Getting your GF,Wife to participate

[gaylegirlify]

My SO accepts that i am a crossdresser but doesn't come forward with dressing help or participation she does buy me lingerie on occasion but that is all i wish she would say put that pretty such and such on, is there any suggestions on how to get her more involved without being pushy of course.:battingeyelashes:

[sissystephanie]

Gayle, I got married when I when was 23 years old and had been a CD since age 6! She knew that I crossdressed because I told her before we married and she accepted me "as is." I never really asked her to get involved, she did it on her own. She always did my wig and makeup if I was going out as Stephanie, which I did often. Lots of times with her!!

I don't know how long you two have been together or even if you are married, but I will say under no circumstances do you want to be pushy!! Married or not, you are very good friends because you are a man and she is a lady!! That must always come first!! My late wife always knew that I was her man, no matter what kind of clothing I was wearing. That is one of the main reasons why she accepted me as her husband. You might try asking about feminine things, like putting on makeup or how certain clothes might look on you and see how her responses are. If she still doesn't seem to want to participate, then back off! Otherwise you will probably lose her for good! Best of luck!

[Katesback]

I am TS for the sake of this discussion. I would be very cautious about dating a CD. Why? Because I know that many CDs are actually TS and hey I began dating a guy because I wanted a guy. Also I would be cautious because I dont want anything to do with the CD stuff. If I did date a CD I would be hands off. That means that he could dress in his time and go out with his cd friends but I would not be part of it.

Does that seem fair? I suppose thats up for debate but as I said I am dating a guy because I wanted a guy. NOT a girl!

Katie

[Lorileah]

:sb: n here is a major issue I have with many cross dressers, They want someone else to do the work to "make them" look like something. Help me dress, put on my make up. Have sex with me dressed. See the one two letter word that appears in each of those? Me me me. Then they wonder why their SO doesn't want to play. :brolleyes:

Maybe some would get farther when they want their SO to be a part of it if the are just happy when their SO buys them things, or agrees to let them be them at home, or even just go out as friends...instead of begging and pleading to be the doll in someone's play tea party.


Your SO seems very accommodating in the fact she buys things for you. So many here don't even get that. You want more? Flowers, a nice dinner prepared by you (and cleaned up afterward) a hot bath, candy, clothes (not lingerie or hootchie outfits) for her. You might be surprised when you make this less about your "needs" and more about your relationship.

[Roberta Marie]

I have to agree, to some extent, with Lorileah. Be happy that your SO accepts your crossdressing, and think about her feelings. And as Stephanie said, don't push.

I would also, listen to your SO. She may have reasons that she dows not want to participate. Or perhaps she thinks that occaisionally buying you something is participating. Talk to you SO, but more importantly, listen to her.

[Sandra]

Have you asked her why she doesn't make these suggestions? Sit down and talk to her about it and go from there.

[Jonianne]

I understand how you want your SO to be more active in your dressing, but it's probably just not her thing.

Learn to accept her level of acceptance, if you want to stay happily in the relationship.

Let her know that you are OK with her level of acceptance and never push her for more. You can and should talk to her about your needs and desires of what you would like, but let her know you are understanding of her feelings about it. You will always make more headway when she knows and feels secure that you will stay within the boundries and groundrules you have worked out together.

[brassieres]

I am TS for the sake of this discussion. I would be very cautious about dating a CD. Why? Because I know that many CDs are actually TS and hey I began dating a guy because I wanted a guy. Also I would be cautious because I dont want anything to do with the CD stuff. If I did date a CD I would be hands off. That means that he could dress in his time and go out with his cd friends but I would not be part of it.

Does that seem fair? I suppose thats up for debate but as I said I am dating a guy because I wanted a guy. NOT a girl!

Katie

Hmmmm, I am not so sure about that. I like to Crossdress, but I am still very much attracted to women.

[DebsUK]

To be honest, why should she? Would she help her friends get ready for a night out by doing their makeup? Have you asked her?

[Deanna B]

hi . the girls are right . just take it slow she will do as much as she wonts or as little as she wonts. it may take years or weeks only she knows. take your time to make her fill good about her self.then she may return the favour.love deanna:love:

[Ms Mira]

:sb: n here is a major issue I have with many cross dressers, They want someone else to do the work to "make them" look like something. Help me dress, put on my make up. Have sex with me dressed. See the one two letter word that appears in each of those? Me me me. Then they wonder why their SO doesn't want to play. :brolleyes:

Maybe some would get farther when they want their SO to be a part of it if the are just happy when their SO buys them things, or agrees to let them be them at home, or even just go out as friends...instead of begging and pleading to be the doll in someone's play tea party.

