Could any of you recommend some websites about why we (CDers) are the way we are?

[Melissa Jill]

Long story short, my parents found out about my dressing before I could tell them.
My mum has lots of questions and I couldn't really answer them well enough, so I said I would find some reading material for her.
But Id rather not link her to this site because Im on here. And Im rather embarrassed by my crossdressing at the moment.

My mum seemed a bit freaked out, but said she loved me and always would.
But shes told my dad and I have no idea how he will react...

[janec]

I have heard of the book "my husband bety" is good for couples but not sure about your situation

[LilSissyStevie]

Thats a very difficult question for most of us to answer individually let alone trying to find an general "cause" for all of us. The answer is probably a complex interaction of biology, environment and choice. The mix is different for each one of us and changes over time. IOW, the question cannot be answered with any degree of satisfaction. Just learn to enjoy it.

[Loni]

there are a number of books that try to explane what cross dressing is, but as to the who what when were and why.
that my dear is the 64 billion dollar question.

each of us if different and our own person, best to spend some time with your mom, say a lunch, coffee (O wait you are in England so it would be tea..right) and a day just being with her. take her shopping. go to a park. sit at home just the two of you.
answer her questions and i bet ten more will come of it.
both of you need to learn what is up, it is a learning curve, work to enjoy it.

.

[Andria]

That's a difficult situation you're in, and I hope the best for you.

I've been dressing since I was 11 and I'm still not 100% why I still do it. :(

[Kelly DeWinter]

My Husband Betty is 'the' book in my humble opinion.

[DonnaT]

No one really knows why we are trans and like to CD.

However, there have been studies on the brain and on genetics. Nothing truly conclusive, but enough to satisfy my wife ;)

http://www.carolinianonline.com/2.7346/a-look-at-transgendered-people-with-celia-hooper-1.1027406

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?sec=health&res=9900E6D61F39F933A0575BC0A962958260

http://web.archive.org/web/20041217040720/http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg06.html

http://web.archive.org/web/20041217041046/http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg01.html

http://web.archive.org/web/20050119194727/http://content.gay.com/people/trans_gazebo/tg_research_000814.html

http://lds-mormon.com/gender1.shtml

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gene-duplicate-causes-sex

http://jcem.endojournals.org/cgi/content/full/90/1/106

http://www.the-scientist.com/news/display/25087/

[sissystephanie]

Since we don't know your age, it would be very hard to give any definite answers. As you have already been told, the answer to "all about crossdressing" is very difficult! I think Loni gave you the best answer by telling you to have some sitdown conversations with your Mum regarding your crossdressing desires. I say with your Mum because you have already talked to her about it. You will, of course, also have to talk with your Dad, which may be harder! As Loni said, more questions will come, so be prepared! You know you can always ask questions on this Forum!!

[Melissa Jill]

Im 22.

Thanks for your help, Ill check those links out Donna. And Ill have a proper talk with my mum tomorrow.
She has no idea about my makeup lessons though, or that I was originally going to be meeting up with another CDer tomorrow (in drab). I didn't want to unload everything at once and freak her out.
I mean really, how am I supposed to say "oh yea, by the way, in addition to dressing up, Im also using makeup"

This is just...awkward.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I was in this same situation when I was in my late teens, so I can relate to how you feel. She is probably worried and cinfused by it all, so start off by giving her accurate, factual information about what transvestism is and isn't.

Tri-Ess's site would be a great place to start (www.tri-ess.org)

Although it is your mother and not a wife we are dealing with, I think "My Husband Wears My Clothes" might be helpful, as it is one of the few accurate books out there on heterosexual transvestism. It is also written from a GG's perspective so she might be able to relate to it better.

"My Husband Betty" is more likely to upset her than ally her fears, which is why I don't recommend it as an introduction to wives or others. If you are trying to convince her you are heterosexual and/or not a TS, it is not the best choice.

[sterling12]

You can try a number of The Sites that try to deal with The Problems and Questions of People who love and are related in some way to Crossdressers. Take a look at The Tri-Ess Site and several others. I imagine you will find some cogent answers for your Mom's Questions.

