My Appointment -- A Positive Step

[RachelDee]

Had my first appointment with Dr Curtis on Thursday (3rd) :)

I think I had some pretty positive results! For anyone who is not aware, Dr Richard Curtis runs a Gender Clinic in London (http://www.transhealth.co.uk/).

It was quite an interesting day, for one, I have never been to London before! So that was a new experience. I was nervous the night before, not knowing what to expect, what questions he may ask etc etc.

My family was pretty supportive though of my appointment (my mother and sister/brother) and were wishing me luck. Even though they were not sure of what would it involve/what would happen, it felt like ppl wanted to offer me some kind of support.

Well the day came, and I walked in. Not sure what to expect. I filled in the form, which was just a few basic details (name/address which doctor I had and their contact details, if I agree'd to any future appointments if medication was to be considered etc). I arrived about 20 mins early, and Dr Curtis saw me shortly after I arrived. So he did not make me wait till the arrange time which was nice.

What followed was basically asking me how he could help me. He asked me about my family (brothers/sisters) if I had a happy childhood or not. What school was like for me, if I was bullied etc. He asked me when I first felt these feelings, if I had crossdressed etc. He didnt really dwell on too many physical things. He did ask me if the crossdressing had any erotic component to it (if I ever masturbated) and I answered honestly and said yes it had. He said but not now? And once again I was totally honest and said "Yes, there still is. However its not really been desirable. More like a compulsion or automatic urge that makes me feel more confused -and that I tried to get my GP to prescribe something to reduce."

He just said, thats fine. I thought about there I had probably made myself sound like a transvestite. But I guess, if thats what I was, thats what I was (dispite the other feelings). :shrug:

He asked me if I had discussed it with anyone. I told him I had told a number of friends, that my parents knew, and that I had told my OCD therapist about it towards the end of our sessions. I told him I had thought about HRT thinking it might make me feel better. He asked me if I had dressed in public (I told him no of course as I have not).

Anyway, by the end of all the questions he told me "A lot of people think when they come to see me that I am going to tell them what they are, and what to do. But really all we can do is help them find the right path for them. We can offer paths to treatment, but can't gurentee results.". Might not be word for word, but that was the general meaning of it (sorry am still a bit tired, just got home a few hours ago as I had to stay over in Doncaster as we live no where near a train station!).

He told me of different groups of people, people who start living full time right away, people who build up to it, people who just live part time, and some people who just take hormones/have some surgical procedures and live as their current gender still. He said some people try it and then 'go back'.

He asked me what my aim/goals were. I told him that I felt that changing myself was the only way to 'cure' the feelings, rather than surpress or burry them. That what it felt was like I wanted to start transition, but gradually.

He asked me some health questions (smoker/drinker alchol abuse and that kind of thing -- all of which I am totally free of).

To my surprise he gave me some papers on the various kinds of Hormone Treatment. Told me that he would send me a letter, and if possible I see if my GP will give me a blood test so they can get basic levels. He said if not then they can do them (for a charge). He said if for some reason my GP was unable to do them for me, he would arrange it so on my next appointment I could have them done on the same day.

He asked about me taking Finasteride (I take propecia to stop hair loss) and asked how much I paid for that each month (which is about £47). He was shocked and said they do 5mg tablets and you can just break them up, and they are only £12 a month, and when I run out of propecia to contact them and they would supply me with them!

He said in regards to transition, that trying it and seeing if its for you can sometimes be the only way. He remarked that I was in range of female proportions (he asked me my height, and weight -- he seemed a bit shcoked at my weight but then thats been going pretty low of late!). Also that my features were quite small, and that I am still relativly young and that would help in passing and that he thought I would respond well to oestrogen.

All of which made me feel quite happy :) he recommended I seeked out a councilor I could talk too, someone who I could discuss things with and help me keep things on track. Also that most people start Facial Hair Removal as the first thing and that I can just find someone local to do that (IPL or Electrolysis), but just to make sure they have experience with Trans people.

So that was about it, I made an appointment for 3 months time. Left with a form (Hormone Treatment consent) that I need to sign and return, which has a list of 'I understand....' and then warnings and things that I need to do (such as Bank Sperm which he mentioned).

Seems like if I return that, get the blood tests (and nothing bad shows up) then he will allow me to start taking hormones. I am aware that some people spend a LOT of time in therapy/sessions and so forth before they get that far. So I feel quite lucky there. There is still 3 months between now and then of course to think it fully, and read though the health risks properly etc.

I think then, in general I had a very positive result. I would def recommend him to other people, as he is very nice & understanding. I did not feel at all like I was 'under a microscope' of being judged etc. It felt like he was there to (and wanted) to help me. It was also nice to finally meet a trans person in person :) and there were a number of people in the small waiting room. I did not talk to them, as they were busy and doing their own thing but it was a good experience.