Your SO seems very accommodating in the fact she buys things for you. So many here don't even get that. You want more? Flowers, a nice dinner prepared by you (and cleaned up afterward) a hot bath, candy, clothes (not lingerie or hootchie outfits) for her. You might be surprised when you make this less about your "needs" and more about your relationship.

Totally agree.

You'd be surprised how much more accomodating people can be when you do something for them first.

Buy her some lingerie, to encourage her sexy female side! I think we as CDs are so focused on our own girl sides that we often forget about our partners. It's difficult to imagine, because to us it's like, well, if you're biologically female, you get to do all this stuff all the time. But, that's not true, especially as women get older: they become so (necessarily) entrenched in roles like businesswoman or mother that they forget about that sensual side of themselves and become unfulfilled. It might not just be you that has a feminine side to let out. Even if it's not true, I can't imagine that it wouldn't be a pleasant idea to think that your partner is replacing you with some clothes.

[cordgrass]

I think that's true--part of the allure of crossdressers, for me, is that it is a direct encouragement for me to focus on my appearance, to look as sexy and feminine as I can. Being with a crossdresser is a celebration of those things for me.

My point of view is that I'm happy to be with a crossdresser dressed--whether in the bedroom, the living room, or out and about. I think that's enough participation--if I were to buy lingerie as a gift that would be a definite bonus! I've given criticism of looks when directly asked, but part of being a woman is developing your own style. Especially in a relationship--it's a less loaded situation to get advice from friends rather than an SO.

[Kelly DeWinter]

My SO accepts that i am a crossdresser but doesn't come forward with dressing help or participation she does buy me lingerie on occasion but that is all i wish she would say put that pretty such and such on, is there any suggestions on how to get her more involved without being pushy of course.:battingeyelashes:

Gayle, Since when does a SO have to help or participate in what their SO does ? Not all couples Golf togeather, watch football togeather, knit,read,go to the ballet. How many husbands do their wives makeup ? or how many wives give their husbands a shave evry morning ? It sounds like she just thinks of it as YOUR hobby, not hers. If you want advice, ask her for it. What do you think of these shoes ? Does this color look good. Be NORMAL in you conversation, don't load every conversation clothing and makeup questions.

You need to pickup some books on makeup, watch videos and practice, it's your life not your SO's life.




:sb: n here is a major issue I have with many cross dressers, They want someone else to do the work to "make them" look like something. Help me dress, put on my make up. Have sex with me dressed. See the one two letter word that appears in each of those? Me me me. Then they wonder why their SO doesn't want to play. :brolleyes:

Maybe some would get farther when they want their SO to be a part of it if the are just happy when their SO buys them things, or agrees to let them be them at home, or even just go out as friends...instead of begging and pleading to be the doll in someone's play tea party.


Your SO seems very accommodating in the fact she buys things for you. So many here don't even get that. You want more? Flowers, a nice dinner prepared by you (and cleaned up afterward) a hot bath, candy, clothes (not lingerie or hootchie outfits) for her. You might be surprised when you make this less about your "needs" and more about your relationship.

I'm with you Lori.


Do things for you SO and keep the relationship going, thats more imortants that waht you wear.

[JohnH]

My wife tolerates my crossdressing. It would be difficult for her to participate with me since she does not wear dresses, skirts, hose, or heels. So even if she approved of it she would have to change her taste in clothes.

Johanna

[t-girlxsophie]

I have to agree gayle you are lucky that your wife goes as far as she does,to push it may be a step too far and would lead to issues between you both is it really worth it.You have it much better than many

One thing I know is I am so lucky my Wife is so supportive and I would never do anything to push her away,not every CDer is a control freak who pushes their SOs to the edge,I think theres a tendancy for ppl,whether they mean it or not to assume that we are all selfish Individuals only concerned with our next dress up also Crossdressing is a stepping stone to TS but only in a few incidences most of us are happy with our life as it is

[nuriko_2sama]

I dated a girl in high school who made me feel bad for the feelings i had of being bi and wanting to dress up. So after her I dated a friend and came out and told her that i was bi and like to dress up. So i was up front about it right off. But I know that if you bring it up with your gf/wife as a kinda joke or game some times they go for it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Gayle, You are alot better off than a lot of us on this forum.
Don't rock the boat or the captian may make you walk the plank.

Orchid

[Stephanie Anne]

Sometimes I wonder if people on tis forum ever talk with heir wives and not to them. I think far too much friction is started because of the secrecy of it all. If you can't trust your spouse, why are you there?