To get you started. There are two major questions that they all think about, so try to be prepared to answer them. One will be immediately asked, the other often remains unsaid. They are: 1.) "Are you Gay? 2.) Is your Father or Myself responsible for this? "I like Girls" is The Standard Answer for Number One. Your going to have to think of a way to answer The Unsaid Question, Number Two. And no matter how you answer, they may carry a burden of guilt. For a Parent...if they care, guilt just seems to be part of The Programming. Kind of expect that to happen.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Melissa Jill]

You can try a number of The Sites that try to deal with The Problems and Questions of People who love and are related in some way to Crossdressers. Take a look at The Tri-Ess Site and several others. I imagine you will find some cogent answers for your Mom's Questions.

To get you started. There are two major questions that they all think about, so try to be prepared to answer them. One will be immediately asked, the other often remains unsaid. They are: 1.) "Are you Gay? 2.) Is your Father or Myself responsible for this? "I like Girls" is The Standard Answer for Number One. Your going to have to think of a way to answer The Unsaid Question, Number Two. And no matter how you answer, they may carry a burden of guilt. For a Parent...if they care, guilt just seems to be part of The Programming. Kind of expect that to happen.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Yea, I sort of had both of those questions asked. Except the second one was in the form of "where did I go wrong in raising you?"

[Prissy Linda]

Why don't you just sit down with your mother and talk to her, there are not books or internet links that can explain your situation and feelings but you. Everyone of us is different, a book about someone else is their story, their situation but not yours. Be honest with your mother and be honest with yourself. JMO

Linda

[Kate Simmons]

The foremost experts in the world on the subject are on this Forum Hon.:)

[eluuzion]

hiya M,

I sent you a PM with a bunch of links...

If your parents/Dad goes ballistic, just remind them some day they will get old and you will be in charge of selecting their geriatric care center...so they better be nice to you...:D

:love:

[Stephanie47]

Your lucky you only have to deal with a parent. Just assure your mum that it has nothing to do with her upbringing. At least she told you she will always love you. Wait to you get serious about a girl! My wife thinks my mother had something to do with me becoming a cross-dresser. As the second born child after my brother, I was suppose to be a girl to round out the perfect family (although we did not have a dog)!

I'd recommend your mum read this site. It is great to show the angst cross-dressers go through, even though we are normal in every other facet of life. I haven't seen any one on this site fessing up to robbing people, breaking into houses, fraud, check kiting, etc to feed their interest in feminine clothing.

[Melissa Rose]

Nothing beats open and honest communication. Books have their place, but they don't answer some or many of the question that specifically apply to you. Sometimes they make things worse. Before recommending a book or web site, make sure to carefully and thoroughly read it. It may not apply to you or sends a message you are not intending. One size does not fit all.

Things would be so much easier if "it" could be attributed to some chromosomal aberration or incident in our childhood. Life rarely has nice and clean answers. Human are way too complex for that. I stopped worrying and wondering about a reason a while ago and I'm much happier because of it. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[DeeInGeorgia]

I would also suggest the book "Brain Sex" to explain that it is more than just nurture. As a father of 2 boys, one of them adopted, I see that a lot has to do with nature over nurture, ie you were born this way.

Deanna

[Polly R]

Hi Melissa

Sorry to hear of your plight. Here in the UK, there's the Beaumont Society - they have some useful reading matter and support groups for family members. Might be worth having a look around on their website or giving them a call to find out what they can suggest.

I'm afraid, like most of us on here, we don't really have the full answer to why we HAVE to do it. There's something hard wired into our brains that just drives us on in this crazy thing we do. Once you have it, there's no getting away from it so just come to terms with it and try and enjoy your alta ego... For the record, I'm still trying to come to terms with IT after 40+ years and am slowly resigned to the fact that I can't get away from Polly so I'd better start liking her..!

Good luck, my prayers are with you.

xx Polly

[ninapuella]

I would not talk with my parents in a situation like that. Its private and should remain private until you decide to share it.