[Faith_G]

Wonderful news, I'm glad to hear you had such a good experience! :hugs:

[RachelDee]

Thanks Faith_G :) just wanted to share something positive with people, and see what they thought.

Also, perhaps, some people may be looking at going to a clinic like this and its always good to hear real peoples experiences. I always heard good things about Dr Curtis on the internet, and they were not unfounded.

[Aprilrain]

That's sounds excatly like the opposite of what you have been dreading for some time now, which is great! Keep us informed. What happened to those sexy legs?

[Laura_Stephens]

Rachel, VERY happy for you and somewhat jealous. I think you were wise to answer everything truthfully. I bet he has heard so much BS during his career that he can spot it a mile away.

In the next couple of years, I hope to visit the UK - not for trans issues. Rather, I have always wanted to visit. Like many of us from across the pond, I want to visit London, Liverpool (LOVE the Fab Four), and Silverstone. I want to eat REAL fish and chips and visit the port where my father sailed from the night of June 5, 1944 - he was in the first wave on June 6 on Omaha Beach.

[Jorja]

I'm glad you had a good experience Rachel. Actually it sounds about the normal for a first appointment. Also, it is not unheard of for a doctor to agree on hormones on a first visit. They go case by case. Some may need more counseling, some not. It is all in your answers to their questions. It is soooo very important to be truthful with your doctor or counselor when considering transition. Finally, do research the list of "I understand...." so that there are no surprises for you later.

I wish you the best of luck and know we are always here for you.

[arbon]

I am glad to hear that it went well to. Sometimes our fears our way out of proportion to what the reality ends up being

[Melody Moore]

What can I say? ...

Great job, it's so good to finally hear that you have taken this first step and as time goes on & you get to know your doctors & therapist better all the fears you've been holding onto will surely disappear. It was also really good for you to see some other transsexuals so now you will start to feel that you are not alone. There are many of us out there & nearly everyone had the same issues & hurdle to overcome as you have.

It was great how Dr Curtis explained to you that lots of people are different & that some choose different paths & that some try treatments & transitioning and decide that it's not for them. But I think you know already what is the right path for you and you made that clear to him which was great because it sounds to me like he is already taking the steps to get you going in the right direction with hormone therapy ASAP. Being clear & concise about your decisions is important when you are going to start on the road to transitioning.

Overall Rachel, I think you have come along way already even thought there is still a long way to go. But you are over one of the biggest hurdles in coming out to your family and taking these first baby steps. You will be up & walking and running around in no time. I get this feeling about you already just from reading your post you are so much stronger & a lot more confident than you were just a few weeks ago.

So... you go girl! :hugs:

[RachelDee]

Thanks all :) :huggles

That's probably true April :) I have had a lot of fears, and a lot of things that I ended up freaking myself out over and over thinking a lot. It seemed like the total opposite happened.

I am not sure if it would have been the case in an NHS clinic though. I did feel quite at ease knowing that I was paying them to help me, and so really I was 'in control' and not someone else. Made it much easier to open up.

My only problem is I forgot a few things! I guess nothing that would change the outcome, just I forgot to tell him about my envyious feelings and such over girls in public for example, and also my seemingly connected weight loss. Hope my weight will fix itself soon if I start feeling a bit happier and less stressed out.

Oh and I changed it (my avatar) because I thought it probably made me look a bit like I was trying to show off / exhibit or something :S but thankyou for the compliment! ^_^

@Laura

Thankyou! :) Well I guess I decided that if I started holding back saying things out of fear, it might lead him to give me bad advise -which can only hurt me.

When I go back there in May I will try and get there with some time to spare so I can walk round a bit :) and I hope you manage to come here someday too and see it. Is a very interesting place (and I only saw a tiny corner of it so far!).

@Jorja

Yeah I just did not think it would even be mentioned, compared to everyone else it seems like I have done so little. I have not even changed my name, although I almost did just before Christmas. I do not live part-time, and I do not present as female outside etc.

I mentioned to him I had thought about HRT, to see if it would help me feel better internally. I was pretty surprised for him to say about it in 3 months. Happy, infact so happy I kinda got carried away and said I would pay right now for a blood test ;) he did say he couldnt give me a prescription today though even if I did because he needs to get the results etc lol....

I need to read the info anyway, and take a bit of time think things through and what was said. Its a big step, even if its something I have wanted. Still need to be sensible about it.

@ arbon

My fears probably do end up out of proportion. But then I have suffered with anxiety for a long time, so I have a tendancy to 'predict' to worst case to try and be prepared (and you never are regardless).

@ Melody

I appreciate that :) it was good to meet some people who were transitioning in person (well see) and I felt totally at ease. When I go next time, I might see if I can engage someone in conversation, though I dont want to bother anyone so will play that by ear.

This time has been a lot different than 6 years ago. I felt ashamed and guilty then, and now, well I know that this is not something I should feel guilty about or ashamed. It's not my fault, and its really no ones business but my own how I live. I have told a lot of people, so no more 'secret shame's sort of feelings. People know, and I have accepted the concequences (though so far mostly all been quite positive).

