How not to come out

[Wendy_Marie]

Had an unexpeted day to myself today and after showering, shaving and dressing I decided to spend some time surfing the old World Wide Web. I ran across a site which I had visited a very long time ago which discussed ways to come out of the closet to a wife or girlfriend.

I had to laugh now thinking about the day I first discovered that site because I thought I had found the mother load. Now to begin with I actually came out to my wife n the first year we were married so that was twenty five years ago. She knew about my crossdressing and reluctently accepted it and even participated with me sexually on a limited basis.

What I hadn't told her about in those first ten years or so was about my desire to also live as a crossed dressed husband within a Female Led Marriage.
The site I found made a few recommendations the first of which was to come out to one of your wifes Girlfriends and ask her to help you tell her.
Big Mistake...Huge. A piece of advice if you decide to go this route. Don't dress in a mini skirt with a peasant blouse and 5" heels on the day your wifes friend tells her that you came out to her first. First of all, unless you are an extremely hard core cross dresser, your wife has more experience in heels and from what I learned..she could fight quite well in hers. No I don't mean fist fighting...but I did learn my place that evening...and broke a heel off my only pair of pumps. The girlfiend idea....Bad advice in my opinion....is bad becaue the wife was embarassed that her girlfriend now knew what had been her own secret shame up to that point.

Secondly, don't leave a pornographic website up depicting males in drag and Dominant Females with store bought weaponry either...Didn't get much sleep that night.
Lastly, no matter what the owner of the site sells you,be it a form letter addressed to your wife, or a CD which your wife can play on her way to work which details all the advantages of living in a wife led relationship....the wife/girfriendis just gonna view it as porn and throw it away anyway...and the resulting figt will include the phrase "You spent Moneyon that crap instead of just talking to me."
So what is the right way to come out...? That is indeed the Million dollar question...and if I could figure that out....I would have my own website and charge $50.00 plus shipping and handling for the advice.
For me it has been dogged determination and patience...and I am still not any closer to truly living the lifestyle to the degree I had always hoped to.
Hope does spring eternal though and as I have revealed here in some of my posts already...I have a therapist now and hope to be admitted ino a HRT program. I hope to finally be able to see the real me in the mirror soon and will not rest until I can do so.

[ReineD]

What I hadn't told her about in those first ten years or so was about my desire to also live as a crossed dressed husband within a Female Led Marriage.

So what is the right way to come out...? That is indeed the Million dollar question...and if I could figure that out....I would have my own website and charge $50.00 plus shipping and handling for the advice.

Wow, Wendy ... I'm surprised you haven't had any responses.

My :2c:: The right way to come out is to simply tell her the truth. Tell her what you want and need. The mistake I think is to try to find "the" optimal way to tell her that will guarantee a positive outcome, which is her agreement and cooperation with the altered gender roles. There are no such guarantees, no matter what method you choose to tell her. Anything other than plain, honest communication about your needs is, in my opinion, an attempt to manipulate the other person.

We all have our own driving forces, including your wife. Just as you have the right to determine what sources you and what is essential to your existence, only she can determine whether or not she can evolve along a parallel course. If up until now she hasn't played the dominant lead in your marriage, it may well be that she will be unable to change. Or she might be able to, but you won't know until you make it clear to her how you are prepared to live within your marriage, and let her decide if it will work for her as well. If not, then the two of you will need to make decisions about your future together, as harsh as this sounds.

[noeleena]

Hi..

Im glad im just who i am . & Just said to Jos Im a woman. allways was & have been. life style i think not this is my life . its real not even a act or just some thing to do. , no Wonder women dont trust some men who hide a part of thier lifes .

Women only , wont trust & to be up front . im on two women only sites & we discuss many details about men. AS we help others to understand men & to the ,.... WHYS......

& why they hide things from thier wifes & girl friends apart from any thing else , you mensioned about some sites that are dubious to say the least. & some of the guys think its okay yet are total hooked on them. yet thier S O s are not interested in them ,

Why because in most cases they are discusted by them & what it does to thier lifes , marrages , WHAT a put down for our women.

Thank you for being hoinist & up front here because many men are not.

Im a woman I never liked what was shown in the mags & will not go on any of those sites. to me thats an affront to me as a woman .

Iam 63 & still find it hard to understand why men are like this ,

You are right youv learnt & may be this is an eye opener .

Thanks again .

...noeleena...

