Explaining Crossdressing

[KrystalA]

Let me start by saying it can't be done. Explaining why one crossdresses to someone who doesn't, is sort of like tryng to explain a particular sound to someone who has never been able to hear.
For years, I've been wanting to come out to my children, but try as I might, I could never come up with a way to explain it. First off, I know they'd be disapproving right from the get-go, and they'd ask me why I do it, and trying to make them understand and sympathise would be impossible because....well, just because.
My SO is very approving of my CDing, and she doesn't ask why I do it, so I didn't have to explain it to her, thank God. But I know my children, and they'd never approve. I couldn't bare to lose their love and respect, so I guess I'm just stuck. :sad:

[Angiemead12]

Im trying to think of a strategy on how to educate my 14 year old son as well. I was thinking of telling him how I was playing a game in real life and that the end goal of the game is to be convincing in both sexes. :) Kinda lame but thats all I got now.

[Megan Thomas]

Might it help to first try and understand why our children may be dissaproving?

Some food for though: Many or most of us spend a lot of time during our children's formative years to be honest and truthful. We often end up punishing naughtiness or downright dishonesty. So have we set a standard for our children which we then ask them to transcend?

Are the children who received the strictest upbringing in a typical nuclear family the very children who least accept us?

As for a strategy... My advice is be honest, brace yourself for the worst, and hope for the best. Children are perhaps the most forgiving people in this world.

[juno]

Children in the US used to grow up racist, and thought that interracial relationships were immoral. Now, most young people don't see it as strange at all. They learned racism from the adults.

The best thing to do is to come out to children as young as possible, and ideally never be "in the closet" around them. Unfortunately, most women have a strong protective instinct, and want to shield them from anything that has the slightest chance of being a bad influence. So, it is generally hard to sell this idea to the mother.

My inexperienced advice is to ask the children to explain why cross dressing is bad. You can give examples, such as why women get to wear men's clothes and nobody cares. Hopefully, children don't have such strongly embedded biases, and can actually accept their own logical reasoning that there is really nothing inherently wrong with cross dressing, but that it is just unusual. Of course, I would also tell them that society is biased, and that it is OK if they don't feel comfortable sharing this with their friends, or perhaps that you don't want them sharing with their friends.

[KrystalA]

Perhaps I should have made it clear that my children are not little kids. They are in their late 20s and early30s. Makes it a bit toughter.

[Michelle 51]

I don't have the answer but I know how you feel.My oldest daughter knows(she 35) but won't talk about it and the other 3 are probably suspicious.Like you I want to clear the air but not sure how to go about that yet.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Explaining to our children about how WE are different as a CD/TG, kind of goes hand in hand with our teaching them why they should be accepting and nonjudgmental of any person who is not like themselves.

I hope that we all have done a good job raising our kids to be respectful of others. If we have done a good job of accepting the differences in all people, with the love they hold for you as their parent, it should be a no brainer for them to accept and love you.

[Loni]

if your children care about you or even love you then there should not much of a problem, have you "tested" the water to speak?

a closed mind is a stagnate one,
a open mind needs to be careful or it all just falls out.

go very slow and do not expect them to just open up, but you just might be surprised in your children

.

[Roberta Marie]

I like Megan's response. We need to listen to those that we love to try to understand their perspective.

And, just because they are older does not mean that it will be harder to teach them. To paraphrase Will Rogers , I was amazed at how dumb my father was when I was 18 and at how smart he had become by the time I turned 25.

My wife and I have 5 kids between the ages of 35 and 19. We told all of them them about my crossdressing about 2 years ago, and they all have come to different levels of acceptance. The biggest barriers to their understanding, I think, have been their losing their lifelong image that they have had of their father, the fact that I had lied to them for all of their lives while teaching them to do the opposite, and that I had kept this part of me from them, that I had denied them the complete knowledge of their father. And while, for the most part, they are still reluctant to talk to me about it, they do speak to their mother about it, and she has been wonderful in trying to explain my reasons to them, although there are still many things that she does not understand and is trying to come to terms with.

I will agree that we can never explain to someone what what it is like to crossdress, I think we can help them understand why. Scientists, for many years without being able to see particles at a sub-atomic level, have been able to describe and understand the characteristics or sub-atomic particles.