I do feel more positive about my situation, I am trying not to pre-judge how things will turn out based on my current appearance for example... and try to think about things I have going for me rather than not. It was reassuring for someone to tell me that they thought I had things going for me in terms of passing, so that was a boost too.

Maybe also I have come to the conclusion that; Yes I likley will never look like all these pretty looking girls I see walking around, and I will never get to be 'born' female like them. However, its not important & not something I can ever change (so no sense punishing myself over things I cannot control).

As long as I can pass, and as long as I feel better about myself, thats all that matters. We all get old, lose our looks and so forth eventually anyway.

[Aprilrain]

When I go next time, I might see if I can engage someone in conversation, though I dont want to bother anyone so will play that by ear.

We all get old, lose our looks and so forth eventually anyway.

Rachel, I have been engaged by curious people while out dressed and as long as they are relatively polite and not threatening I have always talked to them and answered their questions. I think it would be fine if you tactfully engaged someone in conversation.

Amen to that second point, life is too short!

[Deborah_UK]

We all get old, lose our looks and so forth eventually anyway.

Thanks for reminding me! :sad: :tongueout

:D

Seriously though, I'm glad you got there, and after all your angst leading up to, I'm so pleased that Dr Curtis has helped cleaar so many of your demons.

And I'm sure that this way was best for you (private rather than NHS) because for some reason the NHS route can appear extremely rigid.

Well done. :)

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Rachel, sorry I missed this yesterday, but that is very good news - especially the improved attitude from your family :hugs:

It certainly sounds as if you can work with Dr Curtis which is a big plus point and like the others I think you were right to be completely honest with him.



We all get old, lose our looks and so forth eventually anyway.
Thanks for reminding me! :sad: :tongueout

Wait till you get to my age, then you'll know about old :eek:

[tanyalynn51]

This is the first time Ive seen one of your posts on this Rachel. Im sorry, because your experience pretty much mirrored mine. The fear of going to the therapist, what was going to happen, what would come next, etc. What Ive gotten is someone I could talk to, more confidence in going out partially dressed at times, the courage to tell a couple of friends (as I said in a recent thread, one went shopping with me last week). I know some people have negative experiences with therapists on here, but we both have obviously been blessed. Im really happy for you.:hugs:

[danielleb]

It's always inspiring to hear of others positive experinces when trying to create a new reality with this situation! I'm so glad that you were able to find such an accepting enviornment!:)


I do feel more positive about my situation, I am trying not to pre-judge how things will turn out based on my current appearance for example... and try to think about things I have going for me rather than not. It was reassuring for someone to tell me that they thought I had things going for me in terms of passing, so that was a boost too.

Maybe also I have come to the conclusion that; Yes I likley will never look like all these pretty looking girls I see walking around, and I will never get to be 'born' female like them. However, its not important & not something I can ever change (so no sense punishing myself over things I cannot control).

As long as I can pass, and as long as I feel better about myself, thats all that matters. We all get old, lose our looks and so forth eventually anyway.

This seems like a pretty huge change from the person you were prior to the visit, I'm so happy to hear that!:thumbsup:

[Jorja]

.Maybe also I have come to the conclusion that; Yes I likley will never look like all these pretty looking girls I see walking around, and I will never get to be 'born' female like them. However, its not important & not something I can ever change (so no sense punishing myself over things I cannot control).

As long as I can pass, and as long as I feel better about myself, thats all that matters. We all get old, lose our looks and so forth eventually anyway.

Now you have the idea! Besides that, there is always plastic surgery for when we get old and lose our looks. ;)

[RachelDee]

Thanks all for the positive replies :)

Lol well just saying really, all these pretty looking girls are going to be old someday so, looks dont last forever. But yeah - it would be nice to look that good, even if it only lasted a while.:daydreaming:

Mind you, what would I do if I looked like that anyway? Not like id go out chasing guys XD id probably do nothing different (except feel incredibly amazingly wonderful).

My moods come down slightly, maybe a little more so today. Just as I realise the task ahead and perhaps the financial limitations. I am saving all the money I can possibly save, in order to pay for the appointments/travel and any things that I may need doing. But I do not have endless amounts of money (not much at all really).

So looking at electrolysis I am not sure how far I am going to get, and I def need to get that started. While my facial hair is not 'full' its also hard to shave. I tend to leave it because my skin is sensative (and I am an eczema sufferer and do not want to start anything off on my face!). But then my face feels disgusting (and looks it) so I shave. But no matter how much I seem to shave I can never get rid of the dark 'dots' as my skin is quite fair in colour. Plus then if I shave too close I end up with ingrown hairs and spots etc.

Need to get this nasty stuff off my face ASAP. I am not sure if the NHS will fund it.... if not I don't know if I will be able to. I would not consider living full (or even part) time till I had gotten rid of it all. Seriously.

