What should we tell our SOs before marriage?

[Sometimes Steffi]

I know that many people on this board advocate telling a potential spouse about our crossdressing.

That led me to wonder what else we should tell our potential spouse. This applies to both men and women

Should we tell them we had a homosexual relationship "in college"?

Should we tell them that we were sexually, physically or verbally abused as a child?

Should we tell them that breast cancer, Alzheimer's, Hodgkin's, mental disease, heart disease or [insert your favorite disease here] runs in our family?

Should we tell them that we are a shopaholic, (cured) alcoholic, (cured) drug abuser?

Should we tell them that we really don't enjoy making love?

These are all conditions or circumstances that could significantly impact a marriage.

For example, abusers tend to have been abused themselves as children (at least according to some sources). You may think that you have it controlled, but it may surface or re-surface when you are facing stresses in life or marriage.

You may have been cured of your alcoholism, but some say an alcoholic is never cured, but is always in "remission".

The reason that I bring this up is that it may be hard to distinguish latent tendencies with the final result.

For example, the last "excuse" I had for not popping the question was whether or not anyone would want to marry a crossdresser. This was way before the Internet when I didn't even know that there was a name for what I did, and I thought I was the only one in the world like this. I determined that I wasn't gay (still true) and convinced myself that crossdressing was a phase I was going through and not a "chronic condition". Like a homosexual relationship in college might be so some. BTW, I didn't tell her.

I think it's easy as confirmed crossdressers to say we always knew and that we should have told our wives earlier. But how many men are there who crossdressed to some degree as children who no longer crossdress for some reason? Those men (if there are any) are not represented on this board.

I think we may be too hard on ourselves on our lack of disclosure.

What do you think?

[Kate Lynn]

I told mine the truth,we've been married for 9 years,and she never complains,in fact she believes there are worse things a person can do.

[GingerLeigh]

Oh boy. She should know things that will (with a degree of certainty) change the dynamics of the relationship or cause serious harm to her well being and the well being of the future family. Here is a list of no-brainers not in any particular order.

If you are terminally ill or communicable in any way, she should know.
If you have a felony criminal conviction or are some kind of gangster, she should know.
If you reeeeealy dig children, animals, or dead things, she should know.
If you are an alcoholic or drug abuser, she should know.
If you are a compulsive gambler she should know.
If you think you may want to change your sex, she should know.
If you are or think you are homosexual, she should know.

If you are a crossdresser, well I never told. Looking at the list above it seems so minor an issue. Crossdressing will not make her physically ill, broke, abused or unloved. There are of course emotional issues that may arise, and that's not really good. Thinking back I wish I did tell, because I hate keeping things from her.

Ginger

[Kelly DeWinter]

As many posts testify, being honest from the start is allways best for both parties involved.

That being said, dating and courting for a long term relationship is like drinking a fine wine. One does NOT chug the whole bottle at one time. It ruins the experience and leaves a very bad taste. One sips a small portion at first, and if it agrees with your taste, then you have another glass until you have had your limit for the evening. Then if the experience was enjoyable, you will order another bottle the next time you go out.

Reveal personal infornmation in degrees, as YOU feel comfortable. What determines a good relationship, is not the past, but who you are NOW in the present, background information is to show how you became who you are today as a person. Too much information too soon WILL leave a bad taste.

Kelly

[GG Kathy]

I would have to say that I agree with Kelly. My SO was not dressing when we got together it was something she did when she was younger then stopped. She recently started dressing again. After 17 years you think she would if told me but I found out on my own. The thing that hurt was she felt she could not tell me, not that she was dressing. The funny thing is I found a pair of heels before Christmas and thought they were for me, when I didn't get them I wanted to know who the other "woman" was. I was soooo happy to find out it was her and not someone else. Go slow but be honest.

[Roberta Marie]

I think that if you know something about yourself and understand that it will have an impact on you wife to be or your relationship with her, you owe it to her to be honest with her and tell her about your concerns for her before the vows are made.

I think that if someone is a member of this forum or a similar forum they are at least starting to come to understand their gender identity and the impact that it might have on a relationship. There is little or no excuse, other than their own fear, for them to withhold such information from someone that they love and with whom they are about to enter an intimate relationship. I think that much of your argument for not disclosing this part of you is rationalization.

I did not tell my wife before we got married. We got married 33 years ago, long before the internet and groups like this. I had no understanding of my gender identity, and no understanding of the impact that it would have on my relationship with my wife and family. Now that I have that understanding of myself and the grief that it has caused my wife and family, I regret every day that I did not tell them.

My wife understands my motives for not telling her, and in her grace, she has forgiven me. My children still have issues with it. While I no longer have any guilt about being transgendered or crossdressing, and I am proud of who I am, I do still carry some shame and guilt for not being able to be honest with my family. I regret not allowing them to know their father as he truly is, and the pain that this has caused them.