The last few people to whom I have tried to explain why I crossdress, I have tried to explain that there is little, if anything, that exists in this world as a dichotomy, even though, when we first start to learn about a subject, it might be easier to understand it in binary terms. There is little that can be described as either/or, black or white, hard or soft, sooth or rough, easy or hard, positive or negative, and yes, even male or female and masculine or feminine. I try to give them some examples of how people can be intersexed, existing as both man and woman. There are also people that while have the physical attributes of a man, may identify as a woman, and vice versa. But, like everything else in this world, some people may identify both masculine and feminine, somewhere in between the extremes. This is where I am, sometimes I feel more masculine, and others more feminine.

This approach seems to help them understand.

[Roberta Marie]

if your children care about you or even love you then there should not much of a problem

I have no doubt that my children love me, but there have been many problems with them trying to understand that I crossdress. Just because there is love does not mean that there will be instant acceptance and understanding, or even that acceptance and understanding will ever occur. It does improve the chances for acceptance and understanding, but it does not guarantee it. If it did, these forums would have very few posts.

[Pythos]

Explaining Crossdressing: In a nutshell

1) You take off all your male clothing including underwear
2) You put on clothing that for some reason is limited to women
3) You style your hair in a style that also for some reason is limited to women only
4) You put on makeup that was once the domain of both men and women, and yet for some reason is only for women for the most part.
5) You can opt to take on a "female" behavior, or just be yourself.
6) Oddly you hurt no one, you love yourself, and you look great for the most part.

There it is, that is all.

Of course I am being purposely simple. That's because I think we do what the FAA does with some maneuvers, and that is we overcomplicate it. We feel we need to hide what we do, especially from our offspring. All that does is make it something to be ashamed of. This gets us no where.

[Karren H]

At that age they will know what crossdressing is... They just won't know why their dad had to be one!

[BillieJoEllen]

Anything sexual in nature or that can be perceived as such must adhere to strict guidelines or else it is known as perverse or abnormal. If it doesn't follow 'married' and faithfully adhere to the 'missionary' style then it quickly jumps the boundaries of what most people are comfortable with.

[linnea]

Perhaps I should have made it clear that my children are not little kids. They are in their late 20s and early30s. Makes it a bit toughter.

Two years ago I told my grown children (ages 38, 36, and 29 at the time). They were surprised and amazed that I had kept the secret so long and so well. My daughter and the youngest had a load of questions; she and her husband were staying with me when I told them, and they have been incredibly supportive and accepting ever since. My sons had almost no questions; with one of them, the topic has not come up again. The other bought me a pair of women's sandals in my size (difficult to find because my big feet) and has joked more than talked with me about crossdressing. The joking has been friendly, not mocking or unkind.
I don't have a formula for this; in my case, I could not bear the secretiveness and the lies that resulted from my efforts to have my crossdressing remain secret. There have not been any repercussions; I don't live near any of them, so unless invited, I would not see them en femme (my daughter and her husband not only invited me but also gave me a "coming out" party with about thirty of their friends).
I won't say that it was easy, but I will say that I don't regret having done it.

[TGMarla]

I admit that I have a hard time explaining it even to myself. I do it because I must, and I must because..... because........ Well.....lots of intangible reasons I can't easily explain.

[AlanaBCD]

I admit that I have a hard time explaining it even to myself. I do it because I must, and I must because..... because........ Well.....lots of intangible reasons I can't easily explain.

I feel exactly that way too... I think...

[erica12b]

how to explain a need-craving -want -must - at times , is like explaining faith, or the soul, when its hard to explain to our self’s how can we explain it to others ? As a community we must make an effort - yet cant there for we are not taken seriously, and saying it just is will not work

Very good question, I have no answer, ask some one to stop breathing and then explain why the felt the need to breath or why there hart wanted to pump yet both are physical needs (to stay alive)

Good question

[Gerrijerry]

That is so easy to explain. All CD and TS woman have been taken by aliens then returned to earth. IT happened for most in the hospital right after birth. A program implanted to see what will happen. You can not be unprogramed.

