Anyone Upfront with their SO and they are still not Accepting?

[DeSkirt]

I'm just curious. How many of us out there have been up front about their cross dressing with their SO/Wife and after the initial acceptance and/or involvement they they changed their mind and want nothing to do with it?

I am in a marriage where my wife was totally accepting and actively involved in my cross dressing and then changed her mind on the subject. I am not interested in talking about why or what I can do to change her back right now, I am just curious to see If I am the only one?

I have read some SO"s make comments like "If I knew about his CDing before we were married I don't think I would have married him".

I feel the same way, but with a little more contempt because ,at least in my case, it is not enough of an issue to divorce over but it is annoying. Even if I did decide that it was enough to divorce over, (being 100% closeted) I would be made out to be a sick pervert who wants to leave his wife because of his cross dressing desires. The fact that I was honest and up front about it would be minimized within the discussion about the cross dressing.

When an SO leaves a cross dresser because of the "cross dressing" the SO is often justified in the eyes of their family and friends because of it!

Sorry I guess I went on a little too much, I don't mean this in any way to offend anyone and if that happened I am sorry.


I am curious to hear your comments.

thank you

[gwenbeth]

I have read some SO"s make comments like "If I knew about his CDing before we were married I don't think I would have married him".


You must have been talking to my wife. She is completely unaccepting.

[RebeccaLynne]

I'm just curious. How many of us out there have been up front about their cross dressing with their SO/Wife and after the initial acceptance and/or involvement they they changed their mind and want nothing to do with it?

De, I disclosed my CD'ing six months into the relationship when she asked if there was something bothering me, and if I'd like to talk about it. So I tentatively told her I liked dressing up, and she was surprised at the revelation. Not outright rejection, but since I'd mentioned earlier that I wasn't "kinky", she felt lied to. Bear in mind we were already sexually active.

So anyway, I suggested we spend some time together with me dressed in order to determine her comfort level. We did, and she was kinda put off by it. She wasn't really into her male companion presenting as a female.

Since then, she and I have discussed her concerns. She's amenable to my CD'ing occasionally while spending time together, yet has stated she's not attracted to me sexually when I'm dressed en femme.

Ya know what? I'm OK with that. We can play cards, chess, board games, watch TV, or just hang out together.

Then I'll just take off the clothes and makeup before we adjourn to the boudoir.. I'm satisfied with that compromise! :)


I have read some SO"s make comments like "If I knew about his CDing before we were married I don't think I would have married him".

Don't they have a right to full disclosure before making that commitment? Were I in their position, I'd certainly want to know what I was getting into.


Sorry I guess I went on a little too much, I don't mean this in any way to offend anyone and if that happened I am sorry.

Pour your heart out here. It's our refuge. You're entitled to speak your mind, and if you've offended anyone, they need to get over it.

[DonnaT]

I wasn't upfront with my wife, because in the short 6 months of dating, it was never on my mind. Shortly after marrying, she started to shave my legs one evening, and encouraged me to finish.

In days/weeks that followed, this led to my donning pantyhose, then skirts, dresses and eventually full makeup/wig (her wig she gave me).

So she was into it, for a short while, until she asked why I liked it. At the time (1975) the word crossdresser wasn't in use, so I told her I was a transvestite. She eventually looked up the definition in a dictionary, and the definition included reference to homosexuality. That upset her, and she became unaccepting.

She's flip-flopped over the 35 years, and now is back to accepting, and we've even been out together.

So, keep talking. There's always hope she'll be accepting again.

[Haley Heather]

I am so glad i came out to my SO because she has been more than excepting, she has actually encouraged me and is still helping me, its made our relationship so much stronger, i'd be lost in all this with out her. Even my desire to go further than just 'dressing'

and I suprised her by wearing pantyhose and a dress one night when she showed up lol , talk about being scarred lol

[AlanaBCD]

Yes I am there too. I came out to my wife about 3 months ago. She is not accepting at all.

She started going to a therapist about a month ago, and next week I am supposed to go with her. I am a little scared, as I hope I am not made to be the bad guy (or gal). My wife promised we would talk before we went, but I am still a little apprehensive. On the other hand, I love my wife dearly, and if she wants me to sit down with the therapist, I will.