Which reminds me, I am still waiting for my hair to grow out! Going to take a while, and have no clue at all how I am going to style it into anything female like. My hair is ALWAYS a pain in the arse to style. I have a 'double crown' which is the bane of having nice hair..... I am not sure how its going to be long. I do remember once I did grow it out, and my mother did not think it suited me, and I couldnt figure out what to do with it.

What else. Yeah I have been pondering the Hormone Treatment, and other things I need to do before then. I got a letter today from the clinic, a copy of the one they had sent to my Doctor. Was basically a bunch of sections covering what we talked about, and there was a Gender History section and also an 'Impression' section.

In that one he outlined his opinion which was;


My impression is of a gender dysphoric individual with a long history of cross gender surpression and limited expression. He presented as stable with a background history of OCD and gave a good account of himself. Is potentially male to female transexual according to ICD10 F 64.0 criteria, presenting in male role.

My ummm.... well she isnt my girlfriend. But I guess very close friend who is a girl, asked me about it and I told her what it said. I think she is taking things reasonably well now, though breaks my heart knowing how much ive ruined the potential for anything more between us now. I hope we can at least stay friends.

Am I going to end up alone? Thats something I keep thinking..... is this just going to rob me of one of my biggest dreams, which I guess in hindsight, was actually a pretty female type of dream lol. Which was finding someone special to share my life with.... then again was it an important dream because I felt like I was 'missing' something in myself, that needed another person to fill? :straightface:

I just spent some time online, buying make-up. Spend about £30 on various things. Hopefully didnt just waste my money on rubbish lol, but I felt I should start practising at least..... I tried to get some natural colours but I am afraid I let myself get a bit girly and ended up with lots of pinks and candy type things. :doh: Will see how that turns out. Just got myself a bag, some brush sets, some eye shadow/lipgloss/nail polish and some foundation etc.

Will see my GP in the next few days (she isnt in there everyday and u have to ring up at the crack of dawn to get an appointment and if they are full you are out of luck!) and see if she can help at all. At the very least, I hope she can do the blood tests for me. I could do without the £100 cost of having those done privatly.

EDIT:
Oh yeah, I informed my mother / sister of the outcome of my appointment. Showed them the letter on HRT. I stayed over at my aunts (since I caught the train from Doncaster) and she seemed to ask me lots of questions. Was good to talk about it, she did not seem that shocked or upset. She even offered to lend me some of her clothes when I said I wanted to go in some female items (but quickly realised our ages were not that compatible or sizes). She said if I wanted to come stay over sometime, and dress a bit more 'female' she wouldnt mind (yes that shocked me too!).

My mother's reaction was not too bad, though I think she felt sick after. She seemed to feel ill shortly after reading the information I was given (including the consent form). There are a LOT of side effects listed on them and things are scary enough, but then realising all those health risks too is.... a lot to take in I guess. Anyway she said "So talking isnt going to fix it?" or something to that effect. I tried to explain a little, but tell her even I was not sure what would fix it. If transition would make me feel better or not, I feel very conflicted. On one hand -- it feels like I need to do it. The only way to feel better about myself. On the other hand, it feels like - what if I am making a mistake? If this does not make me happy and I just alienate myself from people instead & feel worse if I dont pass etc.

I am not a very good person at making choices. Especially of importance. I can end up never making a choice, and being stuck on pro's and con's and "what ifs". So, yeah I knew this was going to be filled with doubts. Especially when it has the potential to be a huge mistake, or a huge leap forward in my life.

[Aprilrain]

Rachel I think your fears are common and valid but fears none the less. I've seen your profile pic and you are young and skinny which is more than most GGs have going for them. I'm sure you have some masculine facial features, I know I do, but proper makeup and wig (and then long hair when you grow it out) can do a lot to emphisise your feminine features. I think it's good that you ordered some makeup don't worry about it being good, good and bad is more a matter of burning out your eyes or not. Lol. Anyway you can play around in your spare time until you like what you see. And don't forget to watch some of the hundrededs of instructional videos on you tube, they really helped me. Now that your coming out ask GGs for advise on make up. Here's my two cents, sorry two pence worth, get some of those little foam triangular cosmetic sponges. These things are invaluable for appling liquid foundation and concealer.

[Melody Moore]

I am not a very good person at making choices. Especially of importance. I can end up never making a choice, and being stuck on pro's and con's and "what ifs". So, yeah I knew this was going to be filled with doubts. Especially when it has the potential to be a huge mistake, or a huge leap forward in my life.
Rachel, please don't be too concerned with the 'what ifs' and the 'pros & cons' if this is what you really feel
that you want. Because let's face it, you and I both know you tend to over-think & over-analysis everything.
So just try to focus on the road ahead & the opportunities of self-discovery you are about to embark on now.