[Stephanie47]

Before I can explain it to my children, who are in their thirties, I have to explain it to myself. I know how I feel when I am enfemme. I can't explain what made me a cross-dresser. Strip off all the clothing you wear and everybody is naked. You may be attracted to members of the same sex or the opposite sex, but, that has nothing to do with clothing. I cannot come up with a reason to explain this to my wife. Why do I wear makeup, a wig, a bra (I have no boobs).....? Why do I get the urge to cross-dress? Other times I look like a bum in a holey tee shirt, cut off shorts and sneakers? The cross-dressing started in my teens. I was not dressed as a girl by any female members of my family. My sister was not born until I was in my teens- no chance she dressed me up. I did not have an urge to go to a Halloween party as a girl- just your ordinary garden variety of ghost or ghoul. Hopefully, I'll pass on before my wife, so she'll clean out the wardrobe and nobody else will know. I'm not about to reveal myself to my kids so we can all ignore the 'big elephant in the room.'

[julia ann]

I dreaded for years the ineividabilty of my children finding out, thought about how I should tell them, what I would say, what if they hate me? Well they came across daddy"s stash in the attic and said nothing untill one day an article of womens clothing was being gnawed on by one of our puppies. My wife held a great inquisition, the whole family, me, her and my three boys. Where did this come from?, which one of your girlfreinds left this here? Your all grounded for the rest of your lives unless I find out...." We all thought it was dads", I had to come clean at that point, they were all fine with it, they had known for a good number of years and said nothing.... the funny thing was even after coming clean and feeling better about myself, the clothing in question was NOT mine and is still a mystery to this day, I think one of them set me up to flush me out finally only time will tell as know one has come clean yet. which I am okay with also.

[Eryn]

At that age they will know what crossdressing is... They just won't know why their dad had to be one!

They _may_ know what crossdressing is. OTOH, they are likely to have exactly the same misconceptions as the mainstream public.

[Kate Lynn]

when folks ask me why I wear womens clothes,and shoes,I tell them I'm an undercover cop,that always quiets them. :eek:

[ReineD]

My inexperienced advice is to ask the children to explain why cross dressing is bad. You can give examples, such as why women get to wear men's clothes and nobody cares.

Sorry Juno, and with all due respect, this argument is a huge pet peeve of mine. :wall:

You don't want to say this to kids. They are smart enough to know that their moms and sisters shop in women's stores, for clothes that are specifically designed for women and not for men. If you tell your daughters they are wearing men's clothing when they wear jeans, they will look at you as if you have horns growing out of your head. :p

[TGMarla]

I agree with Reine. It's a tired argument. Women are not crossdressing. They never began wearing pants simply because they love wearing pants. It was a utiliarian necessity. Women on farms, for instance, have been wearing pants for eons. And when women began working in factories during the second world war, they wore pants to work so that they could work without the encumberence of floaty skirts or high heels. Delicates just don't work in factories.

Some men may have looked on the trend with disdain, but I'm guessing not too many women had any problem with it. But if you run around sporting a dress, it's likely that most women will look on it as a bit strange, but almost all men are going to have a real problem with it. It's sort of humorous to compare the situations side by side, isn't it?

And like so many others, when I dress, I put on a wig and wear a set of false breasts. I place prosthetics on my hips to enhance my butt and hips. Last time I checked, not too many women are hiding their breasts, wearing strap-ons, or wearing short hair wigs in men's styles.

And kids know this, too. Mommy isn't crossdressing. Daddy is. You'd best choose your words with them very carefully. Kids like to yap to their friends, and nothing sworn to secrecy will ever remain a secret. So it'll be out there once you tell them.

[Stephenie S]

CDing can NOT be explained. Someone touched on this earlier in the thread. You just CAN'T explain it. Do you understand it yourself? No. No you do not. You couldn't even explain it to yourself, so how can you expect to explain it to another? You can't.

So stop worrying about it. Besides, what is needed is not explanation. What is needed is ACCEPTANCE. Ask your children to accept you. Ask your spouse to accept you. Ask your pastor and your congregation to accept you. Stop trying to explain it to them. It can't be done. Ask for acceptance.

