Outed at work, what to do

[GingerLeigh]

Ok, I know I've posted stuff about work my workplace before and I know it's getting tired. I've gone through the whole gauntlet of harassment at work and have somehow managed to persevere, so here is what I discovered along the way. This isn't for everyone, I'm still technically in the closet as I have not revealed Ginger to anyone outside the confines of this forum.

1) DON'T PANIC! Relax, there is life after being outed and it isn't as catastrophic as it may initially seem. I actually am fine with going to work under the suspicious eyes of my coworkers now, and am beyond caring what they think. Know that there are many in your shoes, and crossdressing is not as uncommon as people seem to think.

2) REPORT HARASSMENT TO HR! You can keep it confidential and still tell that bad things have been happening. Stuff kept happening to my car, locker, etc... and I was too afraid to say anything in fear that I had to tell them all, or that somehow by complaining about it was an admission of guilt. Total crap. Once people know you aren't going to put up with that kind of stuff and went to HR with it, they back off in a real hurry.

3) DON'T BECOME INTROVERTED! In a way to avoid confrontation or humiliating conversations with a group of coworkers, one could have a tendency to skulk away and avoid contact. Self isolation makes for a lousy workplace and allows the gossip to fester. It's tougher for them to talk about you if you're in their face!

4) BE A HAPPIER MORE HELPFUL PERSON THAN YOUR FORMER SELF! OK, they know. They will not outright tell you that they know, but they do. Be a pleasure to work with. Be happier than happy, be helpful, polite.... pull out the stops! It's easier for them to target you if you're a prick, or if nobody cares about you.

5) GROUPS WILL TARGET YOU ENMASSE. KEEP COOL! It seems to me that most individuals will not say or do anything to offend anyone, usually. When they are in a group however, they are emboldened. In some weird social pecking order thing they will try to humiliate you, as if making you small makes them big. Don't buy it. Don't even flinch. Give a good proper retort, one you would have given when you were just "one of the guys"! Make sure it makes the offender more embarrassed than you! I could offer examples, but this post will not make it out past the moderators if I did.

6) ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE! It makes it easier to defend yourself if you finally realize you are not the circus freak they say you are! There will be some that will defend you, accept you. Not everyone is out to get you.

That's it. This has been my experience. I ignored all six suggestions and have been needlessly miserable for over 6 years. This forum has given me what I needed, a kick in the pants!

Work safely, be happy.

Ginger

[sissystephanie]

Ginger, your number 6 should be number 1 by a large margin. You, like all of us are an individual! You may be part of a group, but you are still an individual in that group. ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE, and be that person!! You will be much happier!!

[Melinda Lou]

The best approach, assuming you like your job and want to keep it, is to do your work and be professional at all times, and let the "haters" make fools of themselves. If you're following policy, you should have little to fear. (Note that I said "should"; I'm not accounting for lunatics in the workplace who may try to harm you physically or professionally. Use common sense and do report issues to HR.)

[Melissa Jill]

Excellent guide Ginger, very well put and helpful. Its hard to believe that in this day and age there are still people who act like this though.

[dawnmarrie1961]

This forum has given me what I needed, a kick in the pants!

You should have said "kick in the panties" instead of "pants". On this forum we always go for the gusto!

[kimdl93]

Great advice all around. I was outed some years back. I expected my world to end - but it didn't. For the most part, friends, family and co-workers related as they always had - mostly positively. Maybe because of that outing and other things happening at the time, I had to finally accept myself (No 6 on your list). Once that happened, I found many of my old demons had gone away.

[GingerLeigh]

You should have said "kick in the panties" instead of "pants". On this forum we always go for the gusto!

OK, I concede. WITH GUSTO! KICK IN THE PANTIES it is.

[dawnmarrie1961]

OK, I concede. WITH GUSTO! KICK IN THE PANTIES it is.
Great!! Now you are indeed true to FORUM!

[t-girlxsophie]

My secret is well out at work by a mixture some by accident and some by design,through time I told a few Girl colleagues that I dressed up,because I felt comfortable with them which went great.for a long time I thought that was it but I discovered most of my shift knew,that took me back originally but I quickly realised they weren't bothered in the slightest,there have been no negative remarks or actions since and I haven't noticed any change in their view of me.I have shared many chats with my GG Friends and hope to get out with them soon as one of the girls

:hugs:Sophie

[Megan Thomas]

My boss is very intolerant of my dressing and I don't know what to do about it. I would complain but I'm self employed...