I don't ever hope for acceptance, per se. I guess I just want her to tell me to deal with it.

[Jenna J]

It would be hard to offer any advice without knowing why she changed. I think that is an important first step. Marriage is hard enough WITH good communication... don't make it harder without.

[DonnaT]

It would be hard to offer any advice without knowing why she changed. I think that is an important first step. Marriage is hard enough WITH good communication... don't make it harder without.
DeSkirt didn't ask for advice, she just wants to know who else has experienced what she has.

[katesometimes]

My wife isn't really accepting, tolerant is a better word. And lately I can tell that she is tired of my frequent references to dressing. She does role play with me dressed a couple times a year, but recently told me that she only does it because she loves me and wants me to be happy. That really upset me. When I'm dressed, it makes me feel so sexy, and I think of being with her lots. I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this at this time. All I know is that I lover her and want to be with her for the rest of my life.

[Julogden]

I was upfront before marriage, told her several months before the wedding. My wife-to-be was totally unaccepting, told me I had to stop. I suggested calling the wedding off, but she was against that, and insisted that it would happen and that I couldn't dress anymore. Feeling guilty, and not wanting to lose her, I agreed to stop dressing. I was 20 at the time, and didn't know any better.

As time went by, it became apparent to me that my dressing went deeper than I thought at first, but my wife wouldn't consider any kind of compromise, wouldn't let me do anything even remotely associated with dressing, couldn't contact a support group or anything, and the marriage ended as a result. I tried everything that I could think of. We went to marriage counseling, tried a few counselors, and the counselors basically told her that she either had to come to some sort of acceptance and compromise if she wanted the relationship to last, and she totally rejected that advice. She wouldn't even consider any sort of compromise. And she was cheating on me, started fairly early in the marriage. It was doomed from the start, but we were both too young and stupid to realize it.

Now I urge everyone with gender issues to work them out as soon as they are cognizant of them, and before getting serious with anyone, and be upfront when starting a relationship, it's better that way and more fair to all involved parties.

Carol

[Stephanie47]

I did not tell my wife-to-be that I was a cross-dresser because I did not know it at the time. I thought I had a childish interest in wearing my mother's clothing once in a while. I had not even remotely dressed for over two years, and, had absolutely zero interest in cross-dressing during that time. I married a really sexy young woman with a petite body. We loved shopping for lingerie together, and, using it quite frequently. I had no desire initially to try any of her garments on. When I first did, it was because I liked the feel of the fabrics. She went shopping with me to buy an occasional nightie to wear, which was at the time for the feel of the fabric. She bought me a garter belt and stockings. She was as ignorant as I about cross-dressing. Only when our son was born did she ask that I not sleep in the nightgown. No big deal. When the cross-dressing developed into more than it started, it started to turn her off. There was no desire for me to have her participate. It just plain turned her off. Once her father was made up as a woman on Halloween to go to a party at his social club (Eagles). She doesn't even remember running into him, but, my desire- well just shocking. Now, this is a woman who had serious issues with her own sexuality before meeting me. She told me about them. I didn't ask. I wish I told her about mine- "Hey, honey, I just remembered I wore my mother's dresses once in awhile. Maybe in the future I may become, well, I don't know- a pervert!" She wishes she did not tell me of her sexual escapades and issues, so she could walk away from the marriage with me as the only 'dysfunctional' partner in the marriage. Now we live as brother and sister, if you know what I mean- a sexless marriage. She has always had expressive eyes, which does nothing to hide her pain while looking into my eyes. I see that and I just do not feel like being humiliated. So, it's DADT.

Even if the S/O is accepting in the beginning, the cross-dressing will always be the fall back position when a marriage does not work out for other reasons. Just my opinion.

[Fran Moore]

But since this is such an important issue to so many of us, and our SO's, I'll throw in my 2 cents worth.