Oh yeah, I informed my mother / sister of the outcome of my appointment. Showed them the letter on HRT. I stayed over at my aunts (since I caught the train from Doncaster) and she seemed to ask me lots of questions. Was good to talk about it, she did not seem that shocked or upset. She even offered to lend me some of her clothes when I said I wanted to go in some female items (but quickly realised our ages were not that compatible or sizes). She said if I wanted to come stay over sometime, and dress a bit more 'female' she wouldnt mind (yes that shocked me too!).I think its awesome that your aunt is offering to be supportive to you like this. After reading your posts and following your story so closely, I can see that this is exactly what you need right now - an advocate who can also help you, AND maybe help your parents to be a lot more understanding & accepting.


My mother's reaction was not too bad, though I think she felt sick after. She seemed to feel ill shortly after reading the information I was given (including the consent form). There are a LOT of side effects listed on them and things are scary enough, but then realising all those health risks too is.... a lot to take in I guess. Anyway she said "So talking isnt going to fix it?" or something to that effect. I tried to explain a little, but tell her even I was not sure what would fix it.
I am really wary of your mother and how she is dealing with things after all I have learnt about your situation. I tend to feel she tries to put you on guilt trips, so her feeling of being a little 'ill' could have been put on just to try and make you feel bad. Don't let her do that to you because this is your problem you are dealing with here, NOT hers! So I am concerned about Your mum's attitude about the whole issue. The first thing she needs to realise is that you can't just 'fix' things up if you have gender identity disorder. The solution for our type of problem is accepting that we do have a serious gender identity disorder, work out who we truly are & accepting that. After that understanding & support from those around us is also crucial to solving our problems. There is no magic pill or amount of talking that is going to make you accept that you are a male when your crisis is so serious Rachel, and your mother really needs to start to understand this and come to terms with it.

I think one thing you should do is try to spend more time with your aunt and get some more positive support happening. Tell her about the problems you are having at home, she could be someone good to vent to. And maybe you could move in with her if things got too difficult with your mother & father. But start spending more time there being in touch with your feminine self because this is also important for you to be able to correctly balance up what is the best solution for you. In your current situation you are seriously repressed - get the hell out of that situation for your own good because this is bad enough to screw anyone's head up. You need to start to feel freedom and more independence if you are to live your life for yourself and not for other people. Please don't think I am being insensitive in saying this, but everyone's days are numbered including those of your parents & the reality is that one day there wont be anyone else but you. So its time you started to be stronger & learn to stand on your own two feet Miss Rachel Dee. How old are you again? Well & truly over 18 and more than an adult now. So try making your own decisions for yourself without any negative influence from others.

Good Luck Girlfriend, let us know how it all goes. :hugs:

[RachelDee]

Thanks April,

A bit too skinny at the moment! (does me no favours in the face). It's the first time in my life I think stress/anxiety has actually had such a huge impact on me physically. It's still been going down! I will be talking to my GP about it because if it keeps going this way, sooner or later I am going to be in trouble!

Oh and this is me from the neck up btw lol; http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=234793&id=729081289&l=01f8f5d2d3

I do appreciate the compliments, I try to look for the things that will 'help' me but often come back to my face being my main issue lol. My biggest worry with make-up is kinda (and a reason I have not really done much with it before now) because I still look very much male -so If I start applying it and look in the mirror and hate it, hate how i look, am I going to be thinking "This is it, you'll be spending your life looking like that. So get used to it or turn back now before its too late!" sort of thing.

Will just have to go slowly, and hopefully will enjoy it. As I mentioned I am trying hard not to pre-judge myself based on my current very male looking self, though I am also trying not to expect miricles either heh XD. Will try and look at it more of practising application and method rather than what I look like after.

Good idea on the instruction videos! I did watch one which is why I ended up with something called 'Loose Power' to go on before the eye shadow. There were some other things too like Pressed Power. I was on the site, looking at all the different stuff thinking "OMG.... where do you even start? I don't know what half of this stuff is even for. Let alone how to apply it."

Just went with the basics (I think) and will go from there. If I am seriously thinking of HRT and facial hair removal etc, then this is something I need to start practising with ASAP. I hoped also it might make me feel a little better -a bit closer to the end goal.

Triangular cosmetic sponges, will look out for them. This might seem a silly question, but... I thought the powder females applied to their cheeks to add colour was called 'Blush' ? However the site I was on didnt seem to have anything under that name. Perhaps I did not look hard enough. But I was looking for the right thing yeah? XD

- - - -

Thank you also Melody.

I do over think things, I assume this is something from the OCD / just my personality. Trying to avoid failure and doom by making the 'best informed choice'. As I said though, I often get stuck in loops of facts and feelings. If the 'logic' says its a bad idea, but my feelings are that I want/need to do something it makes it hard to decide.