[Tricia Lee]

You could try the Light in the Closet web site. Here is a good place to start:

http://www.lightinthecloset.org/WhyDoICrossdress.html

[Dahlia007]

Perhaps you can sit down and write a letter to her saying why YOU think you do it. Write different feelings you've had towards cding over the years etc. I'm no expert I just know when I found out about my SOs cding I jumped to many conclusions as I'm sure anyone who dosnt know much on the subject would.

[NikiMichelle]

Keep talking to her as well. Tell her you are the same person now than before she knew about your CD'ing. There really isn't an answer for "why" we do it. There are theories out there about it being bilogical and started in the womb but at the end of the day it doesn't matter why you "do it". The thing is you are the person she knows and you are a CD and that won't change. You have to be honest with yourself and accepting of yourself before you can expect someone as significant as a parent to understand what you have to deal with every day!

Good luck on your journey!

It took me a long time to realize myself what I just said to you above!

[dawnmarrie1961]

Melissa,
When my wife and I separated I hopped a bus and headed for Virginia to stay with my parents. I called them on the phone to let them know I was coming but I forgot to tell them about a few minor things. This turned out to be a major mistake! I hadn’t seen or talked to them in quite a few years. When my mother arrived at the station to pick me up she walked right by me and up to the counter to ask when my bus would arrive. “Mother” I said. She recognized my voice and turned around. The look of shock on her face reminded me of what I should have told them earlier. I spent the car drive home crying and apologizing. My mother was worried about what my father was going to say when he saw me.
She asked me why I had done this to myself. I explained to her about the severe depression that I had suffered from years ago as a result of losing my computer business, my daughter and having my wife try to commit suicide. I told her about my secretly cross dressing when I was a child. Of course, being my mother”, she didn’t believe me. She said she would have known. I told her that being this way made me able to function and overcome the depression. It made me feel “normal” again.
“You want to be a woman?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” I answered honestly. “I’m just trying to be me.”
My mother got on the cell phone and called my big sister to give her the heads up and make sure she was at the house when we got there. My sister did a bit of quick Googling online to educate herself. I warned her not to believe everything she reads about the subject. A lot of the information out there is wrong.
My father actually hugged me when I walked in the door. He was a little taken back by my appearance which I could understand.
“Are you Gay?” he asked me. I was expecting him to say that. “No, Dad.” I said.
What I didn’t know and later found out was that my parents had some experience dealing with mental illness. My older brother had suffered from some kind of episode.
I stayed with my parents for a few months before getting an apartment nearby.

[Olivia2]

This psychologist/gender counselor has some interesting thoughts and opinions about being TG/CD.

http://www.docbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp

[BETH H]

Tricia Lee great link You could try the Light in the Closet web site. Here is a good place to start:

http://www.lightinthecloset.org/WhyDoICrossdress.html

beth

[Melissa Jill]

Thanks for your help everyone!


ARG, my mum seems convinced that if I had a girlfriend or less free time I wouldn't want to crossdress.
My self-esteem hasn't been this low in a long time, and I feel a bit ashamed.

The talk with my dad went better. Hes not an emotional person, though he was crying a bit at the beginning...
But just some general questions which I answered as best as I could.

Though when I said dresing helped me to feel more emotions he asked me "why do you want to be more emotional?" which knocked me sideways a bit

[Sarasometimes]

Good Luck, Melissa. We can't fully understand your challenges so use your intuition as to how to procede. I have checked some of the links and there is some good info to clarify the background about how you are acting and what you like to do. The more you can do to understand these concepts the better you will be able to explian it to your mum.
I know that I'm still learning what makes me tick so i can at some time explain it to others.

[Melissa Jill]

Thanks.
Somehow it was easier talking to my dad. Probably because he was more frank with his questions. My mum I could tell she was quite distressed by the revelation, but my dad is a rather calm emotionless guy, so he had an easier time saying what he wanted to say.
He accepts me, but he is wondering if its something that they did wrong in raising me. I expained it wasn't and that not only is it nothing to do with them, Im happy as I am. But he still feels it, which is understandable I guess. Itll take some time for it to sink in.

