Breakthrough?

[Gennifer]

My wife and I stayed in the other night, had some wine, chocolate, watched a little TV, and talked. At some point during the evening, she told me that she had told several of her friends that I was a crossdresser. I was surprised, these are women I know, too, and I had no idea they knew. And, apparently, they have known for quite some time. My wife said they were fine with it, and pointed out that they haven't treated me any differently when they have seen me, which is true.

My wife also asked me if I was ever going to tell my children (31 and 34 years old) because, as she said, "it's part of who you are, and it't okay to be who you are." I said I might tell them at some point, but that I was not ready to, yet.

I don't want to make too much of this conversation, but does it seem like a tiny seismic shift. I now know that more people know than I thought--I had shared this side of me with my brother and his partner a couple of years ago--and so the circle is a little wider. This feels okay, too, and makes me think about being more public, and more comfortable with being a little more out there, although I am still very private.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this. Thanks for listening.

[Sarahsarahcd]

you go girl! sounds like the circle is getting wider, i hope you take everything in time, it sounds like you are.

[Joanne f]

I think a lot of wive`s when they find out end up telling someone and it can go two ways as i found out , some will say it will make no difference to how they think about you while you might get the odd one that will say " oh i don`t see how you can put up with that and you should leave him" and they are inclined to be the most vocal on the matter but in your case it all seams very positive , and as for telling your children i would imagine at their age they already know more than you think and if you do not intend to come right out with it then just give then little snippets of it and they will understand what is going on .

[2SpeedTranny]

Women are nearly incapable of keeping secrets. And yes, there have been scientific studies done. :heehee:

[Angiemead12]

Im in the same arena as you at the moment, My family and friends know, whats next? Should I step out more and just be me or should I just keep it to what it is and continue with just staying home to keep the peace.

Let me know what you get around too.

[Charise52]

I think most of my freinds know... my kids will figure it out... as I always wear jeans and tops and ear rings... we shall see... I will not hide it... the skirts and dresses are for my private time... (and I have worn skirts in public before)

[sissystephanie]

Gennifer, I told my late wife I was a CD when I proposed to her. She not only accepted me but was totally supportive. But we never told anybody else, and never even told our 2 children. Although I underdressed most of the time, I never outwordly dressed around them. They learned that I was a crossdresser after my wife died 6 years ago. Of course they were both fully grown and married by that time. They both told me that they didn't care what I wore as long as I was decent, but did ask me not to wear dresses or skirts around them!! Sorry, Karren, I do wear jeans and nice tops a lot of the time!

[deebra]

Your wife broke the trust between the two of you, I would be angry at her and if any more questionable things come up I definately would not tell her. She was wrong!!

[Sally24]

The circle of people in the know does slowly enlarge on it's own. We told our best friends and one sibling of my wife. That led to the other 4 siblings and their spouses finding out too. If things go well you just get more open about who you are.

[Jonianne]

Wonderful! That is how things will change for us.

[NicoleScott]

Your wife broke the trust between the two of you, I would be angry at her and if any more questionable things come up I definately would not tell her. She was wrong!!

Maybe all's well that ends well, but this is a reversal of the broken trust issue usually discussed here. All the people who bash guys for hiding their cd-ing from their wives: where are you? Where's your disapproval?

[DonniDarkness]

You seem to be ok with it, and so does everyone else.

I guess you could just consider it an unlikely surprise.

I am out to my wife and my cousin.....i suspect my sis-inlaw (long story)....
Now it makes me think who else knows... that i dont know, knows...

Maybe ill find out later on and be the last to know..... :)

-Donni-

[aprilgirl]

For me, if my wife wanted to share it with her friends I would like to know beforehand. That would lend itself as an opportunity for discussion and chances are I would be okay with her reasoning or need to do so. Bottom line, you seem fine by your wife's actions and your feelings are all that should matter.