Logic says, I was born a male. No amount of hormones is going to change me magically into a female. Only expensive FFS will cure me of some of the Testosterone induced changes. It's going to cost a lot of money, be a very HARD road, and I might very well end up being unhappy with the results, and finding it hard to live day to day without being hassled or so forth by people on the street. On top of that, I will never have the relationship I desired for so long.... so that all sounds pretty bleak.

But then my feelings. Well thats another story. I cannot turn those on and off, and I cannot turn off the sheer amount of envy I feel when I look at girls. Or how much I *want* to be the people on YouTube who are transitioning. They are automatic feelings, floods of them. I can maybe escape them for a little while by ignoring myself and things around me (something I became very good at with the OCD) but if im confronted with it again back they come. Ever since November last year, when I seemed to have some sort of crisis/breakdown with the Gender Dysphoric thoughts, its been impossible to 'burry' or ignore them.

I can't stop feeling in conflict with my body, hating my reflection MORE now that I realise and accept why. It's a struggle, and to live with this and do nothing seems impossible.

I am waffling a bit. I guess what I am getting at is that I find it hard to 'reason' out something with so many unknowns, and a lot of negative things attached to it. Yet I feel like I do not have a choice.

Something interesting happened while I was staying away from home actually. It sounds a bit odd though but here goes...

We do not have a shower at home (just a bath with a shower attachment on the taps). Well the shower where I was staying was one of those full power shower things, in its own unit with glass sliding glass doors etc.

Whenever I got into it something curious happened. Ignoring some obvious male parts, I never felt like I had a male body in that shower. It felt female. I kept looking down at myself (as I was washing) honestly expecting to see a female body. I know that sounds bizarre! but I never felt that before, I actually felt kinda happy with my body for the first time (even if it was imagined!?). It was a great feeling! Maybe it was just being away from the 'routine', but like seeing yourself outside of the usual setting and it giving u a new perspective. Or maybe I had some mental image from a movie or something lol I don't know. I really miss that shower though ;) lol.

My aunt's reaction surprised me a lot. Was much better than I could ever have expected. My only reservation was once she read the papers I brought back on HRT (she asked if she could and I did not want to be rude after all she's done). Her attitude changed a little, to be more, I don't know - not negative but a bit more serious & consequential.

I see what you are saying Melody about my mother. Though I honestly do not think she was doing it to make me feel guilty, but I see how you could think that. I know she has been stressed out about the house move (which has fallen through but the house is still sold so..), and I think that her reading about the HRT and the side effects etc was a lot for her to take in. She's been a bit more secretive again since I came back, like going silent when my father is around. I think he is dealing with it by 'pretending it never came up' and my mother seems to be finding it hard to accept that I am planning things that will actually change me. But she is my mother so I guess, its a hard thing to deal with - she is essentially losing a son if this all comes to pass. Gaining a daughter :) but still losing her son who she raised and brought up.

I know she feels somewhat responsible too. She has said she keeps thinking its her fault, something she did during pregnancy or her genes being rubbish etc. Eitherway I told her its nothing she could change, so nothing that is her fault.

I am hoping that as time goes on, she starts to accept things more. I am still trying to accept my path myself. I feel like I am having a battle of logic vs feeling. Logic is telling me that I am going to fail, and mess up my life in the process. My feelings push me onward, its a 'need' nothing to do with logic and its like im on autopilot.

I started writing this message yesterday, since then my new make-up and such has arrived. I did have one small issue, I have NO MIRRORS in my room lol. I forgot, I mean I never wanted mirrors in my room because..... I dont really want to look at myself. Or think about myself. Before the GD came into focus that reason seemed to because I was not a 'good looking male' though I never felt like there was any male I wanted to look like -I never felt envious of any of their looks and wanted to look like they did. I probably did feel like girls were what I wanted to look like lol, but I thought that was part of attraction.

Anyhow. First attempt was so so. Lip gloss seemed a bit watery. Did not really seem to do much for me -I found a little pocket mirror and was not liking what I saw. Nail polish, my application was a bit streaky no matter how hard I tried lol. Not tried the eye shadow yet, I started getting a bit 'deflated' because I started to feel a bit like I was in drag (no offense intended to anyone who likes to just crossdress etc). This does not make me feel validated or female. It actually has the opposite effect for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and more 'male trying to be something I cannot be'. Will give it another go, but I think I need to at least start with the facial hair removal / manage my weight a bit more before I try this.

What you said about my aunt, you are right I think it would be good for me to at least go there for breaks. She seemed to be quite open, and hopefully will still remain so (even if I started taking the hormones or doing other things). It's funny you saying about me being repressed because thats what Dr Curtis put in his diagnosis/impression. I think thats partly myself (thinking it wrong/burrying it/ignoring it/feeling guilty etc) and partly because living at home for so long (due to the OCD) its hard to get privacy & explore anything. That being said, for a long time OCD was ruling my thoughts so not much room (or energy) for anything else.

