A matter of trust

[Briana90802]

This question goes out to everybody. My fiancée knows and supports my cding and I am very thankful for that. But I don't always tell her all the feelings that I have about it because I think some things are very private. I'm trying to be more open to her about things however it can be very hard to explain feelings or urges, especially when I don't even understand them fully. So the question becomes: does keeping certain things to yourself present an element of mistrust? Do SOs think that by us not telling them we have somehow mislead them?

For example: do you tell your SO everytime you(excuse the phrase), "discharge your firearm?" and should you be expected to?

So what is the level of trust that you have with your SO and is it betraying that trust to not disclose all your feelings about it?

[carhill2mn]

My advice would be to "be open" with her about things that she would like to know. But that, does not mean telling her "everything" as TMI is not good.

[ShannonDragon]

I agree with Carole. I have been married 32 years. My wife knew about me 5 years before we got married. I tell her many things of whats going on and such, but even then, there are still things I do not talk about.

And you know what? I bet she has stuff she doesn't talk about either.

[Noel_GG]

I think it all really depends on what you're refraining from discussing. You mentioned that "it can be very hard to explain feelings or urges, especially when I don't even understand them fully" but then give an example about masturbation, which I think are two different things. I want my SO to be open, even if she can't articulate why she needs to dress or when the desire hits her. I want to be able to better understand her (specifically her, not just open generalizations about crossdressing in general) and I want to listen to what she has to say. Doing so, in my opinion, feels like being the supportive role that I want to participate as.

And while I desire the open honesty in that capacity, I don't necessarily want to know about every sexual experience that happens when she's alone. If she were to tell me, I wouldn't mind but I don't desire to know about the physical release as much as I do with the intellectual aspect of crossdressing.

Ask your fiancee what she would prefer for the communication. I know you mentioned that you feel some things are private - perhaps you both can work out a level of communication and openness that is agreeable to both of you. It sounds like you already have a solid relationship.

[AllieSF]

Great advice from Noel with double the value because she is a GG. I also think that it depends on your current level of communication about most other things in your relationship. For example, some SO's do not really want to hear about the details of your professional life, but will really get into the conversation if you explain an issue at work that you are encountering and how you are trying to overcome it. Personal feelings, thought processes, personal fears and vulnerable moments are sometimes more important than other items. And, getting your fiancé involved in how you try to cope and understand your TG issues will bring her into the loop to help her better understand something later that you did not tell her about. As others have said, some details are definitely not necessary and sometimes lead to other unwanted problems. Good luck.

[MiamiMarie]

When you are clear and certain about your feelings, tell her about them. If you are deeply confused about your feelings, either say nothing, or tell her you're confused when confronted. Don't say anything with certainty regarding matters you are uncertain of, you'll just seem like a liar later.

There are things that should be private. Do you know exactly how many times she masturbates or what she thinks about when she does? If not, don't feel it necessary to volunteer your info.

Pick and choose what to tell her, but do not lie.

More importantly, I warn you to refrain fom any activity that pulls you out of the relationship. Because that's a big betrayal. For example, a little porn is fine. Becoming addicted/obsessed to porn that she could never possibly emulate is not. Buying a decent amount of clothes to express your femme self is fine. Spending out of your budget to create an overwhelming wardrobe is not. Do not consume yourself with activities that take you out of what's important to you and your girl, because that is what's paramount.

[Presh GG]

Hi,
I suggest you ask her if she has any questions as they pertain to you.
Please, Too many "I don't knows " or " Why do you ask?" only hurts the heart of your GF.

Best wishes,
Presh GG

[Mimi]

Hi--I believe that people have a right to their private thoughts, and it isn't always healthy to share everything. This could range from what you are privately fantasizing about while you dress (maybe imagining you are a woman, but with no intention of ever transitioning--I wouldn't need to know about that), or maybe your own confusion about what you want, and you aren't ready to share your thoughts with with your SO for fear of scaring her off. It think it also depends on your SO and her level of understanding--there are some GGs who might want to know every fear you have so they can talk you through it, while others could feel threatened or anxious by some of your confusion, and it would be better to refrain from mentioning these issues until you've resolved it, thus avoiding unnecessary conflict. Noel_GG and MiamiMarie both offer valuable insights.

And as ShannonDragon said, your SO may have her own private fears and concerns that she keeps to herself until she's worked them out, for fear of hurting you. And that should be her right as well.

[ReineD]

I guess it depends on how intimately close you want your relationship to be.

Some couples enjoy the feeling of being soul mates who share everything, while others prefer varying degrees of distance, down to the couples who can only be in their relationship if they see each other just on weekends.

Each level of intimacy is fine, providing both partners are on the same page. It wouldn't be good if you wanted to share everything with your SO, but she much preferred to keep half her life private from you for example. But, if you both seek a an equal amount of privacy and an equal amount of closeness, then there is no problem!

In my own relationship in the past, I would sense that my SO would rather I leave so that she could be by herself. We don't live together. I put this down to her feeling uncomfortable being herself in front of me, which did hurt. It did cause me to step back a bit in our relationship, although things are better now.

As to you not sharing the things you haven't worked out for yourself yet, there's nothing wrong with simply telling your gf you don't know the answer to her question, but you'll think about it and get back to her when you think you have an answer. :)

[t-girlxsophie]

I tell my wife everything its the least she should expect from me considering she supports my dressing 100%

[Debglam]

Some good advice here Briana, especially from the GG's.

Here are my :2c: based on my personal experiences.

Since coming out to my wife, there have been times where she didn't want to hear about it and there were times when she felt I wasn't telling her enough. There have been times when she wants to talk about it and times when she gets angry if I even joke about it. I have to take it minute by minute and guage how she is feeling.

This may sound crazy but I believe that we have to remember that we are the ones that "tipped the apple cart." If we are lucky to have a supporting, or even a tolerant spouse/SO that we love, I think that we, the CD'ers, need to be as flexible as we can. By communicating as much or as little as she would like, and by being totally honest, my wife and I are making slow and steady progress towards this being a "normal" part of our lives. I hope it continues.

I would also add that timing is obviously everything! If she is coming home from a tough day, it probably isn't the best time to bring up buying breastforms!

Good luck,
Debby

[suchacutie]

My wife and I started the exploration and adventure that is Tina, my feminine self. One of the important parts of this adventure has been the discussions of feelings and emotions. We are both interested in learning about this feminine creature we call Tina, so talking about emotions and desires, especially the ones that are NOT decided or understood are the most important/interesting. There is nothing like opening up your internal thought and uncertainties about being a woman to a GG! They live it, after all, and can relate to uncertainties and confusions about their native gender. Not only that, the intimacy of discussing questions that exist within your mind should bring you closer, especially if you are asking her to help you sort them out! It will also open her to discuss her own uncertainties within her life.

In many ways, this emotional togetherness has been the best part about Tina's existence for me!

tina

[Tanya C]

I believe that honest communication with your SO is essential for an accepting relationship. However, we cders don't always know everything there is to know about being transgender, and there are occasions when we may be at a loss to fully explain in words why we do what we do.
But if she truely loves you she will realize that you are not being evasive, you're simply struggling to find a way to enble her as a non-transgendered person to gain an understanding of what it is to be TG. And that is a difficult challenge to say the least.
In a way, it's like trying to explain the concept of color to someone who has never had sight.

[erickka]

Communication is the best way to maintain a healthy and loving relationship. I've been married for 27 years, and to this day, there are certain things that the wife and I keep to ourselves. I have to agree with Carole, that TMI is not good.