[Holly]

Maybe all's well that ends well, but this is a reversal of the broken trust issue usually discussed here. All the people who bash guys for hiding their cd-ing from their wives: where are you? Where's your disapproval?I'm right here. It was wrong of her to share with her friends without her partner's knowledge. I'll also offer the same advice I'd give in the other situation. It is time to forgive and move on. Make the best of the situation... which in this particular case seems as if it may turn out to be quite positive. Establish ground rules for the future; "Honey please let know in the future when you are thinking of telling anyone else about me. This is a highly personal issue for me and I would appreciate so much your understanding in this."

[Alberta_Pat]

I too have to agree that this may not have been the best way for things to proceed. There is an element of trust in any relationship, and the trust between partners over rules the trust of other relationships.

This disclosure should really have been "approved" by you before your partner shared it.

However, now that the cats are out of the bag, you will have a real hard time herding them back.

Enjoy, and hope that this causes no problems for you.

[Rianna Humble]

How many of those of you who are rushing to condemn what Gennifer apparently finds acceptable although surprising actually know for a fact that Gennifer had asked her wife not to talk to anyone about it? Until we know what was or was not said in previosu conversations between Gennifer and her wife, we cannot say whether or not there was a breach of trust.

I agree that in an ideal world, Gennifer's wife would have warned her who she was going to discuss this with, but unlike the condemnation brigade, I think it is totally unreasonable to impose on a loved one that they must try to come to terms with this without the right to talk to anyone about it.

From the ending of the OP, it seems that discussing it has brought about a positive change in attitude from Gennifer's wife, so why do we want to condemn her for becoming more positive?

[Gennifer]

Wow, I didn't expect all these responses! The conversation is really interesting and I really appreciate everyone's thoughts.

Actually, when my wife told me that she had told her friends I was, on one level, a bit pleased. Does this mean I am just too cowardly to tell others about me? Maybe. But my wife and I have a very strong relationship and she knew about my crossdressing for several years before we were married. And although she was never really negative about my dressing (she did, after all, help my pick out my first wig) I knew that on one level she was nervous when she first found out. She wondered at first if we "were on different paths." In one way, then, her telling others a while back after we had been married for a while feels a little like her saying, I really accept you for you are. (She also mentioned that it would be okay with her if I wore mascara out to a lgbt bar we sometimes go to together). It's all really complicated (Really! When hasn't it been!?).

Bottom line, I am feeling more like I can be myself and I don't have to be as worried about how she will react. For me, this feels good and at the same time a little scary. It's like I have been given permission to move on, and I am the one who needs to take those steps. Now I am just trying to take things a day at a time.

[CaitlynRenee]

WOW, How to respond to this? My VERY mature and sophisticated TG/BI college freshman had suspected about me for a long time. It was during a very personal, late night discussion about her own journey into her gender identity that something 'clicked'. I realized how hard it must have been for her to trust the one person most teenage girls would have difficulty trusting on the subject. Sure, a friend (male or female), a teacher or counselor, maybe even her mother, but her she was opening up to me, her Dad. That took guts. Well, one thing led to another, and over a hot cup of coffee, she said she thought I would have a better take on things than anyone else. My response?? "Well, as a matter of fact, I think I do." I told her that she was right about her suspicions about my being TG/CD, that I had been all my life and did it make any difference to her? She just gave me a big hug and with a tear in her eye, said it was nice not to feel all alone.

Fast forward, three months ago she asked me if it was okay to tell a TS friend of hers who had difficulty with her parents and who was quite sad, about me. At my age, it doesn't matter so I told her to go ahead. Her friend 'Sam's reply when she/he saw how close my girl and I am, was YEAH DAD!

Good luck to you...............

BTW, Just looking at my generic avatar, I'll say, it LOOKS, about like I FEEL.

[Eryn]

What I'd be worried about is that the "circle of friends" would enlarge to a "circle of casual acquaintances" whose members might not be as accepting and who might be able to cause the CDer harm in their employment or social life.

I can trust my wife to keep a confidence, I cannot trust her friends to do the same.