If CDing acceptance (or lack of it) were to define every relationship's success, many of us would be living completely different lives than we are today. Personally, I was on the brink of divorce at one point in my life, but I decided to take a step back and look at the BIG picture. For those of us who didn't divulge our "little secret" until after the wedding and well into married life, it's only fair to ask the question: Why were we drawn to this person initially? Was she attractive, honest, compassionate, loyal, a good cook, a good mom, etc.? Would you sacrifice some or all of the things that you found appealing, just to have her accept your crossdressing? For me, the answer was ........no. Do I hope that one day she might become more accepting?..........sure, but relationships are all about compromise unless you married that "perfect person" where the water is always flat calm and everything you do or say is a-okay, and vice versa. Can you fit your crossdressing need into the mix without confrontation? Many of us have figured out a way to do just that, whether it is a "don't ask, don't tell" approach, or some other way that accomodates this important aspect of our lives. In my case, she knows, we don't discuss it, and life goes on.......for over 30 years now. So, before you throw the baby out with the bath water, please take the time to ask the question, "how can I make this work perhaps not to the point of complete satisfaction, but at a level that is acceptable to you to move forward.

Suzanne

[JenniferR771]

Me, too, Alena. My wife is not accepting at all--after finding out 25 years into our marriage.
HOWEVER, do not go to your wife's therapist. She will likely take sides against you--expect it--that is what happened to me. Wanted to cure me of my sexual addiction. Get your own--or a neutral 3rd party therapist. Find someone with gender or cd experience or training.

[dawnmarrie1961]

You are absolutely right about being “honest”. But you must also be aware that “She” needs to be honest with you as well. And you must listen to her concerns and be just as willing to accept them as she is towards yours. Nobody ever gets everything they want. We all get only what we need.
Don’t make the same mistakes I made. I was so self-centered that I never bothered to see how my behavior was affecting those around me. I couldn’t listen to anyone but myself. When I finally did see the truth it was too late to do anything but push away from those I loved because I couldn’t bear to cause them anymore pain.
There is no getting around “The law of extremes”: Too much of anything is not good for you.

[sarac]

To answer your question yes, my wife did the same thing. We had even gone out togther and then totally stoped.

[BRANDYJ]

If we said nothing here but to simply answer the question the OP asked, this thread would be of no practical use to anyone. But first I'll answer the question: NO, I have never experienced acceptance and then have her do a turn around. But I would bet the turn around had little to do with that initial acceptance and even her participation.
I think we have to look at other issues surrounding each couple. Perhaps it's partly due to the general state of the economy, money worries, job and income problems, other family issues, intimacy issues or perhaps the selfishness some if us might demonstrate.
Maybe when the SO first finds out, it's just his wearing panties in the bedroom for a little kink. Then slowly he pushes and starts progressing to where he gets his ears pierced, wears his nails longer, shaves his body etc. So to whatever level of coming out to her and what you told her is no longer the more simplistic things you told her you liked. ReineD wrote an excellent post in response to Deskirt's question of what do you mean about her raising the bar: "She needs to continually raise the bar as well in order to keep up with her husband". This was in the thread "my dating experiences" To each GG there is a place she may jump off the acceptance mode when her limits of acceptance have been pushed like the example ReineD gave in her response.
so perhaps those GG's had reached the limit of their tolerance, understanding and acceptance when what she initially was told was progressively expanded (like the progression ReineD used in her post) to the point that she has seen and put up with enough. I can see how that progression can cause her enough alarm to simply do an about face and want nothing to do with it any longer.
Kind of like he asked for an inch and took a mile. That limit can be reached at different stages by our loved GG's, and I can't blame them if it is pushed with very little communication about boundaries and her level of acceptance. I've seen to many get so deep into the pink fog that they forget what makes their SO happy and they even stop meeting her needs. Back to selfishness not to mention forgetting what and who is important in your life.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi De, Been there and done that!!
My Wife of 47 years she didn't then she did then she didn't Now
she tolerates it but it's a don't ask / don't tell kinda thinggie.

