I have a younger sister who is a chronic alocholic in the last stages. I wrote the following in another section.

I do believe that most of us are truly doing the best we can do in life, we may not think we are. We listen to others expectations and what we should or should not do, the media.
I used to feel guilty about not visiting my Mother enough when she was in a nursing home I saw her on average once a week for the first ten years but dropped to a couple times a month during the last five. I have come to realize that I was doing the best I could at the time. I was dianogised BipolerII, helping raise two young children through teenage years, working quite a bit of overtime, scout leader, husband, and all those other times that just pop up out of the blue, or grey. I am not trying to make excuses, I am just trying to let others know not to let guilt of the past race out of control. I think we are all doing the best we can while struggling with our, and many times other people's problems.
I can admit I felt the guilt come to me tonight that I did not do enough to help my sister (I think she will recover this time but very ill). After trying for so many years I started to wear down and I guess, "see the writing on the wall". I tried as hard as my body and mind would let me, so I find peace in that.

Laura, one can offer help and even force help upon another, but if that other person does not try to help themselves there is little more we could have done. sometimes we don't even know before it's too late. I don't believe it is the other person's fault it's just the way things turned out. I'm sure you did whatever you could under your circumstances. Peace to you and all you love. charlena