I'll get my coat now ;)

Well done on a great guide. Very true words! :)

[Sophie86]

That's a good list. Congrats on working through all that, and standing up for yourself. You should feel very proud. :)

As a housewife, aka stay-at-home dad, I had been going back and forth on how out I wanted to be at "work". The children have seen me dressed before, but always with the excuse of it being for some costume event. I had the talk with my daughter a few months ago. I still haven't really talked to my son, but he saw me go out the past two nights--and last night was in very normal looking female attire. His reaction was very blasé. I was wearing lipstick, so he blew me kisses. My daughter, on the other hand, giggled and refused to look at me. *sigh*

[Chickhe]

I'm happy to hear things are working out for you. I think the idea goes beyond work...if you accept yourself then comments from anyone should bounce off you... I mean, even if your wife says...eww gross when you tell her about something CDing related, you should be able to just scoff at her remark, laugh and say ...don't be silly its just clothing and its fun..so don't rain on my parade!

[Tanya C]

Ginger, your number 6 should be number 1 by a large margin. You, like all of us are an individual! You may be part of a group, but you are still an individual in that group. ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE, and be that person!! You will be much happier!!

I totally agree. Besides, accepting yourself is a necessary first step in order to enable others to accept you too.

[2SpeedTranny]

What is "HR"?

(This line added to make minimum 20 characters)

[GingerLeigh]

HR, Human Resources is the division that deals with harassment, discipline, etc... Note that it usually only exists in companies that have a reasonably large workforce.

[sherri]

I'm confused -- if you've been outed, you're not really in the closet, are you? You could crawl back in the closet and hope that in time people will forget, but if hasn't happened in six years, will it ever? Are you doing something to keep the issue simmering? Your other option is to go bold. If they see you holding your head up, being positive about the whole thing, they might not quit talking about you, but I bet the harassment will go away. Either that or they will force the issue, in which case you need to be sure HR will back you up, in which case you can go on the offensive and back the bullies down.

[Pythos]

Well, with that events concerning Ross, and the ACLU, perhaps this sort of worry will become a thing of the past.

[BillieJoEllen]

I was 'outed' to our church a few years back. No one has ever talked to me about because I believe they are very embarrassed by it. Works for me. It was an attempt by my SO to 'get me cured'. Of course it didn't work....

[Babeba]

Seriously? People did stuff to your car? SERIOUSLY? What are they, twelve? That's ridiculous. :-(

[Jennifer in CO]

Ginger, your post is very true and correct. I was "outted" in 1979 quite be accident - a chemical spill and a "forced" trip to the strip showers revealed a bra (with growing breasts) and panties under my t shirt and cover shirt. My workplace was very conservative but very open minded to the times so in a company wide meeting the next day the company owner, after he had spoken with me, my doctor, and HR, addressed the plant and told them point blank that ANY harrassment towards me would be immediate grounds for dismissal. Very long story short, a week later I was no longer hiding my bra under 2 or 3 shirts. Several months later I was no longer wearing mens clothes to work, several months after that I was wearing mostly skirts/dresses! Thats the VERY short story of my transition...

Jenn

[Jorja]

So Ginger, now that you are out, why not just stay out? Its a lot easier than trying to maintain two identities.

[dawnmarrie1961]

So Ginger, now that you are out, why not just stay out? Its a lot easier than trying to maintain two identities.
Unless of course you happen to be a super-heroine fighting the forces of evil!!!
Yes duality bites, but sometimes it is necessary. For protection. Some people have more to lose than then those that are already out.

[vikki2020]

Thanks, Ginger! Nice post!

[Josie M]

I'm part of the "Diversity Council" where I work and this, to me, looks like it could be the beginnings of a good forum.

[Torrey]

Ginger-

That is a great post with a lot of well thought out info. Thank you so much.

Hugs,
Torrey

[GingerLeigh]

Thanks Torrey,
It's not as eloquent as some of the other posts I found on this forum. There are so many brilliant minds here with so much to say. I recieved so much help from this place I thought I'd try to give something back. I'm really hoping it's helpful to someone!

Ginger