I think we fit people roles we are more comfortable and used to them being in. My parents probably do that with me, and yes I am well over 18 and should be independant. Having OCD so badly robbed me of a lot of that independance, and I allowed people to do things for me because I could not. Now I am slowly starting to do things for myself, and the Gender Dysphoria popped right out its a big change in role.

I do need to start standing on my own two feet, and I hope that as time goes on I will do so. One I think this issue at least is going to do for me is hopefully make me stronger (or kill me lol).

[Aprilrain]

Wow, I don't know why you say you are not an attractive male? I like the way you styled your hair, very cute and I'm sure with your British accent (I know it's not an accent over there) you'd have many girls enraptured here. That being said I know that is not what you want to hear. It's my pet theory that you need to be reasonably good looking as a male to be be the same as a female. It's actually uncanny how much you look like my sisters exhusband, who is also British. They must be cloning you guys over there! Lol.

MAKEUP! This is one of my favorite topics, right up there with relativity and quantum mechanics. Will they ever get the two to agree?....... I digress. Forget pressed powder. Loose powder yes, Pressed powder no. With all foundations You kinda need to buy this in person because the point is to match it to you skin tone which you usually do by putting a little on your hand right there in the store to see if it matches. Most women have a couple different colors for summer and winter since most people are usually more tan in the summer. This might not be an issue where you live I don't know. I've only been to Scotland and summer there was like fall or spring here. Seriously. I've heard it's quite balmy in Cornwall though. Anyway, yes you will want blush unless you are going for the vampire look. Since this should be subtle you can play around with various shades to achieve different moods. Pink, cute and innocent, red sensuous and elegant sort of thing. All the cosmetic companies have eye shadows designed for eye color and this is a good place to start. Of the lesser expensive brands I like Alamey as it tends to not irritate my eyes as much. Lol. I have more to say on this subject but have to go for now. Bye

[Deborah_UK]

I know your post is long and well considered, so I feel wrong in only focussing on the bit about using makeup, Once again you are beating yourself up expecting miracles from day 1. Don't forget you are new to being a woman, even teenage girls experiment with cosmetics and take a while to find their "look". Expertise with cosmetics is not genetic, it takes practice, we all make mistakes - I had a colleague at work mention I'd overdone the eyeshadow recently, and I was pleased with her input. But on the bright side, my beautician (and her mum) compliment me on my make-up - but its taken years to reach this point, and Im still learning.

So stop beating yourself up all the time!

[RachelDee]

I thought I had replied to this earlier, I made quite a long post which seems I did not click 'Post' on. Oh dear.

No its ok Deborah, its fine. What I said in the post that didnt post was that I noticed my 'positive' thread has come down to my insecurities/problems and fears again. I am on a bit of a rollercoaster of 'optimism' and 'not so much'. I had just come back from London when I posted this so I was feeling 'elated' a bit that I had finally gotten this dark cloud out in the open. I suppose I started falling down a bit as certain realities started to set back in again. I do need to get a councillor or someone, am just hopeful that my GP can find me someone in the area (or at least close enough to visit every month or so).

I just find it a bit of a struggle when I am doing things of the opposite gender, and suddenly become very aware of the fact that I am a male. It was one of the reasons I started disassociating myself as a crossdresser because the whole point of being a crossdresser was, well liking to crossdress lol. Where as I felt bad about my gender identity, and the crossdressing didnt seem to offer much of a relief (it often made me feel worse because as I said, I became more aware of what I was physically).

Currently trying again XD painted my nails, not so streaky this time! But I need to buy something called 'base coat' ? Also a top coat!?

I know its going to take time to get good results :) and I could do with all the help I can get lol (so thanks April & yourself for the input).

[JohnH]

A base coat and a top coat are clear. The base coat strengthens the nail and keeps the dye from saturating the nail. The top coat protects the pigmented nail polish from chipping. There is Sally Hansen Ultimate Shield that can server as both the base coat and the top coat. Another item I have is Sally Hansen Dries Instantly top coat. That dries faster than the Ultimate Shield.

And it also helps that you use several thin coats of the pigmented nail polish instead of one thick coat.

Anytime I put on makeup I do so subtly. I really don't have the look down very well and I don't want it to be conspicuous - particularly when I am otherwise drab (except for my natural long hair).


Johanna

[RachelDee]

I was actually thinking of some sort of clear polish that I could use to make my nails look good, but not be coloured - then I might be able to get away with it day to day while not dressed as a girl?

Actually you also have a point. By nature I am quite a retiring person, I often do my very very best to stay out of the spotlight and to fade into the background. Soooo yeah, its quite an opposite thing to be female. Well. In terms of make-up and so forth, its like "Look at me! I look good" lol. I don't think I can get away with such a statement ;) but id like to do subtle if possible. Will just take time, and perhaps its going to take longer as I try to wrestle with some of these demons that keep poping up.

