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View Full Version : Losing it, need some advice or help please



Vaerise
09-20-2005, 10:32 AM
Hi all

I am new here, I first join this forum a couple of weeks back as a friend has introduced this to me. I begin reading mostly here and felt that I might be a CDer like most of the members here.

I have seen a couple of members seek advice here and I felt that maybe I should do the same as well.

You see, I just recently seen a gender psychiatrist for my issues with Cross-Dressing, I never actually told him everything about myself though. He has so far prescribed me some anti-depressants, now I am told that it would take at least 2 weeks for it to take full effect. After taking the meds, I felt calmer and less depressed. However just a couple of days ago, I started to lose it again, feeling very depressed and unable to cope.

I am feeling like this because I am truly lost and confused, I really do not know what to do anymore.
I feel more feminine than masculine inside, and I always wanted to be a woman since my teenage years. I relish it when people make remarks that associated me with anything feminine. I also cry easily at scenes that seem too intense. I also hated my male self, I dislike my male face and the erections that comes with it every morning, what scares me is I do like man, and have sexual fantasies about some of them. (well the cute ones)

Despite all this I did not actually considered myself to be a TRUE transexual, I have read that a true transexual NEED a sex change and would knew it when they were at the age of 4 and 5.
Not only that, at some point of time I found woman sexually attractive, I also indulge in particularly masculine hobbies like miniature painting.

So here I am being very lost, confused and frustrated. I didn't think that I was in any sense a true transexual, but that feeling of wanting to be a woman is so strong that I cannot shake nor purge it off. And everytime I see a genetic woman it reminds me of how inadequate I am.

What do you girls think I should do? I am really at my wits end and at the verge of collapsing.

Lisa Golightly
09-20-2005, 10:37 AM
Tell all this to your gender psychiatrist... it is the information they need.

We can only talk about our own experiences really... that's why you need to talk to a professional.

Stlalice
09-20-2005, 11:48 AM
Vaerise,

Opening up to and talking about the thoughts and feelings that you have expressed in your post to a good gender therapist is hard to do. But it is also the only way to work through your feelings/issues and figure out just what and who you really are inside. Where the feeling that you are a transsexual is concerned the age at which you realize what is wrong varies greatly - it took me into my early 20's to finally put all the pieces together. Before that I only knew that there was something "different" or "wrong". Spent a lot of years after that in denial about it. It has only been since I came to terms with being transsexual and got into therapy that I've had anything like real peace.

Where your feelings about your sexual orientation are concerned the thing to remember is that gender identity, sexual orientation, and physical sex are entirely separate and distinct concepts. Who you are, who you love or are attracted to, and what body you have are all a part of what makes you who you are and there are NO wrong answers or combinations. If you can I would strongly recomend that you get a copy of "True Selves" by Brown and Rounsley and read it. It will help you understand a lot about what and who you are or may be. Hang in there kid, we have all at one point or another been where you are and most of us will be glad to share help and advice. :thumbsup:

Priscilla1018
09-20-2005, 12:03 PM
Hi Vaerise,

It is dificult to talk to someone at first but you have to be totaly upfront about it.The only way a therapist can help you is to know everything.Believe me,they won't be shocked or judgemental,mine was'nt.
It does take two to three weeks for the effects of the antidepressant to work completely.It takes that long to build up the level in your body that is best for you.You may also be experiancing panic attacks,your losing it.I would ask for a prescription for a mild tranquilizer to be taken only when you have an attack.
I have suffered from Depression for most of my life and I know what your going through.Anytime you want someone to talk to about this please PM me,I'm always available to a sister in need.

GypsyKaren
09-20-2005, 12:13 PM
Not every ts feels the need for surgery, I know I don't, and as far as "knowing" from the time you were 5, well lets face it, at 5 all you really know is how not to go to the bathroom in your pants. I started wearing my mother's clothes when I was 5, but that can easily be dismassed as childhood curiosity. It wasn't until I was 12 that I started doing it seriously.

You're on the right track, talking to a professional really helps, it has for me. As far as the meds go, try not to use them as a crutch. I've been on them all, but I've been able to wean myself down to just one, which I have to take because I'm bi-polar. Try to think of them as a temporary fix until you can settle yourself down. The key is learning to love and accept yourself, once you get to that point you got it made.

gypsyKaren

ChristineRenee
09-20-2005, 12:13 PM
I would agree with the other girls here who have suggested that you talk with a gender therapist about gender dysphoria. A professional in this area is much more qualified than we are to both listen to you and to help you understand yourself better and to provide you with answers as to how to come to terms with it. And remember that you always have a place here to come to for support. We are all here for each other and to help each other.;)

Rachel_740
09-20-2005, 02:48 PM
Hi all

I am new here, I first join this forum a couple of weeks back as a friend has introduced this to me. I begin reading mostly here and felt that I might be a CDer like most of the members here.