[Wendy_Marie]

Maybe I didn't convey this is my ooriginal post but this has been an on going experience over the course of a 25 year marriage. My wife took to playing the Dominant role within our marriage fairly easily but has been very shaky about it all along.

[TGMarla]

Don't dress in a mini skirt with a peasant blouse and 5" heels on the day your wifes friend tells her that you came out to her first. .......don't leave a pornographic website up depicting males in drag and Dominant Females with store bought weaponry either...

Duh.

It's doubtful that any woman would agree to have her relationship steered in this direction (female-dominated crossdresser relationship) unless you both went into it with that in mind in the first place. I think many of us fool ourselves into thinking that our behavior is not in any way out of the mainstream or abnormal, and we fail to see it from the viewpoint of others in our lives.



And I actually did write my wife a letter. This way I could say everything I needed to without interruption or tripping over my tongue and saying things I didn't intent to say.

She shredded it, and we still do not discuss these things to this day.


I guess there is no one good way to tell her. I'd listen to Marla's advice in the sticky, if anything. She's got some good sense in her head.

[Chickhe]

I have to agree! My god...if you want to look like the stereotypical crossdressing porn addict and scare her away then do what you did. Otherwise, if you are like the majority of crossdressers who live an otherwise typical average existance then don't tell her you 'are' anything... throw out labels and you will be classified as the worst case. My advice, just do it (just be you) (maybe in small increments)...no words...just 'I like it, its fun'...assuming you are part time. Now, if you are doing a lifestyle change, then you have a problem because she may not want to be part of this other lifestyle...can't give advice on that. Really, the hardest part is getting to a point where you know what you need and you have accepted yourself enough to be comfortable talking about it.

[Wendy_Marie]

Yep, thats what I get for following the advice on this website.....http://www.femalesuperiority.com/

As it turns out though...my wife is more open to the idea of a female Led marriage than she is at having a Straight Crossdressing Husband.

[Stephenie S]

I visited that website.

This is a fairly common fantasy. But listen guys. It is just that, a FANTASY. This stuff doesn't really go on as it's portrayed on that website.

And, incidentally, that website is designed and run by a MAN. A man with the same fantasy as you. But he has figured out a way to make a few bucks by snaring gullible fools who don't know any better.

You can PAY someone to do what you are asking. But no one is going to go to all that work in a typical husband wife marriage. Try to think about this clearly. It's WORK to do all that stuff. That's why there are professional dominatrixes. They will do this for MONEY. But somehow finding out that your wife wants to do it for free? Get real, dear. It ain't gonna happen.

Tying someone else up is hard. It's work. Getting all that gear on is hard. It's work.

And then, contrary to the fantasy in your mind, you will find it hurts. It HURTS to be tied up for any length of time. It HURTS to be whipped. It's awkward and humiliating to be ordered about when SHE wants to do it rather than when YOU want to do it.

Leave this all where it belongs. In the realm of fantasy. It's a wonderful thing to fantasize about, but it's a dangerous thing to try and introduce into a marriage. You are courting disaster. It just won't work.

[ReineD]

Yep, thats what I get for following the advice on this website.....http://www.femalesuperiority.com/

To echo Stephenie & TGMarla ... this woman (or man) is pandering to CD fantasies .... for profit! She or he sells erotica stories at $20 per download and is a pimp for other dommes (or doms). :rolleyes:

[Wendy_Marie]

Thats what i discovered the hard way.....I am not nearly so gullible these days.......Did I mention that this was close to 10 years ago when I did this?

[ReineD]

Yes, you did. And you did say to NOT follow that site's advice.

I wish you well with your SO though. I hope the two of you can talk soon and just get down to basics. :hugs:

[Shari]

Sounds like a classic case of temporary insanity caused by the pink fog and let's face it, selfishness. You decided you wanted it all so badly and all of it at once, that you pulled out all the stops and allowed the situation to gush forth. Sort of like, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.
Pretty overwhelming for anybody, let alone your life partner.

Crawl before you walk, walk before you run.

[Wendy_Marie]

Shari,
I have to disagree with your damn the torpedos enalogy simply because at the point in time when I attempted this strategy my wife had already known about my dressing for nearly 15 years. Maybe I had reached a point to where all I wanted is what I thought was best for me...but my motives weren't entirely selfish as i had her interests at heart as well....after all the site in question is dedicated towards female Superiority.