He said he doesn't want to see me dressed like that, which is perfectly fine by me. It makes him feel uncomfortable. I said I can stop whilst Im at home if he would prefer. As I plan to move out in a few months anyway. But he mistook what I meant, and thought I was going to move out solely because of this, so I clarified what I meant. He will always love me and Ill always be his son. Which is nice.
I said they can come and ask me any questions they might have.

But man, I wish my dad didn't cry at the beginning, Ive never seen him cry before. I tend to use humour to make situations less awkward, I had to hold back from saying "gaaay" when he was crying >_>

[Christy_M]

Every day gets better so while you may be feeling low right now, know that you can get through this and I really do believe that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. There are a lot of great links in this thread so if they are interested in learning about you, they should read up on this stuff.

[Loni]

both of your parents will think it is something they did wrong, you can say they did nothing wrong, not there fault. but it will be hard for them to believe this. it took time for my mom to understand this.
it will be a hard time for the three of you, but keep a good look as the sun will always come up in the east.
good you are talking to them, keep a open dialog and things will go a bit smother.
some here have given you things to read, places to look at, and we here will help as much as we can.
even after years of just being us we sometimes still have questions about our selves, it is a learning curve.

you could lay out all the facts and story's about cross dressing to them. till they are ready and able it will be tough times. just be your self and a good son to them will help out a lot.

good luck, and ask away from us here.

Loni

.

[NicoleScott]

I read Dr. Bushong's article (linked in post #25 above) entirely and think it would be a good recommendation. If you don't want to read all of it, here (to me) is the important point: there are 5 attributes of sexual/identity behavior. Society wants all 5 of those to match in order to be considered a "normal" individual, and generally has a problem understanding/tolerating/accepting people whose attributes don't all match.
Loni's post (#4) is great advice. You probably won't be able to figure out from your research why these attribute mismatches happen. What you can do is have an open dialog with your mom. Not about what makes crossdressers crossdress (because we're all different), but about what makes you you. I'm sure that's all she really cares about anyway.

[Melissa Jill]

=) thanks, Ill have a look through all the stuff mentioned then pass on the most appropriate to my parents.

Also, Ive recently found a TG group very close by. Theres a meet at the end of the month which is "ideal for first timers & shy girls" as they said. And families/partners are welcomed to go.
Reckon I should see if my parents want to go to this or not?

[GingerLeigh]

Thanks.
Somehow it was easier talking to my dad. Probably because he was more frank with his questions. My mum I could tell she was quite distressed by the revelation, but my dad is a rather calm emotionless guy, so he had an easier time saying what he wanted to say.
He accepts me, but he is wondering if its something that they did wrong in raising me. I expained it wasn't and that not only is it nothing to do with them, Im happy as I am. But he still feels it, which is understandable I guess. Itll take some time for it to sink in.

He said he doesn't want to see me dressed like that, which is perfectly fine by me. It makes him feel uncomfortable. I said I can stop whilst Im at home if he would prefer. As I plan to move out in a few months anyway. But he mistook what I meant, and thought I was going to move out solely because of this, so I clarified what I meant. He will always love me and Ill always be his son. Which is nice.
I said they can come and ask me any questions they might have.

But man, I wish my dad didn't cry at the beginning, Ive never seen him cry before. I tend to use humour to make situations less awkward, I had to hold back from saying "gaaay" when he was crying >_>

I told my father, but I haven't told my mother yet. They're divorced. My father got a little teary at first...but he's always been a real sensitive man so it's not the first time I've made him cry. He never asked if he did anything wrong, I simply told him I've been wrestling with this since I was 4 or 5 and that I was born this way. He knew of some of the initial issues like the leg rubbing and nylon stealing and simply thought "it was just a phase". He also knows my son does the same thing. He told me...

"You're still the same man I knew before I knew of it" and "So? I like stockings too! Just on a woman's legs, not mine." and finally "I don't care if you're gay or not, you are my son and I love you!"