I have seen a couple of members seek advice here and I felt that maybe I should do the same as well.

You see, I just recently seen a gender psychiatrist for my issues with Cross-Dressing, I never actually told him everything about myself though. He has so far prescribed me some anti-depressants, now I am told that it would take at least 2 weeks for it to take full effect. After taking the meds, I felt calmer and less depressed. However just a couple of days ago, I started to lose it again, feeling very depressed and unable to cope.

I am feeling like this because I am truly lost and confused, I really do not know what to do anymore.
I feel more feminine than masculine inside, and I always wanted to be a woman since my teenage years. I relish it when people make remarks that associated me with anything feminine. I also cry easily at scenes that seem too intense. I also hated my male self, I dislike my male face and the erections that comes with it every morning, what scares me is I do like man, and have sexual fantasies about some of them. (well the cute ones)

Despite all this I did not actually considered myself to be a TRUE transexual, I have read that a true transexual NEED a sex change and would knew it when they were at the age of 4 and 5.
Not only that, at some point of time I found woman sexually attractive, I also indulge in particularly masculine hobbies like miniature painting.

So here I am being very lost, confused and frustrated. I didn't think that I was in any sense a true transexual, but that feeling of wanting to be a woman is so strong that I cannot shake nor purge it off. And everytime I see a genetic woman it reminds me of how inadequate I am.

What do you girls think I should do? I am really at my wits end and at the verge of collapsing.

Vaerise,

It sounds to me like you need to go back to your psychiatrist and tell him the whole story to let him make a decision based on the FULL facts. Subsequent to that you can think about his comments/advice and make a more informed decision about your future.

You are quoting what you have heared and been told in your post, for example, that a true transexual needs a sex change. Things are not that black and white. There are transexuals who live there life en-femme but never have surgery. There are no fixed rules for being transexual with when you first had your feelings of being female, having surgery, being sexually attracted to men, not being sexually attracted to women etc. I have been through 2 marriages, have 2 great children and now I have got to a time in my life where I have been able to admit to the world who I really am and do something about it.

Go and see your psychiatrist again and tell him everything. It doesn't matter if he diagnoses you as gender dysphoric. You still don't have to do anything about it if you don't want to or you can't, but at least you will know more about where your mind is.

I hope that helps you a little.

Anne

Vaerise
09-20-2005, 06:46 PM
I do my best to be upfront with my psychiatrist, although it can be rather hard to talk about it especially when the sense of guilt and shame overwhelms you.

Thanks for the great advice and just being here listening girls, it really helped made me feel that I am not alone.

Marlena Dahlstrom
09-20-2005, 08:35 PM
I do my best to be upfront with my psychiatrist, although it can be rather hard to talk about it especially when the sense of guilt and shame overwhelms you.

I know it's tough, but a psychiatrist is exactly the person you can talk to these things about without them judging you. Plus, since they're a gender therapist you can be sure they've heard the same kinds of things from other people.

DonnaT
09-20-2005, 08:37 PM
What, besides depression, does your therapist say about your gender issues? Reason I ask is, if he/she continues to discuss depression, then it's time for another therapist.

As for your TG/TS issues, you just need to keep talking about them until you finally reach a full understanding of your true self. Otherwise you may make a hasty dicission and regret it later.

Vaerise
09-20-2005, 11:00 PM
Sometimes the waking mind has to walk away from a complex puzzle it can't solve.

I remember an exercise involving "sending a letter" to the subconscious mind requesting help getting insights, clarity, and answers to tricky problems. The deeper mind can silently work on the problem in the background over a few days or weeks and draw together amazing connections from a wide variety of life experiences. Answers and possibilities will present themselves as dreams, sudden new thoughts, or just during the process of writing a diary or journal entry. Weird coincidences in the external world can give possible directions too. I'd imagine this technique would help anyone suffering and not knowing what to do.

Sometimes the dreams scares me more. But I try this method.


What, besides depression, does your therapist say about your gender issues? Reason I ask is, if he/she continues to discuss depression, then it's time for another therapist.

As for your TG/TS issues, you just need to keep talking about them until you finally reach a full understanding of your true self. Otherwise you may make a hasty dicission and regret it later.

Well, I just talked to him about it, he felt that my TG issues were because I was depressed. But its actually the other way around. Do any of you girls freeze up or become terrified when you enter the doctor's office, and what do you say to your therapist? Reason why I am asking is because, I really do not know what to talk about.

I am glad to get some response from the community. I am doing my best to cope, and I hope I will be of some help to others who are facing the same issues in the future.

/hugs

Rachel_740
09-20-2005, 11:08 PM
Well, I just talked to him about it, he felt that my TG issues were because I was depressed. But its actually the other way around. Do any of you girls freeze up or become terrified when you enter the doctor's office, and what do you say to your therapist? Reason why I am asking is because, I really do not know what to talk about.

