EmilyLaFond
09-21-2005, 05:52 AM
Hi ive been dressing for the past 6 years and im into it more then ever and deciding to come out. But first thiers a weird history to me, i started to dress when i was 12 but before then i always thought of being a girl. well ive prolly been cought around 15-20 tims by my parents you would think that say something, well i was around 13 when they first cought me and yeah they were shocked to see me dressed the way i was, they sent me to a shrink which concluded after 1 year that i must have been dressing for attention since mom was pregnant at time, well i was seeing the shrink and still dressing and parents keep finding out and giving me more attention and less time to dress. well i move from were i started to dress on cause step dad got new job. So today ive been here 5 years and i was cought a few more times, dressed and having girl clothes in bedroom and reading up transgender information on the internet, so they thru me back in with a shrink, well that went for 2 years, he was a little more understanding and wasnt as dumb or pushy as the first shrink, ask me why and talked about past experiiences thinking that it might be that. Well after 2 years one night i was waiting to go to the shrink and then we never left i sat in my room waiting to go and never went, so for some odd reason i stopped going, should have mention that during seeing this shrink the last year i wasnt cought. Well it must be that my parents think i stopped 100% but my mom also cought me with her heels in my room like 1 year ago and said nothing about that, so im thinking that they do no about me still, or they no and dont give 2 *****. Their fine parents help me finiacial aid for college, giving me the ability to do what i want, and give me the attention i need, but now i'm wanting to take hormones, but yeah i no id have to wait see and shrink get a doctor pay a higher cost then if i got some on internet. But all i want to do is try the hormones out not wait, ive sat up thinking many many nights about all of this and finally put it all down for reference later. But im still thinking of the day when my parents come vist me at my appartment and im sitting thier as Emily with my boyfriend in hand, getting ready to tell my parents which that might be the wrong time buy may be the exact time, but right now thier is to much in my parents life, raising 4 kids including me i have two sisters 10,7 and a brother 6, and their all half's but mom doesnt consider them that to me nether do i but thats what they are 100%, i never knew my dad all i no is some usless facts about him, but apparently he robbed a bank, but how long are u in prison for that its been long time, mom doesnt bring anything up about him, except that she is scared of him, so i thought maybe he rapped her but why would she take me to see him in prison, but maybe that was a dream i had. Anyways, right now im 75% sure i want to be a women but the other 25% says wait what about ur friends family what will they think and say, but am i up to that ill never no till i do i guess. This is just me i guess its really hard to tell about everything and right it down so many things come to head, but contining so yeah the night i stopped was like wow, so now its been 3 years without getting cought im more into dressing then ever, im having sex with guys and really enjoying it, and ive gone out as emily a few times. my real plans would be this in may im done with first year in college and was thinking that i would try going full time at least when it came to wear id meet or be with people that new me as my male self stephen. Maybe im this way cause i really dont no who i am and this is a easy way out but is it, id think the easy way would be staying a male and living along and serving and being depressed all the time, but when im emily im happy friendly, when it comes to when im in public i tend to talk more, im also in a field that is perfect for me "networking, which is hooking computers up in a small or large business to get access to the outside world or to files"my def". so realy i can go have my transition be emily and get a job as emily. But truly in the end what should i do really but o who noes, ill prolly end up dressing every night like i do now and live full as stephen and be depressed and live alone cause i dont have the guts or words to say to anyone about anything, how come i cant communicate, is it casue i dont watch enough tv, is that im such a computer and tech geek that i shelterd myself from society were it came to a mental block were i cant think of anything to say or put words to together and carry a conversation...........i kinda guess what i want hear is just a opioion, a direction to go into, a answer to something i said, i no it was alot but i just kept typing and thinking and wow now im feeling depressed that i wrote this and told it to the public which ive never have, do i want something i can never have, do i want someone to figure me out, am i so screwed up that im ****** up for life, am i screwed up am i a normal person people say, i no im different but am i that different were i feel wrong and dont belong, im not suicidle i cant even spell it i wouldnt do that to my self, destory my live in front of me to gain maybe what would be the easy way out for some, but why would i want that it maybe easy for me but what about family, friends man i cried when my friend left to go away for 1 hole year, and iv had a grandpa and a great grandma die in the same year weeks apart i wasnt sad then. do i have things about me that i should have am i suppose to spread and open peoples eyes about transgender people, is it that people shut their eyes on us cause were correct, and they no it, but are we obying god's or someone else's law if u believe in religion, which with religion and science u really cant believe much, is it that i cant believe my own wants and needs were its a a lye and i no it but i turn it into the truth were it has ****** my life up to the point i am now..........well i have so much to write but i dont think words could say what m saying so thanks for many of you talking to me even thou many i kinda answered and blew everything off, and to the people that im not liking are to people who dress for sexual pleasure and try to talk me into getting them off, now im having my opionions out and i no that i shouldnt off said that stuff cause im not a 100% about my opions even with society how men treat women , and how government is run by whoever, why gays/lesbians are worn along with tg people, i guess