Throgh out our lives, we all make mistakes, we all make decisions that we later regret. That is part of being human. But, as humans, we also have the abillity to learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. I cannot tell you absolutely that the best thing is to disclose before you get married that your gender identity may not be typical. But, I can tell you of my regrets, of the mistakes that I have made, so that you will be better equipped to make those decisions for yourself.

[Gillian Gigs]

I think that honesty is always the best way to go. They usually find out and it is best to to it on your terms. I was abused as a child and I was not an abuser, so much for the (at least according to some sources). In a relationship sex plays a big part, so CDing has a sexual side to it and she needs to know. If you deal with all of her issues, she will be more accepting. Some compromise may happen, but that is what a relationship is all about. My SO is very accepting except in 2 areas. 1 she doesn't want to see me in a bra, what I wear under a skirt she can not see. 2 get your own clothes, don't wear my lingerie. These are not tough compromises for me as we both worked out her issues.

[Sarah Doepner]

Hindsight is always 20-20. I can give my younger self great advice that would have made my life a bed of roses. I'd pretty much stopped crossdressing during the period in my life when I courted my future wife. She knew my lack of religion, strange politics, appreciation of music she hated, knew my friends and I thought she knew me, my strengths and weaknesses, good and bad habits nearly as well as I did. Why bring up the crossdressing when it was in my past and I had no evidence that it was something that would ever return? We had plans to make for the future and when we married, I'm pretty sure that I didn't think me being a crossdresser was going to be part of it.

[BillieJoEllen]

I don't know how I was going to do it but I had every intention of not telling my future wife about 'Billie'. I don't know how I was ever going to cover everything up or what I was going to do with all the clothes and makeup. Then it happened. I was living in a different city at the time and we rented the apartment that we were going to live in. While at work one night she decided to come over and show the apartment to her sister and sister-in-law. I didn't expect her to do this. Of course all of my girly stuff was out and 'on display'.
Phone call at work. Confrontation. Hard two weeks to follow. She forgave me and said she accepted me the way I was. We were married six weeks later. I was happy. She only saw me once as 'Billie'.
Fast forward a few years. Go to find out that she really wanted me 'cured'. She abhorred my CDing and thought it was sick and perverted. Forced me into counselling. She went also. Her counselor convinced her that CDing was bad, sickening and perverted. He likened it to child molestation and various other lifestyles society find as offensive.
Thinking back I wish I would've told her about 'Billie' before we got married. i don't believe we'd be married today.
We both tolerate each other. Thats it.

[Pythos]

Pure and simple. You tell them everything. That is what marriage is all about. But this needs to be a two way street. One side can not hold back anything.

Perhaps if people did this, there would not be all these divorces.

[GingerLeigh]

Hindsight is always 20-20. I can give my younger self great advice that would have made my life a bed of roses. I'd pretty much stopped crossdressing during the period in my life when I courted my future wife. She knew my lack of religion, strange politics, appreciation of music she hated, knew my friends and I thought she knew me, my strengths and weaknesses, good and bad habits nearly as well as I did. Why bring up the crossdressing when it was in my past and I had no evidence that it was something that would ever return? We had plans to make for the future and when we married, I'm pretty sure that I didn't think me being a crossdresser was going to be part of it.

*DING* I could have easily wrote the same thing.......... Are you my secret clone???

[Xenia]

Should we tell them we had a homosexual relationship "in college"?

Should we tell them that we were sexually, physically or verbally abused as a child?

Should we tell them that breast cancer, Alzheimer's, Hodgkin's, mental disease, heart disease or [insert your favorite disease here] runs in our family?

Should we tell them that we are a shopaholic, (cured) alcoholic, (cured) drug abuser?

Should we tell them that we really don't enjoy making love?


Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

Because, as you say yourself,



These are all conditions or circumstances that could significantly impact a marriage.

Really, what's the point of marrying someone whom you don't trust enough to share the intimate details of your life with?

[AnnaCalliope]

I've told every single girl and guy I dated with the exception of the first three, and two of those found out later anyway. Out of the twenty or so possible SOs I came out to, four of them initially rejected me, but we later came to terms and remained friends. Only one was a complete close-minded bitch and refused to have anything to do with me until I saw a priest and was properly "cleansed" of my deviancy. Nowadays, I've been in an open relationship with the same partner for almost 4 years. She accepts me as both Chris and Anna, and is totally supportive of me eventually becoming Anna full-time.

[Gillian Gigs]

Two interesting comments.
Pure and simple. You tell them everything. That is what marriage is all about. But this needs to be a two way street. One side can not hold back anything.

Perhaps if people did this, there would not be all these divorces.

Really, what's the point of marrying someone whom you don't trust enough to share the intimate details of your life with?

I say amen to that sisters.