He told me he needed to think about it for a little bit, soak it in and then come up with questions. Later his questions were...
1) Do you have a stash of feminine things, and if so how likely is it your kids or wife will find it?
2) Do you want to be a woman full time?
3) Do you plan to tell your wife or mother?

He suggested to keep it quiet, make sure nobody can get to my stash, and that he will not talk of it unless I bring it up. Not in a shameful way, just that he considered it to be a very private matter and didn't want to embarrass me.

There are many really good links here to help you figure out why you dress. Really though it's a personal issue. You are the only one that can discover your reasons. Read the "My Husband Betty" I never have but I hear it's the best way to give someone a peek into what we're about.

I found this site to be the most helpful for me, but I don't think I would bring my wife here. I say things here that I never would publicly say or admit.

Ginger

[Chickhe]

Hey... my take on all this Cding stuff... Don't ever tell anyone you are a 'crossdresser' or other label. The reason is because they read too much in to it and think the worst based on stereotypical media etc. Just tell them you enjoy dressing up because you find it facinating and for some reason you need to explore it...to experiment to figure out what it means to you. You want to let them know that it is just an activity you enjoy and you are not going to change who you are. Also, don't let it stop you from finding a girlfriend...maybe she can even help you.

[Allsteamedup]

Dear Melissa, Sorry to get to this so late.
Your situation is different from a spouse finding out. There, the deception creates a lack of trust. Here, your parents will always love you as their son but they do not have to be accepting of all your behaviours or your friends. That doesn't mean to say that they don't care.
You young folks have it made compared to the lives the older cders have lead. As a generation you are far more accepting of each other and have far more social outlets. It is that aspect of your dressing which may cause your parents anxious moments.
Your Mum will be very welcome on the WOBS site (Yahoo! group) the family section of the Beaumont Society. That gets her a telephone contact as well. Half an hour of Di's time and most of her questions should be answered.
That doesn't get you off the hook. You have a responsibility here and if you didn't know the answers to her questions then you should find out, too.
Your nearest group is probably Mayflower in Southampton. Another very helpful lady there, Anne King.
Feel free to PM me.
I am a Mum, too!

[Wendy_Marie]

Melissa,
Sounds like you are in a tought situation and we can hear the frustration in your post's...the one thing I take away from your responses is that while you are being bombarded with questions and such from your Mother....you aren't maing apologies for your dressing nor has there been any mention of compromising on your part. I say good for you....it is difficult to come out to th family....I know because I am growing very near to a planned self outing myself. If you like who you are, andare comfortable enough with yourself to stand your round with your parents...then you have the rest of world whipped. Go forth and be wonderful....Good Luck.

[Roberta Marie]

Most of the support sites out there are either for crossdressers or their wives/girlfriends. But, I might suggest, the PFLAG site, as well as Light in the Closet, mentioned earlier. While PFLAG is aimed at parents of gays and lesbians, I believe there is some material there about trans issues. Also, look at Sandra Stewart's site, The Gender Tree. One of my favorite support sites is A Crossdresser's Secret Garden. Their web site also has a link to a YaHoo group. It was started by the wife of a crossdresser, and again, while aimed primarily at wives and girlfriends, I think they may be able to help your parents. Google can get you to any of these sites.

As far as books, "My Husband Betty" is a great book, but, the author herself has said that it would not be her first choice of book to read for someone who is just finding out about a loved one's crossdressing. I would suggest any of the books written by Dr. Peggy Rudd, also the wife of a crossdresser.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Mellisa, what you have gone through is one thing I'll never have to face, my parents have both been gone a while now. I think my siblings know, or suspect, at least one sister has seen some of my more,.. interesting, male underwear. ( silk ) They have asked me if I'm gay, and I truthfully answered, "No, if I was I wouldn't hide it" Sounds like that from the reraction of your Father that it has gone fairly well so far.
He knew of some of the initial issues like the leg rubbing and nylon stealing and simply thought "it was just a phase". He also knows my son does the same thing. He told me...

Ginger Ginger, sorry to divert the thread, but can you say more on the "leg rubbing"? This is something that I think I may have gone through.