S

[busker]

Children in the US used to grow up racist, and thought that interracial relationships were immoral. Now, most young people don't see it as strange at all. They learned racism from the adults.


If I'm reading this correctly, I believe that you are mistaken. Just find any group of small children playing together from mixed ethnicities and you will see that they could give a hoot about race. As a child, I can't ever remember having "racial thoughts". The Civil Rights movement and Brown vs BOE decision were the big news factors.
You are correct that PARENTS who have strong racial bias are the culprits and fill their children with all sorts of hateful thoughts--and so do parents with extreme religious ideas. The Ministry of Parental Propaganda is in full tilt.
I just read something in the TIMES from the census that about 20% of marriages are now mixed. BUT, there is still a lot of racial bias in the land, and it is not lkely to ever go away--for many reasons.
Crossdressing is never going to be mainstream so we just have to reconcile ourselves to that fact. Besides, children don't have to know everything. Parents or adults are allowed to have a private life and maybe it should be that way. In the last 30 years or so, the tail has been wagging the dog anyway--children now control so much and parents tend to give up their parenting roles. Children have some rights, but there still need to be adults in charge.:2c:

[Pythos]

Renie, and Marla. You two should really do some research.

Women were more than disdained for wearing men's clothing, in fact one very famous person was burned at the stake with cross dressing as part of her reason for getting torched.

No no no. Women at first DID NOT shop in the women's section for WOMEN'S trousers....because they did not exist.

The argument may be tired, but it is not invalid. Women fought for, and gained the right to wear pants. They also went through quite a bit of hell from intolerant men. Girl's jeans are relatively new.

No, what needs to be said to the kids is simply this. Double standards are wrong, and you as a CD will not enforce those same double standards that used to say, "girls can't play footbal., girls can't play baseball, girls can't run businesses, girls can't fly airplanes, or drive cars." You know, all the claptrap that used to get fed to women ages ago....and sadly even now a days is still present.

By the way. The leather skirt I have, along with the only gray one I have....I got in the MEN'S section of a thrift store. Doesn't make it any easier wearing them without some disdain from others.

[ReineD]

Krystal, sorry to have gotten distracted by the "women are CDing when they wear pants" thing, I never did respond to your OP.

I understand that it's impossible to fully explain what it's like to be transgender to someone who isn't. It's like trying to fully explain what it's like to be a parent to someone who never had kids, but even more difficult since people don't see CDers every day.

But, your kids are old enough to have some basic understanding of alternate gender IDs and sexuality. They may even have friends who don't fit exactly within the binary definitions. You might find a good website that explains it further, but when you talk to them, instead of getting into a definition of a CD, you could focus on the emotional impact. You could talk about how you felt growing up and having different urges than the other boys, how difficult it was to come to terms with it, both within yourself and with your wife, how it makes you feel when people insist on hanging on to their bias based on no other knowledge than a few sketchy stereotypical images, and how you struggled all your life feeling that your family and friends would love you less if they knew. You could talk about the shame, the guilt, the self-deprecation, and the positive feelings you get when you do dress, and when you are with people who don't put you down for it.

Just a thought.


--------------



Women were ...

There you go! lol. It's simply not true any more. And I doubt it was even true then. These sure don't look like men's pants to me! :)

151327

[Stephanie47]

I'm with Marla and Reine on this issue. Wearing the clothing of the opposite gender is not necessarily cross-dressing in any clinical sense. I'm a product of the 1950's and 1960's. Back then females, young or old, did not customarily wear male clothing. There was a limited amount available, if any. I don't know because I never saw any females wearing male clothing. There was one exception. She was Linda, AKA 'Charlie.' She was our center fielder and a darn good one. She loved playing baseball. She wore boy jeans and a tee shirt. She was perceived as a 'tomboy.' I kind of wonder how she turned out? If women could play baseball as entertainers during World War II, why couldn't she play baseball in the 1950's? When Joe Namath disclosed he wore pantyhose to guard against the cold, there was some ribbing. However, he did not wear pantyhose as a sexual turn on. Now there are lines of male pantyhose for the same reason. There is no sexual aspect to them. During World War II women in the factories wore functional clothing. Nobody looks at a woman wearing jeans and a flannel shirt and declares she is a cross-dresser or a lesbian. There is no sexual aspect to her wearing such garb.