I also side with KAte about being leary about dating a crossdresser. I want a man all the time and if I wanted a crossdresser, I would date one.

[Jenniferathome]

Gayle, you are incredibly lucky. I do not think we cross dressers can ask for more than "understanding."

[Tanya C]

Of course you don't want to be pushy but maybe you could occasionally take the initiative to ask her if you could dress for her, and then evaluate her reactions. She may surprise you and be receptive to the idea of participating.
But you never know until you try.

[Stephanie47]

For most of us it is a life of don't ask/don't tell. Early on my wife went shopping with me for negligees. She bought me a garter belt and black seamed stockings. That was her comfort level. When I went further by myself, she probably realized there was more to cross-dressing that she was comfortable with. I realized there was more to cross-dressing for me than just negligees. So, now it's DADT. Wives and girlfriends do not need to be involved in every activity all the time. Maybe I can get my wife to dig half of the fence posts I need to put in, and, hang a hundred feet of rails and boards! Naw!

[GingerLeigh]

I'm really beginning to think my SO knows about my "other side" as seems to be fine with it. This is of course as long as I keep it quiet and out of the public eye. I'm pretty private about it so it is satisfying enough for me to simply know she knows about it and isn't angry disgusted.
I'm not sure I want to be her girlfriend, nor do I think she would want me to be. If she initiated it maybe I'll give it a go, but there would have to be serious rules in place. I will NEVER force it on her or ask her to participate. I don't want to change the dynamics of our marriage. I'm happy with who I am. She married a man. That's how I want it because I happy as a man and that's how it will stay!

Not all crossdressers want to transition. I see it as harmless fun I keep tucked away, not a lifestyle. I want to be able to switch back and forth at will and I don't need an audience or participant. To say I am in denial and really want to transition is total BS. If that is what people believe, then they don't know me at all.
I have so much to offer in a relationship. Won't date me because I sometimes like to dress as a woman? Too bad for you! Throw this big fish back. Your loss, not mine.

Ginger

[Joanne f]

Your SO might be assuming that you do not want any help with makeup and things so the easiest way to find out would be to ask for some help or advice then if it is given i am sure it will be appreciated by both of you but if she feels uncomfortable doing it then you will know to just leave it for now .

[sfwarbonnet]

My advice is go S-L-O-W. For me, her participation started when she got me women’s pull-on pants several years ago. Then, after initially saying “no”, she now buys me pantyhose and panties. The secret, when going out, is unisex or androgynous garments, or ones that are not obviously feminine if they are not “hidden”. I also wear short slips as undershirts, and wear slips and pantyhose uncovered at home. The farther I go, the farther I want to go. My goal is to appear in public en femme with her and both of us use the ladies restroom. My immediate challenge is that I want to wear a bra but I need a raison d’etre

[gaylegirlify]

Gayle, I got married when I when was 23 years old and had been a CD since age 6! She knew that I crossdressed because I told her before we married and she accepted me "as is." I never really asked her to get involved, she did it on her own. She always did my wig and makeup if I was going out as Stephanie, which I did often. Lots of times with her!!

I don't know how long you two have been together or even if you are married, but I will say under no circumstances do you want to be pushy!! Married or not, you are very good friends because you are a man and she is a lady!! That must always come first!! My late wife always knew that I was her man, no matter what kind of clothing I was wearing. That is one of the main reasons why she accepted me as her husband. You might try asking about feminine things, like putting on makeup or how certain clothes might look on you and see how her responses are. If she still doesn't seem to want to participate, then back off! Otherwise you will probably lose her for good! Best of luck!

Stephanie
We have been married 21 years she new i liked lingerie and was okay with that but it is only recently i told her about crossdressing so you are right i need to be patient.

[gaylegirlify]

Thank you ladies you have opened my eyes to a lot of things, i must say though i do worship my wife and am always buying her gifts and telling her how much i love her and making life easier for her by helping her around the house, ironing her work uniform before i go to work so she won't have to stress, you see i love her very much and do appreciate what she does for me. So thank you all i do realise how lucky i am and how hard it must be on her she didn't ask for this, i will let things take their course and see where they go.

[Chickhe]

I gotta object! Just ask her. What's all this crap about buying her off with gifts because she didn't ask for you to be how you are! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Gee wiz, she is accepting already, so you just casually ask her if she is in to what you want, if not no big deal.

[RachelPortugal]

:sb: n here is a major issue I have with many cross dressers, They want someone else to do the work to "make them" look like something. Help me dress, put on my make up. Have sex with me dressed. See the one two letter word that appears in each of those? Me me me. Then they wonder why their SO doesn't want to play. :brolleyes:

Maybe some would get farther when they want their SO to be a part of it if the are just happy when their SO buys them things, or agrees to let them be them at home, or even just go out as friends...instead of begging and pleading to be the doll in someone's play tea party.