Orchid

[Sandra]

From a GGs position

I was fine about my SO's cding when she told me 6 months after we got married, everything was fine but being in the Army she had to be careful so didn't get to dress very often..Then she left the Army and that is when things changed, and she went a bit mad I guess you could say it was a pink mist not quite the fog lol. For me she was going to quick and I couldn't handle it and exploded one night. We sat and talked and set one rule her idea, and that was that I said when and how often she dressed, I wasn't to keen on this as I thought she should control it herself but she said no we'll do it the that way. For us it worked. It can be anything that causes an SO to change her mind and the only way to find out why is to ask her, hopefully it can be something that can be worked out.

By the way we will have been married 24 years this August and Nigella finally accepted that she is TS....and yes I am still here with her.

[NicoleScott]

Others have said that their wives changed from accepting to unaccepting. But there are many wives who did not at first accept but later did. From the crossdressing husbands perspective, one flip-flop is bad, the other flip-flop is good.
DeSkirt, maybe you should ASK your wife why she changed. Maybe she understands your need to crossdress, but doesn't want to be "actively involved". Would Don't Ask Don't Tell work for you both?
Stephanie said (in post #11) "Even if the S/O is accepting in the beginning, the cross-dressing will always be the fall back position when a marriage does not work out for other reasons. Just my opinion." Could there be other marriage issues, and this is her exit strategy?

[Cindi Johnson]

I told my wife a few months after our wedding. It led to a couple of very tough weeks. She never accepted that part of me, and eventually we too reached a DADT sort of compromise. Other things binding us (e.g., neither of us wanted to be alone, each of us wanted a family, and we each wanted to be loved) were strong enough to overcome the TG cloud we lived under. She died fairly young from breast cancer; to this day I believe she truly loved me even though she disliked that part of me.

I think that's where most of us end up: in a tenuous "don't ask don't tell" situation. I know, you were upfront with her, so you expect more acceptance from her. But maybe DADT is the best mutually acceptable solution available to you.

Had I told my wife before our wedding she wouldn't have married me, I'm sure. Yet our marriage worked; I believe both of our lives were better due to it. So maybe, just maybe, it's not always best for couples to fully disclose all before saying "I do", and perhaps it's OK to keep some things private and separate after saying those two words.

But for me now it's different; in some ways I've crossed that bright gender line, and I refuse to go back. I enjoy being transgendered; I enjoy being out daily as a female. I know that very few GG's would accept me as I now am, so I don't even try to win them over anymore.

[t-girlxsophie]

No is short answer.I am in a different position in that my wife knew from the beginning so she was aware that she was going to be with a man who liked to dress up-but the same rule applies in our marriage,and that is communication,always talk things over and remember that she still needs to be comfortable with any further changes you may pursue.Have I done everything right in that respect of course not,I have made a cpl of errors of judgement but we discussed what the issue was and resolved it.I think that is and always will be the key to any relationship whether it involves crossdressing or not.

[DeSkirt]

Thanks to everyone who replied.

I have read every post and I really appreciate all of your honest responses.

This post was really about me wondering if what happened to me has happened to some of you, and I have read answers from both sides of the fence. As crazy as this may sound, I feel a lot better after reading your comments, so again thanks!

[Wendy_Marie]

I am kind of in the same boat as you are DeSkirt....My wife had been supportive and even particpated for many years...then back a couple of weeks ago she has a total change of heart and now I am not sure where we are at.
I am seeing a therpaist to deal with this issue and am wanting to take my dressing on to a higher level and begin living dressed a lot, lot more. I guess the future wouldn't be so mysterious if we already knew the outcome. Good Luck to you and have a great day,

[Carole]

I told mine before we got married, altho' she didn't participate as such she accepted it; then not long after the wedding she turned against it, I never dressed in the house but she is vehemently anti now, after 23 yrs of marriage.

[cordgrass]

My wife isn't really accepting, tolerant is a better word. And lately I can tell that she is tired of my frequent references to dressing. She does role play with me dressed a couple times a year, but recently told me that she only does it because she loves me and wants me to be happy. That really upset me. When I'm dressed, it makes me feel so sexy, and I think of being with her lots. I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this at this time. All I know is that I lover her and want to be with her for the rest of my life.

You shouldn't be upset with that. She's being GGG with you--you be GGG with her too. You are getting a lot more than many married crossdressers.