I am glad to get some response from the community. I am doing my best to cope, and I hope I will be of some help to others who are facing the same issues in the future.

/hugs

I chat quite openly with my therapist. I felt comfortable with him right from the start. What I had trouble with was telling him in words - hearing it come from my own mouth - how I felt.

Is your therapist a gender specialist, or 'just' a therapist. If he is not a gender therapist it doesn't surprise me that he is just saying you're depressed. Remember, a gender specialist is a specialist in the field you are seeking help.

Anne

Stlalice
09-21-2005, 12:12 AM
Vaerise,

I get the feeling from your post that the therapist you are seeing is not a specialist in gender issues. The problem with a therapist that doesn't specialize in gender issues is that they often don't have a clue about what is causing your problems. They are NO MORE INFORMED OR EDUCATED about gender issues than most people that you might meet on the street and in fact may do you more harm than good. To find a therapist who DOES specialize in gender issues go to the web site for the International Foundation for Gender Education at www.ifge.org - check their professional listings for your area or call them and ask. If you call them you will be talking to a transperson who has "been there and done that" and they will give you good advice. You can also check with the local chapter of PFLAG and/or look in the local version of the LGBT Pride Pages phone book. If that fails PM me and I'll check the IFGE listings through members services. Hang in there kid, things will get better. :D :D

Joan of Art
09-21-2005, 01:06 AM
Hi Vaerise,
I was seeing a therapist about general issues and when I discovered my feminine side rising to the top, she suggested I find a gender therapist. I love my first therapist as we had a great relationship, but I admire her even more for her suggestion to find help from one who had an expertise in gender issues. I was blessed to find a good one. I have been able to talk about everything. All of it. I was doing that with the first one and to tell you the truth, part of my feeling better comes from getting it out. Talking with someone about it. There is no shame. There is no guilt. I want you to understand that, what I have found out, is that this is a journey of self discovery, at least for me it is. As the others have said, speaking the truth to one who understands us/you/me, is a liberating thing. Fear not. By asking for help here and knowing you're not alone is the first step. I can only share my experience with you as do the other girls and it is a comfort knowing I am not alone in my own walk. God Bless and, first make sure as has been said that your therapist has experience in our realm and then once you have the right person; just go ahead and get it out sister. It has changed my whole life. I only became aware of the HER inside me last Feb. She has been sleeping waiting for me to let her get to know me. And I love her. She is me.

Take it easy,
As you can see these girls are so cool. I've been away too long. Gonna' try to chime in a little more often.

Joan

Vaerise
09-21-2005, 08:52 AM
Thanks everybody. The Therapist I went to was actually mentioned on the TS roadmap, he seems to have dealt with at least 1000 transexuals in my area. I do hope I am talking to the right therapist, he has prescribed me more anti depressants with stronger effects. I am not hoping that he will say " yes your are tran, now here go and see an endorcrinologist", I just want to find out more about what is going down deep in.

It just seems pretty hard to accept the fact that I feel and want to be a woman when I do not seem to exhibit signs of transexualisms in my early days. I done quite a bit of research on other T-girls and they all mentioned that they knew something was wrong when they were really young.
Is anyone else like this here?

I really appreciate the feedback and advice.

Stlalice
09-21-2005, 12:52 PM
Vaerise,

Guess if your therapist has a good track record then staying with him is a good choice. I wouldn't be too worried about not having had the feelings of something being "wrong" or being a girl early on.There is such a thing as late onset transsexualism - it is not common but is by no means unheard of. On girl friend of mine didn't figure it out until she was in her forties - but is now post op and fully at peace with herself. What really matters is how you feel NOW. Be honest and open with your therapist and betwen you it should be possible to figure out whats right for you. :D

Kate
09-21-2005, 08:04 PM
After you posted to my thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=14923) I came and found this one. As you say; we do seem to be in the same boat to a large degree...


Not only that, at some point of time I found woman sexually attractive, I also indulge in particularly masculine hobbies like miniature painting.
...
but that feeling of wanting to be a woman is so strong that I cannot shake nor purge it off. And everytime I see a genetic woman it reminds me of how inadequate I am.

...I feel exactly the same way, and equally I have plenty of "male" interests. That does not seem to lessen the desire to be female though. Since I'm just as mixed up as you are, I cannot offer much help other than being another ear perhaps. However there are two things I will add;

1) Sexuality is totally seperate from gender. Do not let your sexuality, or taste in men vs. women, confuse the issue.

2) Antidepressants can take several weeks to work, and some can have really nasty side effects initially. Personally I have recently started taking some, and I went through a phase of extreme anxiety for example. Only now after about 3 weeks is there a perceptible positive effect in my case.