On the other hand. I, as a cross-dresser, love wearing female hosiery, high heels, a bra and girdle, a slip and a dress. Through a wig on! Throw on some makeup. What is the functionality of it? Zero. Back in the 1960's I bought, strictly for fashion sense, underwear of a nylon nature for men. Wearing it for its intended purpose, it was a mistake. Wearing nylon in a high temperature, high humidity environment was a mistake. I had to get back to my cotton absorbing Jockey shorts and tee shirts.

There is no valid argument that women wear male clothing, so why can't I freely wear feminine garb as described above. It is an aberration to the norm. Is it harmful? Obviously, it is harmful to some relationships and not others. I wear female clothing for reasons other than comfort. If I want to be comfortable, see me is the cutoff shorts, cotton tee shirt and sweat socks. There is nothing comfortable about a long line bra, girdle and stockings. But, how I love them! I love the stimulation of the cool air snaking up my dress during the cool nights or winter. My wife thinks I'm nuts. Back in the day, she wore mini-skirts and pantyhose waiting for the bus in freezing weather. She hated it. Now she wears more comfortable attire.

When I'm en femme it is not for comfort. Why? I still don't know!

[ReineD]

Wearing the clothing of the opposite gender is not necessarily cross-dressing in any clinical sense.

I appreciate all your points, Stephanie, but even the statement above can lead a CDer to believe that pants are, well, opposite gender clothing for women. :p Women have appropriated wearing pants since it all started, so the above description doesn't apply. When women wear pants, they are wearing female clothing ... (edited to add - except F2Ms, who wear men's pants).

PS. My mom wore pants in the 50's. In English, she called them 'slacks', a different name than 'pants'. But, in French it is the same word: 'pantalon'. I wore pants and shorts in the 50's too.

[Pythos]

Reine, you present a great pic, but what era, the 40s? I am not talking about the 40s. There was a time AFTER the 40s that women wearing this sort of attire were looked down upon by a majority of the population UNLESS it was worn for fashion shoots....much like how men in skirts at the moment are viewed.

Women mostly did not openly walk around doing erands and whatnot, wearing this sort of attire. That is not to say it was not done, it was just not all that accepted or popular.

Then sometime women started wearing pants as a primary part of their wardrobe.

Now that being said, you emphisized my word "were" I guess you are pointing out that that is in the past. YOu are correct.

So why is it a man wearing a skirt is still derided, and having his sanity questioned? Why does his manhood come into question?

Any way, what the hell does it matter anymore. Men should be able to wear what they want, just as women can.

Enough of the getting angry or upset when someone points out the fact right now it is not a level playing field when it comes to clothing.

[Danni Bear]

Pythos,

you are beating a dead horse with a broken club. I will agree with you in some respects in that some women's fashions are from men's fashions that have been modified for the female form. The also can be said for some male fashions. The only time most women crossdress is when they wear something of either their husband or boyfriend. very seldom will a woman wear male clothing as it does not fit a female form unless it is oversize.this includes pants or slacks as our hips and waists are different from mens and also the stride of them is considerably different between them.

Danni

[Pythos]

Okay, let me make this simple

SO WHAT?

So what most women don't wear item's of men's clothing. What does that matter.

That is not the problem. What the problem is men that wear clothing items that currently are only womens are painted with a broad "crazy" "perverted" "sicko" brush.

This is wrong, plain and simple.

And no, my GG wears her male roommates pants just fine, and she has hips, just is a smaller frame, so that rule about the fitting having to be right does not hold true all the time. All of my skirts fit me fine...they have not been modified, and I lack true hips, so that rule also got sunk.

It should not matter. No justifying a true double standard that should have gone away when women started wearing pants as their work attire.

[CaitlynRenee]

My youngest knows about Caitlyn but had never seen me dressed. She came home early one day, walked into my den and saw Caitlyn, all out fem, the whole shebang. She never missed a beat, said, "Hi Caity", came over gave me a kiss and hug, said "WOW, neat blouse. We've gotta go shopping, want a coke?".

I'm still grinning.