I have spent most of my life 'beating myself up' in order to make my expectations of life realistic. I don't think its done me any favours really, and its a tough habbit to get out of. I am working on it, so please bare with me :)

[JohnH]

Clear nail polish is OK for being in drab. In fact, when I used nail polish on my fingernails I used the following colors even while being in drab:

Gun metal blue
Black
Dark grey
copper

Johanna

[Aprilrain]

Ok I'm back, were was I? Oh yes! Eyeshadow, my favorite. So like I was saying make it easy on your self and try some of the shadows packaged for certain eye colors. At the grocery stores here they have the eye shadow next to the liner and mascara thatbshould go well with your eye color. I personally like Lancome eye liner because it docent irritate my yes as much as cover girl or Almay and it goes on easy. There are a lot of suggestions on how to cover up your beard shadow in beauty forum I'd go there for specifics on foundation, concealer and finishing powder. Personally I have accepted that I'm going to notice my shadow no matter what I put on because I'm staring at myself in a mirror in front of bright lights. If I put on enough make up to where I don't see it anymore than I'm wearing too much make up. I don't think most people would notice it unless I pointed it out or they were looking for it. When we look at someone especially someone we don't know we give them a pretty cursory glance and then go back to thinking about whatever, also we rarly get to within a foot of someone elses face and stare at them like we do our selves when applying make up.
As far as lip stick goes I've read to stay away from plums if your trying to hide a beard shadow because it will tend to draw attention to it. One of my favorite colors that I have is in the plum family and I've gotten a compliment from a male no less on that color so you never know. Of course red is a classic look but I think a bright red is a bit dressy for what I tend to wear and this will be the hardest to apply well as it will really stick out if you screw it up. Other than that just try colors that catch your eye.
Invest in some decent brushes. You will at a minimum need a few eye shadow brushes, blush and powder brushes. A brush for applying lip stick is nice and also an eye liner brush though not absolutely necceary at this point. Usually these are sold in sets and can range wildly in price. I have a very nice blush brush that cost me like $18 but it's worth it NEVER use the brushes that come with blush for applying blush to the cheeks, they suck and it won't look good. These are good for appling blush to the beard shadow area (reddish colors cancel out the bluish hue of most beards) (I put this on first then concealer, sometimes, then foundation then powder) anyway everyone has there own tricks for that read around and try different things.
Personally I only use lip gloss when I'm really getting dolled up because it's gooy and doesn't last long if your eating also it's a bit of a younger look which is fine for certain situations but I tend to find it to be a hassle.
I like pencil style eye liners. Haven't had much luck with the liquid or crayon style stuff.
For me the hardest things to do well are eye liner and nail polish. All I can say is practice practice practice. With your nails you will want to shape and buff them and cut off the cuticals. I've heard not to clip them but I do it anyway. Some brands are easier to apply well than others but a good result can be had from any of them with practice.
My method is to apply base coat and let this dry thoroughly like three times longer than what it says. Then apply the polish (technically laquer, but who cares?) let that dry for at least 12 hours then apply the top coat. After the top coat has dried for a whole day you can use the last stage of your buffer to lightly buff the top coat and it will look like the finish on a brand new car! Obviously your not going to sit around and do nothing while you wait for your nails to dry for hours and hours so as soon as they are dry to the touch you can do stuff but in my experience if you don't let each coat dry for a ridiculously long period of time the acetone in the new layer will start to dissolve the old layer. It will do this anyway but if it's supper dry it takes longer.

[RachelDee]

Thanks for all the advice April :) I bought a few more things.

Eye liner / mascara / blush and lipstick (lip gloss didn't seem to be that good but I didn't buy an expensive one).

I have some brushes but they were not expensive either. I figured I'd start off with the basics and practise with the inexpensive stuff first.

I'm not far enough along for this to be used out and about right now, so I'm the only one who will see it. Plus I'm on a tight budget lol. Need money for other things.

I must admit I did enjoy the eye liner (pencil) / mascara =] made me feel quite good. Even though I was hopeless at it lol. I liked how my face looked with it! It made my eyes look feminine and I got some sense of satisfaction from that.

My problem with the eyeliner was that it seemed to leave a pink 'gap' between my eye and eye lash. So it looked clownish lol. I read online that you are supposed to apply it between the eye and eyelash? Which seems *very* close to the eye. I did try it and it did look better but, was hard to apply there as it didn't seem to go on.

Maybe I just need a better eyeliner pencil.*

Also was very hard to get off! Make up remover there is impossible between the eye and eyelash!

I got some blended eye shadow but the one they sent was not the right colour. I thought I was getting a browny/goldish type colour and what I got was White/Silver and Black lol.

I hope to start facial hair removal at some point soon! But am not having much luck finding somewhere local.

Oh and I got some base coat for my nails which I'm using on a daily basis now :) it's not that noticeable just makes them look shiny! But it's supposed to strengthen them etc so hopefully will do good.