Female sexuality is a lot more fluid than male sexuality. If when you are dressed and together intimately, you make it very very good for her, she might warm up to the whole thing more than you would expect.

[BRANDYJ]

This could be kind of like the guy that sees a very hot looking chick at tew beach in a very skimpy bikini. Boy, he's all over it! He gets up the nerve to introduce himself and they hit it off and start dating. They go to the same beach every chance they get. He is still in lust with her in thise sexy bikini. The next thing ya know, he is in love with her as she is with him. Boom! They get married and the next thing the wife hears is, " You're not going to wear that skimpy bikini to the beach ever again"! Yep, he sure changed.

[BRANDYJ]

This struck a cord with me....If I ever felt my SO was ding anything "just" because she loved me and wants me to be happy, it would turn me off. I never want anyone to p[anticipate in something I do be it in the bedroom or out doing some sport like golf or fishing IF the only reason was to make me happy. My SO does not like golf or fishing, so she simply does not go and I never even asked her to go. What fun is it for her? What fun would it be for me knowing she would rather be doing something else.
Funny, in the past I always knew or thought there were unspoken limits in any thing I did, especially concerning my crossdressing. I never pushed, never whined or pressured my past accepting wives or my present SO. I was once told by another CD that happened to be a psychologist that I was afraid to let my wife at the time see more of my feminine side and that I should expand it, dress more, get her to go out with me etc. Frankly, I know where he was coming from, but that simply was not my style. I cared about her image of me as her man and did not want to change that, so I set my own boundaries and was happy with them... Still am. If she wanted me to take it further and I knew she enjoyed it, I would not have hesitated. but my crossdressing has always taken a back seat to keeping my SO happy, as it should be.
I do believe most turn rounds from acceptance and participation is from the husband's constant pushing, always talking about his fem side and where he wants it to go. I can see where a GG would get burned out and begin to think his crossdressing is more important to him then she is. I saw this with a CD friend of mine years ago. I was there when he asked me to help tell his then fiancee that he was a CD. She was not only accepting, but was very turned on and happy about it. But over the next few years, he changed and pushed the envelope to where it got old to her. He never knew how good he had it. No, she did not do a 180, but confided in me about how it took over most all of his spare time and his lack of showing her how much he appreciated him. Hell, she could not even get him to take out the trash! She was not a happy participant. He was a dear friend, but I witnessed how very selfish he was in more ways then just his growing interest in being TG.

[Gocaps14]

My wife told me recently that had she known she wouldn't have married me, we have been married for 20 years. I came out to her before we were married, and again about 10 years ago. I think she thought I would change, but as we all know, it doesn't work like that. The fact is that I married her because she was accepting and actually participated, somewhat. I think she tried her best to be accepting for awhile, and the we adopted a don't ask, don't tell policy. Not sure what the consequences would be should I "tell".

[Valerie1973]

Although my wife has seen me dressed, and has told me she didn't freak out. She also always makes jokes about me getting into her stuff and has stated several times that if we, meaning us crossdressers, should do it right if we are going to do it, has also said it's gross, why, it's inappropriate. So I wont dress in front of her because if someone is going to make you feel bad for doing something then the fear and hiding plays out. I to live with the don't ask don't tell policy. When ever I shave, my chest anything shaved, she'll tell me, "Oh. you're at it again?" Or if I'm stuck answering phones at work, she'll call me and I'll tell what I'm doing, she'll ask me if I'm wearing something cute. Of course not! Not at work. I need a shrink but not because of crossdressing, but because of her.

[GeorgieMacD]

I was upfront and honest from the beginning. My SO and I shopped together for makeup and clothes, helped each other dress, and generally shared the girly experience. As time passed things changed. She began to comment that she wanted to be the feminine one. I never thought I was trying to be feminine -- just a guy in a dress -- but she must have seen something. Then my makeup and a few other things started to disappear.

These days she's accepting but not participating as much. She'll occasionally borrow something from me but is less comfortable passing her things on to me. We still do shop together for her and she occasionally helps me pick out something nice. She's not un-accepting but she's less accepting.

I know where my dressing came from and she understands that it's part of what makes me who I am. We've both changed during our many happy years together. It's just what happens.