[Lorileah]

I think we may be too hard on ourselves on our lack of disclosure.

What do you think?


I don't think we are too hard on ourselves. Everything but the shopoholic (I am so over adding "oholic" to things when it isn't shopohol) are things that are pertenant to a relationship in some manner. The "genetic" or hereditary illness will factor into having children. And lack of sex drive may be a problem (as we see here everyday) if the other person is sexually active. You should disclose sexual lifestyles and if you are tested. And abuses no matter what will be important in a relationship.

You don't enter partnerships without disclosure. You don't enter a long term relationship without disclosure. My wife never disclosed that she was sexually (incestually) abused while she was alive and there were times I was sure she was distant because of me. Her cancer was not hereditary as only one aunt had breast cancer prior to her getting it but her neice died of breast cancer less than a year after my wife. If we had had daughters, this would now be pertinent to the issue when THEY married.

Look, you all want the whole enchilada. You want to keep your secrets and you expect that your spouse has none they are keeping from you. Let's put the shoe on the other foot and use an example you chose. Drug abuse. Now your new spouse keeps her drug use a secret from you. Let's assume that by some stroke of luck she didn't contract any disease (either from the drug or lack of judgement in using it). Now you have a nice home, good car, everything is going well but one day she slips off the wagon, spends your money on drugs, stays out at night, sneaks around, gets fired, and catches a disease which, because you don't know about, you now get. IF she had been forward prior to teh marriage and you had a chance to get out, you might have, but if you marry, you now know that she is at risk and you can help keep her safer. We all know that crossdressing isn't a health risk in and of itself so there is some nebulous association with the above example, but sneaking around and spending money without spousal knowledge fits.

I am one who says tell. There are several reasons but I think you owe it to your future spouse to know anything that they may have questions about PRIOR to signing the contract and putting a lot of equity in a relationship.

Almost all the above examples you stated are really not an issue in my relationships. I can adjust to a recovering alcoholic and drug user. I can be compassionate and caring and try to help if possible an abuse victim. Knowing my spouse was abused, I can change my "requests" so that she doesn't have to relive that era. Short of someone being a terrorist or murderer, I would accept almost anything they had in their past. I may not have known everything but what information they gave me made a difference, especially in my way of understanding "why".

[ReineD]

:yt: What everyone above me said.

Why would you NOT tell a potential spouse about having had a homosexual encounter, having been abused as a child, any current or potential diseases, compulsions, and addictions even if they are in remission, and especially if you don't enjoy making love.

In addition, you should discuss your political views, religious beliefs, child-rearing views, financial status, spending habits, past issues with emotional & physical intimacy, hopes, dreams, aspirations, anything about yourself that you love, hate, would like to change or improve upon.

The list is endless.

There are far too many unhappy marriages and divorces already, without sorting through as many potential issues from the start, IMO.

[Kate Simmons]

I guess in a perfect world one would share every little detail with a potential mate. This world and the people in it are far from perfect though. Being totally honest would probably threaten mankind by making it extinct eventually.:)

[JulieC]

I know that many people on this board advocate telling a potential spouse about our crossdressing.

That led me to wonder what else we should tell our potential spouse. This applies to both men and women

Should we tell them ....(lots of things)....

I answered yes to all of them. Flip it around; would you want a potential spouse to inform you of these things? To some people, some of these things would be minor (like, a same sex fling in college). To some, it would be major. How would you know? If you DIDN'T tell her about, say, being a drug abuser in the past and it turns out that some of her family members did and she has a harsh knee jerk reaction to it, would you want her to find out after you've had kids with her already?

A spouse deserves to know...in advance...to make informed choices.




I think it's easy as confirmed crossdressers to say we always knew and that we should have told our wives earlier. But how many men are there who crossdressed to some degree as children who no longer crossdress for some reason? Those men (if there are any) are not represented on this board.

I think we may be too hard on ourselves on our lack of disclosure.

I think there's a larger issue of self acceptance, self assurance.

There was a woman with whom I was madly in love when I was 19/20. I would have done anything for her. I'd be in love before, so it wasn't like first timer's over the heels sort of stuff. I'd been with her for quite a while, and I knew to great depth how much I loved her. I wanted to marry her, but I never told her about crossdressing. Circumstances (she went into the Army) played out that we didn't get married. But, I would have married her and never told her. With or without the Internet, I think I would have made the same choice as I'd made back then (this was before the net).

The underlying issue was self acceptance.

Years later, I was again madly in love. This girl of my dreams (even better than the other woman above) even saw me in pantyhose once (at her request). She never knew, and I wasn't ever going to tell her. We got engaged, and I still didn't tell her. We broke up before we got married, but we remain friends to this day. She still doesn't know. Though, she did recently make a mildly insulting remark (she didn't know it was insulting) regarding that time she saw me in pantyhose.