Your SO seems very accommodating in the fact she buys things for you. So many here don't even get that. You want more? Flowers, a nice dinner prepared by you (and cleaned up afterward) a hot bath, candy, clothes (not lingerie or hootchie outfits) for her. You might be surprised when you make this less about your "needs" and more about your relationship.

I totally agree, if you are in a relationship then both parties needs and desires should be considered. It's all a matter of give and take and someday you will be surprised at how much your SO will participate in your CD'ing. Then again, she may not, how many wives go along with their husbands on angling trips and offer to bait their hooks?

[Melissa Rose]

Your wife has to be willing to participate and become involved. Only she can decide at what level and when. There is no "getting" her to do it without causing friction, resentment or other negative feelings. Respect her boundaries and comfort zones. It is human nature to push back when you are being pushed. All this does is create a shoving match and eventually someone gets hurt.

There is no rule that says a spouse or SO has to like and participate in everything their partner does. It can feel like rejection when they do not want to especially if you are passionate about it or it is a big part of you. Accepting/tolerating and participating are two different things. There is music my SO does not like and does not want to hear, but she does not stop me from listening to it. I don't play it out loud when she is around, and I would never dream of expecting her to go to a concert with me. If I somehow "got" her to go, I know she would be miserable and probably be hating me for it. Why would I want to do that to her?

Change goes both ways. There are plenty of girls here who started with an accepting and participating spouse or SO then they grew less so over time. Relationship are dynamic and change over time. So give it time, don't push too hard and most importantly communicate. Finally, realize that she may never want to participate. You will have to decide what that means to your relationship and how important that is to you.

[charlie]

Hello Gayle!
I would be thrilled if I were in your situation. My wife of 10 years hates crossdressing and hates to even hear about it. Women, like society for the most part hate this CD and think of it as "not normal". Be happy of the tokens, and lack of negative comments that could be coming your way.

[suchacutie]

This really isn't rocket science. You both need to communicate, sharing your thoughts with each other, even if it hurts a little! For a little perspective, can you imagine the roles reversed? Don't guess, don't make up ideas, and don't spend another day in the dark. Talk, talk, talk! Make it clear you are interested in everything she has to say without malice, and that you really want to hear it!

tina

[James Kaon]

Wow - congratulations on 21 years of marriage with someone who knew you were maybe a little different :P Thats great!

I dont think there is anything wrong with you wanting her to participate - its part of u and because u love her, u want to share that! I think some of the comments are pretty true tho - it has to be something she wants to do without pressure - would be no good if she did so just because of you! I guess there is no harm asking the question. Hard to say how you approach it but you know her more than we do! I guess the important thing is how you react to her reaction. If she says no and your eyes betray your disappointment it would make her feel bad? I am in no position to give advice, but I would make sure she knows it is coooooooooooollllll whether she wants to or not!

J

[tammy tee]

I came clean to my SO three years ago. We are married 6 years. She was very understanding and being the type of person who is very tolorant, she accepted Tammy. I was careful not to rush and quiet frankly, with her acceptance I found myself expanding my wants and needs as Tammy. Even I had to take it slow. In these three short years I have gone from the crossdresser who proclaimed I was never interested in men to having the greatest time with my SO exploring the full enjoyment of female sexuality. I have not yet been with a man but we role play several times a week and I am so comfortable in the total female mind. I think their is a connection to acceptance by your loved ones and being free to really develop your true emotional side. Until you are free to express yourself you have no idea how far you will go or what your true self is.

Hugs,
Tammy

[gaylegirlify]

I am very lucky, sometimes another point of view is whats needed to open your eyes, i guess sometimes without realising we are in our own little world expecting others to react how we want and not thinking about how they would feel. They have a relationship with a man and find out he wants to dress up as a girl, that would be hard to accept i would imagine, so thank you to my lovely wife for being so understanding. I will not and would not force any issues upon her but will just talk more openly with her and be greatfull for the moments i do share with her as Gayle.
Love to you all
Gayle

[Annaliese2010]

I think it would be cool to find a gf whose adventurous - it adds to the intensity of sx. But thats because I like sx so much I'd do anything with a kinky babe. In reality...my experience is that 99.9% of women just don't want their guy dressed as or being like a girl. Not hot chicks anyways - and my girlfriends GOT to be hot or what's the fcn point? Anyways...that's my opinion. I could be wrong. Whatever...