It wasn't until a few years before I met my now wife that I finally got to a point of self acceptance that I would insist on telling. I'd finally arrived to the point where I understood it wasn't going away, that it wasn't something I could permanently repress, that it wasn't something I could stand to keep secret, and that it wasn't something I wanted to be hated for by a wife.

My wife knew a few months into our relationship, long before we got engaged. A few days later, without my prompting, she bought me pantyhose. The rest is history.

I am an open book to my wife, and she to me. We have no secrets. If there's something that I even remotely think she would find to be important, I make sure she knows about it. We have a central foundation of trust that is like the rock of Gibraltar for us. If I kept anything from her, I would erode that trust. I simply won't do it. She knew all about my past well before we got engaged, and knew all about my crossdressing too.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's too easy to make excuses not to tell, especially the younger we are when avoiding the telling.

[suchacutie]

Wow...why is this a question? You want to spend a lifetime with a person but you don't want them to know who you are and have been? And you don't want to know everything about them? If the two of you can't share your most intimate details, maybe you should rethink the "we".

tina

[TxKimberly]

My opinion - I tend to think that that your SO or wife doesn't necessarily have a right to know everything that has happened in your past. I think it would be odd for you to marry someone that you didn't feel comfortable sharing that with, but I don't think that it is a moral requirement to share that.
What I DO think is a requirement, is that you share your current life and issues with her. If you are a cross dresser, you will always be a cross dresser, and your potential wife has the right to know what she is getting in to. If you love her, you should show her the respect of trusting her and sharing that with her. If it turns out badly then you AND she will be greatful that you didn't complicate things with a marriage.
There is no way around it - in almost all cases, wisdom is something that you learn as you get older. I have of course made serious mistakes in my life, including waiting to tell my wife of 23 years now a week into our marriage.
Today, I would't even briefly consider proposing to a woman without telling her about this up front.
She deserves to know.
I deserve to know how she thinks about it.
It's a love and respect thing . . .

[Dahlia007]

I think it's one thing to take your time telling if youre dating (but should still tell eventually if it progresses into something more serious); as far as marriage I think the SO definitely needs to know such things so she knows what she's getting herself into and she can't hold anything over you later.

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her, She accepted me "as is," and we had almost 50 happy years together!!!

Now for my real answer! The ONLY thing to tell your SO before asking her to marry you is the complete honest truth!!! Anything else means a marriage built on falsehoods, which is a very bad idea!! That is why I told my dear late wife, and it certainly worked out for me. If she does not accept you because you are a CD, then you two were not meant for each other. Yes, I am making a judgement but it is based on long experience! There are woman who will marry a CD, you just have to find one. One thing I should mention, my wife always knew that I was her Man, no matter what clothing I had on. I have never had any desire to be a woman, just a desire to dress like one!! That may be a problem in some relationships!!

[ronny0]

EVERYTHING!
If you can't be honest now, when will you!

[Sometimes Steffi]

It wasn't until a few years before I met my now wife that I finally got to a point of self acceptance that I would insist on telling. I'd finally arrived to the point where I understood it wasn't going away, that it wasn't something I could permanently repress, that it wasn't something I could stand to keep secret, and that it wasn't something I wanted to be hated for by a wife.


So, I think this is one big point. "I'd finally arrived to the point where I understood it wasn't going away." Prior to that, it's just a possibility. If I was in the "knew it wasn't going away category" I'd definitely tell. If I thought I could cure it or contain it, I might not tell.


Pure and simple. You tell them everything. That is what marriage is all about. But this needs to be a two way street.


In theory, I agree tell them everything. In practice, I think it may be more hurtful. Would you provide your "black book" with the names and addresses of all your prior girlfriends/boyfriends along with their "hotness" rating and a sexual performance score? Maybe it's me, but I wouldn't. Past is past.



One side can not hold back anything.


While it's not much of an excuse, even though I held back on some revelations, my spouse did also. And some of those maybe fall into the category of, "If I only knew, I might not have married her."

[amielts]

I think honesty is always the best policy when it comes to marriage.

[ReineD]

She deserves to know.
I deserve to know how she thinks about it.
It's a love and respect thing . . .

Beautifully said, Kim. I wonder if the OP realizes that she is mostly not honoring herself by not telling. :hugs:



In theory, I agree tell them everything. In practice, I think it may be more hurtful. Would you provide your "black book" with the names and addresses of all your prior girlfriends/boyfriends along with their "hotness" rating and a sexual performance score? Maybe it's me, but I wouldn't. Past is past.

I don't think giving those kinds of details is what we're talking about. But, a potential spouses should have a ballpark idea of how many sexual partners the other has had ... there's a big difference between a few per year, and one or two per week. lol. And it's natural to want to know how serious their partner's past relationships have been, and why they broke up.